Strategy Meeting Reminder...

Don't forget!

This bitch will be at Mokabes tomorrow August 1 at 6:30 pm to discuss strategy and work on some specifics of our grassroots effort to spread knowledge.

Thank you to everyone who expressed interest but will not be there tomorrow.

A bitch will update the masses on a regular basis.

Look for the black woman with fantabulous blue eyeglasses and the killer Afro (wink)...

Toodles!

Wishing Robin Roberts a speedy recovery…

Good Morning America co-anchor Robin Roberts announced that she has breast cancer.

Unlike the Associated Press, this bitch doesn't think it is relevant which breast they found cancer in.

Jesus!

I don’t know what bothers me more…that the reporter asked which breast it was or that the network not answering that question made it into the report.

Ugh.

Anyhoo, Ms. Roberts will have surgery Friday.

Hats off to her for using the opportunity to highlight the benefits of early detection and self examination, which is a message that women of color particularly need to take to heart.

A seizure, a collapse, the Chief Justice and mastering the art of passing out whilst on vacation at your summer home in Maine…

Chief Justice John Roberts passed out on a dock in Maine yesterday after he had a seizure. Specifically, he suffered a benign idiot pathetic…pardon me, idiopathic seizure...cough...and then fell the fuck out on the dock at his summer home (must be nice) in Maine.

A full neurological exam found that Chief Justice Roberts is still a knavish ass but he does not suffer from any apparent disorder. However doctors are concerned about high levels of Assholia Judgementica Maximus Wrongitis found in the fluid surrounding his brain.

Blink.

Oh, and Roberts also has a history of randomly pass out.

Media reports mentioned that Roberts claimed his health was “excellent” whilst being confirmed as Chief Justice.

Blink again and then fluff Afro.

But if he’s being as honest about his health as he was about his belief in stare decisis it would appear that the situation up in his brain is actually fucked up from the floor up.

…and then orange soda shot from my nose!

This bitch read the news that Dickie C. is a “big fan” of Alberto Gonzales and…well, something about that quote inspired a fit of giggles!

Oh…my…Gawd!

I just snorted up orange soda all over my desk (wince).

Shit, the keyboard!

Pause and offer gratitude for not bringing Ms. Sister Girl MacBook into the office.

Seriously though...

giggle followed by giggle followed by snort-based giggle and a gasp

...does anyone need any more proof that Attorney General Gonzales is in league with Satan?

Lucifer’s Head Minion in Charge thinks Alberto is a hell of a guy!

Oh shit, here we go again with the giggles...

A follow-up...

Happy motherfucking Monday!

A bitch would like to welcome everyone checking me out by way of the Rude One’s post. This bitch looks forward to that guest blogging gig...big time.

Welcome to the Land of Bitchitude!

Shall we proceed?

A follow-up…
This bitch is proud of those people in military service who read this blog.

Many have contacted me to vent, for a laugh and for Bitchfirmations…and all of you remain in my prayers.

I am the granddaughter, daughter, niece and cousin of people who have served in the military.

Hell, my grandfather served this nation long before this nation deigned to speak of "granting" him civil rights.

So, although this bitch does not support this war and my ass sure as shit doesn’t support the way this war has been managed (translation = fubar)… that doesn't translate into my being cool with The Man fucking over the people who are actually living up to their pledge as they serve a government incapable of living up to anything.

Blink.

When the Walter Reed scandal broke a bitch was not surprised...I know too many vets to be shocked by that shit...but I was pleased when a commission was appointed.

Dole & Shalala went out and documented the systemic flaws that result in inadequate care and emotional stress for vets and their families. They recently presented their report to Scooter B., his minions and Congress.

Then Scooter B. struck a pose on the White House lawn with two wounded vets and urged action.

Blink.

Which was cool…I also urge Congress to legislate the estimated ten percent of the recommendations that Shalala says require legislation.

But a bitch also urges Scooter B. and his assorted flavors of minions to tackle the 90 percent of recommendations that fall on the administrations side of the plate.

In other words, keep the curiously new work out clothes on and get 'bout the business of working on the motherfucking problem!

All they have to do is channel the same energy that fueled senior administration officials as they raced through the halls of a certain hospital to enthusiastically strong arm the Attorney General into doing semi-conscious that which he would not do if lucid…cough…yeah, channel that frenzified energy into fixing the fubarification that is medical care for too many of our veterans.

But that would be too much like right…right?

That's just wrong...

Pondering news out of Washington State...

Okay, so a bitch read this story out of Washington State and…well, I certainly hope this lawsuit is tossed.

Pharmacists have sued to fight a rule that forces them to fill prescriptions.

Blink.

Specifically, pharmacists have sued to fight a ruling that forces them to fill prescriptions for emergency contraception.

The pharmacists say the rule, which just kicked in, forces them to choose between “their livelihoods and their deeply held religious and moral beliefs.”

Now, that quote is just asking for some questions.

Are these same pharmacists forced to fill prescriptions for erectile dysfunction drugs and, if so, do they ask if the customer is married or gay (gasp) to ensure they are not promoting sex outside of marriage or gay sex or even hour after hour multiple orgasm reaching without the hope of child creating sex?

Does the pharmacy check to see if every woman coming in to fill a birth control prescription is married? Oh, and they also need to confirm that the customer isn’t using the pill for treatment of some condition like fibroids. Oh fuck it, what’s having a woman walk about with her period for three consecutive weeks compared to the mission of protecting women against the lure of sex without baby-based consequences?

Hmmm.

Does the pharmacy also sell condoms? Do they confirm marriage, check for signs of same sex behavior or ask the customer if they have accepted Jesus into their heart and renounced Satan and all of his minions?

Mercy!

Don’t get me wrong….I understand their dilemma.

My taxes are used to fund a war I never supported…fantabulous health care for politicians I can’t stand…and the salary of Governor Matt Blunt, who I believe to be one of Satan's minions.

So yes, I empathize with being “forced” to choose between the IRS coming down on me like a ton of bricks and my deeply felt moral and religious beliefs.

But these pharmacists can actually opt out of filling the prescription and get another pharmacist to do so as long as the customer receives the meds in the same visit. Which gives them the power of choice that they are seeking to deny their customers.

Nice.

Gosh, I sure wish I could opt out of paying taxes that may pay for war or put food on Matt Blunt’s table. I wonder if I could find a neo-con willing to pay them for me (wink).

Logs off to search for lawyer willing to sue the State of Missouri...

To meet or not to meet...

Is it me or has this week been long as hell?

Anyhoo, a bitch plans to continue my Urban League experience this weekend. Sadly, I missed the Presidential hopeful-based panel discussion today. But PubDef is live blogging the convention so this bitch will not have to miss a single moment of the Clinton/Obama/Edwards "please give me the black vote" verbal exchanges.

Fantabulous!

Moving forward on a Presidential tip…

This bitch didn’t watch the YouTube debate on CNN.

Why watch it on CNN when I can catch all the good bits over at YouTube (wink)?

But a bitch did witness the media frenzification stirred up by the post YouTube debate Clinton/Obama fracas.

The dust has yet to settle, chil’ren!

One of the…well, one of “you”...got your YouTube on and asked whether the candidates would promise to meet with the leaders of rogue nations to get some diplomacy started.

Obama said he would…and that not talking to the leader of a nation did not equal punishment for bad ass shit that nation may or may not have done.

Clinton said she would not make that promise and that she thought such a promise to meet during the first year unwise.

Blink.

Okay…yeah, I know…not all that heated an exchange.

But wait…it does get better!

After the debate…and without those pesky CNN cameras catching the flush of heated anger and those lips that you just know got tight…all hell broke lose!

Clinton’s people accused Obama of being naïve.

Obama’s people said Clinton ought to know all about “naïve” since her vote to authorize the war was the very definition of that shit (wince).

Clinton retaliated by sending someone forth to drop a spinified nugget that Obama is willing to meet with Holocaust deniers (daaaaaaaaaamn!).

Then Obama dropped a perfectly timed to meet primetime deadlines diss in a speech calling Clinton Bush/Cheney Lite or something like that (oooh, that’s gotta burn!).

I’m waiting for Clinton to take the mic and remind Obama that the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club (wink).

Can you imagine those two waiting together in the wings for today’s Urban League event to begin.

Awkward as a motherfucker!

But a bitch was struck by the topic of this exchange. When did talking to the leaders of other nations get taken off the table? And why?

Catch the knee…a bitch isn’t endorsing anyone. I’m just curious about this shit, because it seems to me that many a political all star met with the then enemies of our nation back in the day.

FDR met with Stalin…JFK met with Khrushchev…fuck it, Nixon went on holiday with Mao.

And didn’t President Clinton meet with Arafat...and Chavez…oh, and Assad?

Blink.

Hell, Scooter B. (President Bush for the uninitiated) just had Putin to the family compound…and he’s accused of killing journalists, poisoning a Presidential candidate in Ukraine and protecting a Russian citizen who may have poisoned an enemy of Putin's government and contaminated half of fucking London while doing it!

Blink again.

I just don’t get this 'diplomacy equals weakness' thing. I don’t like the assumption that by meeting with someone you just blinked. And this bitch is more than a wee bit uncomfortable with any candidate positioning the silent treatment as a mature technique in the face of all the Bush-based evidence we have to the contrary.

Sigh.

But oh, don’t stop!

More…more, more, more!

Keep that shit coming!

Mama Shark-fu remains an unapologetic glutton for down and dirty political content…

Upon the discovery of the Skinny Ass Robustus virus…

Shall we?

A bitch watched the breaking news that a person can catch weight gain from their friends with intense interest. Apparently some new study…and don’t you just love how there is always a new study?...found that overweight people seem to “catch” their weight gain from within their friendship circles.

Oh my, so its not the result of consuming massive quantities of smothered yumminess after all.

Blink.

Three cheers for massive quantities of smothered soul food yumminess!

Well, that changes everything about my approach to the size of my ass. Out with the “sometimes foods” and in with manipulating frightfully thin people into friendship so this bitch can catch a good case of Skinny Ass Robustus!

Wink.

Do I really want to catch a case of Skinny Ass Robustus?

Not a serious case, that’s for sure. A bitch ain’t trying to lose my curves (wink). Come to think of it, I could give a shit about weight loss. Skinny as hell is not my beauty ideal. But...but, but, but...if I catch this thin virus I could eat all the smothered yumminess I want and never gain more weight!

Happy, happy, happy…and joy times three!

Okay, so I need to locate frightfully thin people for my party. But wait! Some of my friends are frightfully thin. If thin is a virus…and you catch is from friends who are infected with thin…then why the hell is a bitch not frightfully thin?

Oh, I get it. I must not have been properly exposed to Skinny Ass Robustus!

Mayhap I should throw a Skinny Ass Robustus party the way parents throw a Chicken Pox party?

Yes!

But someone is going to have to explain how I catch this shit.

Do I rub up against the frightfully thin people…a lot…all night until we’ve exchanged germs?

Lawd, I hope they aren’t bony thin people.

Pause…consider…continue.

Bony wouldn’t be any fun…a bitch might cut myself on a hip (wink)! I’ll settle for toned and firm. Yeah, toned and firm is the kind of the contagion I’m looking for.

Hmmm, an evening of toned body on firm body party-fication.

Ooooh.

Who gives a shit if I get frightfully thin?!?

My Skinny Ass Robustus party may turn into the debauch of the motherfucking century!

Thanks be to science…

On the Zahn for Brown CNN trade...

A bitch just read the news that a certain Paula Zahn will be leaving CNN (hip hip…horray!) and is being replaced by Campbell Brown (ummm, err...okay?).

A bitch can’t stand Zahn, who is a rancid heifer who shamelessly indulges in race baiting during primetime in hopes of winning over the "I'm not a racist, but..." demographic from FOX.

And don’t come at me with that "does it really matter?" crap either. You may not watch CNN, but a lot of people do…and this bitch happens to think it wise to keep an eye on that which pollutes our fellow citizens’ fragile minds (wink).

Anyhoo, Zahn is out and Campbell Brown formerly of NBC's Weekend Today is in.

Blink.

I like what I know of Campbell Brown. She handled the White House beat well and actually reported the news every now and then (gasp).

The problem is that Campbell Brown is married to a Republican minion, Dan Senor.

Dan Senor is a Republican strategist who supplies FOX with their drug of choice on a regular basis (wince).

Senor was…are you sitting down?...ugh.

Senor was the head motherfucker in charge of advice to one of history’s all time fuck ups, L. Paul Bremmer…and he did that advising during the time period in which Bremmer was fucking it up on a historic scale.

Oh, and add to that frightfully conservative mix the fact that he was Director of the Coalition Information Center during Operation Iraqi Freedom...which means he was at the source of some of the most fantastical propaganda ever consumed by a ravenous press.

Lawd Campbell!

Your choice in mate makes a bitch fear gazing at you directly lest I turn into a pillar of salt!

Jesus!

Shudder.

Mayhap a bitch is off target and this marriage is on the Matlin/Cavillian tip.

Or maybe Campbell Brown’s tolerance of political malfeasance is above average...having grown up the daughter of a certain Jim Brown.

Blink.

What?

I’m just “Keeping Them Honest” y’all…

C-Money's Guest Post from China...

C-Money is in China on bitness and sent this bitch the following guest post....which she will have to read via some sort of internet-based manipulation since this bitch's blog is banned in China.

Blink.

Anyhoo, here's C-Money's guest post...

Ni Hao

你好

Hello from Beijing Church of Bitchitude! This is C-Money sending greetings from far, far away. I’m in China on business. And I’m squeezing in some R&R as well, mostly in the form of rest, room service and shopping.

The first thing that struck me about China is how Western it is relative to my expectations. And how foreign it is in other ways. Take the food for instance. I love Chinese food … but this ain’t no ghetto rice and General Gao’s y’all. Congee (soft rice porridge with meat on top) for breakfast? Double boiled shark’s fin in brown sauce or braised abalone with fish maw or fried pigeon for dinner anyone? I’m sure this is all delicious, but I’ve been totally lame and tame, eating a lot of salmon and desserts while watching CNN scare the shit out of everyone about “made in China.” Interestingly, saw a scary story in the paper here about food from USA. Food safety dissing has gone global. And so has the yoga trend – it’s big here. And fast food is proliferating. KFC and Pizza Hut and Starbucks are everywhere. At Starbucks you can get “moon cake” … traditional yummy for this time of year … I haven’t sampled it yet as I’m still into mango pudding and green tea cake, two local yummies I’m into.

China is much more open than you’d think from the news and speeches we hear in America. The one thing that is not overblown are reports about air pollution. I’ve found it hard to breathe at times and you can literally taste the air. If I’m out in it too long I get dizzy and tired. The air mixed with the 90 degree heat makes for limited excursions. It’s hard to tell how much is standard air pollution and how much is due to construction. They are building like crazy, getting ready for the Olympics and very proud to welcome the world next summer. I’m sure they’ll run the dust buster and make sure it’s all shiny by this time next year. Hospitality absolutely translates and the hospitality is lovely. Very impressive how much absolutely everyone is on it, like the whole place is in a dress rehearsal for the big event.

As those who know me well can attest, I’m kind of like Mr. Magoo, nearsighted and befuddled when I’m about town. I kinda screwed up the “when” part of getting from Shanghai to Beijing … it got sorted at the Air China desk when she pointed out I was there a day late. Shark-Fu didn’t think that story was so funny … methinks I worried her (Shark-fu's response - she fucking did...damnit...my nerves are already bad!) … I thought it was hysterical that I didn’t know what day I was supposed to go. Anyway, clear on the date now. Have calendar. All better now.

Shanghai was like Paris and New York shaken, not stirred. I went round to touch all of the latest leather goods in all the flashiest, bling-bling boutiques. And I had a full-on religious experience in the house of Chloe. I really can’t get into it here. It was beautiful … hot-hot-hot … on sale … tres chic … c’est bon … better than sex. Bye-bye Shanghai.

I’m a delicate flower and was strongly considering ordering room service all day and reading Harry Potter. But today’s a day off and I wasn’t able to do anything on Sunday because I was in bed sick all day. So I was determined to head out and do something today. See something of Beijing. But what? Imperial City and Tiananmen Square were out due to the haze and walking and trying to breathe in the haze. I breathed outside on Saturday in Shanghai and it took two days to recover. My interpreter told me that I could rest at Starbucks, but then someone else said that they closed the Starbucks in the Imperial City. While I find the sight of a Starbucks abroad comforting, I tend to agree with the people’s cultural head-people-in-charge that a Starbucks in the Imperial City is a bit much. I loved Bertolluci’s The Last Emperor, so the possibility of venturing to the Summer Palace was also considered as there are more inside bits (I think) … but the weather was too much to hazard in the end. The Great Wall is an all day thing and, um, it’s outside too … so … nothing left to do but go to the mall/market/whatever!

But I shamelessly shopped every bling label imaginable (with the exception of Gaultier because he was out of the way) when I was in Shanghai. In Beijing with only a few more days in country, seems like I should get something meaningful if I was going to skip Harry Potter and breathe in God-knows-what. A bauble that screams China and would be worth screwing up some courage to go out, get lost, get found, bargain, etc. (When shopping in Beijing you have to bargain. I am not a fan of bargaining. It’s tiring.) Anyway, I recalled Coco Chanel’s love of pearls and thought a strand would be a lovely French affectation by way of Beijing authenticity to go with my new Chloe bag from Shanghai. Plus I think Shark-Fu said “I like pearls” in the middle of telling me to pack Sudafed and copies of my passport and not to be stupid and not to get arrested. Settled then. Pearls. A nice pick-me-up for Shark-Fu after the gas theft incident and dog-sitting Schweeting and of course missing me terribly (wink). And some for me too so we can go out and have lunch when we’re old, tisking and clutching our pearls in horror at the doings of young people. I had a mission now. Go forth and do, find the pearl place I read about online and bargain for Shark-Fu’s new necklace. Something clutchable…

I went to Ling Ling on the 4th Floor of the Pearl Market (Hong Qiao) near the Temple of Heaven and had a lovely time. I watched them tie knots and then finish up my baby sister’s necklace with the wave of a lighter. I’m so proud of my little journey out. In going out in search of pearls I got to see more of Beijing via car, pick my way across a highway (less treacherous than Shanghai), dodge panhandlers, weave through an OVERWHELMING number of stalls (photography seemed verboten, so I didn’t try) with piles and piles of jewelry and people out being people, escalating up until I got to the diva floors, wandering in search of the store, putting my cram session to use comparing roundness and luster, deciding on length and chugging water, waiting for hand production which is really interesting to see, and then getting out of the market and into the back of a cab taking advantage of tourists, back into the tranquility of the hotel.

Love and kisses. I’ll check your blog out via China Mobile, the only way to get to this site. You’re … um … blocked in China. But I’m glad I found a way to read you … it’s strangely comforting … kinda like being cussed out for calling at 6 a.m. I miss ya! And if I hear the Malaysia Truly Asia jingle one more time I’m going to lose it. Korea Sparkling is right behind it on my “enough already!” list.

C-Money

Petrol Thieving - A heathen of Shaw incident...

Update - This bitch went to Auto Zone and scored a gas lock. The nice folks there said they've been selling a lot of them. Ugh! Anyhoo, hopefully the gas lock will result in a problem solved.

Note - longtime readers will remember The Heathens of Shaw incidents (here & here) from back in the day that resulted in Ms. Sister Girl Cabrio being assaulted.

Shall we?

Yesterday this bitch arrived home after work tired as hell.

I haven’t been sleeping very well and my ass was looking forward to a nice quiet evening with my sorta-beagles and dawg niece Sweetie the Three Legged Chow.

The dawgs had other plans.

They were beyond hyper and this bitch ended up letting the sorta-beagles out to bake in the sun and hopefully burn off some fuel. Unfortunately, certain dawgs feel the need to bark at the neighbor's cat, random birds, child'ren on bikes and cars driving past as if a horde of angry invaders where attempting to conquer the backyard.

Ugh.

And this bitch has no intention of being that neighbor with those dawgs who bark all the fucking time. Thus my evening was a dance of inside/outside until they finally calmed down around 9ish.

Exhausted, a bitch tucked into a well deserved vodka cran and settling down to watch Blog Wars on Sundance.

Interesting documentary, by the way…lots of blogger celebrities (wink)…oh, and an appearance by Christopher Hitchens who looked like absolute shit on ice but did managed to get through the entire film without saying the word "placenta".

Blink.

Anyhoo, at 11:30pm Sweetie the Chow needed to get her pee on.

A bitch opened the door and looked out after her to make sure she made it down the stairs okay (what?...she’s only got one front leg!!) only to catch sight of some shadowy motherfucker lurking near Ms. Sister Girl Cabrio’s ass!

Oh, hell no!

I shouted for the shadow to get the fuck away from my motherfucking car and watched him run down the alley.

At that moment Sweetie decided to bark and the sorta beagles came running out the door in response (great timing, dawgs…way to charge in and protect a bitch.)

Cursing them and the shadow, a bitch grabbed my flashlight and attempted to survey the drama from the porch-based area.

The wee little gas thang was open on the side of my car and there appeared to be a plastic milk jug by the tire.

Son of a biscuit!

That motherfucker was trying to steal a bitch's gas!

Blink.

Who the fuck steals gas...from a Cabrio...on a Monday?

Motherfucker!

The police were called...mostly so a bitch could make sure no damage was done with an armed guard....and, having found nothing wrong and seeing the cops off, this bitch sat down to glare at my dawgs.

ABB to Betsey & Theo the sorta beagles... "Damn, y'all! If I have to put up with you freaking the fuck out and getting your bark on when people walk past the front door the least you can do is sound the alarm when someone is trying to fuck with Mum's Sister Girl Cabrio!"

Sweetie panted a bit and Betsey and Theo wagged their tails in response, which I'm choosing to interpret as an apology for their failure to protect my car from the evil doer with the motherfucking milk jug who tried to steal a bitch's hard earned petrol.

Lawd, have mercy...

A Strategy Meeting - HB 1055 Plan…

This bitch thinks we need to get our meet on and take stock of our resources regarding our grassroots offensive against HB 1055.

August 1, 2007
Mokabes 3606 Arsenal St.
6:30pm

Oh, and Kansas City locals should contact Blue Girl, Red State for information.

If you are unable to make the St. Louis meeting but would still like information please contact me via e-mail (available at my complete profile).

Toddles!

The struggle in Birmingham...

A certain Catherine requested that a bitch alert the flock of bitchitude to the drama taking place outside the New Women All Women Health Clinic in Birmingham.

Please take a moment to read this post from the front lines.

And thank you to Catherine for bringing this to my attention.

A democracy groweth in Pakistan?

Well, it looks like Dickie C. officially yielding the power we all assume he already yields didn’t bring about the end of days.

Blink.

I still think it was wise to be prepared.

Think of it as a Tyranny Preparedness drill (wink)!

Moving forward…

A democracy groweth in Pakistan?
This bitch has long been fascinated by the ability of Scooter B. and his minions to get the press to buy the premise of his argument that American is on a mission to spread democracy through the region.

There are too many examples that expose that as bullshit!

Why, just this past week Pakistan emerged as the latest example.

Scooter B. and his minions allied themselves with a certain President Pervez Musharraf to fight the war against…well, it got complicated...sigh...but Pakistan was crucial to the war America started out fighting because "the enemies of freedom” were camped out on the Pakistani Afghan border.

For reasons that only befuddle the Bush administration, the “enemies of freedom” are still camped out on the Pakistani Afghan border and we’ve been sleeping with one eye open trying to keep the love alive with Pakistan despite their tendency to get their creep on and step out with…well, the “enemies of freedom” camped on their border with Afghanistan.

Wince.

But fuck it all, chil’ren! Musharraf is still our guy…sort of. And Bush probably looked into his eyes and judged him to be a good soul.

But last week the Supreme Court of Pakistan reinstated its Chief Justice in defiance of Musharraf, who clearly has been reading Dictatorship for Dummies and was trying to prevent the establishment of an independent judiciary.

Gawd, that sounds so achingly familiar.

So, Pakistan is making moves…internal shifts and challenges show signs of a pro-democracy movement supported by the citizens (oh my!)…and the United States of America is upset because…what?

Well, because a democratic victory in Pakistan would unseat our guy in Islamabad…who we appear to value more than the growth of democracy in the region.

Lawd, if that doesn’t make your afro hurt nothing will!

The Pakistani people are just going to have to learn some patience! Freedom takes time…blink…and the approval of the United States government based on the calculated risks and benefits to the How to Get to Fubar in 6 Years or Less Master Plan the administration’s been working off of from day one.

Breaking News - Dickie C. to take the wheel…

Oh, my sweet Lawd have mercy on my soul!

Scooter B. is set to undergo a Full Couric (wink) tomorrow and…

Wait!

Are you sitting down?

Okay.

Vice President Dick Cheney will take over Presidential powers whilst Scooter B.’s colon is scoped!

Lawd!

Oh, noooooooooooooo!

Shit!

Okay….okay, okay….a bitch needs to calm down.

Gasp!

Lawd!!!

Okay…okay, okay…I need to check my 'the world is going to shit and the end of days is upon us' check list.

Water?

Check!

Smarties?

Check!

Map to Canada through multiple routes including rural Vermont & Maine?

Check!

Dawg kibble and snacks?

Check!

Baseball bat?

Check!

Cool.

Everything is cool.

A bitch is beyond prepared!

Blink.

What?

Well, shit. There’s no telling what drama Dickie C. can bring about in two to three hours plus recovery time!

Think ‘bout that before you mock my check list complete with kibble and Smartie-based joy.

Mmhmm.

Trust that a bitch won’t be the only one sleeping with my baseball bat tomorrow!

Logs off to call Brother Rob and confirm the location of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks flee to bunker…

Tensions heating & drama increasing…

Y’all know a bitch is all over the twists in the Russian spy poisoning case!

Here’s the latest…

Russia is expelling (you get an instant visual with that word, don’t you?) four British diplomats…‘cause the United Kingdom is expelling four Russian diplomats because Russia is refusing to hand over Andrei Lugovoi…catch breath...who has been identified by U.K. officials as a suspect in the poisoning of Alexander Lit­vinenko.

Oh my!

ABB's take on how this latest shit went down…
Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov… “I don’t know who you think you’re telling what to do, but you have lost your motherfucking mind Mr. Miliband!”

British Foreign Secretary David Miliban… “You need to come correct and hand over that felon! This ain’t 1946, asshole. We are New Britannia and I think you need to recognize!”

Lavrov... “Fuck you asshole. Russia will not hand over a citizen to stand trial for this poisoning.” he pauses and then continues tauntingly. “Besides, Lugovoi told us you British poisoned Litvinenko. Perhaps you should put yourself under arrest and on trial?”

Miliban, voice clipped and anger apparent…"That’s it! That’s it, motherfucker! I’ve had enough! We’re expelling four of your diplomats…before they can poison anybody. And you can forget about visas or visa applications.”

“Whatever, ass!" Lavrov shoots back hotly. "Send our people home. We won’t need visas ‘cause we won’t be traveling to London until you get a handle on that poison in the tea problem! And two can play this game, Miliband. Russia will match those four expelled diplomats with four of your own…and you can forget about our cooperating on any counterterrorism measures too!”

“You have no shame. No shame! You just remind Mr. Lugovoi that he is subject to international extradition. You just do that!” Secretary Miliband spits out.

The both men slam their phone down…hard…and curse the other by name!

Blink.

Lawd, this is better than a marathon of Footballers' Wives on BBC America!

Pondering visitors...

A bitch is aware that the National Urban League is having their convention here in St. Louis.

C'mon now...I live here!

This bitch is also aware that many a Presidential hopeful will descend upon St. Louis to court the “black vote”.

Blink.

Well, at least the 10,000 potential black votes who will attend the convention (wink).

This bitch plans to hunt up Donna Brazile for a fan-based interview!

Anyhoo, longtime readers know that a bitch volunteers as a voter education teacher in my community. I developed a curriculum with the help of The League of Women Voters and added some spice from the United States Citizenship test. Each quarter I teach the class at the area shelters I support as a volunteer.

The Voter Education class began several years ago in response to a sassified comment tossed at this bitch in response to my inquiry as to whether a certain young shelter resident was registered to vote.

“Why? It don’t matter. Those people don’t mean anything to my life!”

Suffice it to say this bitch just about fell over!

After a quick verbal grilling it was clear that the young woman believed that…gasp...and thus a bitch’s Voter Education class was born.

Politics is local and government is personal as hell whether you know it or not. The young women I volunteer with feel the punch of governmental bullshit first and

Housing, education, whether their chil'ren will be sent to war...roads, jobs, food safety...the list goes on and on.

But politicians and interest groups don’t benefit from Voter Education.

Blink.

They benefit from a courtable group who will “ooh’ and “ahh” when fed well scripted sound bites and get misty of the eye when some candidate takes a 2 hour blue jean clad tour of the ‘hood.

Those who seek power do not want to answer real questions or provide real goals. They sure as shit don’t want to be boxed into a “what the fuck is your policy going to be, asshole” corner by the masses.

Mayhap that’s why political parties and interest groups are willing to pay for voter registrations but are not attracted to voter education.

Blink.

An educated voter is an empowered voter who knows the difference between a Representative and a Senator…who knows the role of the Judiciary and the role of the Executive…who knows how programs like Medicare are funded…and who knows her motherfucking rights.

And that’s a dangerous thing to those who benefit from perpetuating ignorance.

Cough.

Don’t get me wrong, this bitch is looking forward to the National urban League coming to town.

I plan to escort some of my students to the job fair, indulge in a few sessions and lecture-based gatherings, and listen to the candidates court the black vote.

It’ll be lights followed by camera followed by action up on that stage...and Lawd knows a bitch loves a good show.

And a bitch didn't even use steroids!

A bitch checked out my site meter for the first time in forever and a day.

Well shit, a bitch forgot I had one down there at the bottom of the page!

Anyhoo, this blog has reached 500,000 visits.

Oh my!

In honor of this...well, this number that represents y'all...a bitch is going to share what I've been reading in the wonderful world of the internets.

His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman - I'm ready for my close up, Mister Levin. This shit cracked a bitch up! Thank you Ryan for recommending swift viewage!

Undercover Black Man...Attack of the Giant Negroes and Presidential Assassin vs Giant Negro. Just in case you were under the impression that the media used to have their shit together (wink).

Pub Def - Brother Antonio D. French sets the bar high as hell as he covers all things political!

The Angry Black Woman And no, we're not the same person. Lawd, have mercy! All angry black people do not blog the same (wink) - ABW is always a good read, but is that a certain LadyJax of Live Journal fame I see guest posting? Nice!

Check this shit out and spread the visits per day joy!

Toodles...

Nu-CLE-ar...

A while back, Scooter B. (President Bush for the uninitiated) toured a nuclear power plant and tried to pitch nuclear power plants as response to global warming.

A bitch should disclose that my ass is not fond of nuclear power plants. Oh, catch thy knee for it jerketh too quickly! I understand that nuclear power has a lot of cool as hell benefits and that it would reduce our dependence on foreign energy and so forth. My problem is not with the benefits but rather with the “oh shit, now what do we do?” negatives people like Scooter B. brush aside.

The recent earth quake in Japan (a bitch hope my readers…well, ummm…reader in Japan is okay!) and the leakage of nuclearized somethingorother into the ocean and atmosphere…and that curious delay in announcing that shit had leaked and been released into the waters of the world…made a bitch recall Bush’s nuclear push and my concerns with it.

Jesus to Gawd, my nerves don’t need this shit!

Shit!

A bitch was instantly back in 1986 and having a Chernobylesque nightmare about the end of days!

Chernobyl is one of the first disasters I vividly recall watching in real time. I remember the lack of information…the attempt by government to downplay to danger… and the feeling of helplessness.

Ooooh, it was awful…that helpless feeling washing over me in waves of drama whilst we waited for the end to come and hoped that end wouldn’t involve writhing in radioactive inspired pain as we slowly melted face first into a puddle of forgotten waste.

Ugh.

Mmmhmm, that feeling is one of the reasons a bitch isn’t fond of nuclear power.

Then there is the fact that Scooter B. digs it.

C’mon, are we going to take energy conservation advice from a man who thinks humans had dinosaurs as pets and that greenhouse gases are the result of eating too many beans?

It only takes one “oh shit now what do we do?” negative situation to fuck shit up…big time. And those fuck ups don’t clean up easy! Just look at Chernobyl, which now rests in Ukraine and is in need of some serious “when they say it may melt through to the Earth’s core what do they mean exactly?” maintenance. This bitch hopes they can start tackling that maintenance instead of dealing with political poisonings and such.

Shudder.

Anyhoo, this bitch hopes everything is cool in Japan and my ass is sending positive non-nuclear energy (wink) ‘cross the now glowified waters of the world.

Guilty as homemade sin...

Lawd.

A bitch is a wee bit illish and yesterday my ass indulged in a crash-based day of sleep.

Sigh.

I needed that.

Shall we?

Guilty as homemade sin…
This bitch’s people spring from The South and St. Louis can only Midwesternize a bitch so much (wink), so it comes as no surprise that I have a fantabulous Red Velvet Cake recipe and I adore a good fall from righteousness.

Let’s have our cake and schadenfreudal joy too!

Ingredients for A Bitch’s Red Velvet Cake…
1/2 cup shortening
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 1/2 oz red food coloring
1 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon soda
1 tablespoons vinegar

Ingredients for a Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace…
- One man on woman blessed by legal protection sanctified marriage.
- At least one man on woman (dare I assume?) festival of sex outside of the confines of that man on woman sanctified marriage.
- Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler Magazine and his financial challenge to expose politicians who have indulged in festivals of sex outside the confines of their man on woman sanctified by law (blink) marriage.
- Deborah Jeane Palfrey – alleged to have run the alleged prostitution ring that allegedly set Senator Vitter up with his man on woman (did we confirm that?) festival of sex.
- Wendy Vitter, the offended wife, full to bursting with Southern fried maternal rage.
- The mainstream media, desperate for any non-war social values discussion stirring story they can find.

Preparation of A Bitch’s Red Velvet Cake...
Cream shortening - beat in sugar gradually. Add eggs one at a time and beat well after each addition. Make a paste of cocoa and food coloring then add to creamed mixture. Add salt, flour and vanilla alternately with buttermilk (yum), beat the tar out of it with each addition. Sprinkle soda over vinegar then pour vinegar over batter. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Bake in 3 8-inch pans for 30 minutes at 350°.

Preparation for a Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace …
Toss 'born in sin like the rest of us yet self appointed preserver of “traditional” values (mmmhmmm, talk about tradition…Lawd) conservative Republican' into politics.

Add one cup of ambition to one cup of flour (sift thoroughly to remove fidelity)

Cream…

What?

C'mon, who could resist that?

Cream (wink) in lots and lots of soft…so soft…and rich…so rich…umm, butter. Incorporate thoroughly creamed mixture in bowl with a dash of willingness to pick up the 'oh Gawd, we can’t let those gays get married ‘cause the sky will cave in' base attracting wedge issue ball and run with it.

Stir in Larry Flynt’s money…pour into Washington’s scandal adoring press corps…and bake.

Oh, hell yes!

I like to top my Red Velvet Cake with whipped sour cream icing.

Sigh.

Senator’s Sex Saturated Hypocritical Fall from Grace is best when served with a side of 'did someone say something about glass houses?' and a healthy portion of 'I told y’all traditionalists are the greatest threat to traditional marriage'.

As for Mrs. Vitter’s maternal rage?

Blink.

It would appear that wreeping what your man on woman sanctified before law husband sows is still traditional as a motherfucker in the world of politics.

Rather than complain about the attention your husband attracted, a bitch recommends taking to your front lawn and kicking off a Constitutional Amendment ballot initiative to ban extramarital fucking behind thy spouses back and without thy spouses permission.

Mind that you thank your husband for providing that platform for you, dear….

Pizza...

Yesterday this bitch went to the dentist with my brother Bill.

Newish readers should know that Bill is autistic and my sister and this bitch are co-guardians.

So, yesterday we went to the dentist…Bill and this bitch.

Oh, and newish readers should also know that Bill loves to eat and loves to list off the things he loves to eat. Bill doesn’t speak in sentences, so he just keeps rattling off his favorite foods over and over again while looking you dead in the eye as if he were negotiating a cease fire between nations at war.

He’s the oldest of the three of us and…well, we’re not chil’ren anymore (wince) so fast food yumminess has become a "sometimes food" indulgence thus making the listing of such foods in hopes of getting them serious business.

Yeah, so yesterday we went to the dentist…a bitch and Bill.

Wait!

I should add that we were able to get dental coverage for Bill through C-Money's insurance (he had been without it because certain shameless anti-family evil Republican motherfuckers cut dental rather than cut the pork) so this was the first consultation visit with a new dentist. Bill is profoundly autistic…hates change…and has the patience of a 2 year old three hours into a 6 hour car ride to see Barney on Ice.

Cough.

Anyhoo, yesterday I went to the dentist with Bill.

The visit went very well. Bill was in great spirits, enjoyed the fact that the waiting room had a ton of magazines and really liked his new dentist. The assistant and dentist even enjoyed Bill’s random lobbying for pizza ever two seconds (pizza is the new “it” food).

“Pizza."

"Open wide."

"Pizza."

"Move your tongue."

"Pizza, pizza, pizza!"

Lawd, have mercy.

After the appointment I handled the paperwork associated with the new insurance while Bill sat and looked at more magazines. I felt a feeling…a certain solidity that comes from knowing that a needed thing is covered.

That feeling was just beginning to register when the waiting room door opened and…I kid you not…a pizza delivery man entered carrying one of those keep shit hot containers stacked with yummified pizza!

Bill almost fainted…his eyes went huge…he looked at me with such amazement that I thought the man would cry!

“No, no…not for us, Bill.” I said softly, fearing that he’d have a fit when he realized his baby sister hadn’t granted his ultimate pizza-based dream.

But Bill just grunted, took a long sorrowful sniff and went back to his magazine.

Mercy!

After years of worry, anxious check-ups and fretful budgeting….after years of attending appointments as a guardian/advocate/case manager/hell raiser…after all that shit, yesterday I went to the dentist with my brother.

His name is Bill.

His teeth look great.

And the only thing I worried about was whether he’d tackle the pizza delivery man.

Amazing, but it shouldn't be.

That feeling...that ability to just be a sister caring for her brother?

That shit needs to be universal.

Triangular Bullshit…

Lawd, have mercy!

Our project to respond to the rancidity of HB 1055 here in Missouri is picking up pace!

Thank you FiredDogLake for helping spread the word!

I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that there are so many of us out there who are disgusted with this legislation and willing to act.

Y’all are amazing and a bitch can’t wait to work with you on this project.

I’ll be ironing out some specifics over the next week and you know a bitch will keep y’all updated.

Keep those recommendations and examples coming!

Moving forward fired up with the power of the people…

Triangular Bullshit...
When this bitch was a wee bitch I was a champion bullshit artist.

Blink.

Fuck it, I was!

I utilized some serious spin when it came to my report card…which often reflected my lack of dedication to math and science (wince). Both of my parents were mathematically inclined…and both of them saw right through my spin to the bullshit beneath.

Sigh.

But I still tried…still made my pitch that the teacher was an asshole or that I was allergic to math. My parents always went ballistic over that shit…they were more angry about the bullshit-based spin than the actual grade!

That didn’t make sense to until I was much older, but they wanted to teach me that my bullshit delayed my ability to address my failures in math…that by spinning rather than being honest I was denying myself two at-home math tutors…and that saying you don’t have a problem and not taking responsibility will not make the problem or the responsibility go away.

Blink.

Which brings me to Scooter B. of the unable to admit he needs help with math Bush debacle of an administration…and his press conference, in which he tried to spin sorta-achieving 8 of 18 benchmarks as “satisfactory progress”.

Nation (wink), this president needs a tutor...mayhap the Sylvan Learning Center of war policy?

Whatever...anything...because shit like this is getting us nowhere!

"Our strategy is built on the premise that progress in security will pave the way for political progress, so it's not surprising that political progress is lagging behind the security gains we're seeing."

Cough.

That reminds me of when I took Geometry and, upon receiving my dismal midterm exam, insisted that no one should be required to prove a square to be a square and they certainly shouldn’t have to prove it more than once!

Blink.

Which was triangular bullshit…and it didn’t work (just ask C-Money, who have the joy of tutoring me in Geometry, bless her).

Isn’t it just as easy to say that the lack of political progress is leading to the increase in violence…and that political progress would greatly improve conditions on the ground?

Oh, but the beauty of triangular bullshit is that it reinforces itself!

Examples...
I got assigned Geometry problems + I refused to admit that I alone could not change the rules of Geometry = I almost fucking flunked Geometry (wince) & used that to prove I'm allergic to math.

Okay...ummm, that didn't work.

Iraq is violent + we blame the violence for the lack of political progress + the Iraqi government refuses to pull it together = Iraq remains violent with no political progress and we remain in Iraq because it is violent.

Ugh! That doesn't work either!

Fuck it. Top that bullshit off with a dollop of "we'll stand down when they stand up" and...well, that's a dish that would have made McNamara proud.

Cough.

The source of triangular bullshit is the immature insecurity-based inability to admit that you don’t have the answer…that you can’t prove that square to be a square...and that you have royally fucked up the Geometry workbook…ummm, err…the war.

We should have never taken this class but, after signing up for it, we sure as shit should have requested a tutor.

But we’re in Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda Territory now, chil’ren.

Kinda looks like a proof for fubar to this bitch...

The pizza delivery man, a ‘how the hell did they convince anyone to do that shit’ plot and an indictment…

Longtime readers know that this bitch has been fascinated by the pizza delivery bomb around the neck explosion in the street story from…well, from the moment the pizza delivery man blew up on the street.

What?

A bitch is a crime buff and there is no way in hell the news that a pizza delivery person was forced at gun point to secure a bomb around his neck and walk into a bank to rob it only to blow up on live television while begging for his life wouldn’t capture my attention.

Anyhoo…

After the initial news of the failed robbery turned explosion broke the story kind of died.

Now we have news of an indictment!

Get this…the feds are alleging that a woman came up with the bomb ‘round the neck forced bank robbery scheme to fund the murder of her father.

Blink.

Brian Wells, the pizza delivery person, is alleged to have know one of the folks connected to the woman and the plot so the feds are also connecting the now dead Wells to the crime that resulted in his death on the street by neck bomb!

Blink again.

But the feds didn't give any information as to why they think Brian Wells conspired with the woman and man indicted to participate in this robbery...which leaves this bitch still wondering how the hell they convinced Wells to strap on that neck bomb and go forth to rob.

Sigh.

A bitch has a gut feeling (wink) that my ass is going to have to wait for Bill Kurtis to break this shit down on American Justice.

Pondering gut feelings…

A bitch heard that a certain Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff spilled his guts to the Chicago Tribune yesterday.

Blink.

What?

Oh, ummm…he shared his gut feeling about impending doom, death and destruction his...ummm, gut...feels will hit America this summer.

You will find the transcript of Nostradamus Chertoff’s gut-based predictions here.

A bitch’s first reaction shared with Theo the BayMaster & Betsey the sorta beagle while sipping coffee this morning…

“A billion dollar budget and this motherfucker is still working off of gut feelings? Jesus!”

The sorta beagles’ joint response was to continue snoring loudly, belly up on the couch.

A bitch’s next reaction when the same gut-tastic revelation was shared yet again by a rather alarmed Tony Harris on CNN (hey Harris, calm the fuck down for the love of all that’s not morning radio!)…

“Isn’t this the same motherfucker who claimed that the government couldn’t predict the Katrina disaster even though folks had predicted a Katrina-esque disaster? Isn’t this that same asshole? Lawd, have mercy. If his gut is correct the nation will have to suffer from the inadequacies of his mind sooner rather than later!”

The sorta beagles continued to snore while this bitch made a mental note to check our 'your government will not be there for you should a disaster strike' provisions and sweep out the 'Michael Chertoff is a cover thy ass and deny, deny followed by deny shameless cronified asshole' flee to bunker.

Mercy.

Because of the after that always follows...

A bitch was beyond busy yesterday!

A day full of to-dos and have to-dos turned into a day spent in frenzy.

Sigh.

But I was able to spend a soothing evening watching my new favorite television channel, Ovation. Ovation is the shit…an entire channel dedicated to fine art! A bitch can’t speak to all of the programming, but Ovation had a night of Beat generation documentaries this past Monday and followed up last night with Melvin Van Peebles in a documentary about blaxploitation in film.

Fantabulous.

A bitch tips my TiVo remote to thee, Ovation!

Moving forward…

A bitch is in the process of pulling together a plan for my grassroots organization to address Missouri’s medieval law banning comprehensive sex ed from public schools and restricting access to reproductive medical care or counseling throughout the state.

Look for more information on this project in upcoming posts.

A couple of trolls asked…well, it was more like a demand (y’all need to work on your home training)…why a bitch dare try to impose my values on others.

Blink.

Although I am tempted to point out that my anger is in response to Governor Blunt imposing his values on others and to the Missouri legislature drafting a law that encourages ignorance, denies the known data on sex education and is a de facto declaration of war on women…cough…I’m going to go with the following reply instead.

This bitch gives a shit about HB 1055 because of the after that always follows.

I give a shit because I am an activist in my community who has seen what Matt Blunt would have to visit the ‘hood to see (but Lawd knows he prefers to meet his black people photo op quota in more tranquil suburban settings).

I am haunted by women who found out about reproductive options after they became pregnant…who found out about stds after they tested positive…who found out about their worth after they were exploited.

This bitch is there for the after that always follows legislation like HB 1055.

I’m at the shelter you will not fund that is filled to capacity with young mothers in search of the housing you will not approve.

I hold the babies you lost interest in the moment they were born.

I comfort the mothers…the women…my sisters who you will not mentor, volunteer to teach or employ.

So you can bet your ignorant trollified ass I’m going to teach the classes you have attempted to ban through HB 1055.

Got that?

Good.

Now get thee gone…

Declaration of a dangerous woman…

Jumping right on in...

I am a dangerous woman.

I have in my possession a dangerous weapon.

In fact, Governor Blunt finds this weapon so dangerous that he has signed legislation to keep it out of the public domain (gasp).

Oh yes, I am a dangerous woman.

And yes…I have in my possession a powerful weapon.

I have knowledge.

I have an agile mind and the ability to gain additional knowledge.

I have a voice and the ability to share what I know with others.

That, my sisters and brothers, is dangerous as hell.

Just ask Governor Blunt who signed HB 1055 into law!

By doing so Blunt told the women of Missouri that knowing shit is dangerous for us.

Blink.

He told young women that they are better served left in a state of ignorance…that facts are the enemy…and that they can’t be trusted with ideas and or to make the right choices.

HB 1055 declares war on knowledge. It supports abstinence only education despite the success of comprehensive sex education programs which include abstinence.

HB 1055 bans trained sex educators from Missouri classrooms…because Lawd knows we don’t want those pesky degree having intellectuals damaging those fragile young virginal minds with facts.

HB 1055 also includes a provision intended to limit access to abortion care. As a result of new licensing requirements for any facility performing abortions, the St. Louis Planned Parenthood facility may end up being the only provider in Missouri. Because access to safe medical care may result in woman seeking safe medical care (gasp...drop to knees and pray)…and we can’t have that!

Pause…collect thyself…continue.

But HB 1055 is not a victory for the anti-choice movement.

Cough.

Because it pissed off this dangerous as hell because I know shit angry black bitch.

And that was not wise.

In response to HB 1055, this bitch is forming a grassroots organization that will utilize the framework of comprehensive sex education and take it to the streets. More on that to come.

In response to HB 1055, I am asking y’all to join me in reclaiming our most precious right…the freedom to know shit and share the shit we know.

In response to HB 1055, I will commit to partner with existing community organizations to find alternative ways to educate people.

In response to HB 1055, I will commit to reach out to faith communities and deconstruct the myth of education inciting risky behavior...to reframe the discussion for what it should be rather than what The Man wants it to be…and to reaffirm that all God’s children are blessed with self determination and deserve the tools through which to determine shit.

In response to HB 1055, I pledge to resist this attempted revival of the by gone “oooooh, now whatcha black folk/women folk/poor folk need to know how to read fo’!” era of pro- ignorance domination and control.

HB 1055 puts women at risk and that puts my community at risk and I simply will not tolerate that.

HB 1055 is an insult to every intelligent woman in Missouri who has made positive choices from a place of knowledge and is now being told they are better off having a power hungry pseudo religious incompetent and out of touch white man in government make those choices for them.

So thanks Matt, because I woke up this morning fired the hell up.

Don’t get me wrong, I still intend to support efforts to undo this legislative fuck up. I will continue to support rational politicians who legislate on behalf of their constituents rather than pander to the extremists who have hijacked power from the masses here in Missouri.

But I am a citizen activist...I answer to no budget...and my resistance starts now.

Which should come as no surprise, since I am a dangerous woman (wink).

I possess an arsenal of facts and ideas.

Shall we begin...?

Our portrait by Fern!

C-Money and this bitch are fans of a certain Fern Taylor. Her paintings are fantabulous! So when C-Money learned from Fern that she does portraits my sister decided to explore her inner Flemish.

Blink.

Okay, one portrait doesn’t make you Flemish…but you have to admit that those motherfuckers got their portrait on BIG TIME!

So, Fern came over to the house and took several pictures then disappeared to do what painters do.

A few weeks later she presented us with a fantabulous portrait of Sisters with Afros (not the official name, but I’m working on that shit).

See - she even hung it for us!

Pictures really don’t do it justice.

Thank you Fern (artist sitting below portrait)!
For more information about Fern Taylor’s art (did I mention that she also does pet portraits?) visit her web site here.

To my brother on his birthday...

You'll never read this...or maybe you will.

I've long suspected that there are secret talents housed in your puzzle of an autistic mind.

You'll never know how much you have changed my life...how my love for you is beyond measure...how far I'd go to protect you or how often I feel I don't go far enough.

Or maybe you will...maybe you do...maybe you've got all the answers and always have.

Shit, wouldn't that be a wild surprise?

Oh, to have 24 hours of traditional communication with you...to hear you tell me how you really like your Afro cut, what your thoughts are on global warming or if you prefer cats to dawgs.

Blink.

But this autism thing is our normal, isn't it?

So I set aside wishful wonderings and find comfort in the fact that you've never been shy about your opinions even if your method of communication is unique...and high pitched (wince).

I promise to always hug you hard and let you smell my freshly shampooed hair anytime you want to...just don't yank my head when I'm driving.

I will always fret over the intensity of your frustrated anger even though I know that more often than not I get to bask in the glory of your smile...the joy of your happiness.

You...fantastically perfect imperfection.

And who the hell isn't?

Bill...my beautiful blessing.

My beloved older brother.

Happiest birthday wishes, love.

And the first round of yummified sometime food goodness is on me...

By Request - Crushing 2008...

A certain Meg sent a bitch an e-mail wanting to know why my ass hasn’t gone on the record about which, if any, Presidential hopeful I’m supporting.

Based on the offer of a bumper sticker in support of a certain someone this bitch assumes that Meg wants a bitch to throw my support and bitchitude behind her chose candidate.

Interesting sorta-offer…

…but I am undecided.

As a matter of fact a bitch is more than a wee bit worried about anyone who has decided this far out.

But whatever…this bitch certainly understands crushing on a candidate.

I just don’t suffer from that shit.

But Shark-fu, why don’t you suffer from it?

Great question, Meg (wink)!

While candidates scramble to lock in likely voters…appeal to undecided voters…and secure the endorsement of groups representing potential voters…we, the people, have a rare opportunity to ask them shit and perhaps get answers.

Gasp!

What do they mean when they say public education is failing our kids? How do they define failing?

How do they intend to decide on Supreme Court justices?

When was the last time they went to the market and purchased milk?

Why do they want to be President?

How would they address the still present fucktitude of FEMA?

What would they do to make right the wrong done to The Gulf region?

When they say they are pro-choice what does that mean to them?

Are they prepared to go on the record in support of the return of comprehensive sex education to the classroom?

What initiatives do they plan to address the immigration question? Do they think immigration is a problem?

How do they define the job description of President of the United States? What is the role of the President?

Do they support pre-emptive war? Do they agree with The Powell Doctrine?

What are they prepared to do to address the ongoing conflict in Iraq and what are they prepared to do if their plan doesn’t work?

Ho do they intend to maintain the balance between security and liberty?

Pause…sip water…continue…

Meg, a bitch has seen friends fret and delay decisions for weeks over whether or not to purchase a whatnot at Target.

And you can return a whatnot to Target (keep the receipt!!) if you get it home and it looks like shit.

Don’t you think the decision over who will have the power to fuck shit up for the next four years should be approached with caution rather than wrap it up I’ll take it passion?

Hasn’t the long national nightmare that is Bush II- Revenge of the Knave taught us anything?

Candidates should know that they must achieve my vote and earn my support.

So, thanks but no thanks for now on the bumper sticker offer.

This bitch and Ms. Sister Girl Cabrio’s ass shall remain unadorned and undecided...

The "rule of law", my black ass!

Crack knuckles…stretch arms…take sip of water…begin…

A bitch isn’t shocked by anything President Bush related…the man has no shame and thus is capable of anything…but I will admit I wouldn’t have bet on a commuted sentence for Scooter Libby.

This bitch put my money on a full Ford-esque pardon.

Shit, you can't win them all.

But I haven’t really lost the bet yet…unless I am mistaken, Bush can still pardon this felonious motherfucker.

Anyhooo...

Let’s skip the bullshit shall we?

When I read this about Libby’s commutation I immediately thought about this news bit from American political history.

If it walks like a payoff and talks like a payoff we need to call it what it is.

President Bush commuted Libby’s sentence and took away the legal pressure of looming jail time that would have… might have…oh, fuck it y’all know that motherfucker was gonna talk if he went to jail.

Look at him!

He ain't hard.

Cough.

A bitch can't help but imagine how it went down.

Cheney called Bush and kept it real…much like John Dean went in and met with Nixon in the Oval after the initial break it at the Watergate and told him it would take a million dollars to keep those participants quiet.

Cheney explained that Libby wouldn’t hold (he is so not hard) and would piss himself followed by spill the beans within 24 hours of the cell door slamming shut.

Bush initially balked because he was under the delusion that he might actually be able to push through immigration reform and salvage some legislative legacy for his fucked up from the floor up presidency. Then reality hit him upside the head as immigration reform died and was buried.

The duck was declared lame and the way for payoff-based cover-up was made clear.

Cheney called again…said that Libby might open up about the whole Bay of Pigs thing and…

Umm…wrong cover-up...my bad...blame the Sudafed (wink).

Cough.

Cheney called again…President Bush was receptive after gorging himself on lobster and corn on the cob up in Maine and he really doesn’t give a shit anymore…and the commutation was agreed upon.

Bush shat it out with some bullshit about 30 months in jail being excessive (this from a man who failed to find the penalty of death excessive for the mentally ill whilst pseudo-governing Texas) and then he added some insultingly lame ass shit about the fine being a painful punishment(you're joking right) and the loss of his law license being a heavy price (I'm gonna drown in this vat of stankified bullshit)…then a bitch is pretty sure Bush belched and then went back to his lobster.

So, here we are with Scooter Libby not going to jail, only paying a this is the cost of doing bitness in D.C. fine and not really suffering the ramifications for lying to a federal prosecutor, obstructing justice and conspiring with the executive branch to use the weapons of government to wage war against the administration's political enemies so that they could clear the way to wage war against Iraq.

What I don’t get is how anyone can truly be shocked that the same President who subverted the rule of law to go to war would subvert the rule of law to protect the people who helped him subvert the rule of law to go to war.

It’s like sitting down to chat with a dawg and then getting frustrated that all she does is bark.

Blink.

Some thoughts...

A bitch got a lot of shit accomplished this weekend even though a certain sorta-beagle ,Theo, had to be thwarted in his never ending quest to exploit our fenced-in area’s structural weaknesses.

Theo the BayMaster was able to get his leashless walk on twice over the weekend by pushing through an unsecured plank in our fence. The second time I had locked his willful ass in via a chain and he got his Houdini on…slipped out of his collar (a nightmare for any dawg guardian)…pushed through the plank and took off at a prance down the street.

Shit.

C-Money took care of the problem with nail and hammer and fixed the fenec, but I'm still scared to leave his ass out there.

Mercy, doesn’t that dawg know he’s got it good?

Anyhoo, a bitch has some thoughts on some shit.

Quest for paper…
A bitch watched the Sunday political chats and caught a certain Senator Leahy on Meet the Press discussing subpoenas.

As you know Senator Leahy is chairman of the Judiciary Committee. He fired off that he was prepared to go to court in pursuit of documents dealing with the firing of federal prosecutors…the White House having responded to his subpoenas by wrapped itself in the soothing fabric of executive privilege.

Senator Leahy called that move Nixonian…and a bitch agrees to a point.

Playing the executive privilege card may be Nixonian, but Poor Richard didn’t have The 5-4 Supremes as backup.

Gasp!

"Heading for a constitutional crisis", my black ass Russert.

If Senator Leahy’s challenges make it as far as the Supreme Court the ending to that song has already been signed, sealed and is giving off stankified steam while resting on ice ready to be delivered. Victory is a done deal.

Nixon, however, lost his "these tapes are my personal property" challenge to the Supreme Court.

Sigh.

This bitch has always seen that chapter as a constitutional triumph rather than a crisis.

A bitch doubts there are any triumphs, constitutional or political, in our near future.

Which brings me to the Lobster…um, Lob-stah (beat you to it…wink)..Summit.

Sigh.

Lobstah a la Classic Bushified Defiance with herbed butter...
Oh, to take a vacation in beautiful Maine…on the water…with the cool soothing touch of one’s rancid and rotting from within but in total adoration of her son despite his rejection of diplomacy in favor of a shocking succession of international failures…cough…mother on thy brow.

How jolly!

And it is so delightful that the Family Bush just had to invite President Putin to vacation with them.

Delightful…perfection even...a rare opportunity to smooth over a rough relationship with lobster and boating.

Lawd, give me strength!

Am I the only one who finds pictures of Bush and his vile family on vacation at a motherfucking fabillion trillion dollar compound hounding down on fucking lobster whilst sitting overlooking a picturesque bay after having failed to accomplish anything domestic policy-based and while the nation is at war fucking obscene?

Shameless.

Ugh.

And this whole “we’re got to make nice with Russia” spin is so full of shit it begs a large roll of super absorbent toilet paper.

The Lobster Summit isn’t about diplomacy…it’s about posturing.

Mmhmmm.

It’s about bullshitting before the cameras and going through the motions of diplomatic interaction all the while intending to do whatever the hell you want to do regardless of what is said/done/presented/suggested/argued for or advised.

Thus the press is feasting on a dish of Lobstah a la Classic Bushified Defiance...with melted herbed butter on the side.