Regular readers know that this bitch usually tries to provide a recap of Scooter’s addresses to the nation…
Vodka cran (heavy on the vodka followed by grape cran over ice), notepad and a fresh pack of cigs…
A bitch switched on NBC. Tim Russert was mouthing off about the monumental task ahead of Scooter. The scene switches over to Jackson Square, which has been cleaned up for the occasion. The only sound is the hum of the generators for the lights. A lone podium has been set up in the middle of the lawn.
Out of the darkness comes Scooter…dressed casually and walking with the determination of a toddler!
Jesus, he looks like shit! The minions must have kept him awake last night so he could pull his best Bill Clinton (Bubba always gave us a good puffy eyed haggard face in the midst of trauma)!
A bitch kicked off my shoes and curled up. One sip of vodka grape cran and a puff on the cig…
Hit play and begin...
“Blah, blah, blah. Our fellow Americans are waiting for life and hope to return.”
MmmmHmmm. That’s nothing compared to the weeklong wait for law, order, sanitation, food and water to return...motherfucker. This bitch has been waiting for 5 fucking years for some fucking sanity to return! Jesus!
“Millions of lives were changed in a day by a cruel and wasteful storm.”
Glad to see that you finally noticed that shit…YOU LATE TO THE BALLGAME, STILL STRUGGLING TO CATCH UP, PATHETIC MOTHERFUCKER!
“Many of you are looking for meaning in a tragedy that seems so blind and random”
What? Asshole, people in the Gulf have feared this for decades! Catch up! When you get hit from behind by a baseball bat…that’s blind. When you see a motherfucker running towards you with a baseball bat…that’s pretty fucking vivid and clear. A bitch will give you random, but hold off on that blind shit.
“We have all witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this nation should ever know.”
All of us? We all witnessed it? Some of us witnessed it in real time, honey. Others had their minions burn a fucking DVD and caught that shit a few days later. FUCKER!
The rest of the information detailed in the speech will now be related in the form of a recipe…
Absolutely Useless Bullshit on Ice
5 Cups Franklin D. Roosevelt – Massive aid package, healthcare coverage, job training, federal land for homes program and a public works program.
2 Cups Truman with Reagan Preservative – Take responsibility…for the Federal involvement…which you didn’t know about…because you trusted the people around you…who made mistakes…while you were not in the room…and you can’t recall who/what/when/where…what was the question again?
1 Teaspoon Clinton – Profess a great understanding and concern for poverty. Note – in this small quantity Clinton does not have a huge impact on the overall mix.
2/3 Cup Pure Reagan – Announce incentives for entrepreneurship with the explanation that tax breaks for companies will create jobs. Note – Reagan is an artificial job stimulant and may have a bitter aftertaste commonly referred to as trickle down recession.
2 White, very white, amazingly white Eggs – Make sure that NBC flashes to two separate shelter shots to show evacuee (egg) reactions to your plan. Note – brown eggs are unpredictable and angry and may turn on your ass, which is why you want to use white eggs for public preparation.
1 Cup Vinegar – Promise a lot but present no plan to fund this shit.
10 Cups Bullshit (level off each cup) – Announce a congressional investigation to oversee the executive branch investigation, both of which are being led by the very motherfuckers who will benefit from a fruitless investigation into this mess!
Mix until smooth, pour over the entire country and bake for the next three years…until some brave and/or stupid fucker takes over in 2008 and actually tries to eat a portion of Absolute Bullshit on Ice…