A bitch had the worst nightmare last night!
I dreamed that I was kidnapped by The Man and held rendition style in some secret bunker to make sure that I missed the State of the Union address tonight and would thus be unable to provide a timely re-cap!
I woke up and was pleased to see that my ass wasn’t in a secret bunker and had not missed Scooter B.’s address to the nation featuring his personal fiction of the current nature of all things American.
Most of y’all know that this bitch, being an activist citizen (wink), tries not to miss presidential addresses and speech-like events. The State of the Union is like the Super Bowl of presidential speech making, so you know that this bitch will be watching tonight and will provide a bitchitude analysis for y'all tomorrow!
But first a bitch has to prepare for the big event.
ABB’s Sharktastic State of the Union List of Needed Things
Pre-address dinner shall be scored from Sweetie Pie’s on Manchester Ave…something smothered, something well seasoned, and something mac & cheese followed by something corn breadish.
Vodka (tonight we’ll be indulging in vodka produced by my beloved Swedes)
Water (it is a school night, for the love of all that’s holy)
Excedrin (Scooter B.’s speeches often result in vicious head-aches)
Claritin (a bitch is allergic to bullshit)
Eye drops (just in case I’m driven to tears…shit, a bitch can’t have puffy red eyes in the morning).
Note pad for note taking
Pen for note writing
Pen for tossing at television in disgust
TiVo…because a bitch doesn’t want to miss a moment of this shit.
Cell phone...’cause folks may need counseling post speech
That should do it.
Onward to the score card!
New way forward…way forward…
or any variation on the theme - 3 points
Al Qaeda - 2 points
Fight them there rather than here…or variations on that theme - 2 points
Nuclear in same sentence as Iran - 5 points
Provacative language as relates to Iran - 10 points
Terrorists when referring to insurgents - 2 points
War on terror when referring to Civil War - 3 points
Islamic Fascists…or variations on the theme - 4 points
Afghanistan in the same sentence as victory- 10 points
Afghanistan in the same sentence as "thriving heroin industry" - oh fuck it, what are the odds?
Axis of Evil (if he’s dumb enough to go there again) - 100 points
Madame Speaker - Priceless
That should do it!
Tune in Wednesday for a recap and point total…