Sunday, December 06, 2009

Pondering transgressions and protections…

A bitch is rested and restored!

Yay!

Pause...sip ice water...continue.

Shall we proceed?

Oh yes, indeed!

This bitch is confused.

And the chorus asks… “Oh no! What has confused the bitch?”

And a bitch replies… “I don’t understand how Tiger Woods was able to get his fuck on outside of his marriage.”

Blink.

What?

Well, shit…don’t those Woodses live in Florida?

Isn’t man-on-woman marriage "protected" there?

How on earth did these multiple transgressions slip through the shield of sanctificity that surrounds all marriages performed in man-on-woman marriage protected states like Florida?

Does that shit wear off like sun block?

Or is there some fine print to the sanctified man-on-woman marriage contract that says that the shield is only good while both parties reside in a state that has protected sanctified marriage by law or constitutional amendment or both?

If that’s the case, someone needs to contact the Attorney General ‘cause that shit isn’t being disclosed clearly! I’m sure Tiger would have never left Florida if he knew crossing the state line would leave him and his vulnerable to temptation and Vegas cocktail waitresses with smart phone technology.

Were the Woodses hoodwinked…bamboozled even…by the false sense of protection granted man-on-woman married folks in Florida through a marriage protection law that ain’t worth the paper ‘twas written on?

Mayhap Elin can sue Florida or Tiger can claim that his transgressions aren’t really his failures but rather are the result of a fucked up law?

***cue crickets***

Right.

Full disclosure – a bitch is not married and my ass ain’t looking to get married. Marriage ain’t my kind of thang. But I believe others should be able to marry if it is their thang and I damn sure don’t think anyone’s right to marry should be held up to public approval or prevented because the public likes to get religious when it wants to (see marriage) and prefers to dine on bullshit the rest of the time (see divorce).

When news broke that a certain El Tigre the Transgressor…um, transgressed while married (translation – he broke with the covenant of man-on-woman legally recognized and thus eligible for benefits and tax deductions plus deemed socially acceptability as a foundation-based societal institution required, much like glue, to keep society together and thus allow the nation to flourish and for nourishing rains to fall like gentle showers upon the earth to continue the holy food chain that is the rhythm of life (cue Disney music) all of which can only be maintained through sanctified and approved by an overwhelming majority of choosy moms one man and one woman “marriage”)…cough…when I heard about that shit this bitch’s first reaction was amusement.

There are public relations fuck ups and then there’s crashing your Caddy into multiple stationary objects then having the windows busted out by a golf club wielded by your wife at around 2 o’clock in the morning only to be followed swiftly by intense gossip alleging that your wife’s exceptional golf swing was fueled by rage inspired by more than one infidelity alleged in the same intense gossip-based media frenzified spin.

Yeah, that's just priceless.

I, like many others, was distracted by the steady trickle of information…and pictures…and text messages…and voicemails…and then that non-denial denial statement chastising the gossip-mongers…and finally the not-exactly Jimmy Swaggart-esque sorta-confession by Woods that he did indeed transgressed.

But then the New York state marriage equality vote came down against equality and…after the first wave of disgusted disappointment passed…well, it made this bitch wonder about marriage and protection.

So, I got my Google on and confirmed that The Family Woods lives in Florida…and Florida is a state where man-on-woman sanctified until one or both parties get tired of that shit and filed for divorce “marriage” is legally protected from the threat of other people’s same-sex unions.

Pause...allow to marinate...continue.

Apparently that protection does not extend to Vegas trysts or the occasional anonymous shag while on a bitness trip.

Cough.

That’s why this bitch is confused.

Many a pundit has questioned whether the Woods marriage will survive his transgressions.

But few pundits are questioning why there aren’t protections to protect the Woods marriage from the very transgressions they aren’t sure it can survive…like Vegas trysts, multi-year affairs and the occasional shag while on a bitness trip.

These same pundits have failed and continue to fail to question the legitimacy of denying same-sex couples marriage rights on the basis of protecting man-on-woman marriage…even though there’s no evidence that same-sex marriage threatens man-on-woman marriage unless one or both parties involved in a man-on-woman marriage figure out that they really should be involved in a same-sex marriage.

At the very least a bitch would expect a few Catholic or Mormon bishops to take this opportunity to blast infidelity and denounce the media for even mentioning the possibility of divorce and then call for legislation to address the freakish popularity of infidelity and the tendency for infidelity…and trysts in Vegas, multi-year affairs and the occasional anonymous shag while on a bitness trip…to lead to divorce.

Where the fuck is Rick Warren's take on this story?

Doesn’t Mr. Warren have anything to add…some statement to offer attempting to use the Great Golfer Transgression of 2009 as evidence for why he and his brunch buddies think gays are at the root of all evil and sanctioning state murder for gays is a good thing that would probably have kept Tiger Woods from getting his heterosexual as a hell transgression on and on and on and on again?

But all I’ve heard thus far are those crickets and a lot of people speculating about the future of a marriage that the state of Florida protected against the one thing it wasn’t threatened by.

12 comments:

Fresh Hell, Texas said...

If there was any justice in the world, this would run as an op-ed piece in the New York Times.

Thank you!

catnmus said...

These are all very good questions, and you are the only one asking them. You are on fire!

NativeNYker said...

Mr. Fresh Hell, Texas is dropping some gospel! Amen, sister. Bitch broke it down ivy league style.

xo
Rant, Thoughts & Merde
www.RantsThoughtsMerde.wordpress.com

Calvin said...

Bitch, I've a long time reader of your blog (you go, girl!) and this is my first time commenting. Not that this matters because I like brother Rob (isn't he cute!) from over here in Columbia, SC, but are you gay(Lesbian). I've never really read anything on your blog that says one way or another. Maybe you have spoke about it and I missed it somewhere, but just curious. Continue on with your bad self (I know, so 70's, but I'm 48 and I like the 70's). POWER TO THE PEOPLE!

Anonymous said...

This has got to be one of your best entries EVER! And that is saying a lot cause you are good! Thank you for saying so well!
Kamrin
Mom of 2 in the Bible belt (AR)

Rachel said...

Gawd, I love you!

It's time for a donation to St. Louis's Habitat in your honor. Happy Holidays, Shark-Fu.

Southland Diva said...

You. Totally. Rock!

Peace

Dusty said...

Does that shit wear off like sun block? Woman, I almost choked to death on that one.

Bless you Shark Fu..bless you!

blckbtch said...

You pose some mighty fine questions there, Ms. Bitch. I need to thank you for filling me in on the NY vote. After hearing some of those speeches, my hope was restored that it might have passed. It actually scares me that people make these ridiculous, silly and false judgements based on no empirical or otherwise FACTS. Scary times...

Shark-fu said...

Calvin - welcome to the comment section! I do hope you return...y'all lurkers need to come out of the closet (wink).

An yes, a bitch is family.

And Power the to People never goes out of style!

Anonymous said...

Let's make a list of those really threatening the sanctity of marriage: Dead or Alive:
Tiger Woods
Scott Peterson
Gary Hart
Donald Trump
Kobe Bryant
John F Kennedy
Any man who cheats
Any man who abuses his wife or children
Any woman who cheats
The list could go on and on of heterosexuals behaving badly. Add to it if you can think of more folks. We should then send this list to those basing their argument on the sanctity of marriage.

It is the responsibility of those who are married to handle their business. It is clear they are not. The false argument that gay marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage is ridiculous. There is no sanctity, was there ever?

Assrot said...

Maybe it's time for El Tigre to "Take a walk on the wild side" as Lou Reed so eloquently put it.

;-)

Joe