It snowed Saturday.
Giant puffy bits of snow rained down on St. Louis city…coming in fast at sharp angles and making this bitch question the season.
Something about the heavy session of snow seemed fitting. It was like an environmental gotcha…as if even the gods of nature are feeling contrary ‘round here.
I couldn’t help pondering the weekend snow…how it coated the early buds on trees and mocked all who celebrated those first blades of green grass pushing through the soil to seek the sun.
And I realized that I’ve been in the midst of a case of Weltschmerz.
I keep starting posts I don’t want to finish…pondering topics and issues I can’t rustle up the energy to bitch about…and generally longing for the blessed release of sleep the moment I wake.
I just spent a month working my ass off on multiple fronts to defend against legislative assaults on women’s rights and access to health care…and trying not to think of all the amazing proactive people benefiting programs I’m not working on because I’m forever defending against legislative assaults on women’s rights and access to health care.
And I hit a wall of absolute undeniable Weltschmerz.
Mmmhmm…that’s right – Weltschmerz.
Sigh again…sip coffee once more…and continue.
I drove home through the freakish snow storm, all the while thinking that it was so fucking appropriate that it should be snowing in March on a Saturday when others are trying to get their outside activity on because the world has gone to shit and maybe some snow would help the gleeful masses realize that they are in the middle of a monumental shit storm that should inspire riots rather than trips to the zoo...
I arrived home, grabbed the computer to check my email, and was confronted by several emails confirming that the world has gone to shit and one email that hit my internal reset button.
A friend wrote to me about her experience at the recent Planned Parenthood Truth Tour event here in St. Louis…an event that I had worked on and one that I had seen more as a project to be completed than the rally it actually was.
Until I read my friend’s email…and saw the rally through her eyes.
What had been a project was mentally reset, because for my friend it was a rally at which she and her daughter were confronted with the forces that would deny women access to life saving services and those who are prepared to fight that with everything we have.
And I realized what camp I’m in and why I’m in it.
And I was reminded that there is a reason why a team of activists worked to pull that event together…why over 300 people gathered on a Saturday to participate…and why thousands of Missourians have signed an open letter pledging support.
My friend’s email was like anti-venom for my case of Weltschmerz – the impact melted away all the exhaustion and woe-is-me-ism and thoughts that no one really gives a flying shit so why-the-hell-do-bother-isms.
Reality may never fully satisfy the demands of the mind…but it often over performs and exposes a world not quite as fucked up from the floor up as it first appears.
Weltschmerz can kiss off.
This bitch is fixin’ to carpe this diem, damn it!
And yes, I’ll post a link to my write up about the specificitude of my friend’s email later.