Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Vodka, Pills and Cigs

Last night I launched myself into a complete state of delirium in an effort to battle the Ebola (mild Flu) that currently has taken over my body.
  1. (1) Sudafed Night-time - Mommy needs her sleep.
  2. (2) shots of NyQuil - If the box says 1 then 2 must be better!
  3. (1) Vodka Cranberry - Because it was Tuesday.
  4. (15) Cigarettes - Because?.....well, because.

Amazingly, I'm still ill! I was feeling no pain and tossing Milk Bones at my dogs like it was Christmas and New Years all wrapped up with a pretty bow! Take that Ebola!

It's completely understandable that I questioned whether I was hallucinating when Billy Graham came before me. Well, he was on CBS really. I think. Anyway, there I was with watery eyes watching Billy Graham (I think) ask the world and an arena full of Jesus-loving souls what they want most from God.

I paused. Well, that's easy. Get rid of Ann Coulter. Hello?! End her bitter ass NOW! I don't care how you get rid of the ho but get her gone to wherever - don't you have an express train to Purgatory? God, if you can handle that I'll give up pills and Vodka and....

Okay, let's negotiate shall we. Pills and Vodka or Vodka and Cigs. Maybe Cigs and Pills. A bitch has to have a vice.

Tune back to Billy. He's going on and on about how God wants us to be happy (so end her!!) and God wants what's best for us (end her NOW!!) and if we give ourselves to Him (whatever you want - show me the book and I'll sign it in blood!!) He will answer our prayers tenfold (add the Bush Cabinet).

Waiting. And waiting. Another shot of NyQuil. Sip of Vod/Cran. Drag from cig. Turn to CNN hoping for Breaking News. Wait. No flashing report.

Moment of rationalization. There is a God 'cause Billy Graham said so (I think). But Ann Coulter still "is". What does this mean? Hello?! I'm not meant to give up Pills and Vodka and Cigs!

Can I get an Amen!

3 comments:

cityrag said...

AMEN!!!

your writing is fucking awesome! (i'm 24 hours into a migraine but still laughed my ass off at this post)

-cb
CityRag

cityrag said...

AMEN!!!

your writing is fucking awesome! (i'm 24 hours into a migraine but still laughed my ass off at this post)

-cb
CityRag

Todd said...

I'm with CityRag, You are off to a great start with your blog. I'm diggin it.