Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Making friends in Venezuela one death threat at a time...

A bitch had a peaceful evening at home last night. My ass sipped vodka crans while watching a special on A&E featuring Missouri and our glorious Meth problem. This bitch was fascinated to see the emerging war on Meth manifest itself in fucking Franklin County. Not only are we the #1 slackers in the country (guilty as charged) but we are also the epicenter of the Meth menace.

So proud…so very fucking proud…

Since this bitch rarely leaves the city and, when my ass does, rarely goes within shooting distance of Franklin County, watching the A&E special was almost like watching an episode of Cops in Los Angeles. It was so random and sad and so very foreign.

Following a mind cleansing viewing of the Daily Show, a bitch took to my lair on the 3rd floor to sleep…

My dream-based submissives (yes, a bitch now has two vying for my correction), Karl Rove and the Prince of Darkness were feisty and in desperate need of correction. Apparently, my brief vacation from beating the shit out of them made them think they were done with the rod of correction. Silly little shits…don’t they know that a bitch will be handing down discipline for years to come?

Honestly, my ass really does sleep better when ritualized correction is included in my dreams! Go figure.

Waking rested and only slightly congested, this bitch began the morning routine.

2 cups coffee with 1% organic milk (yum), tons of Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and a fresh pack of cigs…

Goddess spare me! My ass turned on the Today Show and…well…can a bitch just share with my chil’ren that Pat Robertson has lost his damned mind!

Matt Lauer kicked it off with “Why is Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of a world leader?”

What! What the fuck did he just say? A bitch can’t wait to see the TiVo rewind figures on that shit, because my ass sure as hell replayed it twice.

Paddy, we’re close but a bitch plans to add him to my submissive stable so we can be…well...closer, told his 700 Club viewers the following

To recap...President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela needs to be taken out. President Chavez has made Venezuela a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism. Oh, and it’d be cheaper to just take President Chavez out because “we don’t need another 200 Billion war.”

Oh shit…a bitch is getting all excited and flushed!

It’s hard to isolate what this bitch enjoys more about Paddy loosing his fucking mind.

Could it be that this call to assassinate President Chavez comes so quickly behind his prayer vigil asking Gawd to “create more vacancies on the Supreme Court”? Paddy’s starting to sound like the BTK killer in prep. mode!

Could it be that Paddy pointed out what is probably a fucking accurate dollar estimate for the cost of deposing Saddam, which Scooter could have done without the American public hearing right ‘bout now? Goodness, did his microchip malfunction? Fantabulous!

Or is it that Paddy seems to believe that Muslim extremists and communists are in partnership to launch a massive take-over of the United States…from fucking Venezuela! Oh…oh…my ass just cracked a rib laughing! That Paddy…he’s just so ccccrrrrrraaaaaazzzzy!

ABB's Rational take on Paddy's Verbalized Insanity...
A bitch knows that the logical conclusion to Paddy mapping out his plan to assassinate a foreign head of state is that he’s worried about President Chavez telling the United States to go fuck ourselves. Hugo (we’ve bonded, but a bitch is working on establishing trust) thinks we suck and he’s not sure he wants to sell us his oil. We think Hugo is bonkers and we don’t like our oil purchases tied to whether we’re "likable". If the United States holds to historical behavior, we should mount a faux militant resistance to Hugo’s socialist regime, sell arms to that resistance and provide training, support the new leadership once the faux overthrow is complete, establish a puppet president in a bullshit democracy, get nervous when our boy in Venezuela stops returning our phone calls, get livid when evidence appears that he’s using our fucking planes to transport cocaine into Tampa, freak the fuck out when he turns his guns on us and then invade the country we single handedly destabilized in an effort to encourage…well…stability!

It’s so predictable it probably already has odds listed in Vegas!

ABB's More Exciting Take on Paddy's Verbalized Insanity...

But a bitch plans to indulge in some deluded thinking. It’s more fun on a Tuesday to imagine that Paddy is an undercover serial killer who has been fooling the world into thinking he’s a religious leader, while spending his evenings roaming the streets searching for new victims! Shit...yeah...foaming at the mouth! Paddy may very well be the Undercover Evangelical Christian Church Leader Turned Fiend killer! Fucking fantabulous indeed!

Screw BTK!

This bitch is waiting for the American Justice episode on the capture of the UECCLTF killer...aka Paddy Robertson!


BarefootCajun said...

Our minds are channeling each other today, ABB, as I couldn't resist a Robertson rant of my own. [vbg]

MTG said...

Yeah Paddy is a real dumb ass...what scares me is that people will think he actaully speaks for christians..NOT

ding said...

you're so right about chavez it's going to look downright prescient when it happens. we've been chapped about them for the past 4 years - it'd be protest worthy if we weren't so gol-darned distracted by iraq.


Dee said...

I'm all about angry bitches. I'm linking you

CrankyProf said...

God, I miss Hunter S. Thompson.


Sangroncito said...

I'd like to boil Pat Robertson alive on a slow flame.

boingodeluxe said...

I suspect that Paddy thinks that if we can't freely assassinate leaders of other countries then the terrorists have already won.

Maidink said...

Robertson is such a knucklehead.

Hammer said...

HAHA. ABB, I wrote about the same BS today. I can't believe this shit. The US needs to stay out of Venezuela. All of this is coming down after Chavez decided not to send his troops to the Escuela de los asesinos (School of the Americas/Western Hemisphere International Security Cooperation (WHINSEC)). The US Cannot control Chavez, his people or his Oil (even though they will use CAFTA do try), and are going to socially slander him until he agrees to control the Venezuelan-rabble through torture. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.




BarefootCajun said...

Hammer, are you referring to the School of the Americas that we promised to close after Panama?


It's Me, Maven... said...

Didn't some leader of China make a similar threat to the US, when China was questioned regarding their oppression of the Taiwanese? They made some "veiled" comment regarding how the US knows they've got nuclear capability, bla bla.... If the Soviets were such a threat and that was deemed the "Cold War Era," WTF are we in right now?

Not-so-suddenly, I feel uncomfortable living on the east coast:( Anyone know where a gal can get some 1-2X lead lined panties and Norad pills? Gonads and thyroid be damned!

Puleeze, if I can plant something in your subliminal mind, ABB... please have Ricky Baby do some not-so-consensual fisting of Paddy... purty please? I'll even supply the lube... or not... it's your call.

Hammer said...

Yes that'd be the same School of Torture. I'm so pissed off and ready to bring about the revolution. I'm sick of waiting for the stupid/evil (all the same) people in this country to come to their senses.

What's really scary is that the US is clearly using it's foreign policy to scare the people of it's own country into submission...I.E. "we will use this against you" etc.

It's time my brothers and sisters. It's time. Don't be afraid. It'll be fun!


Che Hammer Puritan

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hell it's not even the foreign policy which is attempting to force us into submission... what about the U*S*P*A*T*R*I*O*T*A*C*T? Fuck! They've even threatened to track down which library books we've read--how subversive is that!? Yeah, let's blow holes thru the US Constitution... no bigger threat to Americans than that! Our very civil liberties are at stake here.

fahren said...

So I'm guessing he's ok with the current $300 billion war? He's senile. Why come Paddy doesn't get excited about the Nazis marching unopposed in NC?


fahren said...

And another thing, seems like calling for murder on tv should be punishable under the Patriot Act don't it?


kirstenmonster said...

say did you guys see this? it was on fox news, they were bugging some guy walking his dogs, and it must have pissed him off so he told them "none of your fucking business" on live tv.