Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Hello darkness, my old friend…

A bitch had the strangest dream last night.

Not quite a dream-based correction…no, it was more of a political exorcism.

Note for the uninitiated – a bitch’s dream-based exorcisms/corrections are in no way a reflection of shit she’d like to do for real and should not be taken as truth since…well, shit they’re dream-based.

Shall I share?

Oh, do I dare (wink)?

Alright then!

A bitch stumbled into sleep after listening to some sort of political gossip claiming that non-other than Senator Joe Lieberman was on the short list to be Senator McCain’s Veep.

That must have been on my mind, because my first sleep-based vision was of Senator Lieberman tied to a padded bed in a bedroom that was fucking freezing...see your own breath in the air freezing...slap your own face then pray for a quick death freezing...mmmhmmm COLD!
Shit, if this bitch had known my dream was going to involve cold ass temps I wouldn’t have worn my fantabulous leather bustiere (my dream, my fashion)…or at least I would have brought a fierce as hell cape into dreamland with me.

Sneeze.

Anyhoo, I approached the bed only to see Lieberman’s head spin completely around in a full circle! He then opened his mouth and spewed forth pea soup.

His head then lolled and he mumbled… “I’m a featured speaker at the RNC! I’m gonna be V.P.… Me!! Veep Me, Veep Me, Veep Me!!”

“Motherfucker, have you lost your damned mind?” I asked.

“In this era of uncertainty and conflict, the United States - blessed with the world's strongest military, most ingenious economy, and most tolerant society - remains a model and leader to the world.”

“What?” demanded this bitch, stepping back from the stank of rancid pea soup.

“This is an exciting time. I believe we stand at the edge of a new age - a Golden Age - of freedom that will rival any of the great eras of world history because it will be the entire world itself that is changing!” Lieberman shouted, then spun his head again.

A bitch paused and surveyed the scene.

“You know what, I don’t think you require a correction. This isn’t the average misbehaving. No, I think you may be possessed of the devil!”

More pea soup issued from his mouth.

A bitch quickly pulled out my Devil Possession Check List.

What?
Oh, as if you don’t have one.
Let's see...

Head spinning?

Check!

Cold as hell room?

Check!

Adoration of fiendish conservatives bent on making babies cry, scaring kittens and the destruction of free societies?

Check!

Pea soup stanktified nastiness?

Check!

“Mmmmhmm, you’ve signed your name in the devil’s book!” a bitch declared.

I quickly pulled out my vial of sanctified vodka cran (wink) and began to spritz it over Lieberman’s covered form.

“The power of progress compels you! The power of progress compels you!” a bitch chanted, only to see Lieberman’s body levitate slowly and rise almost to the ceiling.

“Holy shit!” a bitch stepped back and collided with none other than Al Gore!

“Holy shit!” I repeated.

“Girl, you are wasting your time.”

“But I can save him! I know I can!!” a bitch argued.

“But he’s not possessed by a demon. He’s just stopped fronting that he's any kind of liberal."...Al (we're close like that...in my dreams) patiently explained.

“But how do you explain the head spinning…the pea soup spittle…or the levitating off the floor whilst babbling crazy ass shit?” I had to ask.

“Oh, that's how the GOP gets their sleep on.”

***cue alarm clock***

9 comments:

adamson said...

This is the funniest thing. :)

IseultTheIdle said...

Joe wants to be President. He sees a way in on the coattails of an octogenarian candidate.

It's cold, it's heartless, it's politics.

Anonymous said...

And this is yet another reson I worship the ground walked upon by the Great Shark-Fu! All hail!

Kamrin

Antonio said...

haha great dream. I bet you rocked the leather bustiere like no other.

Lora said...

That was the best laugh I've had in days. Thanks for sharing ABB!

Ms. G.E. Witch said...

ABB...I'm a new fan. Found you in the book "Ultimate Blogs." Your movie analogies SLAY me. Keep 'em coming. Thanks and Cheers!

Dusty said...

I quickly pulled out my vial of sanctified vodka cran

WOOT! Thank you for making my very early morning (5am here) Shark Fu! ;)

WNG said...

I love that you hang out with Al Gore in your dreams...and I think he was right - that's just how the GOP rolls.

Ms. Feasance said...

I worship at your altar. For real.

And, that also explains a lot of the noises I heard in the dorms when I was in college.