A bitch might hate you if...

Rising to the challenge of a certain NuggetMaven…

My ass might hate you if…

1. You drive an SUV and you have confused size with entitlement. Scooting over into my lane is not a signal, motherfucker…it’s a challenge that my motherfucking insurance can handle.
2. You are critical of election results but don’t fucking vote.
3. You bitch about the number of Americans voting but you don’t participate in registration drives or offer to drive a motherfucker to the polls.
4. You pontificate about social injustice but don’t do a Gawd damned thing…move motherfucker…take a stand and DO SOMETHING!
5. You use the language of revolution but have no revolutionary spirit.
6. You hold others to a higher moral standard than your own ass…if it’s wrong for them to do it then it’s wrong for your ass too.
7. You have a bumper sticker sporting the Confederate Flag and some dumb-assed caption reading “It’s About Heritage not Hatred”…no, motherfucker, its about a heritage of hatred.
8. You confuse an accent with a person’s intelligence…you try learning Chinese in one year, motherfucker! Shit, this bitch can’t get past basic Swedish.
9. You confuse pro-choice with pro-murder.
10. You confuse my rights with your fucking bitness.
11. You confuse bigotry with religion.
12. You mouth off about values yet live a life without any.
13. You say you are color-blind…you can’t know this bitch without knowing my blackness…and even my fucking Dawg knows a black bitch when she sees one.
14. You say things like Black people want…or Your people want…we don’t vote on a universal black opinion, asshole! And if we did, a bitch is pretty sure you wouldn’t like it.
15. You pretend that your likes, wants and desires are shared by all…trust a bitch, my ass does not want your life.
16. Your insecurity leads you to drop little nuggets of playa-hatin bullshit…does my confidence intimidate you? Tough shit.
17. You don’t read…anything…ever.
18. You don’t have any original thoughts…thank Gawd for FOX or your ass would be mute!
19. You think a quote is going to make your point.
20. You care more about reality television than the reality around you.
21. You can name all the characters on Friends but can’t name two members of Scooter’s Cabinet.
22. You confuse socialism with communism, structure with tyranny and my silence with acceptance.
23. You bitch about control but refuse to take it…want to lead, motherfucker? Then lead.
24. You confuse your obsession with seeking a long-term relationship with what this bitch wants in her life.
25. You confuse fucking with love and love with fucking.
26. You ask for my opinion then get pissed off at a bitch for telling your ass the truth.
27. You spend all your time pissing in other people’s Corn Flakes and no time living your own life.
28. You speculate about who this bitch is fucking, if this bitch is fucking and when this bitch is fucking…is a bitch staring in your imaginary porn?
29. You start mess just to agitate then act shocked at the chaos you have created.
30. You have bad assed chil’ren and take them out in public…no, they aren’t cute and no a bitch doesn’t want to see Mitzi do her summersault. A bitch just wants to finish my coffee in peace!
31. You argue with my black ass about the existence of racism when you’ve never lived one second of one minute as a person of color.
32. This bitch can’t stand motherfuckers who are offended by words like bitch and fuck, but can eat dinner while listening to tales of rape, genocide and murder.
33. You bitch about the quality of education funding then turn around a vote against a tax increase to fund education.
34. You chew with your mouth open…nasty! NASTY! Close your fucking mouth!
35. You think that your insecurity about your physical appearance is shared by a bitch…sorry, but my ass is fine as hell and a bitch knows it. Large or small, fat or thin a bitch is cool with my shit.
36. You travel to another country then bitch about all the things that aren’t the same…asshole, maybe you should have just gone to Vegas.
37. You mouth off about the stray dog problem in St. Louis then turn around and pay $700 for a purebred pooch…from Iowa. Adopt a stray and save a life…it’s a dog, asshole, not an accessory.
38. You think its fine if we discuss my fried chicken obsession but wrong if my ass even mentions your wee little pill problem.
39. And finally…you merge then signal, signal but don’t turn, honk when a bitch doesn’t run down a pedestrian and generally drive like a freak. Fuck you!

This could go on for days…