Monday, November 30, 2009

The crash, those party crashers and the Pope's cd drops today...

A bitch hopes all y’all had a fantabulous holiday weekend!

I sure as hell did. Mmmhmm, I ate myself sick and got some much needed sleep too.

Happy, happy, happy and joy times three!

Let’s jump right on in, shall we?

The crash…
A bitch took a vacation from the internets during the holiday break, but C-Money was online and filled me in on all what-what surrounding a certain Tiger Woods and his recent vehicular malfunction.

My first response to the crash heard ‘round the internets was shock.

Tiger Woods crashed an Escalade?

What the hell happened to his Buick?

I was sure Mr. Woods was fixin' to be in a world of shit over driving and then crashing a non-Buick car but then I remembered that Buick kicked Woods to the curb a while back.

Still, nine years spent pitching Buicks and Tiger can’t even manage to involve that brand in his vehicular malfunction scandal based 2ish in the morning public display of as yet to be determined origin?

That’s cold, el Tigre.

That’s real cold.

The party crashers…
When I heard that two fools crashed the recent state dinner at the White House I had several reactions.

#1 – My soul sistah reaction in solidarity with the event people at the White House
Oh, no they didn’t! Fuck these fucked up people for fucking up the Obama Administration’s first state dinner.

And damn them to hell while you’re at it.

The White House event staff worked their asses off of this dinner which, by all accounts was fantabulous and now all anyone can talk about is some Ann Coulter look-a-like (and who in their right mind steals that look…wince) and her unable to be ‘shamed husband.

Shit.

Anyone who has ever worked on a largish event should understand…these party crashers are a special kind of evil and should be reviled as such.

#2 – Ooooh, someone is gonna get fired for this shit.
This kind of security fuck up requires more than one resignation and a high profile firing. But since the fuck up points out weaknesses in White House security…and those holes had best be plugged fast as a motherfucker…and no one got hurt in the revealing of those holes…well, a bitch is strangely grateful this tacky assed couple took their ig’nant show out on the town.

#3 – Did I just pay for that?
Um, wait a minute.

Since a bitch is a tax payer…and these party crashing fools crashed a state dinner…did I just pay for this ig’nant couple to get their eat on and then sell the tale for six figures?

Oh, hell no!

Fuck that shit…if these fools get paid a bitch wants my cut.

Mmmhmm, they need to divide those six figures up amongst the masses…and a bitch is adding a fee for taxing my Afro with the never-ending television loop of this home training fail.

Lawd.

And finally, #4 – ‘Tis a sign of the times…
The economy is in such dire straits that rich winery owning sorta-socialites have to make spectacles of themselves by crashing a state dinner in hopes of getting a television show documenting them…umm, making spectacles of themselves...so they can pay off debt and continue to be rich winery owners.

Pause…consider…continue.

The Great Depression had bank robberies, gangsters and kidnappings with ransom demands…

…we’ve got Balloon Boy and an Ann Coulter look-a-like crashing state dinners with her husband, both of whom are trying to get theirs through reality television shows.

Something tells me this current shit isn't going to inspire great black & white movies.

Wince.

Bonus bitchitude…
The Pontiff’s c.d. drops today.

Yes, I’m serious.

Way!

The Pope is dropping a c.d. of pontifical mutterings and utterings…just in time for Christmas.

Taylor Swift better watch her back….

…’cause the Pontiff is fixin' to kick her ass.

A bitch gets this mental image of the Pope's release party, with him dripping bling and sipping Moet…

What?

He signed with Geffen, for the love of all that’s strange as hell and freaky too!

Gawd, who needs fiction when this is our reality...

7 comments:

Rileysdtr said...

See, this is EXACTLY why I pack our Santa Fe full of gear, dogs, the Dearly Beloved and enough food and booze to cater a small wedding and drive to a chalet in the U.P. for 5 days of skiing. (No blackberry reception! Nirvana!) We ban the news channels and instead watch old movies, bad home design shows and as many Disney DVDs as we can stand.

Miss Trudy said...

Ah, you made my day! Still laughing here, especially about the Pope. I'll be damned!

Maven said...

The Pontiff better not win a Grammy for the spoken word. Imagine the media frenzy Kanye could stir up. Dunno what you thought of Kanye's last media debacle, but I'm gonna "blame it on the Henney." ;)

Curt said...

The Pope's CD reminds me of the monks doing the Gregorian chants -- what a cool session THAT must have been...

"Monk 34, I need you to move closer to the mic... We need to boost Monk 14 a little.

OK, take 53, let's see if we really can pull it off now, guys!"

TonyC said...

Loved this post. Had to steal a line for my FB page. Of course giving all credit to you ;-)

dinthebeast said...

The pope-on-Geffen CD thing reminded me of when the previous pope went on tour back in the '80s. I was working as a cook in Berkeley the night JPII hit the Bay Area, and after his, uh, show was over, we got a table full of customers in Pope Tour tee shirts, and I swear to god one girl had a Pope Tour back stage pass pinned to hers. The wait staff was speculating about how she got it, and that was funny as hell, but maybe not appropriate for a family type blog such as this one.

-Doug in Oakland

holiday in bhutan said...

wow!!wat a post!very nice post.