Friday, May 13, 2005

The Heathens of Shaw...

I stay in the Shaw neighborhood. Generally, I like it. There’s a good mix of ghetto, ethnic and lib-lab city dwellers. But a bitch has had enough…enough, enough, enough… of bad-assed nappy headed heathens and the do-gooders who enable them!

The Heathens of Shaw
The heathens are the bad assed, no “parent” having, never been raised, nappy headed kids who roam the streets of Shaw. Now that they are pre-teens, they have acquired a contingent of ‘hos in training; young sassy black girls in too tight clothing with multi-colored hair and a bad-assed attitude taking notes and learning the trade.

Their goal in life? To do what they want to do, when they want to and be outside raising hell for as long as possible. This includes loud trash talking, random screaming, fights, some arson and lots of littering.

The New Neighbors
Recently, a nice super-liberal couple moved in next door. They are “county people”, which means that they lack that “mistrust of others” that city folks get. I like to call the return of county liberals to the city Reverse Flight - when liberal and/or hip white people flee the ‘burbs because they can’t stand how neo-con they have become.

They have a pre-teen, a toddler and an infant. They have a Volvo and an Instead of War sign. They also have a basketball hoop.

I know what you’re thinking. Did the heathens come and play on the new neighbor’s driveway court without permission? Did the neighbors call the cops?

Come on now, these are former-county, new to the city liberals. They authorized the nappy-headed bad-assed little shits to raise hell behind the house!

The Incident Behind the House Involving the Heathens
Three of the heathens wasted no time negotiating access to the hoop with the new neighbors. The neighbors, not being aware of the nature of these heathens and being full of do-gooderness, said sure. The heathens have been playing ball everyday until the neighbors get home. They are loud. They litter. They fight. And their numbers keep growing; three became six, six became ten, ten became 15 and, yesterday, 15 became 25. Yes… 25 nappy headed heathens and ‘hos in training raising hell in the alley behind my house.

When ABB Went Off
I was composing a nasty letter to the neighbors when our dawgs indicated that they wanted to go out to pee. I opened the door to the sight of three bad-assed children sitting on the trunk of my car watching the others try to kill each other.

ABB with attitude “Get off of my car!”

Heathen “Huh?”

ABB willing to clarify “Get the FUCK off my car!”

Other Heathen “What she say?”

ABB remembering how to speak the language “Motherfuckers! Get your asses off my fucking car!”

They moved. Slowly and with attitude.

Little bad-assed shits!

Fuck the letter. A bitch confronted the neighbor this morning. She acknowledged the problem, but seemed unsure of what to do. I pointed out that it was her fucking problem, that one of these heathens has a passion for arson and that they had reached numbers that were an incident waiting to happen. All of which was hers to deal with and I mean deal with soon. She fretted. My neck jerked. I think she got the message.

A bitch is pissed! I mean mad! Why the fuck would you have unsupervised children playing behind your house? Where are these heathen’s parents? Are these children crazy, sitting on my fucking car like it’s a park bench? What the fuck? Why can’t people just move in, settle and avoid their neighbors like city people are supposed to do?!?

I don’t have children. I don’t dislike them, but if my ass wanted 25 children playing behind my house I would have set that shit up! And is this any way to announce your ass to the neighborhood? Because I hate these motherfuckers and they haven’t been here for a month!

“Hi, we’re your new neighbors and we’ll be inciting riots and encouraging youth violence now that we are here!”


I mean, shit! Fucked up a bitch’s evening and made me have to cuss out some bad-assed kid.

ABB’s note to new city dwellers trying to reach out to neighborhood youth.
It looks like a child, but it may be a heathen. Settle your ass in and get to know people. Give it a week (trust me on this) and the heathens and hos in training will be easily distinguishable from the children.

You dumb-assed problem causing with no solution having motherfuckers!!!


BaltimoreLenore said...

Oh man. I predict the problem will not be solved by the end of the weekend either. The new neighbors probably knew how to say 'yes'. But I'm willing to bet my white ass that they'll have no clue how to say 'no'.

iopine said...

If they conjure up enough bollocks to say 'no,' my white @ss wonders if there'll be some not-very-nice racial tension? Icky.

Nemebabe said...

Oh...we have some of those too. Except they are freckled, redheaded devils. I just LOVE them.

dmfinny said...

Oh yeah. And in addition to the debits-to-our race, are their freckle-faced friends who in their "I'm so obviously hip hop now until Mater & Pater finish paying for my college education although I'll still insert like between every like word in like every sentence" state are all too willing to hang out with their swarthy friends, practice their lousy rap lyrics (get a fuckin' job, no-talent asshole), and smoke blunts on the stoop, while wondering why I have an attitude because my workin' ass gets up at 6 every morning and a bitch wants to sleep at 11pm. Jesus, give me strength.

Glad to hear from another angry black bitch.

stormem said...

An intellectual-loving recent reader of your postings; just brilliant.An angry-fabulously smart-bb.

Crystal-Lynn said...

Too Funny! Brilliant! Seriously, the hoop is coming down this weekend if I have to steal it, light it on fire down the block and blame it on Lil Pyro.

Mighty MaMa said...

Hey, that me was about ten years ago(white,free lovin',save the lost children,idiot) ! Be their friend and everything will work out the betterment of society. I love the city, loathe the burbs for many reasons. However, I have had to change the way I deal with the kids within my neighborhood. Some are great, some are a nightmare. They have issues that many of us aren't capable to deal with. My neighborhood sounds just like yours!!! You do have to admitt nothing compares to city living, let's just hope we can enjoy the perks of it w/o the downs of it forcing us to participate in "white flight" the reason its so jacked to begin with.

JPH said...

Please do a "piece" on that jesus-freak on the FDA Advisory committee blocking the Plan B pill. Tonight Bill Maher mentioned his crazy ass and said that he was recommending that women "read scripture" to help with PMS.

Run with it! I can't wait to read it!

I love love love your blog and I read it every day. I wish everyone was smart. Ugh!

TAW said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
disgruntled said...

I have to do the same thing (getting them heathens off my car). I'm start throwing rocks at they little ass just like they do to each other. One good knock to the head will serve they ass right.

Shawn said...

I can't stand bad assed little kids. I just want to kick 'em in they ass when I hear the sass, disrespect and ignorant spewing out of their mouths.

Gosh, what the hell happened to the way black people used to raise their kids?

I wonder if Super Nanny and/or Nanny 911 could be of assistance? They should do a special ghetto edition.

Nemebabe said...

Here's what I want to do to them...I want to snatch up the ones who I KNOW get their asses beat by their mommas (mine gets his beat when needed) and I want to beat their ass in front of their friends. Those little asshats wouldn't know what to do. Thats all they really need, a little neighborly love - the kind I got shown when I was a kid. I wouldn't have done a quarter of the shit these little pricks do these days, because my momma gave the neighbors permission to beat my ass when she wasn't around to do it herself (not that it ever happened, the thought that I was being watched by that many sets of eyes freaked me out). She had no problem with someone else "minding her business" when she couldn't be there to mind it.


Jeff said...

Neighborhood kids are the main reason why I don't own a firearm. Well, neighborhood kids and the Republican Party.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Until Jan '04, I was living in a fourth floor of a high rise, where my bedroom windowed faced out on an "urban" street. In the entire two years I lived there, I never got a good night's sleep--which reached an apex one night when one of those fools sped down the street and managed to roll his car over. Needed the jaws of life to get him out of his car. One fool down! For some unknown reason, calling the cops only adds to all the drama, and doesn't solve anything.

Good luck with all of this. I could use a healthy dose of your black girl attitude:)

Crystal-Lynn said...

OK, so I didn't burn it down. But I did assist the neighbor on the other side of this madness as she was out there negotiating a time limit on the hoop. They're disrespectful, but they can be ran off by pissy middle aged women.

justjudith said...

excellent point: what looks like a child may be a heathen or a heathen in training. hilarious. my mom had the exact same problem. three kids turned into thirty in the blink of an eye! gotta keep 'em check or they will multiply and tear your stuff up!

GN said...

Longing for the days when neighbors used to be able to discipline kids and be thanked rather than cussed out for their trouble...

Tell your white neighbors this:
1. Their facilitation of these brats' nasty behavior aint doing shit to advance the cause of the African Americans; it's actually pretty insulting to not cuss the fuck out of these little brats. What? African Americans kids shouldn't know to act better than that?
2. If they're suffering from a case of guilt, they need to volunteer somewhere and put their asses to work on something more constructive than watching Bebe's kids act the damn fool.

Anonymous said...

what's all this heathen talk? what's with these xtians anyways?
someone needs a life!

wow.. and to make a whiney, worn out blog over it all.



Shark-fu said...

Someone needs to get an urban dictionary...

...oh and fuck off.

I've got a, however, need to find a life.

Offline, perhaps?