Confession: the past several months have been…challenging.
Longtime readers know that my older brother is autistic and that I’m co-guardian along with my sister. Well, my brother has had a rough couple of months. I can’t get into the details.
The specifics don’t apply.
Suffice it to say he’s frustrated and letting the whole world know.
And I’m a mess.
Because I can’t cast rainbows across the sky.
I can’t fix it with a snap of my fingers.
Even though I know that this isn’t my fault…that he’s his own person dealing with his own shit and the whole world doesn’t revolve around me…even though I know that shit, I can’t stop questioning each and every decision I’ve made and what role it may or may not have…ugh.
I get that a good day won’t guarantee that all the days that follow are good...just like a bad day doesn’t forecast never-ending drama.
A good day with my brother is the greatest joy…and the bad days wrench my heart to pieces.
So, I’m a mess.
I learned long ago to let myself be a mess…to not fight it or try to put on a brave face.
There’s a strange comfort from acknowledging that sometimes shit is just hard as hell with a dash of emotionally taxing, and that’s just the way of it.
And I remember the not too bad days…the so-so, that wasn’t so bad days…and those gloriously fantabulous good days.
Yeah, we’ll get through this.
Come what may.