Friday, May 26, 2006

Clap your hands just a little bit louder!

My 24 hours of depressed wallowfication are over.

Long live bitchitude!

Y’all know what?

It’s time for some bitchfirmations.

Note to newish readers - bitchfirmations are bitch-based daily affirmations that replenish my...well, bitchitude.

Jumping in with some old school Little Stevie Wonder jammin in my head...

ABB's Bitchfirmations...

When faced with crisis…
You are the shit and you know you are the shit. Pull yourself together! For every crisis there is a solution. Work the problem, bitch…work it!

And then, once the dust has settled, you will take the time to examine this shit so that the fuckeduptitude does not happen again.

When faced with confrontation…
Bitch, you know damned well that (insert offending asshole) is the one who should be worried. Are you in the right? Okay. Do you have your facts straight? All right then!

Shut the fuck up, put some lipstick on and get down to bitness!

Everyday when this bitch is about to walk out the door…
Oh shit!

Look at you!

Mmmmhmmm…you know you are a too bad for words (wink).

***Fluff afro***

Behold the woman you have become.

***apply fantabulous signature MAC lipstick shade (Underworld Satin)***

Go forth and discover the woman you have yet to be…you sexy assed smart talkin’ Hershey chocolate diva bitch!

***blow kiss at reflection***

And proceed to keep it real.

14 comments:

CrankyProf said...

I've been using last summer's "Bitch in a Bubble" as my guide lately.

That's right -- my bitchitude is my shield. I will roll up, over and across the ass that gets in my way.

kusala said...

Your riff on your fantabulous MAC lipstick color seems like a perfect opening to reveal this: Now, don't get scared, cuz I am not obsessive or a stalker-type personality or anything -- and I am NOT in control of my subconscious REM-sleep brain, but...

Last week I had a dream that I saw ABB on the cover of a slick magazine called VOGUER (don't ask me), and that a bitch's real name was Shirley. Of course, I don't know what a bitch really looks like, nor what her real name is, but the cover was kickass. Weird? Yes! I am worried about my own brain -- maybe I need to take a break from habitual blogreading.

But maybe you can consider this a premonition for your future fantabulous success on the publishing presses!

Shark-fu said...

Shirley? Nope...not a bitch's name.

However, that would make a great club faux name...

As long as my afro looked fantabulous in your dream-based exploration its all good.

Dixie said...

Oh yeah baby...you're back and taking charge!

CP said...

Mmm. Mmm. MMMmmmm.

Go on with your bad self, Shark Fu!

Word!

CP.

Jeem said...

Hi - newly-hooked reader here... After reading that last bitchfirmation, I'm mostly curious about which example of old-school Stevie Wonder was playing in ABB's head during these. "Jesus Children of America"? "Black Man"? The second, more defiant half of "Ordinary Pain"?

Christopher said...

A bitch is my shepardess, and I shall not want. I'm doing a home improvement project that I keep fucking up, and I just quit to have a cocktail instead. You've fired me up to go finish that shit! Damn, a bitch makes me almost wish I was straight...love to you, ABB!

Shark-fu said...

Jeem...a bitch was mentally jammin to Stevie Wonder's Fingertips Part 2, but any old school Stevie Wonder will do (wink).

Christopher...LOL! Hugs and adoration to you. Go on with your bad home improvement project completing self!

Amy said...

Hi Angry Black Bitch...I'm a newish reader (fan) delurking because I just had to say: oh my, I do love me some bitchitude!

Also, I have a fantabulous signature lipstick as well. Except it's Cover Girl. And it's marketed as a lipslick. But it is called Diva something something.

In fact...I've had kind of a rough morning so I'm going to go apply some Diva something something right now, make sure all my facts are straight (I bet they are), and behold the woman I am.

I so dig the bitchfirmations...and this blog. :-)

Jeff said...

Does Oprah still do those "Remember Your Spirit" segments? I think someone should tell her she'd be better off with a segment called "Remember Your Bitch"....

Danielle said...

Well, I'm not a Hershey Chocolate Diva Bitch, but I'll take your advice anyway, in the months to come. I will need it.
thanks for a motivating post...

Danielle said...

I can't imagine Oprah doing "Remember your bitch". LOL. I really miss her angel awards/use your life awards, though. When she stopped doing them, Mondays became depressing again.

Anonymous said...

First, thank you for your words and attitude. Second, may I improve upon one of your bitchfirmations? "You are the shit and you know you are the shit. Pull yourself together! For every crisis there is a solution. Work the solution, bitch…work it!"

Also, you inspired me to sign up for a Big Sister newsletter in my local area. It is a little step, but in the right direction.

Roberta Swipe said...

ABB,

I read this - (Underworld Satin)

As "Underworld stain".....

Dyslexia can be an awful affliction, but sometimes it brings up pure gold....well, sort of murky brown in this case bu "you know whamsain'"!

(smarms down geeky, brycreemed, white colege boy side parting...)

Love on ya,

Bob