Through whatever, come what may…

Shall we?

Confession: the past several months have been…challenging. 

Longtime readers know that my older brother is autistic and that I’m co-guardian along with my sister.  Well, my brother has had a rough couple of months. I can’t get into the details. 

The specifics don’t apply.

Suffice it to say he’s frustrated and letting the whole world know.

And I’m a mess.

Because I can’t cast rainbows across the sky.

I can’t fix it with a snap of my fingers.

Even though I know that this isn’t my fault…that he’s his own person dealing with his own shit and the whole world doesn’t revolve around me…even though I know that shit, I can’t stop questioning each and every decision I’ve made and what role it may or may not have…ugh.

I get that a good day won’t guarantee that all the days that follow are good...just like a bad day doesn’t forecast never-ending drama.

Fuck it.

A good day with my brother is the greatest joy…and the bad days wrench my heart to pieces.

So, I’m a mess. 

I learned long ago to let myself be a mess…to not fight it or try to put on a brave face.

There’s a strange comfort from acknowledging that sometimes shit is just hard as hell with a dash of emotionally taxing, and that’s just the way of it.

And I remember the not too bad days…the so-so, that wasn’t so bad days…and those gloriously fantabulous good days.

Through whatever.

Yeah, we’ll get through this.

Come what may.