Strategy Meeting Reminder...

Don't forget!

This bitch will be at Mokabes tomorrow August 1 at 6:30 pm to discuss strategy and work on some specifics of our grassroots effort to spread knowledge.

Thank you to everyone who expressed interest but will not be there tomorrow.

A bitch will update the masses on a regular basis.

Look for the black woman with fantabulous blue eyeglasses and the killer Afro (wink)...

Toodles!

Wishing Robin Roberts a speedy recovery…

Good Morning America co-anchor Robin Roberts announced that she has breast cancer.

Unlike the Associated Press, this bitch doesn't think it is relevant which breast they found cancer in.

Jesus!

I don’t know what bothers me more…that the reporter asked which breast it was or that the network not answering that question made it into the report.

Ugh.

Anyhoo, Ms. Roberts will have surgery Friday.

Hats off to her for using the opportunity to highlight the benefits of early detection and self examination, which is a message that women of color particularly need to take to heart.

A seizure, a collapse, the Chief Justice and mastering the art of passing out whilst on vacation at your summer home in Maine…

Chief Justice John Roberts passed out on a dock in Maine yesterday after he had a seizure. Specifically, he suffered a benign idiot pathetic…pardon me, idiopathic seizure...cough...and then fell the fuck out on the dock at his summer home (must be nice) in Maine.

A full neurological exam found that Chief Justice Roberts is still a knavish ass but he does not suffer from any apparent disorder. However doctors are concerned about high levels of Assholia Judgementica Maximus Wrongitis found in the fluid surrounding his brain.

Blink.

Oh, and Roberts also has a history of randomly pass out.

Media reports mentioned that Roberts claimed his health was “excellent” whilst being confirmed as Chief Justice.

Blink again and then fluff Afro.

But if he’s being as honest about his health as he was about his belief in stare decisis it would appear that the situation up in his brain is actually fucked up from the floor up.

…and then orange soda shot from my nose!

This bitch read the news that Dickie C. is a “big fan” of Alberto Gonzales and…well, something about that quote inspired a fit of giggles!

Oh…my…Gawd!

I just snorted up orange soda all over my desk (wince).

Shit, the keyboard!

Pause and offer gratitude for not bringing Ms. Sister Girl MacBook into the office.

Seriously though...

giggle followed by giggle followed by snort-based giggle and a gasp

...does anyone need any more proof that Attorney General Gonzales is in league with Satan?

Lucifer’s Head Minion in Charge thinks Alberto is a hell of a guy!

Oh shit, here we go again with the giggles...

A follow-up...

Happy motherfucking Monday!

A bitch would like to welcome everyone checking me out by way of the Rude One’s post. This bitch looks forward to that guest blogging gig...big time.

Welcome to the Land of Bitchitude!

Shall we proceed?

A follow-up…
This bitch is proud of those people in military service who read this blog.

Many have contacted me to vent, for a laugh and for Bitchfirmations…and all of you remain in my prayers.

I am the granddaughter, daughter, niece and cousin of people who have served in the military.

Hell, my grandfather served this nation long before this nation deigned to speak of "granting" him civil rights.

So, although this bitch does not support this war and my ass sure as shit doesn’t support the way this war has been managed (translation = fubar)… that doesn't translate into my being cool with The Man fucking over the people who are actually living up to their pledge as they serve a government incapable of living up to anything.

Blink.

When the Walter Reed scandal broke a bitch was not surprised...I know too many vets to be shocked by that shit...but I was pleased when a commission was appointed.

Dole & Shalala went out and documented the systemic flaws that result in inadequate care and emotional stress for vets and their families. They recently presented their report to Scooter B., his minions and Congress.

Then Scooter B. struck a pose on the White House lawn with two wounded vets and urged action.

Blink.

Which was cool…I also urge Congress to legislate the estimated ten percent of the recommendations that Shalala says require legislation.

But a bitch also urges Scooter B. and his assorted flavors of minions to tackle the 90 percent of recommendations that fall on the administrations side of the plate.

In other words, keep the curiously new work out clothes on and get 'bout the business of working on the motherfucking problem!

All they have to do is channel the same energy that fueled senior administration officials as they raced through the halls of a certain hospital to enthusiastically strong arm the Attorney General into doing semi-conscious that which he would not do if lucid…cough…yeah, channel that frenzified energy into fixing the fubarification that is medical care for too many of our veterans.

But that would be too much like right…right?

That's just wrong...

Pondering news out of Washington State...

Okay, so a bitch read this story out of Washington State and…well, I certainly hope this lawsuit is tossed.

Pharmacists have sued to fight a rule that forces them to fill prescriptions.

Blink.

Specifically, pharmacists have sued to fight a ruling that forces them to fill prescriptions for emergency contraception.

The pharmacists say the rule, which just kicked in, forces them to choose between “their livelihoods and their deeply held religious and moral beliefs.”

Now, that quote is just asking for some questions.

Are these same pharmacists forced to fill prescriptions for erectile dysfunction drugs and, if so, do they ask if the customer is married or gay (gasp) to ensure they are not promoting sex outside of marriage or gay sex or even hour after hour multiple orgasm reaching without the hope of child creating sex?

Does the pharmacy check to see if every woman coming in to fill a birth control prescription is married? Oh, and they also need to confirm that the customer isn’t using the pill for treatment of some condition like fibroids. Oh fuck it, what’s having a woman walk about with her period for three consecutive weeks compared to the mission of protecting women against the lure of sex without baby-based consequences?

Hmmm.

Does the pharmacy also sell condoms? Do they confirm marriage, check for signs of same sex behavior or ask the customer if they have accepted Jesus into their heart and renounced Satan and all of his minions?

Mercy!

Don’t get me wrong….I understand their dilemma.

My taxes are used to fund a war I never supported…fantabulous health care for politicians I can’t stand…and the salary of Governor Matt Blunt, who I believe to be one of Satan's minions.

So yes, I empathize with being “forced” to choose between the IRS coming down on me like a ton of bricks and my deeply felt moral and religious beliefs.

But these pharmacists can actually opt out of filling the prescription and get another pharmacist to do so as long as the customer receives the meds in the same visit. Which gives them the power of choice that they are seeking to deny their customers.

Nice.

Gosh, I sure wish I could opt out of paying taxes that may pay for war or put food on Matt Blunt’s table. I wonder if I could find a neo-con willing to pay them for me (wink).

Logs off to search for lawyer willing to sue the State of Missouri...

To meet or not to meet...

Is it me or has this week been long as hell?

Anyhoo, a bitch plans to continue my Urban League experience this weekend. Sadly, I missed the Presidential hopeful-based panel discussion today. But PubDef is live blogging the convention so this bitch will not have to miss a single moment of the Clinton/Obama/Edwards "please give me the black vote" verbal exchanges.

Fantabulous!

Moving forward on a Presidential tip…

This bitch didn’t watch the YouTube debate on CNN.

Why watch it on CNN when I can catch all the good bits over at YouTube (wink)?

But a bitch did witness the media frenzification stirred up by the post YouTube debate Clinton/Obama fracas.

The dust has yet to settle, chil’ren!

One of the…well, one of “you”...got your YouTube on and asked whether the candidates would promise to meet with the leaders of rogue nations to get some diplomacy started.

Obama said he would…and that not talking to the leader of a nation did not equal punishment for bad ass shit that nation may or may not have done.

Clinton said she would not make that promise and that she thought such a promise to meet during the first year unwise.

Blink.

Okay…yeah, I know…not all that heated an exchange.

But wait…it does get better!

After the debate…and without those pesky CNN cameras catching the flush of heated anger and those lips that you just know got tight…all hell broke lose!

Clinton’s people accused Obama of being naïve.

Obama’s people said Clinton ought to know all about “naïve” since her vote to authorize the war was the very definition of that shit (wince).

Clinton retaliated by sending someone forth to drop a spinified nugget that Obama is willing to meet with Holocaust deniers (daaaaaaaaaamn!).

Then Obama dropped a perfectly timed to meet primetime deadlines diss in a speech calling Clinton Bush/Cheney Lite or something like that (oooh, that’s gotta burn!).

I’m waiting for Clinton to take the mic and remind Obama that the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club (wink).

Can you imagine those two waiting together in the wings for today’s Urban League event to begin.

Awkward as a motherfucker!

But a bitch was struck by the topic of this exchange. When did talking to the leaders of other nations get taken off the table? And why?

Catch the knee…a bitch isn’t endorsing anyone. I’m just curious about this shit, because it seems to me that many a political all star met with the then enemies of our nation back in the day.

FDR met with Stalin…JFK met with Khrushchev…fuck it, Nixon went on holiday with Mao.

And didn’t President Clinton meet with Arafat...and Chavez…oh, and Assad?

Blink.

Hell, Scooter B. (President Bush for the uninitiated) just had Putin to the family compound…and he’s accused of killing journalists, poisoning a Presidential candidate in Ukraine and protecting a Russian citizen who may have poisoned an enemy of Putin's government and contaminated half of fucking London while doing it!

Blink again.

I just don’t get this 'diplomacy equals weakness' thing. I don’t like the assumption that by meeting with someone you just blinked. And this bitch is more than a wee bit uncomfortable with any candidate positioning the silent treatment as a mature technique in the face of all the Bush-based evidence we have to the contrary.

Sigh.

But oh, don’t stop!

More…more, more, more!

Keep that shit coming!

Mama Shark-fu remains an unapologetic glutton for down and dirty political content…

Upon the discovery of the Skinny Ass Robustus virus…

Shall we?

A bitch watched the breaking news that a person can catch weight gain from their friends with intense interest. Apparently some new study…and don’t you just love how there is always a new study?...found that overweight people seem to “catch” their weight gain from within their friendship circles.

Oh my, so its not the result of consuming massive quantities of smothered yumminess after all.

Blink.

Three cheers for massive quantities of smothered soul food yumminess!

Well, that changes everything about my approach to the size of my ass. Out with the “sometimes foods” and in with manipulating frightfully thin people into friendship so this bitch can catch a good case of Skinny Ass Robustus!

Wink.

Do I really want to catch a case of Skinny Ass Robustus?

Not a serious case, that’s for sure. A bitch ain’t trying to lose my curves (wink). Come to think of it, I could give a shit about weight loss. Skinny as hell is not my beauty ideal. But...but, but, but...if I catch this thin virus I could eat all the smothered yumminess I want and never gain more weight!

Happy, happy, happy…and joy times three!

Okay, so I need to locate frightfully thin people for my party. But wait! Some of my friends are frightfully thin. If thin is a virus…and you catch is from friends who are infected with thin…then why the hell is a bitch not frightfully thin?

Oh, I get it. I must not have been properly exposed to Skinny Ass Robustus!

Mayhap I should throw a Skinny Ass Robustus party the way parents throw a Chicken Pox party?

Yes!

But someone is going to have to explain how I catch this shit.

Do I rub up against the frightfully thin people…a lot…all night until we’ve exchanged germs?

Lawd, I hope they aren’t bony thin people.

Pause…consider…continue.

Bony wouldn’t be any fun…a bitch might cut myself on a hip (wink)! I’ll settle for toned and firm. Yeah, toned and firm is the kind of the contagion I’m looking for.

Hmmm, an evening of toned body on firm body party-fication.

Ooooh.

Who gives a shit if I get frightfully thin?!?

My Skinny Ass Robustus party may turn into the debauch of the motherfucking century!

Thanks be to science…

On the Zahn for Brown CNN trade...

A bitch just read the news that a certain Paula Zahn will be leaving CNN (hip hip…horray!) and is being replaced by Campbell Brown (ummm, err...okay?).

A bitch can’t stand Zahn, who is a rancid heifer who shamelessly indulges in race baiting during primetime in hopes of winning over the "I'm not a racist, but..." demographic from FOX.

And don’t come at me with that "does it really matter?" crap either. You may not watch CNN, but a lot of people do…and this bitch happens to think it wise to keep an eye on that which pollutes our fellow citizens’ fragile minds (wink).

Anyhoo, Zahn is out and Campbell Brown formerly of NBC's Weekend Today is in.

Blink.

I like what I know of Campbell Brown. She handled the White House beat well and actually reported the news every now and then (gasp).

The problem is that Campbell Brown is married to a Republican minion, Dan Senor.

Dan Senor is a Republican strategist who supplies FOX with their drug of choice on a regular basis (wince).

Senor was…are you sitting down?...ugh.

Senor was the head motherfucker in charge of advice to one of history’s all time fuck ups, L. Paul Bremmer…and he did that advising during the time period in which Bremmer was fucking it up on a historic scale.

Oh, and add to that frightfully conservative mix the fact that he was Director of the Coalition Information Center during Operation Iraqi Freedom...which means he was at the source of some of the most fantastical propaganda ever consumed by a ravenous press.

Lawd Campbell!

Your choice in mate makes a bitch fear gazing at you directly lest I turn into a pillar of salt!

Jesus!

Shudder.

Mayhap a bitch is off target and this marriage is on the Matlin/Cavillian tip.

Or maybe Campbell Brown’s tolerance of political malfeasance is above average...having grown up the daughter of a certain Jim Brown.

Blink.

What?

I’m just “Keeping Them Honest” y’all…

C-Money's Guest Post from China...

C-Money is in China on bitness and sent this bitch the following guest post....which she will have to read via some sort of internet-based manipulation since this bitch's blog is banned in China.

Blink.

Anyhoo, here's C-Money's guest post...

Ni Hao

你好

Hello from Beijing Church of Bitchitude! This is C-Money sending greetings from far, far away. I’m in China on business. And I’m squeezing in some R&R as well, mostly in the form of rest, room service and shopping.

The first thing that struck me about China is how Western it is relative to my expectations. And how foreign it is in other ways. Take the food for instance. I love Chinese food … but this ain’t no ghetto rice and General Gao’s y’all. Congee (soft rice porridge with meat on top) for breakfast? Double boiled shark’s fin in brown sauce or braised abalone with fish maw or fried pigeon for dinner anyone? I’m sure this is all delicious, but I’ve been totally lame and tame, eating a lot of salmon and desserts while watching CNN scare the shit out of everyone about “made in China.” Interestingly, saw a scary story in the paper here about food from USA. Food safety dissing has gone global. And so has the yoga trend – it’s big here. And fast food is proliferating. KFC and Pizza Hut and Starbucks are everywhere. At Starbucks you can get “moon cake” … traditional yummy for this time of year … I haven’t sampled it yet as I’m still into mango pudding and green tea cake, two local yummies I’m into.

China is much more open than you’d think from the news and speeches we hear in America. The one thing that is not overblown are reports about air pollution. I’ve found it hard to breathe at times and you can literally taste the air. If I’m out in it too long I get dizzy and tired. The air mixed with the 90 degree heat makes for limited excursions. It’s hard to tell how much is standard air pollution and how much is due to construction. They are building like crazy, getting ready for the Olympics and very proud to welcome the world next summer. I’m sure they’ll run the dust buster and make sure it’s all shiny by this time next year. Hospitality absolutely translates and the hospitality is lovely. Very impressive how much absolutely everyone is on it, like the whole place is in a dress rehearsal for the big event.

As those who know me well can attest, I’m kind of like Mr. Magoo, nearsighted and befuddled when I’m about town. I kinda screwed up the “when” part of getting from Shanghai to Beijing … it got sorted at the Air China desk when she pointed out I was there a day late. Shark-Fu didn’t think that story was so funny … methinks I worried her (Shark-fu's response - she fucking did...damnit...my nerves are already bad!) … I thought it was hysterical that I didn’t know what day I was supposed to go. Anyway, clear on the date now. Have calendar. All better now.

Shanghai was like Paris and New York shaken, not stirred. I went round to touch all of the latest leather goods in all the flashiest, bling-bling boutiques. And I had a full-on religious experience in the house of Chloe. I really can’t get into it here. It was beautiful … hot-hot-hot … on sale … tres chic … c’est bon … better than sex. Bye-bye Shanghai.

I’m a delicate flower and was strongly considering ordering room service all day and reading Harry Potter. But today’s a day off and I wasn’t able to do anything on Sunday because I was in bed sick all day. So I was determined to head out and do something today. See something of Beijing. But what? Imperial City and Tiananmen Square were out due to the haze and walking and trying to breathe in the haze. I breathed outside on Saturday in Shanghai and it took two days to recover. My interpreter told me that I could rest at Starbucks, but then someone else said that they closed the Starbucks in the Imperial City. While I find the sight of a Starbucks abroad comforting, I tend to agree with the people’s cultural head-people-in-charge that a Starbucks in the Imperial City is a bit much. I loved Bertolluci’s The Last Emperor, so the possibility of venturing to the Summer Palace was also considered as there are more inside bits (I think) … but the weather was too much to hazard in the end. The Great Wall is an all day thing and, um, it’s outside too … so … nothing left to do but go to the mall/market/whatever!

But I shamelessly shopped every bling label imaginable (with the exception of Gaultier because he was out of the way) when I was in Shanghai. In Beijing with only a few more days in country, seems like I should get something meaningful if I was going to skip Harry Potter and breathe in God-knows-what. A bauble that screams China and would be worth screwing up some courage to go out, get lost, get found, bargain, etc. (When shopping in Beijing you have to bargain. I am not a fan of bargaining. It’s tiring.) Anyway, I recalled Coco Chanel’s love of pearls and thought a strand would be a lovely French affectation by way of Beijing authenticity to go with my new Chloe bag from Shanghai. Plus I think Shark-Fu said “I like pearls” in the middle of telling me to pack Sudafed and copies of my passport and not to be stupid and not to get arrested. Settled then. Pearls. A nice pick-me-up for Shark-Fu after the gas theft incident and dog-sitting Schweeting and of course missing me terribly (wink). And some for me too so we can go out and have lunch when we’re old, tisking and clutching our pearls in horror at the doings of young people. I had a mission now. Go forth and do, find the pearl place I read about online and bargain for Shark-Fu’s new necklace. Something clutchable…

I went to Ling Ling on the 4th Floor of the Pearl Market (Hong Qiao) near the Temple of Heaven and had a lovely time. I watched them tie knots and then finish up my baby sister’s necklace with the wave of a lighter. I’m so proud of my little journey out. In going out in search of pearls I got to see more of Beijing via car, pick my way across a highway (less treacherous than Shanghai), dodge panhandlers, weave through an OVERWHELMING number of stalls (photography seemed verboten, so I didn’t try) with piles and piles of jewelry and people out being people, escalating up until I got to the diva floors, wandering in search of the store, putting my cram session to use comparing roundness and luster, deciding on length and chugging water, waiting for hand production which is really interesting to see, and then getting out of the market and into the back of a cab taking advantage of tourists, back into the tranquility of the hotel.

Love and kisses. I’ll check your blog out via China Mobile, the only way to get to this site. You’re … um … blocked in China. But I’m glad I found a way to read you … it’s strangely comforting … kinda like being cussed out for calling at 6 a.m. I miss ya! And if I hear the Malaysia Truly Asia jingle one more time I’m going to lose it. Korea Sparkling is right behind it on my “enough already!” list.

C-Money

Petrol Thieving - A heathen of Shaw incident...

Update - This bitch went to Auto Zone and scored a gas lock. The nice folks there said they've been selling a lot of them. Ugh! Anyhoo, hopefully the gas lock will result in a problem solved.

Note - longtime readers will remember The Heathens of Shaw incidents (here & here) from back in the day that resulted in Ms. Sister Girl Cabrio being assaulted.

Shall we?

Yesterday this bitch arrived home after work tired as hell.

I haven’t been sleeping very well and my ass was looking forward to a nice quiet evening with my sorta-beagles and dawg niece Sweetie the Three Legged Chow.

The dawgs had other plans.

They were beyond hyper and this bitch ended up letting the sorta-beagles out to bake in the sun and hopefully burn off some fuel. Unfortunately, certain dawgs feel the need to bark at the neighbor's cat, random birds, child'ren on bikes and cars driving past as if a horde of angry invaders where attempting to conquer the backyard.

Ugh.

And this bitch has no intention of being that neighbor with those dawgs who bark all the fucking time. Thus my evening was a dance of inside/outside until they finally calmed down around 9ish.

Exhausted, a bitch tucked into a well deserved vodka cran and settling down to watch Blog Wars on Sundance.

Interesting documentary, by the way…lots of blogger celebrities (wink)…oh, and an appearance by Christopher Hitchens who looked like absolute shit on ice but did managed to get through the entire film without saying the word "placenta".

Blink.

Anyhoo, at 11:30pm Sweetie the Chow needed to get her pee on.

A bitch opened the door and looked out after her to make sure she made it down the stairs okay (what?...she’s only got one front leg!!) only to catch sight of some shadowy motherfucker lurking near Ms. Sister Girl Cabrio’s ass!

Oh, hell no!

I shouted for the shadow to get the fuck away from my motherfucking car and watched him run down the alley.

At that moment Sweetie decided to bark and the sorta beagles came running out the door in response (great timing, dawgs…way to charge in and protect a bitch.)

Cursing them and the shadow, a bitch grabbed my flashlight and attempted to survey the drama from the porch-based area.

The wee little gas thang was open on the side of my car and there appeared to be a plastic milk jug by the tire.

Son of a biscuit!

That motherfucker was trying to steal a bitch's gas!

Blink.

Who the fuck steals gas...from a Cabrio...on a Monday?

Motherfucker!

The police were called...mostly so a bitch could make sure no damage was done with an armed guard....and, having found nothing wrong and seeing the cops off, this bitch sat down to glare at my dawgs.

ABB to Betsey & Theo the sorta beagles... "Damn, y'all! If I have to put up with you freaking the fuck out and getting your bark on when people walk past the front door the least you can do is sound the alarm when someone is trying to fuck with Mum's Sister Girl Cabrio!"

Sweetie panted a bit and Betsey and Theo wagged their tails in response, which I'm choosing to interpret as an apology for their failure to protect my car from the evil doer with the motherfucking milk jug who tried to steal a bitch's hard earned petrol.

Lawd, have mercy...

A Strategy Meeting - HB 1055 Plan…

This bitch thinks we need to get our meet on and take stock of our resources regarding our grassroots offensive against HB 1055.

August 1, 2007
Mokabes 3606 Arsenal St.
6:30pm

Oh, and Kansas City locals should contact Blue Girl, Red State for information.

If you are unable to make the St. Louis meeting but would still like information please contact me via e-mail (available at my complete profile).

Toddles!

The struggle in Birmingham...

A certain Catherine requested that a bitch alert the flock of bitchitude to the drama taking place outside the New Women All Women Health Clinic in Birmingham.

Please take a moment to read this post from the front lines.

And thank you to Catherine for bringing this to my attention.

A democracy groweth in Pakistan?

Well, it looks like Dickie C. officially yielding the power we all assume he already yields didn’t bring about the end of days.

Blink.

I still think it was wise to be prepared.

Think of it as a Tyranny Preparedness drill (wink)!

Moving forward…

A democracy groweth in Pakistan?
This bitch has long been fascinated by the ability of Scooter B. and his minions to get the press to buy the premise of his argument that American is on a mission to spread democracy through the region.

There are too many examples that expose that as bullshit!

Why, just this past week Pakistan emerged as the latest example.

Scooter B. and his minions allied themselves with a certain President Pervez Musharraf to fight the war against…well, it got complicated...sigh...but Pakistan was crucial to the war America started out fighting because "the enemies of freedom” were camped out on the Pakistani Afghan border.

For reasons that only befuddle the Bush administration, the “enemies of freedom” are still camped out on the Pakistani Afghan border and we’ve been sleeping with one eye open trying to keep the love alive with Pakistan despite their tendency to get their creep on and step out with…well, the “enemies of freedom” camped on their border with Afghanistan.

Wince.

But fuck it all, chil’ren! Musharraf is still our guy…sort of. And Bush probably looked into his eyes and judged him to be a good soul.

But last week the Supreme Court of Pakistan reinstated its Chief Justice in defiance of Musharraf, who clearly has been reading Dictatorship for Dummies and was trying to prevent the establishment of an independent judiciary.

Gawd, that sounds so achingly familiar.

So, Pakistan is making moves…internal shifts and challenges show signs of a pro-democracy movement supported by the citizens (oh my!)…and the United States of America is upset because…what?

Well, because a democratic victory in Pakistan would unseat our guy in Islamabad…who we appear to value more than the growth of democracy in the region.

Lawd, if that doesn’t make your afro hurt nothing will!

The Pakistani people are just going to have to learn some patience! Freedom takes time…blink…and the approval of the United States government based on the calculated risks and benefits to the How to Get to Fubar in 6 Years or Less Master Plan the administration’s been working off of from day one.

Breaking News - Dickie C. to take the wheel…

Oh, my sweet Lawd have mercy on my soul!

Scooter B. is set to undergo a Full Couric (wink) tomorrow and…

Wait!

Are you sitting down?

Okay.

Vice President Dick Cheney will take over Presidential powers whilst Scooter B.’s colon is scoped!

Lawd!

Oh, noooooooooooooo!

Shit!

Okay….okay, okay….a bitch needs to calm down.

Gasp!

Lawd!!!

Okay…okay, okay…I need to check my 'the world is going to shit and the end of days is upon us' check list.

Water?

Check!

Smarties?

Check!

Map to Canada through multiple routes including rural Vermont & Maine?

Check!

Dawg kibble and snacks?

Check!

Baseball bat?

Check!

Cool.

Everything is cool.

A bitch is beyond prepared!

Blink.

What?

Well, shit. There’s no telling what drama Dickie C. can bring about in two to three hours plus recovery time!

Think ‘bout that before you mock my check list complete with kibble and Smartie-based joy.

Mmhmm.

Trust that a bitch won’t be the only one sleeping with my baseball bat tomorrow!

Logs off to call Brother Rob and confirm the location of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks flee to bunker…

Tensions heating & drama increasing…

Y’all know a bitch is all over the twists in the Russian spy poisoning case!

Here’s the latest…

Russia is expelling (you get an instant visual with that word, don’t you?) four British diplomats…‘cause the United Kingdom is expelling four Russian diplomats because Russia is refusing to hand over Andrei Lugovoi…catch breath...who has been identified by U.K. officials as a suspect in the poisoning of Alexander Lit­vinenko.

Oh my!

ABB's take on how this latest shit went down…
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov… “I don’t know who you think you’re telling what to do, but you have lost your motherfucking mind Mr. Miliband!”

British Foreign Secretary David Miliban… “You need to come correct and hand over that felon! This ain’t 1946, asshole. We are New Britannia and I think you need to recognize!”

Lavrov... “Fuck you asshole. Russia will not hand over a citizen to stand trial for this poisoning.” he pauses and then continues tauntingly. “Besides, Lugovoi told us you British poisoned Litvinenko. Perhaps you should put yourself under arrest and on trial?”

Miliban, voice clipped and anger apparent…"That’s it! That’s it, motherfucker! I’ve had enough! We’re expelling four of your diplomats…before they can poison anybody. And you can forget about visas or visa applications.”

“Whatever, ass!" Lavrov shoots back hotly. "Send our people home. We won’t need visas ‘cause we won’t be traveling to London until you get a handle on that poison in the tea problem! And two can play this game, Miliband. Russia will match those four expelled diplomats with four of your own…and you can forget about our cooperating on any counterterrorism measures too!”

“You have no shame. No shame! You just remind Mr. Lugovoi that he is subject to international extradition. You just do that!” Secretary Miliband spits out.

The both men slam their phone down…hard…and curse the other by name!

Blink.

Lawd, this is better than a marathon of Footballers' Wives on BBC America!

Pondering visitors...

A bitch is aware that the National Urban League is having their convention here in St. Louis.

C'mon now...I live here!

This bitch is also aware that many a Presidential hopeful will descend upon St. Louis to court the “black vote”.

Blink.

Well, at least the 10,000 potential black votes who will attend the convention (wink).

This bitch plans to hunt up Donna Brazile for a fan-based interview!

Anyhoo, longtime readers know that a bitch volunteers as a voter education teacher in my community. I developed a curriculum with the help of The League of Women Voters and added some spice from the United States Citizenship test. Each quarter I teach the class at the area shelters I support as a volunteer.

The Voter Education class began several years ago in response to a sassified comment tossed at this bitch in response to my inquiry as to whether a certain young shelter resident was registered to vote.

“Why? It don’t matter. Those people don’t mean anything to my life!”

Suffice it to say this bitch just about fell over!

After a quick verbal grilling it was clear that the young woman believed that…gasp...and thus a bitch’s Voter Education class was born.

Politics is local and government is personal as hell whether you know it or not. The young women I volunteer with feel the punch of governmental bullshit first and

Housing, education, whether their chil'ren will be sent to war...roads, jobs, food safety...the list goes on and on.

But politicians and interest groups don’t benefit from Voter Education.

Blink.

They benefit from a courtable group who will “ooh’ and “ahh” when fed well scripted sound bites and get misty of the eye when some candidate takes a 2 hour blue jean clad tour of the ‘hood.

Those who seek power do not want to answer real questions or provide real goals. They sure as shit don’t want to be boxed into a “what the fuck is your policy going to be, asshole” corner by the masses.

Mayhap that’s why political parties and interest groups are willing to pay for voter registrations but are not attracted to voter education.

Blink.

An educated voter is an empowered voter who knows the difference between a Representative and a Senator…who knows the role of the Judiciary and the role of the Executive…who knows how programs like Medicare are funded…and who knows her motherfucking rights.

And that’s a dangerous thing to those who benefit from perpetuating ignorance.

Cough.

Don’t get me wrong, this bitch is looking forward to the National urban League coming to town.

I plan to escort some of my students to the job fair, indulge in a few sessions and lecture-based gatherings, and listen to the candidates court the black vote.

It’ll be lights followed by camera followed by action up on that stage...and Lawd knows a bitch loves a good show.

And a bitch didn't even use steroids!

A bitch checked out my site meter for the first time in forever and a day.

Well shit, a bitch forgot I had one down there at the bottom of the page!

Anyhoo, this blog has reached 500,000 visits.

Oh my!

In honor of this...well, this number that represents y'all...a bitch is going to share what I've been reading in the wonderful world of the internets.

His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman - I'm ready for my close up, Mister Levin. This shit cracked a bitch up! Thank you Ryan for recommending swift viewage!

Undercover Black Man...Attack of the Giant Negroes and Presidential Assassin vs Giant Negro. Just in case you were under the impression that the media used to have their shit together (wink).

Pub Def - Brother Antonio D. French sets the bar high as hell as he covers all things political!

The Angry Black Woman And no, we're not the same person. Lawd, have mercy! All angry black people do not blog the same (wink) - ABW is always a good read, but is that a certain LadyJax of Live Journal fame I see guest posting? Nice!

Check this shit out and spread the visits per day joy!

Toodles...

Nu-CLE-ar...

A while back, Scooter B. (President Bush for the uninitiated) toured a nuclear power plant and tried to pitch nuclear power plants as response to global warming.

A bitch should disclose that my ass is not fond of nuclear power plants. Oh, catch thy knee for it jerketh too quickly! I understand that nuclear power has a lot of cool as hell benefits and that it would reduce our dependence on foreign energy and so forth. My problem is not with the benefits but rather with the “oh shit, now what do we do?” negatives people like Scooter B. brush aside.

The recent earth quake in Japan (a bitch hope my readers…well, ummm…reader in Japan is okay!) and the leakage of nuclearized somethingorother into the ocean and atmosphere…and that curious delay in announcing that shit had leaked and been released into the waters of the world…made a bitch recall Bush’s nuclear push and my concerns with it.

Jesus to Gawd, my nerves don’t need this shit!

Shit!

A bitch was instantly back in 1986 and having a Chernobylesque nightmare about the end of days!

Chernobyl is one of the first disasters I vividly recall watching in real time. I remember the lack of information…the attempt by government to downplay to danger… and the feeling of helplessness.

Ooooh, it was awful…that helpless feeling washing over me in waves of drama whilst we waited for the end to come and hoped that end wouldn’t involve writhing in radioactive inspired pain as we slowly melted face first into a puddle of forgotten waste.

Ugh.

Mmmhmm, that feeling is one of the reasons a bitch isn’t fond of nuclear power.

Then there is the fact that Scooter B. digs it.

C’mon, are we going to take energy conservation advice from a man who thinks humans had dinosaurs as pets and that greenhouse gases are the result of eating too many beans?

It only takes one “oh shit now what do we do?” negative situation to fuck shit up…big time. And those fuck ups don’t clean up easy! Just look at Chernobyl, which now rests in Ukraine and is in need of some serious “when they say it may melt through to the Earth’s core what do they mean exactly?” maintenance. This bitch hopes they can start tackling that maintenance instead of dealing with political poisonings and such.

Shudder.

Anyhoo, this bitch hopes everything is cool in Japan and my ass is sending positive non-nuclear energy (wink) ‘cross the now glowified waters of the world.

Guilty as homemade sin...

Lawd.

A bitch is a wee bit illish and yesterday my ass indulged in a crash-based day of sleep.

Sigh.

I needed that.

Shall we?

Guilty as homemade sin…
This bitch’s people spring from The South and St. Louis can only Midwesternize a bitch so much (wink), so it comes as no surprise that I have a fantabulous Red Velvet Cake recipe and I adore a good fall from righteousness.

Let’s have our cake and schadenfreudal joy too!

Ingredients for A Bitch’s Red Velvet Cake…
1/2 cup shortening
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 1/2 oz red food coloring
1 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon soda
1 tablespoons vinegar

Ingredients for a Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace…
- One man on woman blessed by legal protection sanctified marriage.
- At least one man on woman (dare I assume?) festival of sex outside of the confines of that man on woman sanctified marriage.
- Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler Magazine and his financial challenge to expose politicians who have indulged in festivals of sex outside the confines of their man on woman sanctified by law (blink) marriage.
- Deborah Jeane Palfrey – alleged to have run the alleged prostitution ring that allegedly set Senator Vitter up with his man on woman (did we confirm that?) festival of sex.
- Wendy Vitter, the offended wife, full to bursting with Southern fried maternal rage.
- The mainstream media, desperate for any non-war social values discussion stirring story they can find.

Preparation of A Bitch’s Red Velvet Cake...
Cream shortening - beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time and beat well after each addition. Make a paste of cocoa and food coloring then add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk (yum), beat the tar out of it with each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar then pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 3 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350°.

Preparation for a Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace …
Toss 'born in sin like the rest of us yet self appointed preserver of “traditional” values (mmmhmmm, talk about tradition…Lawd) conservative Republican' into politics.

Add one cup of ambition to one cup of flour (sift thoroughly to remove fidelity)

Cream…

What?

C'mon, who could resist that?

Cream (wink) in lots and lots of soft…so soft…and rich…so rich…umm, butter. Incorporate thoroughly creamed mixture in bowl with a dash of willingness to pick up the 'oh Gawd, we can’t let those gays get married ‘cause the sky will cave in' base attracting wedge issue ball and run with it.

Stir in Larry Flynt’s money…pour into Washington’s scandal adoring press corps…and bake.

Oh, hell yes!

I like to top my Red Velvet Cake with whipped sour cream icing.

Sigh.

Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace is best when served with a side of 'did someone say something about glass houses?' and a healthy portion of 'I told y’all traditionalists are the greatest threat to traditional marriage'.

As for Mrs. Vitter’s maternal rage?

Blink.

It would appear that wreeping what your man on woman sanctified before law husband sows is still traditional as a motherfucker in the world of politics.

Rather than complain about the attention your husband attracted, a bitch recommends taking to your front lawn and kicking off a Constitutional Amendment ballot initiative to ban extramarital fucking behind thy spouses back and without thy spouses permission.

Mind that you thank your husband for providing that platform for you, dear….