Monday, May 15, 2006

Preparitude...

This bitch hopes that everyone had a great weekend.

My ass spent the weekend doing all the shit that doesn’t get done during the week. But, on a positive note, a bitch was honored to meet my Play Husband’s darling mother! She is an absolute joy, which explains why her son is such a great friend/faux spouse/person.

We indulged in some serious soul food at Sweetie Pies Friday evening and then spicy yummtastic Thai fantabulousness at SEN Saturday night.

Sigh.

My Play Mother in Law is awesome. Being able to say that is yet another reason to 'pretend marry' a gay white man who knows what to do with collard greens and shares an adoration for soul music (wink).

Love you like hot sauce at a picnic, honey!

Moving forward…

You better think! (think)…
Think about what you're tryin' to do to me
Yeah, Think (think-think)
Let your mind go let yourself be free!

While shaking my groove thing to the masterful soulfulness of a certain Aretha Franklin, this bitch is in the midst of preparing my Presidential address List of Needed Items.

My ass hasn't decided whether to do a scorecard this time...since a bitch is still recovering from the last Scooter B. Presidential Address/Drinking Game.

Longtime readers know that a bitch almost always provides a recap of Scooter B.’s addresses to the nation. This bitch knows how difficult it can be to suffer through these speeches and my ass is there for you…with a delay, of course…because bitch-based analysis takes time.

ABB’s Preliminary List of Needed Things in Preparation for Scooter B’s Address to the nation…

Beverages
Vodka…tonight we are going to give a nod to Russia. Sorry AbsolutBilly, but a bitch believes in global vodka based diplomacy (wink).

Following cubes of ice and then followed by at least two dashes of...

Cran…hmmm, a bitch is leaning towards a nice tart grape/cran blend.

Munchables
Queso…This bitch plans to whip up some spicy queso in honor of Kinky Friedman’s run for Governor of Texas.

A bitch doesn’t endorse and my ass certainly isn't going to endorse in a state this bitch no longer lives in, but it’s a joy to see someone run for office that says shit like Why the Hell Not and May the God of Your Choice Bless You. And just think about the debates to come! The smart promoter would sell tickets.

Chips…this bitch likes those minified corn chips that you can pop in your mouth quickly between hurling verbal insults at the television and slurping vodka crans.

Cookies for C-Money…because C-Money likes cookies.

Meds…
A bitch is off the Sudafed. Yeah, it’s hard to believe! Shit, if only kicking cigs was that simple. Sigh. Anyhoo, the only needed meds for tonight are pills…of the Excedrin variety…because Scooter B makes my head hurt.

12 comments:

Pandora said...

ABB, did you get an opportunity to try the neti pot? I don't imagine I'd be able to tolerate that SOB without something stronger than vodka and cran in me. I'm glad you'll be recapping because A) then I don't have to watch! B) Because your recap will be funnier and way more to the point than anyone elses and C) then I don't have to watch!!! Seriously, my blood pressure can't handle listening to anything that comes out of his mouth. Hell, I don't even like saying his name.

kusala said...

I have to hand it to a bitch for being able to sit through an entire Scooter B. speech. I can't even handle a 5-second sound byte of his ass on NPR without switching off in disgust. I know we need to be informed and all, but actually listening to that dumb-ass's voice is where I draw the line. Here's to all the vodka-cran fortitude you can muster for this evening!! Can't wait to read your take on it tomorrow!

Shark-fu said...

Yes, a bitch has been using the Neti Pot and it is the main reason why my ass is no long using Sudafed.

Neti Potting is a weird feeling, but the shit works!

Shavita said...

I don't bother to watch him...ever. He insights anger in me, so I'll just stop by for full coverage tomorrow.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Wow! Glad you're doing that! It's all natural (if not unnatural feeling, what with water in your nose). It's all good. Rather soothing! I should use mine more often.

PS: There is a position, called DOWN FACING DOG, which if you do that for a few moments can help the residual water come out. Neti potting a nice hot steamy shower is the best, but takes some getting used to. Soon enough you'll be a pro!

CrankyProf said...

I'm not even going to WATCH Scoot's address. My poor BP can't take it.

I'm sure a Bitch will give the high points tomorrow, once she has recovered!

schlecht said...

What station will you watch Bush's speech on, just out of curiosity...
Thanks, too, for being a trooper and watching it so alot of your readers don't have to sit through it.

CabinDweller said...

If I didn't live ~2900 miles from you, I'd drop you a bottle as a show of support for your efforts to watch Dubya's address. To watch Dubya, let alone listen to one of his speeches, must require a large supply of vodka at hand.

Homer said...

I was wondering why my Sudafed stock tanked! You are my hero for watching that speech, the sound of The Decider's voice prompts me to scream the F word over and over and over.

Kinky is Awesome said...

I'm glad you are supporting Kinky, but why are you so down on the President?

Kinky and Bush are pretty much on the same page for a lot of important issues. Kinky spoke with Ruminator Magazine about his thoughts on Bush's foreign policy:

Ruminator: So does this idea of the honorable cowboy have anything to do with why you threw your support behind President Bush in this last election? You did, didn’t you?

Kinky: Yes. I did in this last election, but I didn’t vote for him the first time....I was not for Bush that time. Since then, though, we’ve become friends. And that’s what’s changed things.

Ruminator: So it’s your friendship with him that’s changed your mind about having him as president more than his specific political positions?

Kinky: Well, actually, I agree with most of his political positions overseas, his foreign policy....I basically think he played a poor hand well after September 11. What he’s been doing in the Near East and in the Middle East, he’s handling that well, I think.

Also, Kinky is NOT FOOLED by all the "politically correct" nonsense. With all the politicians in Texas acting like officers in the political correctness police, Kinky promisses to "de-wussify Texas."

According to a recent story in the Austin American Statesman, Kinky is smart enough to realize "the more people I offend, the more people will like me."

Here are some other gems from that story:

"That's the problem with politicians; they don't want to offend anybody. In so doing, though, they offend all of us." Friedman later questioned any conflict between cracking wise and delivering a message voters weigh seriously. "I'm not a politician," he said. "I'm a compassionate redneck; relate to me different than these guys or you won't get accurate results."

...

In a November CNBC interview, for instance, he was pressed on a line in his 1987 novel, "A Case of Lone Star," comparing New York to "a Negro talking to himself." Friedman said he saw nothing wrong and even said of sexual predators: "Throw them in prison and throw away the key and make them listen to a Negro talking to himself." Video excerpts appeared online on the Burnt Orange Report, a pro-Democrat blog.


Check out the video here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=C9mXTxEQI3A

air_force1 said...

So just about everyone here is going to make a judgement about his speech without ever hearing or seeing it; but by by listening to what someone else tells you to say and think. While I may not agree with ABB, at least she will have base for her opinion. I am REALLY interested in seeing what you all will have to say now about his speech.

Shark-fu said...

Kinky is Awesome...

Um, wow...talk about detail!

Actually, a bitch isn't supporting Kinky so much as the shake up his run provides. As for Kinky and Scoter B...well, a bitch is glad my ass never actually got time to make the queso! The President, in a word, sucks and this bitch can only ask you why you are not 'down on him' too?

Fuck it...maybe you're one of the 10 percent of Americans who is better off today than you were 4 or even 8 years ago. A bitch can't know your life.

Anyhoo, Kinky and this bitch do not line up on tons of stuff but we do line up on one of the most important things...politics is for the masses, by the masses and of the masses.