Okay, so a bitch just figured out that my ass was mentioned on Salon.com. Shit, a bitch didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and my ass is a wee bit slow today.
Cool…welcome Salon.com people!
Hammer/Che…a bitch wasn’t addressing you in particular. Relax, honey. Pax!
If a bitch seems extra angry today it is due to some additional drama regarding my beloved brother Bill.
Loyal readers know that a bitch’s brother Bill is autistic and in residential care. This bitch has posted long and hard about the frustrations centering on Medicaid, residential politics and guardianship. Well…
A bitch was ill Saturday…a migraine, which has thankfully entered its final phase. Anyhoo, this bitch was unable to participate in my weekly visit with Bill. Sunday, a bitch woke up weak and queasy. Slightly better, but not 100%. Late morning, a bitch’s sister received a phone call from my brother’s residence.
"Bill had an incident."
Wait…let me back up.
"Call me as soon as you get this message!"
Which, by the way, is the last motherfucking thing anyone should say to two stressed out sisters in charge of their older brother’s oversight. Bill is basically non-verbal, so we tend to freak when some dumbass leaves a “call as soon as you can” message.
So, a bitch’s sister calls and is informed that Bill got into a fight with his roommate. Now, Bill has only whooped one person’s ass…my cousin, who had stepped to my sister, was convinced to never do that shit again by an irate Bill way back in the day. Bill is not a fighter and typically vents his frustrations on himself.
We were informed that Bill had fallen and cut his eye.
Oh shit. Oh Gawd. No, no, no, no, no...!
Thankfully, we quickly got another call. Bill’s was out with a friend for a visit and they stopped by. We took pictures of the eye and tried to calm his friend down, who had walked in on the drama and was freaked out that everything had been so chaotic. Bill feasted on cookies and coffee while we tried to figure out what the fuck went down.
Suffice it to say, the migraine came back with a vengeance.
Cell phones were blown up, messages were left and a bitch shot off two e-mails for good measure.
Gawd, will this ever end? Will a bitch ever wake up and know that there is nothing to worry about or obsess over? All my ass needs is one month…shit, one week free of drama.
So, today a bitch woke up at 5:30am…stressed and nauseous. A bitch’s sister had called for a conference call. She’s terribly busy and preparing to travel this week. Now, a bitch has the added concern of a bitch’s sister’s stress and my stress coupled with our brother’s prize fighting left eye!
Shit!
Anyhoo…please send well wishes and positivitude to a bitch. We have a meeting at 4pm…
Lawd, give me strength…
Monday, December 05, 2005
Intent, Perception and Sensitivity...
A bitch had a wild and crazy weekend! My ass went to a gala at The Fabulous Fox Friday night with his Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman, followed by an evening of Wicked…in the front row! Fantabulous! A certain notfornothing and Gatsby’s Ghost were in attendance. Twice in one week for you both, oh my...
Damn…that’s a lot of socializing in one weekend. Double damn…this town is too small for it’s own good!
2 cups coffee followed by Splenda, Excedrin Migraine, Sudafed, Claritin and cigs…
Lets just jump right in, shall we?
A bitch was amazed to see so many comments to my post on King Kong. Clearly, folks have strong opinions about that movie…which is cool, because this bitch FUCKING HATES THAT STORY TO HELL AND BACK! Which is, a bitch has been told, a strong opinion.
In reading the comments and some other comments posted to fellow bloggers who link to a bitch’s Kong post the issues of intent, perception and sensitivity jumped out at a bitch.
Intent…
The notion that filmmakers were ignorant of issues of race and class in the 1930’s is full of shit. Birth of a Nation, which was released in 1915, brought the issue of race in America into film with a fucking explosion. The film, which is widely held as the most racist film ever made, resulted in a boom in KKK recruitment. It also resulted in an organized campaign by the NAACP to ban the film, which didn’t work. Following the release of Birth of a Nation, race riots broke out in the North. Southern communities, already moving into Jim Crow mode, lashed out at blacks that were portrayed in Birth of a Nation as lazy, highly sexualized, drunk, drug addicted and generally dangerous. This is a film seen by thousands and discussed by millions...in 1917. By the time King Kong came out in the 1930’s, America was well aware of the black man…why the black man should be feared…that the black man coveted white women…and why society needed to enact controls and laws to protect the innocent.
Argue the merits of King Kong if you will…but do not try to tell this bitch that America was ignorant to the power of film and imagery to shape public perceptions about race, class and gender. For class look to Chaplin, who’s The Immigrant came out in 1917 and brilliantly confronted America with the reality of immigrant life versus our perception…there’s that word again…our perception of our nation as the land of the free. Chaplin’s Tramp encounters a harsh and bigoted America…and thousands of Americans encountered The Immigrant…in 1917.
Face it…film makers were aware of and utilized popular stereotypes in films from the jump. The beautiful blond, the conquering hero…and the sexualized wild black primate.
Perception…
The American Red Cross is on a minority recruitment blitz to counter complaints that their workers were bigoted and insulting during the Katrina Disaster. One complaint stated that Red Cross volunteers treated evacuees like cattle…coldly herding them and dismissing their concerns in favor of red tape. The Red Cross responded by saying that these complaints were an issue of perception and not racism.
The same claim came from the federal government, local officials and FEMA...'we are not racists, we just suck'. Most Americans were comforted to know that FEMA would suck just as bad for whites as it sucks for blacks...it has, according to my friends in Florida, sucked badly for many whites in the past.
And a bitch is sure folks want to believe that complaints about how minorities were treated post Katrina were an issue of perception.
Did the responses go something like this?
“You read me wrong. That’s not what I meant! I can’t help it if that’s how you interpreted my actions! I'm just an asshole, not a racist.”
Blah, blah and motherfucking blah.
All minority groups are confronted with this shit. There is a fine line between perception and reality...that six sense the oppressed have that alerts us to a bigot...that is hard to explain to someone who has never expereinced it.
A friend of mine took his partner to a company picnic. His boss asked who his partner was and he answered…"My partner.” At the blank stare he explained…"My boyfriend.” To which his boss looked shocked, then turned red, then quickly changed the subject to baseball. That same boss then spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding my friend and his man. The following Monday an e-mail was sent out from this boss to everyone who attended saying how glad he was to meet everyone and their significant other…expect my friend’s partner…who he left off the e-mail completely, not even bothering to mention that my friend had shown up with anyone at all.
“You read me wrong. That’s not what I meant! I can’t help it if that’s how you interpret my actions.”
"I'm just an asshole, not a racist!"
We all have prejudices and bigotries…a bitch included. My ass has put a lot of work into not assuming that certain people from certain areas are all complete assholes. It’s an ongoing effort. So, we all behave in ways that tell the story of our prejudice and/or bigotry…even if we don’t 'mean to'. This is not a matter of perception, but reality. Not wanting it to be reality doesn't mean a damned thing.
King Kong is an insulting piece of shit story that plays upon our stereotypes about women, minorities and black men.
Reality.
And a bitch wonders why that’s so painful for some. Does that make Peter Jackson a racist? Not on its own. It does make him an out of touch asshole who tends to latch onto images of dark/brown/black as evil and light/white/glowing white as good, but that just makes him typical. And his King Kong will remain an insulting piece of shit story that plays on our stereotypes of woman, minorities and black men.
Sensitivity…
A bitch, being a black bitch, has been accused of being overly sensitive my entire life. Most black women have had this experience…when trying to explain their frustration at being followed through a store, having someone grab their handbag when they enter an elevator or being ignored at the Presriptives counter at a department store for 30 fucking minutes while other customers come and go only to be confronted with shocked dismissal when they finally get waited on by some sharply dressed individual who doesn’t appreciate being confronted directly over their passive aggressive bullshit.
Whew. Y'all feel me?
Typically, when we relate these tales, we are told that we were “reading too much into the incident” are “too sensitive” and are “blowing said incident out of proportion”. Which are easy things to say when you haven’t been followed around a store by security, had someone grab their cheap assed Kate Spade knock off as if you would try to snatch it from them or been ignored while trying to get some fucking face powder during your lunch break. It must be nice…even blessed…to be able to chock such behavior up to poor service. Yeah…that must be really nice.
Anyone who has read a bitch’s blog for a while will notice that this bitch does not post daily about incidents of bigotry or racial bullshit. Sometimes, but not daily. Do not…do not ever…assume that a bitch lives in a world where that shit doesn’t happen to me. My ass is 32 years old and a bitch would be a rich bitch indeed if my ass had a dollar for every time someone has discriminated against me due to race, class or gender. Understand…a bitch doesn’t suffer bullshit, but my ass has to live this life black. So, no, a bitch doesn’t mention every fucking incident or put down, every moment when some middle classed heifer from West County reminds me that black equals felon or says something ignorant about my hair. In reality, a bitch is sensitive…this bitch resents the fucking hell out of being treated with anything other that full worshipful respect. Because the day a bitch becomes numb…the day this bitch is no longer impacted by acts of quiet racism…is a day when this bitch has given up. And that just isn't going to happen.
Regarding King Kong, a bitch is not being overly sensitive. This bitch is being accurate. As a black woman, this bitch is confronted with images of myself that are insulting, degrading, inaccurate and full of shit. A bitch is confronted with the absence of myself on television or in movies. A bitch is confronted with humor at my expense, exaggerations of the black female experience, sexualized imagery in music videos and degradation in music.
Empowerment? Pretty much missing in action.
Pride? Right here as always, baby.
Because this bitch has learned to find pride elsewhere. Perhaps Mr. Jackson should look elsewhere for his next plot, too...
Damn…that’s a lot of socializing in one weekend. Double damn…this town is too small for it’s own good!
2 cups coffee followed by Splenda, Excedrin Migraine, Sudafed, Claritin and cigs…
Lets just jump right in, shall we?
A bitch was amazed to see so many comments to my post on King Kong. Clearly, folks have strong opinions about that movie…which is cool, because this bitch FUCKING HATES THAT STORY TO HELL AND BACK! Which is, a bitch has been told, a strong opinion.
In reading the comments and some other comments posted to fellow bloggers who link to a bitch’s Kong post the issues of intent, perception and sensitivity jumped out at a bitch.
Intent…
The notion that filmmakers were ignorant of issues of race and class in the 1930’s is full of shit. Birth of a Nation, which was released in 1915, brought the issue of race in America into film with a fucking explosion. The film, which is widely held as the most racist film ever made, resulted in a boom in KKK recruitment. It also resulted in an organized campaign by the NAACP to ban the film, which didn’t work. Following the release of Birth of a Nation, race riots broke out in the North. Southern communities, already moving into Jim Crow mode, lashed out at blacks that were portrayed in Birth of a Nation as lazy, highly sexualized, drunk, drug addicted and generally dangerous. This is a film seen by thousands and discussed by millions...in 1917. By the time King Kong came out in the 1930’s, America was well aware of the black man…why the black man should be feared…that the black man coveted white women…and why society needed to enact controls and laws to protect the innocent.
Argue the merits of King Kong if you will…but do not try to tell this bitch that America was ignorant to the power of film and imagery to shape public perceptions about race, class and gender. For class look to Chaplin, who’s The Immigrant came out in 1917 and brilliantly confronted America with the reality of immigrant life versus our perception…there’s that word again…our perception of our nation as the land of the free. Chaplin’s Tramp encounters a harsh and bigoted America…and thousands of Americans encountered The Immigrant…in 1917.
Face it…film makers were aware of and utilized popular stereotypes in films from the jump. The beautiful blond, the conquering hero…and the sexualized wild black primate.
Perception…
The American Red Cross is on a minority recruitment blitz to counter complaints that their workers were bigoted and insulting during the Katrina Disaster. One complaint stated that Red Cross volunteers treated evacuees like cattle…coldly herding them and dismissing their concerns in favor of red tape. The Red Cross responded by saying that these complaints were an issue of perception and not racism.
The same claim came from the federal government, local officials and FEMA...'we are not racists, we just suck'. Most Americans were comforted to know that FEMA would suck just as bad for whites as it sucks for blacks...it has, according to my friends in Florida, sucked badly for many whites in the past.
And a bitch is sure folks want to believe that complaints about how minorities were treated post Katrina were an issue of perception.
Did the responses go something like this?
“You read me wrong. That’s not what I meant! I can’t help it if that’s how you interpreted my actions! I'm just an asshole, not a racist.”
Blah, blah and motherfucking blah.
All minority groups are confronted with this shit. There is a fine line between perception and reality...that six sense the oppressed have that alerts us to a bigot...that is hard to explain to someone who has never expereinced it.
A friend of mine took his partner to a company picnic. His boss asked who his partner was and he answered…"My partner.” At the blank stare he explained…"My boyfriend.” To which his boss looked shocked, then turned red, then quickly changed the subject to baseball. That same boss then spent the rest of the afternoon avoiding my friend and his man. The following Monday an e-mail was sent out from this boss to everyone who attended saying how glad he was to meet everyone and their significant other…expect my friend’s partner…who he left off the e-mail completely, not even bothering to mention that my friend had shown up with anyone at all.
“You read me wrong. That’s not what I meant! I can’t help it if that’s how you interpret my actions.”
"I'm just an asshole, not a racist!"
We all have prejudices and bigotries…a bitch included. My ass has put a lot of work into not assuming that certain people from certain areas are all complete assholes. It’s an ongoing effort. So, we all behave in ways that tell the story of our prejudice and/or bigotry…even if we don’t 'mean to'. This is not a matter of perception, but reality. Not wanting it to be reality doesn't mean a damned thing.
King Kong is an insulting piece of shit story that plays upon our stereotypes about women, minorities and black men.
Reality.
And a bitch wonders why that’s so painful for some. Does that make Peter Jackson a racist? Not on its own. It does make him an out of touch asshole who tends to latch onto images of dark/brown/black as evil and light/white/glowing white as good, but that just makes him typical. And his King Kong will remain an insulting piece of shit story that plays on our stereotypes of woman, minorities and black men.
Sensitivity…
A bitch, being a black bitch, has been accused of being overly sensitive my entire life. Most black women have had this experience…when trying to explain their frustration at being followed through a store, having someone grab their handbag when they enter an elevator or being ignored at the Presriptives counter at a department store for 30 fucking minutes while other customers come and go only to be confronted with shocked dismissal when they finally get waited on by some sharply dressed individual who doesn’t appreciate being confronted directly over their passive aggressive bullshit.
Whew. Y'all feel me?
Typically, when we relate these tales, we are told that we were “reading too much into the incident” are “too sensitive” and are “blowing said incident out of proportion”. Which are easy things to say when you haven’t been followed around a store by security, had someone grab their cheap assed Kate Spade knock off as if you would try to snatch it from them or been ignored while trying to get some fucking face powder during your lunch break. It must be nice…even blessed…to be able to chock such behavior up to poor service. Yeah…that must be really nice.
Anyone who has read a bitch’s blog for a while will notice that this bitch does not post daily about incidents of bigotry or racial bullshit. Sometimes, but not daily. Do not…do not ever…assume that a bitch lives in a world where that shit doesn’t happen to me. My ass is 32 years old and a bitch would be a rich bitch indeed if my ass had a dollar for every time someone has discriminated against me due to race, class or gender. Understand…a bitch doesn’t suffer bullshit, but my ass has to live this life black. So, no, a bitch doesn’t mention every fucking incident or put down, every moment when some middle classed heifer from West County reminds me that black equals felon or says something ignorant about my hair. In reality, a bitch is sensitive…this bitch resents the fucking hell out of being treated with anything other that full worshipful respect. Because the day a bitch becomes numb…the day this bitch is no longer impacted by acts of quiet racism…is a day when this bitch has given up. And that just isn't going to happen.
Regarding King Kong, a bitch is not being overly sensitive. This bitch is being accurate. As a black woman, this bitch is confronted with images of myself that are insulting, degrading, inaccurate and full of shit. A bitch is confronted with the absence of myself on television or in movies. A bitch is confronted with humor at my expense, exaggerations of the black female experience, sexualized imagery in music videos and degradation in music.
Empowerment? Pretty much missing in action.
Pride? Right here as always, baby.
Because this bitch has learned to find pride elsewhere. Perhaps Mr. Jackson should look elsewhere for his next plot, too...
Friday, December 02, 2005
King Kong...
A bitch is ready for the weekend! This bitch woke up today in frenzy. My ass has been invited to attend a ritzy event and, of course, waiting until the very last minute to decide what to wear!
Shit!
Somewhere between drama and meltdown a bitch remembered why my ass is usually anti-social.
2 cups coffee with Splenda and organic milk, followed by 1 Claritin, 2 pseudo Sudafed and cigs…
As a bitch jumped through the morning television in a desperate attempt to avoid multiple viewings of the Oprah/Letterman reconciliation (give a bitch a break, people) something caught my eye.
Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings fame has remade King Kong.
Immediately, a bitch got pissed.
Why ABB Hates the King Kong story…
A bitch has no hatred for Peter Jackson or his team of amazing folks. What this bitch hates…fucking cannot stand and thinks should be relegated to the same dark, murky hole in Hades that hopefully holds the entire body of black-face entertainment is the story.
King Kong, which was made famous as a 1930’s film, is the story of a white, very white...extremely white and Aryan the way Ann Coulter wishes she was Aryan...woman who some how ends up on a tropical, very tropical, WILD and untamed island populated by…NATIVES! Yep, natives who become entranced with this Aryan representation of civilized female beauty even though they have never set eyes on a white woman. Depending on the version, they either have always worshiped white women or simply begin to worship them once they set eyes on the blond bombshell that plops down on their island.
Now, they have a secret. A big fucking secret! There is a giant highly sexualized primate lurking on the island! Oh no! Jesus, why would a loving Gawd ever create such a beast? In the words of Wolf Blitzer…he’s so black!
In order to pacify said giant black primate, the natives offer up sacrificial women. The giant primate then takes the women and leaves the natives alone for a while. ‘Cause…well, you know…he's getting his freak on. And everyone knows that giant sexualized primates are soothed and calmed by the company of a terrified nubile woman.
Even though the regular offering of native women has pacified the giant primate, the natives know that this stunning white woman will put his ass over the top. Shit, they started coveting her right from the start! No way is their giant highly sexualized primate going to turn down a tryst with an unwilling blond beauty.
So, they capture the girl, tie her ass to a stake and offer her.
The giant primate, who represents society’s notion that black men are obsessed with white women and are driven into uncontrollable frenzies by them, comes upon the blond and…well…becomes obsessed with her and is driven into an uncontrollable frenzy.
It gets better!
The blond, at first disgusted and terrified by the giant black primate, begins to fall under its spell. This is vital, because EVERYONE knows that the black man…oh, shit…no that would be the 'giant black primate' has skills and, given enough time, can seduce pure untouched blonds with his sexual prowess!
Lets see...ummm...oh yes...blond is freed, primate is captured, marketing blitz hits New York, blond feels sorry for primate, primate is obsessing over blond, primate gets loose…city is terrorized, blond is kidnapped by obsessed primate, they get to the Empire State building and somehow the primate gets to the top. Makes sense since we’re talking about a GIANT primate who just has to be used to climbing tall buildings and shit like that. Anyhoo… the primate, with blond in hand, is shot and falls to the bottom. Terrorized blond cries and primate dies with one...
large...
extremely large and black...
...fucking GIANT and BLAAAAAACK hand reaching out towards said blond symbol of white pure beauty.
Sigh.
Yeah, a bitch fucking hates this story. My ass knows that Hollywood can’t and/or won’t get its shit together regarding portrayals of minorities. But fuck this fucking shit!
Fuck everyone involved in bringing this historic insult back to the screen…to insult the fucking shit out of me again! Fuckers!
And as far as the portrayal of women…oh shit, that requires another post. Suffice it to say, King Kong is a revival of the pedestal and blondie sits right on top of it. Virginal, untouched, coveted…she is the ultimate possession…a literal theatrical attraction.
Between the portrayal of women and the resurrection of antiquated racial stereotypes, this black woman can find little good in the King Kong story. Which means that this remake will join the other blockbuster films of 2005 on the 'this bitch won't even watch it on cable' list.
Happy Friday, chil'ren...
Shit!
Somewhere between drama and meltdown a bitch remembered why my ass is usually anti-social.
2 cups coffee with Splenda and organic milk, followed by 1 Claritin, 2 pseudo Sudafed and cigs…
As a bitch jumped through the morning television in a desperate attempt to avoid multiple viewings of the Oprah/Letterman reconciliation (give a bitch a break, people) something caught my eye.
Peter Jackson of Lord of the Rings fame has remade King Kong.
Immediately, a bitch got pissed.
Why ABB Hates the King Kong story…
A bitch has no hatred for Peter Jackson or his team of amazing folks. What this bitch hates…fucking cannot stand and thinks should be relegated to the same dark, murky hole in Hades that hopefully holds the entire body of black-face entertainment is the story.
King Kong, which was made famous as a 1930’s film, is the story of a white, very white...extremely white and Aryan the way Ann Coulter wishes she was Aryan...woman who some how ends up on a tropical, very tropical, WILD and untamed island populated by…NATIVES! Yep, natives who become entranced with this Aryan representation of civilized female beauty even though they have never set eyes on a white woman. Depending on the version, they either have always worshiped white women or simply begin to worship them once they set eyes on the blond bombshell that plops down on their island.
Now, they have a secret. A big fucking secret! There is a giant highly sexualized primate lurking on the island! Oh no! Jesus, why would a loving Gawd ever create such a beast? In the words of Wolf Blitzer…he’s so black!
In order to pacify said giant black primate, the natives offer up sacrificial women. The giant primate then takes the women and leaves the natives alone for a while. ‘Cause…well, you know…he's getting his freak on. And everyone knows that giant sexualized primates are soothed and calmed by the company of a terrified nubile woman.
Even though the regular offering of native women has pacified the giant primate, the natives know that this stunning white woman will put his ass over the top. Shit, they started coveting her right from the start! No way is their giant highly sexualized primate going to turn down a tryst with an unwilling blond beauty.
So, they capture the girl, tie her ass to a stake and offer her.
The giant primate, who represents society’s notion that black men are obsessed with white women and are driven into uncontrollable frenzies by them, comes upon the blond and…well…becomes obsessed with her and is driven into an uncontrollable frenzy.
It gets better!
The blond, at first disgusted and terrified by the giant black primate, begins to fall under its spell. This is vital, because EVERYONE knows that the black man…oh, shit…no that would be the 'giant black primate' has skills and, given enough time, can seduce pure untouched blonds with his sexual prowess!
Lets see...ummm...oh yes...blond is freed, primate is captured, marketing blitz hits New York, blond feels sorry for primate, primate is obsessing over blond, primate gets loose…city is terrorized, blond is kidnapped by obsessed primate, they get to the Empire State building and somehow the primate gets to the top. Makes sense since we’re talking about a GIANT primate who just has to be used to climbing tall buildings and shit like that. Anyhoo… the primate, with blond in hand, is shot and falls to the bottom. Terrorized blond cries and primate dies with one...
large...
extremely large and black...
...fucking GIANT and BLAAAAAACK hand reaching out towards said blond symbol of white pure beauty.
Sigh.
Yeah, a bitch fucking hates this story. My ass knows that Hollywood can’t and/or won’t get its shit together regarding portrayals of minorities. But fuck this fucking shit!
Fuck everyone involved in bringing this historic insult back to the screen…to insult the fucking shit out of me again! Fuckers!
And as far as the portrayal of women…oh shit, that requires another post. Suffice it to say, King Kong is a revival of the pedestal and blondie sits right on top of it. Virginal, untouched, coveted…she is the ultimate possession…a literal theatrical attraction.
Between the portrayal of women and the resurrection of antiquated racial stereotypes, this black woman can find little good in the King Kong story. Which means that this remake will join the other blockbuster films of 2005 on the 'this bitch won't even watch it on cable' list.
Happy Friday, chil'ren...
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Happy Birthday, Angry Swede!
Apparently, today is a certain PissedOffPencil's birthday...
Happy Birthday and stay angry...and Swedish!
Happy Birthday and stay angry...and Swedish!
The plan...
Finally, the plan for victory is available to the masses…
Victory in Iraq is defined in the following…well, um…terms.
Short term, Iraq is making steady progress in fighting terrorists, meeting political milestones, building democratic institutions, and standing up security forces.
Medium term, Iraq is in the lead defeating terrorists and providing its own security, with a fully constitutional government in place, and on its way to achieving its economic potential.
Longer term, Iraq is peaceful, united, stable, and secure, well integrated into the international community, and a full partner in the global war on terrorism.
Let’s just take this one term at a time, shall we?
Short Term…
We seem to be stuck here, don’t we? Iraq is not making much progress fighting terrorists in Iraq. Hell, we aren’t making much progress fighting terrorists in Iraq! It remind a bitch of watching my mother sweep…the dust and dirt just moved around wildly until she finally just said fuck it and left a pile of the shit unaddressed in the middle of the floor. Some political milestones have been met, but this bitch isn’t laying money on Iraq building any democratic institutions in the near future. Oh, and those security forces…Lawd, let’s not even get into those security forces!
Medium term…
A bitch is just going to assume that insurgents are the same as terrorists…y’all really need to choose your word and stick to it, because this shit is confusing. Insurgents, evildoers, terrorists, Jihadists, Saddamists…Lawd have mercy! Anyhoo…leading the way in blah, blah, blah. How do you define ‘leading the way’? A bitch understands a fulfilling functioning constitutional government…that’s got to count for something. But, if we anticipate Iraq achieving its economic potential in the medium term (and what the fuck is a medium term, anyway) then why the fuck are we running around asking countries to forgive Iraqi debt? And why is gas so fucking expensive? And why are we paying for everything...why not open up a fucking tab? Fuckers! Make sense!
Long term…
Oh, fuck it!
America isn’t peaceful, united or well integrated into the international community. Fuck it to hell and back again!
Shit.
This plan scares the hell out of me. It reads like an RC Cola Plan of Attack Brief against Coca Cola…delusional, unrealistic regarding the task ahead, lacking in depth and fuck up from front to back.
Lawd, give me strength…
Victory in Iraq is defined in the following…well, um…terms.
Short term, Iraq is making steady progress in fighting terrorists, meeting political milestones, building democratic institutions, and standing up security forces.
Medium term, Iraq is in the lead defeating terrorists and providing its own security, with a fully constitutional government in place, and on its way to achieving its economic potential.
Longer term, Iraq is peaceful, united, stable, and secure, well integrated into the international community, and a full partner in the global war on terrorism.
Let’s just take this one term at a time, shall we?
Short Term…
We seem to be stuck here, don’t we? Iraq is not making much progress fighting terrorists in Iraq. Hell, we aren’t making much progress fighting terrorists in Iraq! It remind a bitch of watching my mother sweep…the dust and dirt just moved around wildly until she finally just said fuck it and left a pile of the shit unaddressed in the middle of the floor. Some political milestones have been met, but this bitch isn’t laying money on Iraq building any democratic institutions in the near future. Oh, and those security forces…Lawd, let’s not even get into those security forces!
Medium term…
A bitch is just going to assume that insurgents are the same as terrorists…y’all really need to choose your word and stick to it, because this shit is confusing. Insurgents, evildoers, terrorists, Jihadists, Saddamists…Lawd have mercy! Anyhoo…leading the way in blah, blah, blah. How do you define ‘leading the way’? A bitch understands a fulfilling functioning constitutional government…that’s got to count for something. But, if we anticipate Iraq achieving its economic potential in the medium term (and what the fuck is a medium term, anyway) then why the fuck are we running around asking countries to forgive Iraqi debt? And why is gas so fucking expensive? And why are we paying for everything...why not open up a fucking tab? Fuckers! Make sense!
Long term…
Oh, fuck it!
America isn’t peaceful, united or well integrated into the international community. Fuck it to hell and back again!
Shit.
This plan scares the hell out of me. It reads like an RC Cola Plan of Attack Brief against Coca Cola…delusional, unrealistic regarding the task ahead, lacking in depth and fuck up from front to back.
Lawd, give me strength…
For Sean in Minneapolis...
This post is for a certain Sean in Minneapolis (the city that gave birth to this bitch). Yeah, you didn't think a bitch would grant your request...doubtful one. Thank you for sharing your story with a bitch. This bitch hopes you feel better soon and my ass is glad that this wee little blog has brought a smile to your lips. There is laughter in life even in the midst of drama, honey. Shit, sometimes all you can do is laugh about it. A bitch knows you are scared and tired and nauseous and angry. And a bitch is glad that you made it another day!
You are, always have been and always will be more than a diagnosis…more than AIDS. Don’t forget that. Enjoy the corn casserole. Avoid the snow.
For Sean by request...Bitchitude for World AIDS Day…
Responding to Kanye West’s song Gold Diggers…
Motherfucker please. As if there are hordes of women just hanging around desperate to latch onto your ass by getting pregnant. Shit, the only reason this bitch even heard your song is because my ass is trying to avoid Christmas Radio and my motherfucking c.d. player is broken! Listen, honey, you need to update your material. Please include a line about using a fucking condom…you do know that money won't buy you a get out of disease free card, right? How about talking to the straight boys…the rich motherfuckers acting like some woman jumped on their shit and forced them to impregnate their…what did you call it…gold digging ass. Because fear of the gold digger hasn’t done shit to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS among people of color, son.
BTW…when’s the last time your triple platinum, tacky assed, trend whore with a chip on your shoulder the size of Liz Taylor’s Burton-era bling ass got tested? Check your ego at the clinic door...asshole.
Responding to a certain tired assed bougie heifer who thinks her ass don’t have to worry…
Bitch please. Have you lost your motherfucking mind? Did you ever have any sense? Listen and listen good. If his ass prefers sex without a condom that means his ass has had sex without a condom…which should mean his ass ain’t getting any part of your ass, but whatever. Taking that well traveled penis to the clinic for pre-sex testing ain’t nearly enough.
First go to the clinic, and then wait for the fucking results. If his ass even goes to the clinic this bitch is guessing he won’t stay around long enough for you to get the results back. But, should hell freeze over, get the results back (let's assume they are negative) then go to the store and get a box of those ribbed for her pleasure condoms and tell that shady motherfucker to step off if he don’t “like it like that”. Lawd have mercy…
In reply to a certain sistah who shall remain un-named…
Certain sistah…"Oh my God, these infection numbers among women of color are so alarming!”
ABB…"Yeah, they are shocking.”
CS…"I am so glad I’m married and don’t have to deal with this!”
ABB…"Girl, for some people being married ain’t got shit to do with it.”
CS…"Well! I’m not sure what you are inferring!”
ABB, mumbling as CS stalked off…"Hard to believe that, since your husband is at the club more often than an old Catholic goes to mass.”
Moving forward...
Did you feel that Sean in Minneapolis? That’s a bitch sending you a spiritual hug! You keep reading and this bitch will keep bitching…
Everyday is World AIDS Day…know your status, be safe, get tested, live life, get educated and educate others.
Blessed be...
You are, always have been and always will be more than a diagnosis…more than AIDS. Don’t forget that. Enjoy the corn casserole. Avoid the snow.
For Sean by request...Bitchitude for World AIDS Day…
Responding to Kanye West’s song Gold Diggers…
Motherfucker please. As if there are hordes of women just hanging around desperate to latch onto your ass by getting pregnant. Shit, the only reason this bitch even heard your song is because my ass is trying to avoid Christmas Radio and my motherfucking c.d. player is broken! Listen, honey, you need to update your material. Please include a line about using a fucking condom…you do know that money won't buy you a get out of disease free card, right? How about talking to the straight boys…the rich motherfuckers acting like some woman jumped on their shit and forced them to impregnate their…what did you call it…gold digging ass. Because fear of the gold digger hasn’t done shit to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS among people of color, son.
BTW…when’s the last time your triple platinum, tacky assed, trend whore with a chip on your shoulder the size of Liz Taylor’s Burton-era bling ass got tested? Check your ego at the clinic door...asshole.
Responding to a certain tired assed bougie heifer who thinks her ass don’t have to worry…
Bitch please. Have you lost your motherfucking mind? Did you ever have any sense? Listen and listen good. If his ass prefers sex without a condom that means his ass has had sex without a condom…which should mean his ass ain’t getting any part of your ass, but whatever. Taking that well traveled penis to the clinic for pre-sex testing ain’t nearly enough.
First go to the clinic, and then wait for the fucking results. If his ass even goes to the clinic this bitch is guessing he won’t stay around long enough for you to get the results back. But, should hell freeze over, get the results back (let's assume they are negative) then go to the store and get a box of those ribbed for her pleasure condoms and tell that shady motherfucker to step off if he don’t “like it like that”. Lawd have mercy…
In reply to a certain sistah who shall remain un-named…
Certain sistah…"Oh my God, these infection numbers among women of color are so alarming!”
ABB…"Yeah, they are shocking.”
CS…"I am so glad I’m married and don’t have to deal with this!”
ABB…"Girl, for some people being married ain’t got shit to do with it.”
CS…"Well! I’m not sure what you are inferring!”
ABB, mumbling as CS stalked off…"Hard to believe that, since your husband is at the club more often than an old Catholic goes to mass.”
Moving forward...
Did you feel that Sean in Minneapolis? That’s a bitch sending you a spiritual hug! You keep reading and this bitch will keep bitching…
Everyday is World AIDS Day…know your status, be safe, get tested, live life, get educated and educate others.
Blessed be...
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A bitch is back...!
A bitch is pleased to read that a certain Blood Ray will be joining in the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks caroling event! Shit. Now my ass has to put this shit together!
2 cups coffee with milk-like powdered substance (a bitch needs to hit the market and score some organic milk) followed by Splenda, 1 fake-assed Sudafed, 1 Claritin and cigs…
Dining Out for Life was a scene last night! A bitch mingled with the masses and was thrilled to see Atomic Cowboy bursting with diners. Thanks to everyone who participated in this fundraising event!
Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
This bitch watched the Today Show with glee this morning. Scooter’s pending speech on Iraq coupled with the release of a previously classified plan for war resulted in an appearance by Bill fucking O’Reilly! Holy shit!
And that motherfucker was bitter this morning…
Katie had barely opened up the discussion when O’Reilly launched in with one of the 'best someone needs a hug' rants this bitch has seen in a long time…
“I’m not going to listen to the speech! It doesn’t matter what he says. I want to know why the Iraqi troops aren’t trained already! If we pull our of Iraq now it will turn into a terrorist state!”
ABB, with Carvillian glee...Ooooh, he’s mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!
“Win the damn thing!”
ABB in my best Southern belle...Mr. O’Reilly…this is morning television!
Katie, knocked back and slightly pale, interjected with the phrase that no one at the network wanted to utter…"What does winning mean?”
Oh shit! Oh shit!!
Hit pause.
Light cig and gulp java!
Holy fucking shit! All hell is breaking out on the Today Show!
Hit play.
O’Reilly, faced with a question no one wants to answer, proceeded to not answer the unanswerable with the unthinkable…"We can’t guarantee a win. This is World War III. No one wants to talk about it, but it is. We have to create stability and…shit…fuck it! We can’t guarantee a win.”
A bitch took some liberties there...wink, wink.
But seriously, this is WWIII?
Wait one fucking second! This is WWIII and we can’t guarantee a win?
This is WWIII…and our goal is…to hope for the best and see how everything looks in 6 months?
Holy fucking shit.
Whatever happened to The Powell Doctrine...?
2 cups coffee with milk-like powdered substance (a bitch needs to hit the market and score some organic milk) followed by Splenda, 1 fake-assed Sudafed, 1 Claritin and cigs…
Dining Out for Life was a scene last night! A bitch mingled with the masses and was thrilled to see Atomic Cowboy bursting with diners. Thanks to everyone who participated in this fundraising event!
Let’s just jump right in, shall we?
This bitch watched the Today Show with glee this morning. Scooter’s pending speech on Iraq coupled with the release of a previously classified plan for war resulted in an appearance by Bill fucking O’Reilly! Holy shit!
And that motherfucker was bitter this morning…
Katie had barely opened up the discussion when O’Reilly launched in with one of the 'best someone needs a hug' rants this bitch has seen in a long time…
“I’m not going to listen to the speech! It doesn’t matter what he says. I want to know why the Iraqi troops aren’t trained already! If we pull our of Iraq now it will turn into a terrorist state!”
ABB, with Carvillian glee...Ooooh, he’s mad as hell and not going to take it anymore!
“Win the damn thing!”
ABB in my best Southern belle...Mr. O’Reilly…this is morning television!
Katie, knocked back and slightly pale, interjected with the phrase that no one at the network wanted to utter…"What does winning mean?”
Oh shit! Oh shit!!
Hit pause.
Light cig and gulp java!
Holy fucking shit! All hell is breaking out on the Today Show!
Hit play.
O’Reilly, faced with a question no one wants to answer, proceeded to not answer the unanswerable with the unthinkable…"We can’t guarantee a win. This is World War III. No one wants to talk about it, but it is. We have to create stability and…shit…fuck it! We can’t guarantee a win.”
A bitch took some liberties there...wink, wink.
But seriously, this is WWIII?
Wait one fucking second! This is WWIII and we can’t guarantee a win?
This is WWIII…and our goal is…to hope for the best and see how everything looks in 6 months?
Holy fucking shit.
Whatever happened to The Powell Doctrine...?
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Holiday friskitude...
Well, those lawyers took one look at this bitch and decided to settle! Mmmmmhmmm! A bitch is free of jury duty for a couple of years.
Yeah!
Fantabulous, and just in time for Dining Out for Life tonight at Atomic Cowboy. If you are in St. Louis and still trying to decide where to dine, bring your happy ass to Atomic Cowboy and visit with a bitch!
My darling Phaggot, there were no cuties in the courthouse. Sigh…not one fucking cutie for a bitch to flirt with! And a bitch was bored, so my ass would have flirted with a sorta-cutie just for kicks.
To a certain Cheetarah 1980 re: intellegent design…you got what a bitch was trying to say.
Moving forward…
ABB’s Holiday Rant…
Maybe it’s the 24/7 holiday music blitz on the radio…or it could be the rapid arctic freeze that has decended on Missouri…but a bitch is beyond bitchy about the holidays! My ass will go out and procure some Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Yule and Christmas cards. This bitch has to cover several bases. There will be another corn casserole and some ham or other pork-like thing to prepare. And wine…and vodka…and cakes, pies and cookies.
Aside from the mass eating yet to come, this fucking holiday shit gets on my nerves.
The music…The Devine One is probably tired of the music by now! Who asked to hear Jingle Bells, anyway? Make it stop!
The shopping…a bitch is broke! A bitch has been broke! There will be no serious shopping regardless of how many e-mails, mailings or solicitations thrown my way. CEASE!
The hypocrites…fucking assholes trying to get on local news by acting human just because something about December makes everyone fear Gawd’s wrath!
Fuck it! This bitch is beyond tired of this shit!
His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman, and this bitch discussed a possible church activity over corn casserole yumminess this past Thanksgiving. We are hoping to plan some holiday caroling…with bitchitude. The plan is to hook up with an area retirment home and carol for about an hour…then hit the bars for some festive vodka and cran consumption. My Play Husband will have to come up with some music! More details on that to follow…
Anyhoo, a bitch is all about socializing intead of buying this holiday season. Mostly because a bitch is feeling frisky. Well, shit…it’s cold and people look more attractive in layers…or is that just me? Anyhoo, a bitch plans to indulge in some seasonal friskiness, socialization, merriment and bitchitude!
Prepare yourself, St. Louis! A bitch is hitting the town!
See you tonight at Atomic Cowboy…
Yeah!
Fantabulous, and just in time for Dining Out for Life tonight at Atomic Cowboy. If you are in St. Louis and still trying to decide where to dine, bring your happy ass to Atomic Cowboy and visit with a bitch!
My darling Phaggot, there were no cuties in the courthouse. Sigh…not one fucking cutie for a bitch to flirt with! And a bitch was bored, so my ass would have flirted with a sorta-cutie just for kicks.
To a certain Cheetarah 1980 re: intellegent design…you got what a bitch was trying to say.
Moving forward…
ABB’s Holiday Rant…
Maybe it’s the 24/7 holiday music blitz on the radio…or it could be the rapid arctic freeze that has decended on Missouri…but a bitch is beyond bitchy about the holidays! My ass will go out and procure some Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Yule and Christmas cards. This bitch has to cover several bases. There will be another corn casserole and some ham or other pork-like thing to prepare. And wine…and vodka…and cakes, pies and cookies.
Aside from the mass eating yet to come, this fucking holiday shit gets on my nerves.
The music…The Devine One is probably tired of the music by now! Who asked to hear Jingle Bells, anyway? Make it stop!
The shopping…a bitch is broke! A bitch has been broke! There will be no serious shopping regardless of how many e-mails, mailings or solicitations thrown my way. CEASE!
The hypocrites…fucking assholes trying to get on local news by acting human just because something about December makes everyone fear Gawd’s wrath!
Fuck it! This bitch is beyond tired of this shit!
His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman, and this bitch discussed a possible church activity over corn casserole yumminess this past Thanksgiving. We are hoping to plan some holiday caroling…with bitchitude. The plan is to hook up with an area retirment home and carol for about an hour…then hit the bars for some festive vodka and cran consumption. My Play Husband will have to come up with some music! More details on that to follow…
Anyhoo, a bitch is all about socializing intead of buying this holiday season. Mostly because a bitch is feeling frisky. Well, shit…it’s cold and people look more attractive in layers…or is that just me? Anyhoo, a bitch plans to indulge in some seasonal friskiness, socialization, merriment and bitchitude!
Prepare yourself, St. Louis! A bitch is hitting the town!
See you tonight at Atomic Cowboy…
Monday, November 28, 2005
Jury duty...day one...
A bitch is exhausted and more than a little freaked out. This bitch was down at the Civil Court building at 8am in the morning.
8 o’clock in the motherfucking morning! Jesus, a bitch is glad my ass didn’t go to law school! Not that a bitch saw any lawyers there at 8 o’clock in the morning…they may have been there, but this bitch could barely see anything with only one fucking cup of coffee in my system and 2 fake-assed government regulated pseudo-Sudafed.
FUCK!
To top it off, they didn’t start calling numbers for hours…HOURS! A bitch could have slept in.
Finally, they call a bitch…then we sit…someone printed off a ton of pages of something…then we were escorted across the street, up the stairs…where we stood…for fucking ever!
Finally, the door opens and we are called in by number, which confused a bitch because didn’t my ass just give you my number? Shit, my fucking number is on this tacky assed badge you are making a bitch sport so that every criminal in the place knows whom to whack once the verdict gets back!
FUCK!
A bitch sat down and finally a very judicial looking judge began to speak…
…about a criminal trial…
…regarding multiple counts of rape, sodomy and abuse of a child.
Oh, Lawd have mercy!
Gulp.
A bitch didn't land on that jury. Thank Gawd! My ass can say that 'cause a bitch didn't get picked.
Justice...unscripted...can be raw and brutal.
Inhale deep cleansing breath...
Soooo…this bitch gets to go back for round #2 tomorrow morning.
Yeah.
They don’t even have doughnuts or coffee….
Sob.
...but they do have a smoking lounge...
Ain't that a bitch?
8 o’clock in the motherfucking morning! Jesus, a bitch is glad my ass didn’t go to law school! Not that a bitch saw any lawyers there at 8 o’clock in the morning…they may have been there, but this bitch could barely see anything with only one fucking cup of coffee in my system and 2 fake-assed government regulated pseudo-Sudafed.
FUCK!
To top it off, they didn’t start calling numbers for hours…HOURS! A bitch could have slept in.
Finally, they call a bitch…then we sit…someone printed off a ton of pages of something…then we were escorted across the street, up the stairs…where we stood…for fucking ever!
Finally, the door opens and we are called in by number, which confused a bitch because didn’t my ass just give you my number? Shit, my fucking number is on this tacky assed badge you are making a bitch sport so that every criminal in the place knows whom to whack once the verdict gets back!
FUCK!
A bitch sat down and finally a very judicial looking judge began to speak…
…about a criminal trial…
…regarding multiple counts of rape, sodomy and abuse of a child.
Oh, Lawd have mercy!
Gulp.
A bitch didn't land on that jury. Thank Gawd! My ass can say that 'cause a bitch didn't get picked.
Justice...unscripted...can be raw and brutal.
Inhale deep cleansing breath...
Soooo…this bitch gets to go back for round #2 tomorrow morning.
Yeah.
They don’t even have doughnuts or coffee….
Sob.
...but they do have a smoking lounge...
Ain't that a bitch?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Easier...
Hello chil’ren!
A bitch had a fantasmic Thanksgiving feast of yummy Turducken, corn casserole, collard greens, cake, pie, cookies and vodka followed by cran! A bitch was so overcome with satiation that my ass passed out and missed a post-Thanksgiving gathering.
Shit.
Fuck it, a bitch couldn’t move!
Anyhoo, my ass hopes that everyone had a good holiday...unless you are Swedish, in which case you don’t have a Thanksgiving gorge feast…or maybe you do, like a harvest festival of greedy mass consumption. A bitch will have to look it up. Canadians have their own Thanksgiving…this bitch hopes it includes Smarties.
Moving forward...
This bitch has jury duty tomorrow. A bitch was so obsessed with the Turducken that my ass totally forgot about it. Being a true believer in the jury system, this bitch shall report for duty promptly at 8am! Posting will be delayed tomorrow!
May Gawd have mercy on the court…
This bitch was going to post about all manner of things, but a report on CNN about evolution versus intelligent design followed by the 60 Minutes report that just went off on the Bush administration's battle against Plan B settled this bitch on the issue of religion and government in America.
Perfect timing, since most of the country just sat down and stuffed ourselves in a traditional festival celebrating the fact that early settlers…fleeing the oppressive politicized religious states of Europe…managed to last through the New Year munching on the corn of native people.
This fucking debate pisses me off more that 24/7 holiday music on the radio! What the fuck has become of us? Are we so cocky…so certain that we know it all...that we would revert into the very society that so disgusted our founders that they fucking hopped on a boat and set off to FUCKING NOWHERE…ANYWHERE…FUCK IT, THEY WOULD RATHER HAVE DIED THAN SPEND ONE MORE FUCKING DAY STRAINING AGAINST THE YOKE OF…
...the Church as government.
Whew!
Heaven to hell and back again…
Whatever happened to render until Caesar what is Caesar's and until Gawd what is Gawd's?
After listening to the most ridiculous pseudo-intellectual debate on intelligent design my ass has ever fucking heard followed by a fucking gynecologist from
You may want to sit.
It’s not complex, but it seems profound…that could be the vodka and cran at work, but fuck it…
Because it's easier.
It’s easier to live life as a person of faith when you are not allowed by the law to do that which your faith prohibits. And doesn't that make you a person of laws and little faith?
Catch that knee before it jerks. Spiritual law is easily ignored...otherwise priests would be out of work. We're talking the law of governments and humans.
Think about it.
It’s easier not to pick up a baseball bat and bash an asshole over the head.
It’s easier not the fuck your neighbor’s wife…
It’s easier not to have to guide your children down a righteous path…to not have to instruct them at home because you know someone is taking care of that for you…
It’s easier to not add a chair to your dinner table…to not add a cup of water to that caldron of soup and feed your fellow man or woman…
It’s easier to go to church, or mass or whatever…kneel, stand, kneel, stand…drop some money in the bucket and say fuck it…
It’s easier to see the world as a wondrous place of clearly defined laws and everyone working with them so that they can get their just rewards...on earth? Oh, wait...no, no, no...in heaven! Who can remember? Perhaps this is heaven?
Gets muddy real quick...
It is easier.
But it’s not divine…nor sanctified…nor is it a spiritual accomplishment.
What easier is…is lazy. Intellectually, morally and …yes, spiritually lazy.
Render unto Caesar…
That is the labor so many religious activists have taken up. Taxes, law and order, morality, politics, education, medicine, loyalty, trust, adoration and love.
Is there anything left to render unto the Divine One?
...do they pray to Caesar...
or Gawd...
or do they even see the difference anymore?
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Comments...
Several people have e-mailed a bitch regarding comments on a bitch's blog.
Now, a bitch just changed my settings to allow anyone to comment. Happy now?
But here are the rules...violators will be punished and you will not enjoy it!
#1...No threats of hanging, lynching, dragging or killing. A bitch's blog is open to bitchitude, not death threats.
#2...A bitch reserved the right to delete ignorant shit and this bitch decides if the shit is ignorant. Wanna act a fool? Get your own blog!
#3...If a bitch feels that my comments have become a reactionary forum for the multitude of conservatives who troll the blogs looking for liberals to freak out on, a bitch will change my settings back.
#4...Feel free to e-mail a bitch if you have something to say but don't feel like commenting...that's why a bitch has e-mail.
A bitch has spoken, so let it be done...
Now, a bitch just changed my settings to allow anyone to comment. Happy now?
But here are the rules...violators will be punished and you will not enjoy it!
#1...No threats of hanging, lynching, dragging or killing. A bitch's blog is open to bitchitude, not death threats.
#2...A bitch reserved the right to delete ignorant shit and this bitch decides if the shit is ignorant. Wanna act a fool? Get your own blog!
#3...If a bitch feels that my comments have become a reactionary forum for the multitude of conservatives who troll the blogs looking for liberals to freak out on, a bitch will change my settings back.
#4...Feel free to e-mail a bitch if you have something to say but don't feel like commenting...that's why a bitch has e-mail.
A bitch has spoken, so let it be done...
Sex and the church...
It’s Wednesday, chil’ren! But really, it’s Friday due to the holiday!
Fan-fucking-tabulous!
This bitch has been feeding on a bitch’s sister’s yummy chocolate chip cookies made with butter…real butter! Yumminess to the second power!
Sex and the Church...
It appears that a certain Catholic Church has hired a new P.R. agency! Shit…it’s like they are doing a re-launch of the brand! Clearly, someone has found a press release template that they really like and isn’t afraid to use it.
For the record…gay priests are banned. Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church. The best part of the press release was that it leaked information about a document that has yet to be formally presented! Very nice, Pontifical One! Leaking, spinning and positioning…and y’all said that da Vinci stuff was off the mark...
Okay, before all the gay priests who read a bitch’s blog freak out, allow me to calm your fears. If you have been able to…well…overcome your gayness for three years…not two…not four…three years, you can still be a priest. Since overcoming gayness is not defined in the leaked sample of the document that has not been presented but will be presented after several weeks of Pontifical spin, a bitch is unable to supply any tips on how gayness is overcome.
If you are a priest you are supposed to be celibate.
Shudder.
If you are celibate, you aren’t fucking…so this must all come down to who you lust after. But who the fuck can tell you who you are lusting after anyway? So, basically the church is telling gay priests to withhold their gayness…to lie or deny…but lying is a sin…so just stay the fuck away so the church doesn’t have to deal with you! Jesus!
Or maybe it could be that whole masturbation thing. But masturbation is murder...unless you have no seed to waste, so once again women are off the hook as long as they get off without lust, which isn't much fun. Gawd, my head hurts! And how would the church know who is whacking off to what, when and where? Unless those secret spy holes really exist in the monastery. Freaks!
But secret spy holes kinda turn a bitch on…anyway, moving on…freaks! Spying on wanna-be priests whacking off has got to be a sin! Confess.
Well, since lust is wrong and masturbation is murder one would assume that a serious wanna-be gay priest would not participate in either. Which means that the standard for gauging whether a priest is a gay priest would have to be based on his inability to control his…well…natural human reaction to his fellow man.
And shame on you, oh Pontifical One, for looking at your fellow priest's groin areas! SHAME!
It dawns on me that perhaps this doctrine is flawed because the P.R. folks writing it are sexual novices. Not having experienced the joy of freakitude, they are basically unable to anticipate the problems presented in their release...or would that be lack of release...shit, my ass means press release. A bitch thinks they should sample some delights and then re-write the leaked but not yet official document with some specifics on how to not be what you already are…or at least how not to act on it…which they would realize is impossible if they only indulged a bit in some lustitude. Fuck it…there’s got to be tons of sex going on there or sex wouldn’t be such a hot topic…freaks!
All of this is getting a bitch a wee bit hot…which would be a sin…except a bitch isn’t Catholic, but rather a member of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!
As a founding bitch within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks, my ass is going to issue my own press release on all things sexual!
ABB’s doctrine of all things sexual within the faithful…
As we are all made in the Devine One’s image…all are welcome in the church!
That was easy, wasn’t it?
Go forth, get your freak on and spread the gospel…
Fan-fucking-tabulous!
This bitch has been feeding on a bitch’s sister’s yummy chocolate chip cookies made with butter…real butter! Yumminess to the second power!
Sex and the Church...
It appears that a certain Catholic Church has hired a new P.R. agency! Shit…it’s like they are doing a re-launch of the brand! Clearly, someone has found a press release template that they really like and isn’t afraid to use it.
For the record…gay priests are banned. Once again, lesbian nuns have benefited from the Church’s tendency to forget and/or ignore women in the church. The best part of the press release was that it leaked information about a document that has yet to be formally presented! Very nice, Pontifical One! Leaking, spinning and positioning…and y’all said that da Vinci stuff was off the mark...
Okay, before all the gay priests who read a bitch’s blog freak out, allow me to calm your fears. If you have been able to…well…overcome your gayness for three years…not two…not four…three years, you can still be a priest. Since overcoming gayness is not defined in the leaked sample of the document that has not been presented but will be presented after several weeks of Pontifical spin, a bitch is unable to supply any tips on how gayness is overcome.
If you are a priest you are supposed to be celibate.
Shudder.
If you are celibate, you aren’t fucking…so this must all come down to who you lust after. But who the fuck can tell you who you are lusting after anyway? So, basically the church is telling gay priests to withhold their gayness…to lie or deny…but lying is a sin…so just stay the fuck away so the church doesn’t have to deal with you! Jesus!
Or maybe it could be that whole masturbation thing. But masturbation is murder...unless you have no seed to waste, so once again women are off the hook as long as they get off without lust, which isn't much fun. Gawd, my head hurts! And how would the church know who is whacking off to what, when and where? Unless those secret spy holes really exist in the monastery. Freaks!
But secret spy holes kinda turn a bitch on…anyway, moving on…freaks! Spying on wanna-be priests whacking off has got to be a sin! Confess.
Well, since lust is wrong and masturbation is murder one would assume that a serious wanna-be gay priest would not participate in either. Which means that the standard for gauging whether a priest is a gay priest would have to be based on his inability to control his…well…natural human reaction to his fellow man.
And shame on you, oh Pontifical One, for looking at your fellow priest's groin areas! SHAME!
It dawns on me that perhaps this doctrine is flawed because the P.R. folks writing it are sexual novices. Not having experienced the joy of freakitude, they are basically unable to anticipate the problems presented in their release...or would that be lack of release...shit, my ass means press release. A bitch thinks they should sample some delights and then re-write the leaked but not yet official document with some specifics on how to not be what you already are…or at least how not to act on it…which they would realize is impossible if they only indulged a bit in some lustitude. Fuck it…there’s got to be tons of sex going on there or sex wouldn’t be such a hot topic…freaks!
All of this is getting a bitch a wee bit hot…which would be a sin…except a bitch isn’t Catholic, but rather a member of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!
As a founding bitch within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks, my ass is going to issue my own press release on all things sexual!
ABB’s doctrine of all things sexual within the faithful…
As we are all made in the Devine One’s image…all are welcome in the church!
That was easy, wasn’t it?
Go forth, get your freak on and spread the gospel…
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Q&A with a bitch...
Get well wishes go out to a certain Detroit Red Wings player who gave us all a big scare when he collapsed during a game last night! Jesus! A bitch is glad to hear that he is doing well…it was very scary to watch. Now my ass can go back to hating all things Red and Winged.
Moving forward…
Sparkle Shortz posted a comment to a bitch’s blog! Fantastmic! A bitch’s LiveJournal fans rarely post to a bitch’s blog. Sadly, a bitch cannot post comments on LiveJournal. Sigh. But a bitch does adore y’all! Greetings and blessings!
Anyhoo, this bitch gets a lot of questions. Some are answered and some…well…a bitch likes to keep her secrets. And others are no secret at all...if you know a bitch...
Q&A with a bitch…
Why don’t you look angry in pictures?
A bitch hates having my picture taken. Most photos of me are taken after a bitch has consumed several vodka crans…oh, and my ass is usually surrounded by UCoB&LDD faithful who, of course, make me smile!
What is soul food?
Break my heart! Honey, a bitch is shocked! Soul food means different things to different people. To a bitch, it’s traditional black southern food that holds it’s roots in the history of the African in America and all the cultures that mixed together below the Mason Dixon line. People get fierce about their soul food…what type of corn bread is correct, grits or no-grits, sugar and butter in the grits or no sugar, smothered or fried, cabbage or greens and the list goes on and on. A bitch has seen people come to blows! But, anyway, bring your ass to St. Louis and a bitch will introduce you to soul food…STL style!
Why do you use black instead of African American?
Note…a bitch resisted falling back on the ‘it’s easier to type’ reply. This bitch went to a school that literally had the entire African Diaspora represented. We had a Black Student’s Organization, but then the African students wanted to break away…followed by the Caribbean students and then the fighting began. So, this bitch learned a lesson in language. A bitch is black…my history is that of the African in America…and my ass uses black because it is a more unifying term. Sometimes a bitch uses brown, because a bitch is a rather nice Hershey brown color most of the time except summer…but anyway, this bitch prefers black because my ass feels that it is a more inclusive term. And it’s easier to type.
What type of vodka do you prefer?
Great question! Loyal readers know that a bitch adores all thing Swedish…it’s the new 'it' country! Absolut is fantasmic and my ass likes their ads too. Being an international black bitch at heart, this bitch also likes Smirnoff for a change. But, when drinking vodka straight…yes, a bitch does indulge now and then in an ice cold shot straight from the freezer…this bitch likes Belvedere and refuses to hear any shit about it!
Okay…that’s enough for now.
Toodles until tomorrow, chil’ren!
Moving forward…
Sparkle Shortz posted a comment to a bitch’s blog! Fantastmic! A bitch’s LiveJournal fans rarely post to a bitch’s blog. Sadly, a bitch cannot post comments on LiveJournal. Sigh. But a bitch does adore y’all! Greetings and blessings!
Anyhoo, this bitch gets a lot of questions. Some are answered and some…well…a bitch likes to keep her secrets. And others are no secret at all...if you know a bitch...
Q&A with a bitch…
Why don’t you look angry in pictures?
A bitch hates having my picture taken. Most photos of me are taken after a bitch has consumed several vodka crans…oh, and my ass is usually surrounded by UCoB&LDD faithful who, of course, make me smile!
What is soul food?
Break my heart! Honey, a bitch is shocked! Soul food means different things to different people. To a bitch, it’s traditional black southern food that holds it’s roots in the history of the African in America and all the cultures that mixed together below the Mason Dixon line. People get fierce about their soul food…what type of corn bread is correct, grits or no-grits, sugar and butter in the grits or no sugar, smothered or fried, cabbage or greens and the list goes on and on. A bitch has seen people come to blows! But, anyway, bring your ass to St. Louis and a bitch will introduce you to soul food…STL style!
Why do you use black instead of African American?
Note…a bitch resisted falling back on the ‘it’s easier to type’ reply. This bitch went to a school that literally had the entire African Diaspora represented. We had a Black Student’s Organization, but then the African students wanted to break away…followed by the Caribbean students and then the fighting began. So, this bitch learned a lesson in language. A bitch is black…my history is that of the African in America…and my ass uses black because it is a more unifying term. Sometimes a bitch uses brown, because a bitch is a rather nice Hershey brown color most of the time except summer…but anyway, this bitch prefers black because my ass feels that it is a more inclusive term. And it’s easier to type.
What type of vodka do you prefer?
Great question! Loyal readers know that a bitch adores all thing Swedish…it’s the new 'it' country! Absolut is fantasmic and my ass likes their ads too. Being an international black bitch at heart, this bitch also likes Smirnoff for a change. But, when drinking vodka straight…yes, a bitch does indulge now and then in an ice cold shot straight from the freezer…this bitch likes Belvedere and refuses to hear any shit about it!
Okay…that’s enough for now.
Toodles until tomorrow, chil’ren!
That road...the one less traveled by...
...Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost
Robert Frost
A bitch often thinks about my choices and where my life has gone because of them. This bitch has few regrets…life is good. But a bitch took that other road a long time ago...
Long ago, when a bitch was a wee bitch, my life was an emotional mess. My sister was off to college in Boston. A bitch was proud of her, but also depressed that she would be so far away. Having given little thought to the future, a bitch just thought about making it through each day one day at a time. High school sucked, my social life was non-existent, my brother was living in residential care away from home and my mother was indulging in her third...or was it her fourth…emotional meltdown.
Before she headed off to Boston a bitch’s sister gave this bitch a letter. A college in Great Barrington Massachusetts had sent it to her and she thought a bitch should look at it. We did some research on the college, Simon’s Rock College, and decided that this was my out. We both knew that my ass needed to go away…home wasn’t home anymore and it was time to get to work on my future. So, a bitch sent off an application and tucked hope into my back pocket.
When this bitch was accepted it blew my mind. A wee bitch wasn’t exactly intellectually confident…shocking, but true. Why would they accept me? Simon’s Rock College is a progressive liberal arts school specifically designed for high school aged students who want to skip their remaining years and go straight to college. Was that this bitch?
Yes, it was.
Most of my friends don’t know that a bitch went to college a year early. It wasn’t a huge academic achievement…a bitch had taken a lot of extra hours and had the credits to graduate early. And then there is the wonderkin thing…so why aren’t you a doctor or something? Weren’t people like you supposed to be published at 25 and internationally famous by 30?
Simon’s Rock does boast some famous alums…the Coen brothers and that Move-On guy, Eli Pariser. And a bitch, of course! Ha!
Long ago, when a bitch was a wee bitch, my life was an emotional mess. My sister was off to college in Boston. A bitch was proud of her, but also depressed that she would be so far away. Having given little thought to the future, a bitch just thought about making it through each day one day at a time. High school sucked, my social life was non-existent, my brother was living in residential care away from home and my mother was indulging in her third...or was it her fourth…emotional meltdown.
Before she headed off to Boston a bitch’s sister gave this bitch a letter. A college in Great Barrington Massachusetts had sent it to her and she thought a bitch should look at it. We did some research on the college, Simon’s Rock College, and decided that this was my out. We both knew that my ass needed to go away…home wasn’t home anymore and it was time to get to work on my future. So, a bitch sent off an application and tucked hope into my back pocket.
When this bitch was accepted it blew my mind. A wee bitch wasn’t exactly intellectually confident…shocking, but true. Why would they accept me? Simon’s Rock College is a progressive liberal arts school specifically designed for high school aged students who want to skip their remaining years and go straight to college. Was that this bitch?
Yes, it was.
Most of my friends don’t know that a bitch went to college a year early. It wasn’t a huge academic achievement…a bitch had taken a lot of extra hours and had the credits to graduate early. And then there is the wonderkin thing…so why aren’t you a doctor or something? Weren’t people like you supposed to be published at 25 and internationally famous by 30?
Simon’s Rock does boast some famous alums…the Coen brothers and that Move-On guy, Eli Pariser. And a bitch, of course! Ha!
This bitch did one year at Simon’s Rock, but my transfer to a school closer to Boston didn’t dilute the impact going to Simon’s Rock made on my life.
Some young people run away from home…this bitch went to college. My year at The Rock was one of academic exploration, ridiculous rebellion and militant bullshit. And a bitch is thankful for the experience…the refuge and the renewed excitement for life that year gave me.
Of all the gifts my sister has given me, a direct mail piece from Simon’s Rock was the greatest one of all. Oh, and that push…that nudge that was exactly what my ass needed.
Thank you, C-Money, for that gift and the life it has led to.
So, this Thanksgiving a bitch has decided to confess and be thankful.
This bitch took the road less traveled by…
And that made all the fucking difference.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Body Image - A Philosophical...
A bitch had a curious weekend.
My ass went to the circus with my play husband and a crew of fantabulous people. This bitch was disturbed by the circus…sad eyed elephants doing tricks and clowns portraying antiquated stereotypes of Blacks and Asians. Shit, no wonder Cirque is kicking Barnum’s ass. It was fantabulous people watching though. Parents snapping at overly excited chil’ren and chil’ren trying to decide what they wanted to puke three hours later. Oh, and our diversity squad of grown motherfuckers inhaling food and trash talking the clowns! Fantabulous.
Saturday found a black bitch at the Harvard/Yale football game. Rather, my ass was at Ozzie's at Westport Plaza watching The Game with alums from both schools. This bitch did not attend Harvard or Yale, but my ass did mooch from several Harvard dining halls for 4 years…yummy breakfasts. Anyhoo, a bitch was supporting fair Harvard with a bitch’s sister and new friends. My ass had a great chat with a 175-year-old Anthropologist up from Columbia MO. Great guy…we chatted about Romania and the state of American cities. Fuck the game! Well, actually the game got exciting at the end with Harvard pulling out a victory in triple overtime. My ass was busy getting up to speed on the native cultures of Alaska!
Moving forward…
A bitch went bra shopping yesterday. Now, this is a major undertaking for this bitch. My ass hates bra shopping. Since breast size is dependent on weight for this bitch my bra sizes have been fluctuating like a motherfucker this year! Add to that…well…a bitch has serious breasts and my bras are for support and fashion not simply fashion. So, rather than being able to just go in and load up or, better yet, buy online my ass had to physically go to a store and try fucking bras on! FUCK!
As usual, this bitch parked at the wrong side of the mall and had to walk amongst the masses to get to the store. A bitch selected three of the usual bra sizes and entered the dressing room on a mission. Thank GAWD bra number two fit, so this bitch was in and out in a flash. Walking back through the mall my ass to note of conversations and interactions…ads and promotions…fashion and fucked up fashion.
The conversation that jumped out at a bitch was one between two emaciated young women outside of Torrid…the plus size vamp store with fantabulous punk wanna be stuff…
Emaciated Youth #1 with a serious attitude in her voice…"Oh my God! I can’t believe they make skirts that large!”
EY #2, following #1’s lead…"I know! It’s disgusting!”
EY #1…"I’d rather be dead!”
EY #2…"Oh God, me too!”
They then turned and walked away…a bitch assumes they had achieved their fill of hated or were moving on to Lane Bryant.
Anyway, while driving home a bitch was troubled by what these young women represent. Body image and weight are the new 'it' topics in America and clearly these young people were feeling the heat.
They were also emaciated, inarticulate, poor posture having, root displaying so my ass knows you ain't been blond for fucking months heifers from West County.
ABB’s Body Image Philosophical…
A bitch really likes my body. Really. There are cures and lumps and scars and various shades of brown. Fuck it…my ass likes it all! My associates from high school would be surprised the hear me say that, since this bitch hated my body back in the day. A size 7 and my ass was unhappy…Jesus, that’s so fucked up!
Anyhoo, with additional pounds and years of living this bitch has learned to love my body. Usually a bitch is pretty positive…except when bloated, but who can blame me.
But if you watch American television you would think a bitch should hate myself. Commercials feature tall and slim women. Plus size commercials are the worst…most of those women aren’t even large! And when the news turns to weight it’s always about disease, health problems and massive drama…oh God, America is soooo fat and those people should be sooo miserable!
Which sends the message that slim equals happy.
Which is bullshit…a bitch knows, because my ass has been both and everything in between.
Being healthy is important. Mental health, physical heath and spiritual balance are all important. But being physically fit doesn’t make you happy. Being plump doesn’t have to make you miserable.
This bitch has been single skinny and a bitch has been single large. My ass got jobs while thin and my ass got jobs while large...yeah, and a bitch lost jobs when thin and lost jobs when plump.
A lover cheated on my thin ass and other people’s lovers have tried to get with my large ass.
Get my drift? Need more?
Jennifer Anniston was left when her ass had 0% body fat. Oprah’s had Stedman through 10 dress sizes.
Get the fuck over this shit!
Fuck it.
Being healthy is a good goal and this time of year most people start making plans to get with a program in January. A bitch just wants to extend a dose of reality to all…
Life is short. Live your slice of it loving yourself! Throw your head back and live it, for the love of Gawd!
You better believe this full figured black woman will be living it up like a motherfucker…new bras and all…
My ass went to the circus with my play husband and a crew of fantabulous people. This bitch was disturbed by the circus…sad eyed elephants doing tricks and clowns portraying antiquated stereotypes of Blacks and Asians. Shit, no wonder Cirque is kicking Barnum’s ass. It was fantabulous people watching though. Parents snapping at overly excited chil’ren and chil’ren trying to decide what they wanted to puke three hours later. Oh, and our diversity squad of grown motherfuckers inhaling food and trash talking the clowns! Fantabulous.
Saturday found a black bitch at the Harvard/Yale football game. Rather, my ass was at Ozzie's at Westport Plaza watching The Game with alums from both schools. This bitch did not attend Harvard or Yale, but my ass did mooch from several Harvard dining halls for 4 years…yummy breakfasts. Anyhoo, a bitch was supporting fair Harvard with a bitch’s sister and new friends. My ass had a great chat with a 175-year-old Anthropologist up from Columbia MO. Great guy…we chatted about Romania and the state of American cities. Fuck the game! Well, actually the game got exciting at the end with Harvard pulling out a victory in triple overtime. My ass was busy getting up to speed on the native cultures of Alaska!
Moving forward…
A bitch went bra shopping yesterday. Now, this is a major undertaking for this bitch. My ass hates bra shopping. Since breast size is dependent on weight for this bitch my bra sizes have been fluctuating like a motherfucker this year! Add to that…well…a bitch has serious breasts and my bras are for support and fashion not simply fashion. So, rather than being able to just go in and load up or, better yet, buy online my ass had to physically go to a store and try fucking bras on! FUCK!
As usual, this bitch parked at the wrong side of the mall and had to walk amongst the masses to get to the store. A bitch selected three of the usual bra sizes and entered the dressing room on a mission. Thank GAWD bra number two fit, so this bitch was in and out in a flash. Walking back through the mall my ass to note of conversations and interactions…ads and promotions…fashion and fucked up fashion.
The conversation that jumped out at a bitch was one between two emaciated young women outside of Torrid…the plus size vamp store with fantabulous punk wanna be stuff…
Emaciated Youth #1 with a serious attitude in her voice…"Oh my God! I can’t believe they make skirts that large!”
EY #2, following #1’s lead…"I know! It’s disgusting!”
EY #1…"I’d rather be dead!”
EY #2…"Oh God, me too!”
They then turned and walked away…a bitch assumes they had achieved their fill of hated or were moving on to Lane Bryant.
Anyway, while driving home a bitch was troubled by what these young women represent. Body image and weight are the new 'it' topics in America and clearly these young people were feeling the heat.
They were also emaciated, inarticulate, poor posture having, root displaying so my ass knows you ain't been blond for fucking months heifers from West County.
ABB’s Body Image Philosophical…
A bitch really likes my body. Really. There are cures and lumps and scars and various shades of brown. Fuck it…my ass likes it all! My associates from high school would be surprised the hear me say that, since this bitch hated my body back in the day. A size 7 and my ass was unhappy…Jesus, that’s so fucked up!
Anyhoo, with additional pounds and years of living this bitch has learned to love my body. Usually a bitch is pretty positive…except when bloated, but who can blame me.
But if you watch American television you would think a bitch should hate myself. Commercials feature tall and slim women. Plus size commercials are the worst…most of those women aren’t even large! And when the news turns to weight it’s always about disease, health problems and massive drama…oh God, America is soooo fat and those people should be sooo miserable!
Which sends the message that slim equals happy.
Which is bullshit…a bitch knows, because my ass has been both and everything in between.
Being healthy is important. Mental health, physical heath and spiritual balance are all important. But being physically fit doesn’t make you happy. Being plump doesn’t have to make you miserable.
This bitch has been single skinny and a bitch has been single large. My ass got jobs while thin and my ass got jobs while large...yeah, and a bitch lost jobs when thin and lost jobs when plump.
A lover cheated on my thin ass and other people’s lovers have tried to get with my large ass.
Get my drift? Need more?
Jennifer Anniston was left when her ass had 0% body fat. Oprah’s had Stedman through 10 dress sizes.
Get the fuck over this shit!
Fuck it.
Being healthy is a good goal and this time of year most people start making plans to get with a program in January. A bitch just wants to extend a dose of reality to all…
Life is short. Live your slice of it loving yourself! Throw your head back and live it, for the love of Gawd!
You better believe this full figured black woman will be living it up like a motherfucker…new bras and all…
Friday, November 18, 2005
Attack of the white girl sassy bob...
A bitch is so glad it’s the weekend!
My ass was going to post about the fucked up budget cuts that just passed the House of Representatives last night…Medicaid, Food Stamps and Financial Aid…but my blood pressure keeps spiking and this bitch may stroke out!
Fuckers.
So, a bitch is going to leave that for the weekend.
Moving forward…
Thanks for the gravy recipe! A bitch hates making gravy. There’s so much pressure involved and everyone has serious opinions on what is good and what is nasty! Shit. Anyway, a bitch will give it try!
A bitch has been thinking about black people’s hair today…
A bitch relaxed my hair for years. For all of you unfamiliar with black hair care products…a relaxer is a chemical process that straightens the ‘fro. This bitch, being raised by a black mother of a certain age, had my hair straightened as soon as my ass could walk. It used to be straightened with a hot comb…iron comb heated on the stove then run through my hair. Yeah, lots of fucking fun! At the age of 12 a bitch had my first relaxer.
My last relaxer was two weeks before my ass moved back home from Dallas.
If you relax…relax. If you don’t…don’t. A bitch could give a shit. Just don’t stand in front of my ass at the soul food restaurant and flip your relaxed shit at me! You’re lucky a bitch doesn’t snatch it off your head!
Shit, if a bitch wanted a white girl sassy bob my ass would still have a white girl sassy bob! This ‘fro ain’t a mistake, motherfucker! NOTE: A white girl sassy bob was the ideal when a bitch was in high school.
Now…a bitch understands that some people prefer to straighten their hair. Fine…whatever…go with Gawd. This bitch doesn’t give a shit. Just understand that my natural Afro is not an aggressive political statement against your shit.
Back off with that bullshit!
Whew!
Obviously, a bitch had an incident at Sweetie Pie's today. This bitch got in line to purchase some smothered pork. The woman in front of me had a full head of super relaxed so it didn’t have a single wave in it hair.
Now, why did Miz Thang turn around and look this bitch up and down then flip her hair…twice! What the fuck?
Get this…she then kept running her hand through her hair…which has always freaked me out. This bitch has this thing about people touching their hair constantly then wanting to shake hands…like my ass knows everything a bitch needs to know about your hair. Anyway, she’s flipping and tossing like this is a porn shoot not a soul food joint!
Ugh!
What the fuck?
This bitch walked back to the office thinking…just wear your shit and be happy, heifer.
…’cause you know my ass is happy as a motherfucker with my AFRO!
Anyhoo...Happy Friday!
My ass was going to post about the fucked up budget cuts that just passed the House of Representatives last night…Medicaid, Food Stamps and Financial Aid…but my blood pressure keeps spiking and this bitch may stroke out!
Fuckers.
So, a bitch is going to leave that for the weekend.
Moving forward…
Thanks for the gravy recipe! A bitch hates making gravy. There’s so much pressure involved and everyone has serious opinions on what is good and what is nasty! Shit. Anyway, a bitch will give it try!
A bitch has been thinking about black people’s hair today…
A bitch relaxed my hair for years. For all of you unfamiliar with black hair care products…a relaxer is a chemical process that straightens the ‘fro. This bitch, being raised by a black mother of a certain age, had my hair straightened as soon as my ass could walk. It used to be straightened with a hot comb…iron comb heated on the stove then run through my hair. Yeah, lots of fucking fun! At the age of 12 a bitch had my first relaxer.
My last relaxer was two weeks before my ass moved back home from Dallas.
If you relax…relax. If you don’t…don’t. A bitch could give a shit. Just don’t stand in front of my ass at the soul food restaurant and flip your relaxed shit at me! You’re lucky a bitch doesn’t snatch it off your head!
Shit, if a bitch wanted a white girl sassy bob my ass would still have a white girl sassy bob! This ‘fro ain’t a mistake, motherfucker! NOTE: A white girl sassy bob was the ideal when a bitch was in high school.
Now…a bitch understands that some people prefer to straighten their hair. Fine…whatever…go with Gawd. This bitch doesn’t give a shit. Just understand that my natural Afro is not an aggressive political statement against your shit.
Back off with that bullshit!
Whew!
Obviously, a bitch had an incident at Sweetie Pie's today. This bitch got in line to purchase some smothered pork. The woman in front of me had a full head of super relaxed so it didn’t have a single wave in it hair.
Now, why did Miz Thang turn around and look this bitch up and down then flip her hair…twice! What the fuck?
Get this…she then kept running her hand through her hair…which has always freaked me out. This bitch has this thing about people touching their hair constantly then wanting to shake hands…like my ass knows everything a bitch needs to know about your hair. Anyway, she’s flipping and tossing like this is a porn shoot not a soul food joint!
Ugh!
What the fuck?
This bitch walked back to the office thinking…just wear your shit and be happy, heifer.
…’cause you know my ass is happy as a motherfucker with my AFRO!
Anyhoo...Happy Friday!
UPDATED By Request...Corn Casserole Yumminess...
By request...
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees...best of luck if you are in Denver, because a bitch has no idea how you chil'ren bake up there...in all that snow...with bears roaming about!
This and many other yummified recipes can be found at Turdmania at the Eatateria...
ABB's Corn Casserole Yumminess...
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 can creamed corn
2 eggs, beaten
1 box Jiffy Corn Muffin mix
1 stick butter, melted (or 1/2 c. oil)
1 c. sour cream
1/4 - 1/2 tsp. garlic powder (opt.)
Shredded cheese (opt.)
Mix all ingredients except cheese. Sprinkle shredded cheese on top, if desired. Bake in casserole dish or 9"x13" baking dish for 30 to 45 minutes or until fully cooked in center.Yum!
Enjoy!
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees...best of luck if you are in Denver, because a bitch has no idea how you chil'ren bake up there...in all that snow...with bears roaming about!
This and many other yummified recipes can be found at Turdmania at the Eatateria...
ABB's Corn Casserole Yumminess...
1 can whole kernel corn, drained
1 can creamed corn
2 eggs, beaten
1 box Jiffy Corn Muffin mix
1 stick butter, melted (or 1/2 c. oil)
1 c. sour cream
1/4 - 1/2 tsp. garlic powder (opt.)
Shredded cheese (opt.)
Mix all ingredients except cheese. Sprinkle shredded cheese on top, if desired. Bake in casserole dish or 9"x13" baking dish for 30 to 45 minutes or until fully cooked in center.Yum!
Enjoy!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
ABB's Thanksgiving Holiday Preparations...
A bitch is in prep. mode for the upcoming Thanksgiving Holiday.
The holiday season is an emotional one for many, including this bitch. My ass will get worked up about family shit, stress out about the meal and then dissolve into a gluttonous feeding frenzy that will last until 2006. Gawd, a bitch is predictable!
Anyhoo, a bitch is working on the menu. A bitch’s sister, ever the dynamic one in our family, has ordered a turducken. A bitch had never even heard of such a thing, but apparently they are rather popular. Turkey stuffed with duck and chicken and then stuffing. Who knew? Anyway, this turducken will he arriving today.
The ABB Thanksgiving Holiday Menu…
Turducken
Turkey breasts just in case the turducken is foul…pun intended
Corn Bread Stuffing just in case the turducken stuffin' is foul
Collard Greens
Yummy Corn Casserole
A leafy Green Salad loaded with veggies
Some sort of roll-like things
Gravy…Gawd, my ass hates making gravy
Apple Pie…make from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Sweet Potato Pie…made from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Chocolate Cake…made by a bitch’s sister for our brother Bill
Cookies…because a bitch’s sister lives on cookies and makes them with butter
Okay…on to the beverages!
wine
Vodka
Cran
Grape Cran
Soda pop
7-Up for upset tummy
Sam Adam’s Winter Lager (in season and a bitch’s sisters fav.)
Diet Coke
Coffee
Meds…
Excedrin…’cause family will be involved, which means a headache isn’t far away.
Motrin…just in case we get a visit from you know who…
Claritin…every fucking day, baby!
Sudafed…’cause a bitch’s sister loaded up in NYC!
Benadryl…’cause someone will break out from something…
Whew…
Entertainment…
In honor of the holiday season a bitch must have a few good flicks!
Incident at Oglala - The Leonard Peltier Story…so a bitch can keep this Thanksgiving thang in perspective.
Ordinary People…continuing the Redford directorial theme, so a bitch can induce a good moody cry and get it out of the fucking way.
A Christmas Story…oh come on, this is the best movie EVER! You’ll shoot your fucking eye out! Fantabulous!
The Crucible…Gawd, a bitch just adores those Puritans!
Eyes on the Prize…so a bitch can maintain my militant edge.
Hmmm…that should hold a bitch. Keep in mind, my ass has to get some writing in too.
Let the festivities begin!
The holiday season is an emotional one for many, including this bitch. My ass will get worked up about family shit, stress out about the meal and then dissolve into a gluttonous feeding frenzy that will last until 2006. Gawd, a bitch is predictable!
Anyhoo, a bitch is working on the menu. A bitch’s sister, ever the dynamic one in our family, has ordered a turducken. A bitch had never even heard of such a thing, but apparently they are rather popular. Turkey stuffed with duck and chicken and then stuffing. Who knew? Anyway, this turducken will he arriving today.
The ABB Thanksgiving Holiday Menu…
Turducken
Turkey breasts just in case the turducken is foul…pun intended
Corn Bread Stuffing just in case the turducken stuffin' is foul
Collard Greens
Yummy Corn Casserole
A leafy Green Salad loaded with veggies
Some sort of roll-like things
Gravy…Gawd, my ass hates making gravy
Apple Pie…make from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Sweet Potato Pie…made from scratch by a bitch’s sister
Chocolate Cake…made by a bitch’s sister for our brother Bill
Cookies…because a bitch’s sister lives on cookies and makes them with butter
Okay…on to the beverages!
wine
Vodka
Cran
Grape Cran
Soda pop
7-Up for upset tummy
Sam Adam’s Winter Lager (in season and a bitch’s sisters fav.)
Diet Coke
Coffee
Meds…
Excedrin…’cause family will be involved, which means a headache isn’t far away.
Motrin…just in case we get a visit from you know who…
Claritin…every fucking day, baby!
Sudafed…’cause a bitch’s sister loaded up in NYC!
Benadryl…’cause someone will break out from something…
Whew…
Entertainment…
In honor of the holiday season a bitch must have a few good flicks!
Incident at Oglala - The Leonard Peltier Story…so a bitch can keep this Thanksgiving thang in perspective.
Ordinary People…continuing the Redford directorial theme, so a bitch can induce a good moody cry and get it out of the fucking way.
A Christmas Story…oh come on, this is the best movie EVER! You’ll shoot your fucking eye out! Fantabulous!
The Crucible…Gawd, a bitch just adores those Puritans!
Eyes on the Prize…so a bitch can maintain my militant edge.
Hmmm…that should hold a bitch. Keep in mind, my ass has to get some writing in too.
Let the festivities begin!
Leaving chil'ren behind...
A bitch is thrilled! My ass now knows of three stay at home Papas…one in Sweden (that would be my favorite Angry Swede, P.O.P.) and a bitch is pretty sure the others are North American. Fantabulous!
This bitch is still on the topic of parenting. No, my ass isn’t pregnant! Jesus! A bitch knows there was that rumor going on within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks that my ass was expecting the Anti Christ, but let me assure everyone that a bitch was just bloated.
Anyhoo…parenting!
Missouri lawmakers, desperate to tackle the huge issues facing the state, have decided to launch an attack on gays…again. Yep, they are certain that gay Missourians should not be foster parents and that by denying gays the right to foster Missouri chil’ren they will address our mounting healthcare crisis, monumental meth drama, laughable public education system, rising STD crisis, fucked up to hell and back roads, stagnant job market and general Midwestern blahs. Yeah…the top issue in 2006 has just gotta be gays as foster parents!
This bitch is fucking pissed off that, with all the problems facing Missouri, our legislators have decided to waste time and my fucking money waging another war against the Missouri LGBT community. This is such a fucked up wedge issue…but it’s just the kind of wedge your average sanctified Missourian will dive at.
It’s important that people understand the special circumstances in Missouri regarding foster care…
The meth factor…
Missouri is America’s meth factory. We lead the nation in production of meth and it has been devastating Missouri communities for years. Since meth is a hard habit to kick, our social services have been overwhelmed with the number of chil’ren thrown into foster care while their parents try to kick to habit or serve their time. There are entire towns that have the majority of their chil’ren in the system. The meth factor isn’t going away tomorrow, so Missourians will need to brace for a multi-year foster care crisis.
The 'I want a Child from my own womb' factor…
A bitch has a really good friend who adopted her child from the state. She was able to complete the process rather quickly, because she was willing to adopt a child of color (she is white), she’s straight and married and she was willing to adopt a child with special needs. Great kid, by the way. Anyway, her adoption experience is rare in a state that has too few blond and blue-eyed babies eligible for adoption and too many brown on brown babies languishing in foster care.
Now, a bitch understands wanting a child the old fashioned way. My ass understands wanting a child that looks like you and maybe shares some of your ethnic history. Lawd knows this bitch has concerns about brown chil'ren being raised outside of our culture...but then again, my ass has seen it work beautifully...just as long as the childs hair isn't tore up and they learn the value of lotion...well, shit there's more to it than that, but it does take some extra work to raise a child of color when that isn't your history. Anyway...since my family has a history of illness, anxiety, general craziness and what we like to call colorful personalities…well, my ass isn’t exactly running a risk should a bitch adopt.
At any rate, there’s not exactly a run of other people's chil’ren in Missouri.
The fuck this shit, my ass is going to buy some sperm and skip the drama factor…
Many gays and lesbians choose this route. Shit, many straights choose it too. A bitch has several friends who either found a surrogate or found some sperm. They still faced some legal drama to establish dual parental rights, but nothing like the brave individuals who are now taking on the state of Missouri in an attempt to foster or adopt.
All of these factors and many more bleed together across America. One would think, in an anti-abortion state like Missouri, groups would be eager to encourage adoption and foster care. One of the leading reasons women opt not to go the adoption route is the concern that their child will languish in foster care and never find a permanent home. But here, in a state that pontificates about valuing life, there is an organized effort underway to make gay foster care impossible.
A bitch is disgusted, because this effort will deny many chil’ren a loving home.
A bitch is disgusted, because there are so many chil’ren who are being used as a political punching bag by the conservative right…the same conservatives who don’t have any fucking foster kids, have three divorces under their belts and probably kick puppies when no one if looking.
A bitch is disgusted, because our foster care system is in a crisis that will only get worse…so this attack on the LGBT community is beyond insulting in a time when more and more chil’ren enter the system.
And a bitch is disgusted because my state is leaving so many chil’ren behind…all in the name of Gawd.
To find out more about this emerging battle in Missouri & find out what you can do, check out this web site for PROMO.
To find out more about what may be happening in your state, you can start with this web site for HRC.
For information about foster care in Missouri, check this site out.
Get active and be vocal, because no one wins when chil'ren are left behind...
This bitch is still on the topic of parenting. No, my ass isn’t pregnant! Jesus! A bitch knows there was that rumor going on within the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks that my ass was expecting the Anti Christ, but let me assure everyone that a bitch was just bloated.
Anyhoo…parenting!
Missouri lawmakers, desperate to tackle the huge issues facing the state, have decided to launch an attack on gays…again. Yep, they are certain that gay Missourians should not be foster parents and that by denying gays the right to foster Missouri chil’ren they will address our mounting healthcare crisis, monumental meth drama, laughable public education system, rising STD crisis, fucked up to hell and back roads, stagnant job market and general Midwestern blahs. Yeah…the top issue in 2006 has just gotta be gays as foster parents!
This bitch is fucking pissed off that, with all the problems facing Missouri, our legislators have decided to waste time and my fucking money waging another war against the Missouri LGBT community. This is such a fucked up wedge issue…but it’s just the kind of wedge your average sanctified Missourian will dive at.
It’s important that people understand the special circumstances in Missouri regarding foster care…
The meth factor…
Missouri is America’s meth factory. We lead the nation in production of meth and it has been devastating Missouri communities for years. Since meth is a hard habit to kick, our social services have been overwhelmed with the number of chil’ren thrown into foster care while their parents try to kick to habit or serve their time. There are entire towns that have the majority of their chil’ren in the system. The meth factor isn’t going away tomorrow, so Missourians will need to brace for a multi-year foster care crisis.
The 'I want a Child from my own womb' factor…
A bitch has a really good friend who adopted her child from the state. She was able to complete the process rather quickly, because she was willing to adopt a child of color (she is white), she’s straight and married and she was willing to adopt a child with special needs. Great kid, by the way. Anyway, her adoption experience is rare in a state that has too few blond and blue-eyed babies eligible for adoption and too many brown on brown babies languishing in foster care.
Now, a bitch understands wanting a child the old fashioned way. My ass understands wanting a child that looks like you and maybe shares some of your ethnic history. Lawd knows this bitch has concerns about brown chil'ren being raised outside of our culture...but then again, my ass has seen it work beautifully...just as long as the childs hair isn't tore up and they learn the value of lotion...well, shit there's more to it than that, but it does take some extra work to raise a child of color when that isn't your history. Anyway...since my family has a history of illness, anxiety, general craziness and what we like to call colorful personalities…well, my ass isn’t exactly running a risk should a bitch adopt.
At any rate, there’s not exactly a run of other people's chil’ren in Missouri.
The fuck this shit, my ass is going to buy some sperm and skip the drama factor…
Many gays and lesbians choose this route. Shit, many straights choose it too. A bitch has several friends who either found a surrogate or found some sperm. They still faced some legal drama to establish dual parental rights, but nothing like the brave individuals who are now taking on the state of Missouri in an attempt to foster or adopt.
All of these factors and many more bleed together across America. One would think, in an anti-abortion state like Missouri, groups would be eager to encourage adoption and foster care. One of the leading reasons women opt not to go the adoption route is the concern that their child will languish in foster care and never find a permanent home. But here, in a state that pontificates about valuing life, there is an organized effort underway to make gay foster care impossible.
A bitch is disgusted, because this effort will deny many chil’ren a loving home.
A bitch is disgusted, because there are so many chil’ren who are being used as a political punching bag by the conservative right…the same conservatives who don’t have any fucking foster kids, have three divorces under their belts and probably kick puppies when no one if looking.
A bitch is disgusted, because our foster care system is in a crisis that will only get worse…so this attack on the LGBT community is beyond insulting in a time when more and more chil’ren enter the system.
And a bitch is disgusted because my state is leaving so many chil’ren behind…all in the name of Gawd.
To find out more about this emerging battle in Missouri & find out what you can do, check out this web site for PROMO.
To find out more about what may be happening in your state, you can start with this web site for HRC.
For information about foster care in Missouri, check this site out.
Get active and be vocal, because no one wins when chil'ren are left behind...
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
To work or not to work...
A bitch would like to comment on a story that ran on the Today Show a few days ago.
Someone did another study on mothers staying at home for the chil’ren and how many women are choosing to do so.
Fine.
The Today Show ran a segment that mentioned the economic reasons mothers stay home, the emotional decision to go back to work post childbirth and the benefits of staying at home.
Okay.
Now a bitch has a few things to say about this topic. No, my ass doesn’t have chil’ren and no my ass isn’t faced with this issue personally. However, a bitch is fucking tired of this shit!
Every six months or so one of these studies comes out and all the mothers my ass knows freak out or get smug. Some of the studies say staying at home is better for the chil’ren and some say that a child can benefit from daycare. All of them freak parents the fuck out.
A bitch believes strongly that each situation has to be dealt with individually.
For example, my mother stayed at home when we were chil’ren. My brother is the oldest and it was impossible for her to work and take care of a hyperactive autistic child. She volunteered at area organizations and even worked part time, but she didn’t return to the full time scene while we were at home.
Some may say that was a blessing. This bitch has to keep it real…my mother is insane and having her at home being insane wasn’t any fucking blessing!
Now, my ass has friends who had working mothers and they had a great childhood. Some of my friends had stay at home mothers and they had pretty good childhoods too. But it’s a case-by-case deal and there are no guarantees.
All you have to do is look at the typical overscheduled stressed out middle class suburban kid. Jesus, those chil’ren are begging for their mothers to go back to work!
And what ever happened to fathers staying at home? Shit, my ass only knows one and he lives in Sweden!
Oh and the guilt! It’s awful to observe. Several of my friends are working mothers who have literally cried over the decision to put their child in daycare!
For the record, the option of staying at home is fucking new. My ancestors used to crank out a baby and return to the fields the next day…or so my ass has been told. In the history of our country, women have always worked. We have not been paid an equal wage, but we've fucking worked since day one. Staying at home is a job...trust. Women work. The issue here is whether to work outside of the home or not. The notion that entire generations were raised in neglectful homes because of it is bullshit.
Either way, kids did okay or they didn't because of a whole lot of factors.
As the child of a stay at home mother, my ass often wished my mother had returned to work. She was alone and troubled. She poured herself into our lives because we were her everything. And when we matured she resisted that…it was like emotional downsizing. Not all stay at home mothers behave that way. Like my ass said…this is an individual decision.
Families thrive when the individuals that make them up are fulfilled. Chil’ren benefit when their parents are active, engaged and happy. Trust my ass on this shit. So, if working makes you happy and you are able to swing some decent daycare then go with Gawd and fucking work. And if you are more fulfilled at home…stay at home!
This isn’t and should be made into a judgment thing. This bitch sees fucked up kids from both sides of the argument.
Shit…
Someone did another study on mothers staying at home for the chil’ren and how many women are choosing to do so.
Fine.
The Today Show ran a segment that mentioned the economic reasons mothers stay home, the emotional decision to go back to work post childbirth and the benefits of staying at home.
Okay.
Now a bitch has a few things to say about this topic. No, my ass doesn’t have chil’ren and no my ass isn’t faced with this issue personally. However, a bitch is fucking tired of this shit!
Every six months or so one of these studies comes out and all the mothers my ass knows freak out or get smug. Some of the studies say staying at home is better for the chil’ren and some say that a child can benefit from daycare. All of them freak parents the fuck out.
A bitch believes strongly that each situation has to be dealt with individually.
For example, my mother stayed at home when we were chil’ren. My brother is the oldest and it was impossible for her to work and take care of a hyperactive autistic child. She volunteered at area organizations and even worked part time, but she didn’t return to the full time scene while we were at home.
Some may say that was a blessing. This bitch has to keep it real…my mother is insane and having her at home being insane wasn’t any fucking blessing!
Now, my ass has friends who had working mothers and they had a great childhood. Some of my friends had stay at home mothers and they had pretty good childhoods too. But it’s a case-by-case deal and there are no guarantees.
All you have to do is look at the typical overscheduled stressed out middle class suburban kid. Jesus, those chil’ren are begging for their mothers to go back to work!
And what ever happened to fathers staying at home? Shit, my ass only knows one and he lives in Sweden!
Oh and the guilt! It’s awful to observe. Several of my friends are working mothers who have literally cried over the decision to put their child in daycare!
For the record, the option of staying at home is fucking new. My ancestors used to crank out a baby and return to the fields the next day…or so my ass has been told. In the history of our country, women have always worked. We have not been paid an equal wage, but we've fucking worked since day one. Staying at home is a job...trust. Women work. The issue here is whether to work outside of the home or not. The notion that entire generations were raised in neglectful homes because of it is bullshit.
Either way, kids did okay or they didn't because of a whole lot of factors.
As the child of a stay at home mother, my ass often wished my mother had returned to work. She was alone and troubled. She poured herself into our lives because we were her everything. And when we matured she resisted that…it was like emotional downsizing. Not all stay at home mothers behave that way. Like my ass said…this is an individual decision.
Families thrive when the individuals that make them up are fulfilled. Chil’ren benefit when their parents are active, engaged and happy. Trust my ass on this shit. So, if working makes you happy and you are able to swing some decent daycare then go with Gawd and fucking work. And if you are more fulfilled at home…stay at home!
This isn’t and should be made into a judgment thing. This bitch sees fucked up kids from both sides of the argument.
Shit…
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