Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Announcing Bitchitude 101 classes & Home Training installation with maintenance…

Shall we?

A bitch has noticed a…well, a certain increase in inappropriate public displays of anger amongst the masses.

Blink.

Some folks have indulged in verbal malfunctions during joint sessions of Congress involving the crass braying-esque screaming of accusations towards the President of the United States...willfully demonstrating a lack of home training usually found at certain movie theatres this bitch tries to avoid going to because everyone and their mother knows the regulars like to talk back to the screen too damn much. Note - this behavior can also be found at pre-schools 'cause toddlers are just beginning to get their home training on.

Other folks have all but cried out for a correction-based intervention by taking to the stage during an award show and babbling on about how one pop stars video was better than the award winner's video.

Lawd, have mercy.

Now that shit is more intense than a classic home training fail. ‘Tis more along the lines of a public declaration that the individual involved has lost his damn mind and needs professional help (wince)...stat.

This outbreak of home training deficiency got this bitch thinking.

These people could all use a semester of Bitchitude 101.

Blink.

Yep, these people are crying out...loud as a motherfucker...for lessons in the proper ways to manifest anger.

And damn it I’m not the right angry black bitch to show them the path to glory.

Wink.

So, a bitch is now offering one-on-one bitchitude training sessions.

For an unreasonable fee, this bitch will counsel those suffering from Home Training Deficiency Syndrome on how to appropriately share their anger.

Pause…consider…continue.

If the individual completely lacks home training…we're talking about home training levels below 100 here...umm, well a bitch will have to charge an installation fee and then there’s a monthly maintenance fee for that shit too.

But it’s totally worth it…big time!

The whole world will thank them for getting help...trust a bitch on that.

Pause...fluff Afro...continue.

Plus, it’ll help finance a bitch’s dream trip to Sweden to see the St. Louis Blues play ice hockey and then pitch my Absolut Bitchitude idea to the vodka gods.

Blink.

12 comments:

a.eye said...

I have a few people to sign up for your course.

If I push them your way, can I come along to Europe to watch hockey and explore Sweden?

alexandralynch said...

Yeah, but the job carries its own ration of shit with it, and, um, you wouldn't believe how very weird people get.

Miss Trudy said...

I rest assured that the "You lie!" bray was well-planned. Thing is, the new thing with right wing politicos is to show "passion" as in the same kind of "passion" that fuels the "tea party-ers" ... noticed how they are using the word "passion" in the media? It's the new thing and goes with "freedom" etc.

The man feels such patriotic passion he just can't contain himself, he's bursting at the seams with "passion." So this passionate Honest American yells at the president. That's what this is all about, I'm sure. A play on words and showmanship for the (right-wing) masses. (sigh)

Talk about phoney.

Moving on the better things. Re the trip to Sweden. Have you considered a sugar daddy? Sugar mommy? Sugar somebody with a big fat wallet? If you find it, pass the number; I'd like to go to Buenos Aires soon. I'm willing to wipe drool for it! (lol)

D. said...

Hockey...pre-season.

(This is the second mention of hockey today.)

At least the House rebuked that fellow. The award-show guy does not seem to understand what the problem actually was. (Some boob on a radio station I used to listen to back during the late Roman Empire once opined that the winner of I think a Grammy had not deserved the award as much as his favorite, and I gave it some thought and found another radio station.)

Have you ever noticed that the culture seems to devalue thinking before speaking? You'd think only what is blurted out is authentic. It's as though the deep message to everyone is "Don't think."

(If this posts twice, the window came back up; this one can be deleted.)

dinthebeast said...

Well, you are obviously braver than I am... And I salute you for it! I'm imagining it as a sort of a charm school as run by marine drill sergeants. If only I could have enrolled when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I would have far fewer embarassing stories to live down now. I really like your idea about an installation charge, too. How much would a sense of decency be worth? That shit should have been a pre-existing condition, and like I said, you are far braver than I in taking on it's installation, but by the sound of it, far more skilled also...

-Doug in Oakland

lilalia said...

There must be some means for the family members or friends of these individuals to sponsor and enrol their sorry family deviant into your course. Heck, maybe the general public, sick of watching such outbreaks this week view on tennis court, Congress, and tv stages, could pitch in as well. Have you noticed how the apologies given by these folks do not even dip above the "My publicist wrote told me to say this" scale into the "feeling of genuine remorse and shame" category?

Rileysdtr said...

Two words. Shock collars. Will help smooth out the need for remedial learning.

Shark-fu said...

a. eye. - of course you can come along!

Rileysdtr...well, I don't support them for dawgs but I'd never thought of using them in a correction-based situation (wink)!

Mike Spike said...

I can imagine the installation fee being for you installing your foot in their azzes when they don't respond to an Angry Black Bitch's instruction in proper fashion...the maintenance fee would be to keep an Angry Black Bitch from abruptly withdrawing said foot and re-installing it causing much discomfort to the angry bitch in training (angry bitch in training is in all lower caps because they have not received their degree in bitchitude). I think that the yokels that you mentioned got their training at BE-ATCH institute...SO not an accredited school.

tinfoil hattie said...

You are so freaking funny.

And smart.

And awesome.

This blog is a breath of fresh air.

ThatTeowonna! said...

If I were gay, I'd want to marry you!

kp said...

hmmmm this is a great idea; certainly there are many who NEED the training..........i'm concerned they might not recognize the need though so how about sell them on a course teaching others, then they won't know it's really for them ;-)

your writing style tickles my funny bone :-) thanks, i needed the laughs today !