No, not this bitch.
Lawd, have mercy!
I’m talking about the newish news that actor Natalie Portman is engaged and pregnant.
I get the fact that fans of Portman are happy that she’s apparently happy…and are thrilled that she’s apparently thrilled.
I find is kind of sweet that people get all warm and fuzzy over news of celebrity romantic bliss.
But…well, there’s a strange as hell tone to the coverage of Natalie Portman’s alleged bliss.
Several news outlets have reported on Portman’s engagement and pregnancy with shock…as if the celebrity press sees themselves as every actor's BFF and they can’t believe that they weren’t the second or third person to know.
Some have even written about how clever Portman has been in her ability to get all the way to engagement with pregnancy without triggering the wedding or baby bump bots.
You know the ones I’m talking about…those supposedly candid pictures of couples holding hands or kissing that are accompanied by a paragraph built around questions like “When will he pop the question?!?” or those solo shots of [insert actor of the moment] sporting a baggie sweater that are accompanied by something lame like “Is that a baby bump I see before me?!?!”
Confession - a bitch doesn’t follow celebrity news on a regular basis. I'm guessing that Natalie Portman hasn’t been a hermit about her personal life...even though some articles have defined her as notoriously private just in case fans are peeved that they didn't appropriately prep them for this shit. It appears that Portman failed to execute a proper Kardashian and vomited her personal bitness all over the place to keep her name out there.
Breaking news – celebrity gossip mags are SHOCKED to find themselves scooped on Portman engagement and pregnancy…by Portman!
In related news...baby bump pictures are expected shortly.