tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post1981375437287052698..comments2024-01-17T15:05:50.120-06:00Comments on AngryBlackBitch: A venting…Shark-Fuhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03323962708956637012noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-85865329308669776812009-12-23T09:04:24.279-06:002009-12-23T09:04:24.279-06:00Thank you for telling this story. I admire and ap...Thank you for telling this story. I admire and appreciate you so much, Shark-Fu. I keep adding stuff and then deleting it, so I'll just say thank you again and leave it at that. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-19804405335696506772009-12-23T09:04:03.800-06:002009-12-23T09:04:03.800-06:00Thank you for telling this story. I admire and ap...Thank you for telling this story. I admire and appreciate you so much, Shark-Fu. I keep adding stuff and then deleting it, so I'll just say thank you again and leave it at that. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-25073608471802967772009-12-21T09:09:07.271-06:002009-12-21T09:09:07.271-06:00As someone who is going through disengagement righ...As someone who is going through disengagement right now, this was so good to read. I never actually told my father that I didn't want to be part of his life anymore, I just stopped making any contact or accepting any calls. He still emails me and tries to add me on social networking sites; I delete both. But there are so many people who do not understand, and I do (as someone said above) love him without liking him, and it's hard. So thank you, and everyone else in this thread, for letting me know that it is okay, that I'm not crazy or ungrateful, and that I have made the right decision.EHRhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10124553610422742225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-27659629154170859992009-12-21T01:24:46.823-06:002009-12-21T01:24:46.823-06:00I was online looking at a video of a child taking ...I was online looking at a video of a child taking a typing test one minute ago and ended up seeing a ABB link and here I am the next. Wow to everything I've read so far.<br /><br />My Mom physically & mentally tortured me daily for the first 18 years of my life. She even beat me for getting good grades. I left her for college we rarely talked since. I had a very successful 30 year career after putting my history of her out of my thoughts. She left me scarred for life but didn't break me like she wanted. I'm 50 years old, she recently died. I had to clean out her house and bury her. I found a box of 300 family photos. I was in two of them. I learned this week that I have Asperger's (and always had since being a 2 year old boy). This was good news. I'm proud of myself for beating the odds without any one's help. My diagnosis came about because for the past 2 years I've been in therapy and finally had the will to tell my shrinks what I've gone through to survive this far. <br /><br />My only regret is that I didn't know to call the police when I was a child. I told no one anything but several neighbors and teachers knew something was wrong but they did nothing. My mother was popular in the community, a Sunday School teacher. [I believe that you ABB are wise and selfless, not selfish, in what you do. Thanks]ejackson21stnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-72432517293487434752009-12-19T00:26:00.404-06:002009-12-19T00:26:00.404-06:00Thanks. I made the same decision and keep my moth...Thanks. I made the same decision and keep my mother at a healthy distance. I appreciate the validation and applaud you! God Bless, you and the family.Mermamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17332326588749011354noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-44869207354035816452009-12-17T04:02:13.948-06:002009-12-17T04:02:13.948-06:00I'm late to comment but your post struck a cho...I'm late to comment but your post struck a chord with me, too. It's not my mother but my sister that I am estranged from. I just couldn't carry the toxic load anymore. Like you I made the decision to disenage and moved on without any guilt. I feel so much better, it has been almost 20 years. I forgave her for the over 20 years of emtional abuse I endured. She no longer has any control over my emotions.Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13334764170421422793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-88957686551896493262009-12-16T16:43:51.945-06:002009-12-16T16:43:51.945-06:00ddj just read this rant. It never ceases to amaze ...ddj just read this rant. It never ceases to amaze me to see a piece of my story. For the first time it feels good that I know there are others out there with the some of the same issues and experiences. Think about the young women in the middle of it now and how much they need that one person to say how much someone loves them. Just one person. So folks-see a child tell them they are loved. We never know whats happening in their live and what those words might do for their day. Peace.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12693421387105972530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-82780663266065501862009-12-16T03:18:39.274-06:002009-12-16T03:18:39.274-06:00Thanks, Bitch. This one hit home.
Trick RazorThanks, Bitch. This one hit home.<br /><br />Trick RazorAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-21674211342307930042009-12-15T12:02:25.368-06:002009-12-15T12:02:25.368-06:00Love this post, and your honesty! [raising PBR bot...Love this post, and your honesty! [raising PBR bottle] Here's to you!<br /><br />My sister and I broke ties with our dad's family after his death (long-ass story) in 1997, and have seen them once since then, at our grandmother's funeral. They're a lot like your mom, and caused us so much grief, shame, and heartbreak...and life is so much better now that we don't have to deal with their toxic messes. <br /><br />I'm so glad you found the strength to cut loose from your mom and her drama, Shark-Fu. Robin nailed it when she commented, "Your post was very honest and life affirming. We estranged daughters are a stoic and often misunderstood tribe. Thank you for the gift of comfort and understanding." :-)<br /><br />(((hugs)))Miss Kittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13210249894351503887noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-19886737731749874882009-12-15T09:42:26.395-06:002009-12-15T09:42:26.395-06:00You are right. You are amazing. Reconciliation i...You are right. You are amazing. Reconciliation is highly overrated.<br /><br />The Hallmark-tearful-reunion-moment pressure gets dialed up to eleven when estranged mama and her sidekick, estranged oldest sister, both have breast cancer. I keep opening my heart and peeking inside to check whether it would be more poisonous to talk with them or to keep silent, and so far silence is still the healthier choice.<br /><br />Thank you for posting this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-73392423140186343572009-12-15T00:57:01.514-06:002009-12-15T00:57:01.514-06:00Shark-Fu,
You and I corresponded briefly long ago...Shark-Fu,<br /><br />You and I corresponded briefly long ago. I was a fan in the early days and hoped to meet you during a trip to ATL. It didn't happen due to my schedule issues, but I have a special request...<br /><br />Please make the distancing-oneself-from-toxic-family-even-if-it-is-'gasp'-your-mother a regular holiday topic. Seasonal depression can be tough and feeling left out of the Norman Rockwell picture of Christmas bliss really sucks.<br /><br />Your post was very honest and life affirming. We estranged daughters are a stoic and often misunderstood tribe. Thank you for the gift of comfort and understanding.<br /><br />-RobinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-27252859108839720272009-12-14T20:45:32.778-06:002009-12-14T20:45:32.778-06:00You won't get any dreamy obsession about a Hal...You won't get any dreamy obsession about a Hallmark reunion from me. I've been estranged from my father for a decade. And have no plans to reconcile. <br /><br />I don't understand why certain people always want to put the onus on the adult children in these situations to forgive and forget and overcome, etc., to "fix" broken relationships with their parents. As if the parent's behavior had not caused the rift in the first place. I got over the guilt when I realized that even though I was the one who broke off contact, my father chose, and continues to choose each day, to be estranged from ME, when he chooses to continue certain behaviors. Not the other way around.<br /><br />Sane children do not stop talking to their parents unless they have a damn good reason.<br /><br />Anyway, I think you are handling this situation appropriately and with grace, and I hope it turns out as well as possible.Jaelithehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12081888212421953409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-91187080010442486602009-12-14T20:33:37.567-06:002009-12-14T20:33:37.567-06:00Toxic ppl can come from all areas of the family; I...Toxic ppl can come from all areas of the family; I am dealing with a toxic dgt. that wants in my face, but can't hold her rancid comments for a few minutes at a time. Truth is, you can't make someone like you or even love u. I finally had to tell her 'if u can't find some good in me as a human being, then why are u bothering me?' Sometimes the freedom of finally cutting it lose means more than peace...no matter what society says. Merry Christmas Shark..may u have much fun & many blessings!L. Jacksonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-21596448945090667172009-12-14T17:03:57.611-06:002009-12-14T17:03:57.611-06:00I can now look back and honestly say my folks did ...I can now look back and honestly say my folks did the best they could with what they had to work with at the time. They gave me the intelligence and bone-deep stubbornness that has made me the person I am today. They also passed along a lot of less-positive personality traits, but the Bible says I must honor them; it is silent on whether I have to like them or not.<br /><br />Stay strong within yourself, Little Sister, and remember that "Family" encompasses relatives of choice as well as blood. My closest family member (other than the Dearly Beloved) is my adopted cousin who passed from breast cancer almost 10 years ago. She loved us without judging and is sorely deeply missed.<br /><br />(big hug of encouragement and switching topics how 'BOUT those Blues?)Rileysdtrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-23392704553370695732009-12-14T16:20:31.634-06:002009-12-14T16:20:31.634-06:00Thanks for the book tip.
I can also recommend The...Thanks for the book tip.<br /><br />I can also recommend The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout.Shark-Fuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03323962708956637012noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-47095087553998453952009-12-14T15:53:43.279-06:002009-12-14T15:53:43.279-06:00My sympathies and congratulations on dealing with ...My sympathies and congratulations on dealing with it as well as you have. I didn't have that trouble. We had our conflicts like everyone; I was a late-life child and my mom may have been going through menopause when I hit puberty, which might have caused some moments. But nothing like what I'm seeing here. She was a great mom.<br /><br />On the other hand, my partner of 28+ years had an abusive father who made his childhood a nightmare. It has an impact on a relationship and it's been some hard work at times. He told me plenty about it, but it took me a long time for it to sink in how bad it had been and was making things. <br /><br />Some years ago, I came across a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and bought him a copy (probably when 1st ed. came out around 1989) and gave it to him without too much comment. I don't really know if he read it but I think he might have and maybe it helped (something did, if only "mellowing" with age.<br /><br />The book must have something going for it -- there are a whole bunch of printings/editions in a dozen languages or so and is still in print, the paperback at least. Many hundreds of libraries have it. It gets a 4+ star rating on Amazon. <br /><br />Not to use your blog to plug a book, sorry if I overstepped. Nothing in it for me, just thought some might want to check it out.<br /><br />Thanks, shark-fu.Metzengersteinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-9704204237079255282009-12-14T15:12:06.322-06:002009-12-14T15:12:06.322-06:00Thank you all of you for your encouragement and fo...Thank you all of you for your encouragement and for sharing! <br /><br />Y'all are amazing...just amazing.<br /><br />Fresh Hell, Texas - me and Angela Davis too (wink). Go Judges and good luck to your son.Shark-Fuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03323962708956637012noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-71646525855089896062009-12-14T14:41:22.102-06:002009-12-14T14:41:22.102-06:00Delurking to say, thanks for this amazing post &am...Delurking to say, thanks for this amazing post & congratulations for weathering the hell that you describe. I haven't spoken to my father in nearly 7 years, and I know exactly what you mean about how the world wants a tear-filled reunion. The reality is, I gave that guy more than one second chance, and he blew them all.landismomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10328094347362872558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-25683135601322843192009-12-14T14:40:15.119-06:002009-12-14T14:40:15.119-06:00That reaction that people have when they find out ...That reaction that people have when they find out a woman is estranged from her mother is near universal and it's beyond irritating.<br /><br />My mother and I were estranged from several years (last straw? she disowned me a few weeks before my Marine husband left for Iraq. that woman has to be the center of attention.) <br /><br />Those years were awesome in terms of mental health. I had not realized how much damn energy I was putting into the whole mess. I found a great therapist who understood that the Hallmark moment was not to be.<br /><br />I am in limited contact with her now, by choice. But it could have gone (may still go) the way of no contact and that is fine, too. I have my family that I love that consists of relatives and friends and we are enough. <br /><br />I'm glad you've got your family too.<br /><br />Kathleen<br /><br />PS My son is sending in his Brandeis application tomorrow. You are yet another reason I'm happy he is applying!Fresh Hell, Texashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15598947126508453031noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-87871198716482151102009-12-14T14:32:39.269-06:002009-12-14T14:32:39.269-06:00I'm going to print out your post and save it, ...I'm going to print out your post and save it, maybe copy it and mail it off to my sister. "It hit home". I'm so sorry you had to have this sort of drama at this time of year, but really, there's never a "good" time of the year for it to happen anyway.<br /><br />I just deleted what I've been through, you don't need to have to read that on top of the crap you're already dealing with.<br /><br />I just wanted to thank you though for taking the time to write out what you did, and for you to know that there are so many of us out there who wish we had your same courage and who maybe are a little strengthed now by your post.FlamencoKittyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09815937096300900199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-17425604447195531092009-12-14T13:27:51.220-06:002009-12-14T13:27:51.220-06:00i've figured one thing out about estrangements...i've figured one thing out about estrangements from one's parents.. the flak i sometimes get is caused by jealousy and nothing more. jealousy that i had the courage to throw up my hands and say no fucking more (!), and walk away from my father and all his manufactured drama. i know a lot of people who would probably be better off w/o at least one of their parents in their lives, yet they lack the courage to do something about it. sometimes it's better to be an orphan of one's own making than to be shackled to the pain and misery of a parent.<br /><br />today's blog was an exceptional read shark-fu. i am not seven years into my estrangement and your story tells me that healing and being able to take care of myself better is possible. thank you.jOoLzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02608527500388715596noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-62409315357514406642009-12-14T13:14:59.242-06:002009-12-14T13:14:59.242-06:00Congrats for getting it down in words and telling ...Congrats for getting it down in words and telling the truth. <br /><br />I had a similar parent, and went through a special kind of hell during college when feminists demanded I "celebrate" my toxic mother. <br /><br />Argh. Ovaries aren't enough.KChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08241556587624969142noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-79165442222027849482009-12-14T12:35:01.665-06:002009-12-14T12:35:01.665-06:00I don't know why there's so much pressure ...I don't know why there's so much pressure for people to continue toxic relationships with parents well past the breaking point. I guess it probably goes back to the 10 commandments or something, but it needs to end. You have my sympathies for all you've gone through, and I just wanted to express support for you doing what you have to do to save your own sanity. Parents should not have a right to guilt children into accepting abuse.<br /><br />I just really admire the strength it took to survive this.Amanda Marcottehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05098500818240791320noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-11252840127800426252009-12-14T10:32:38.441-06:002009-12-14T10:32:38.441-06:00Smile.Smile.Happytwohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13347027236426393698noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10755833.post-68877134565978150782009-12-14T10:26:20.195-06:002009-12-14T10:26:20.195-06:00Shark-Fu,
I'm so sorry for all of your mama dr...Shark-Fu,<br />I'm so sorry for all of your mama drama and that she has decided to pop up again, especially now right before the holidays (and they wonder why folk get so stressed this time of year). It makes a body ashamed for not being more appreciative of one's sane Mama, who I occasionally have issues with but who has been really good to me, so I have to give her a big thank you hug for being sane. I want to send you, C-Money and Bill a BIG VIRTUAL HUG for not getting the Mama you all really deserved and I hope that her toxicity does not hurt the three of you again.<br /><br />You are such a strong, smart, funny, progressive excellent black woman and if your Mama can't see that, well, that is her loss. <br /><br />Merry Christma-hana-kwanzika to you the sorta-Beagles, Bill and C-Money!LisaMJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18063083954078964292noreply@blogger.com