A bitch reads it for the articles...

Okay, so a bitch finally received my naked ass Vanity Fair. Honest…there are naked women on the cover…naked Hollywood actors…oh, and a fully clothed Tom Ford.

A bitch was already prepared for this shit, having received one too many visits to this blog from Google surfing people trying to get a look at naked women on the cover of Vanity Fair. Somehow, a bitch posted about Vanity Fair and a certain Hollywood actor and Google did its thang…oh, fuck it. No, there are no naked Vanity Fair pictures here!

Anyhoo…a bitch was disturbed.

Tom Ford is fully clothed, which is noteworthy because a bitch thought he was all about being naked these days (wink). And the women are naked. Apparently, this was Mr. Ford’s vision of Hollywood…and a certain Graydon Carter of the Vanity Fair editing Graydon Carters was all for handing over this shit to Tom Ford…even the decision to keep a certain ass crack in, which Tom Ford specifically requested via yellow post-it.

Oh, Graydon! Shame on you.

A bitch was most disturbed by the fierce odor coming out of my Vanity Fair. Since it was wrapped in plastic when it finally made it to my door, a bitch was pretty sure it hadn’t been opened. Yet, it smelled like someone had mixed White Shoulders and Opium in one bottle then tossed in some ripe ass to spice it up. Lawd, it made my eyes water. One of those perfume advertisers lost their motherfucking mind! It’s bad enough to leak scent within my magazine, but to leak nastified scent is going too far.

Whew.

Anyway, the thing about these pictures is that a bitch can’t understand what the fuck they have to do with Hollywood, acting or the work these women did this past year. Oh, and why is Tom Ford in there trying to get in where he fits in? Get naked if you want to, ladies...whatever…but someone in the room should have questioned the relevance of this move.

Sigh.

Long ago, these type of career decisions involved a shady manager, several bottles of 'dolls' and martinis...lots of martinis.

Or did y’all simply fold to Tom Ford’s will like Graydon dearest did?

A bitch could have lived a lifetime without dipping into Tom Ford’s fantasies. They were at once so very 'dirty old man' and yet so typically Victorian. Did someone read Fanny Hill recently, darling?

And Graydon? Talk about expanding readership! Hef better watch his back (wink)…

Rovian Obsession - A Dreamesque Thang...

A bitch just couldn’t get Hillary Clinton out of my mind yesterday. Well, actually my mind was…well, obsessing about Hillary’s statement that Karl Rove is obsessing about her. Lawd, my imagination went wild with this shit!

ABB’s Dream About Karl’s Obsession with Hills (we're tight like that) Clinton…
A certain Karl Rove sat in his favorite leather chair toasting his feet in front of the fireplace. It was a rare evening home for Karl and he struggled to relax…bourbon in hand and jazz on the radio.

Closing his eyes he couldn’t help thinking about her…the woman who haunted his every waking moment and tormented his dreams.

Hillary…oh, glorious Hillary! Why couldn’t he stop thinking about the unattainable?

Slowly Karl opened his eyes and gazed about the dimly lit room. As the music of Kenny G. floated about him, he took in his shrine to Hillary. The walls were covered in framed pictures of her…at college, at law school, in Arkansas, as First Lady and as Senator.

Karl sighed and sank back into his chair.

Lawd, if she only knew how he adored her! If she only knew that he would leap gleefully to the left if only to get one harsh word from her!

But Hillary was not for Karl…and Karl was left with his shrine-like room.

The knock at the door caused Karl to start and spill a wee bit of bourbon.

“What? Damnit all to hell, didn’t I tell you not to disturb me?”...he shouted.

Behind the door came a soft response.

“Sir, there’s something I think you should see.” His assistant/cook/attendant/serf replied.

“Oh very well. Come in.” Karl sighed.

The door opened and Karl’s serf like assistant entered the room. His eyes darted to the multitude of pictures on the wall. Lawd, he thought, this man is such a freak! Carefully masking his expression, the serf-like servant approached Karl.

“Sir, take a look at the paper!” he gasped.

Karl took the newspaper and quickly scanned the front page. His mouth dropped open in shock.

“She knows! How could she possibly know?” he whispered and tore his eyes from the paper to pin his serf-like servant with a cold stare.

“Sir! I have no idea! I’ve said nothing about…”

His frantic statement was cut off sharply by a vicious slap across the face.

“You did this! I should have never trusted you!” Karl raged.

Carefully wiping tears of pain from his face, the serf-like servant composed himself.

“Sir, this is not such a bad thing. You’ve waited all these years to gain Mrs. Clinton’s notice. Now you have it!” he managed, moving a careful distance away.

“Perhaps you are right! Maybe now we can be joined together in eternal...”

The door flew open and there stood Harriet Miers, her face contorted in rage.

“You asshole! You tow timing asshole! Hillary fucking Clinton? Gawd, you are such a perverse asshole!” she screamed.

Suddenly her wild eyes took in the shrine to Hillary on the walls.

“Oh my Gawd, Karl. Oh my goodness. You’re ill…you need help! I adore you and…”

“Shut the fuck up, Harriet. We only had that one night and I was very drunk. Hillary is the one for me!” he paused to regain his composure.

“I see such bitterness in her…a perfect bitter anger that I am unable to resist!”

Harriet threw her head back and laughed.

“Bitter! Bitter? You stupid, stupid man. No one does bitter like a republican! Just look at Bay Buchanan! And I can out bitter that woman any day!” she turned, and then shot his a withering glance over her shoulder.

“One day you’ll realize that all the truly bitter women are within your own party, Karl. One day. Trust me on that!” and Harriet exited to room slamming the door sharply behind her.

But Karl wasn’t paying attention. He returned to his seat and his bourbon with thoughts of Hillary 2008 swimming through his crazed and demented mind…

Mercy.

Who needs soap operas when you’ve got politics? These people are a fucking festival of drama!

Reflections Assisted by PBS...

This bitch is currently enjoying a book sent as a gift, Autobiography of a Blue-Eyed Devil by Inga Muscio. Very stimulating…very, very stimulating! A bitch is getting fired up!

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, oh no! No Sudafed!!!...GULP! And cigs…

Fully congested but bravely moving forward…



Reconstruction…
A bitch caught some good programming on PBS this month. They aired several shows in honor of Black History Month and this bitch was particularly interested in Reconstruction, Jesse James and the St. Louis World's Fair. This bitch, being a Missouri raised bitch, has long heard the tale of Jesse James from his numerous ‘relations’ scattered about the state. Apparently Jesse was a wee bit of a rascal about town…if you know what a bitch means (wink). Although Missouri adores Jesse James, most references to him leave out his passionate support of the Confederacy, membership in the violent Missouri insurgency and general refusal to surrender after the Union was preserved. Oh…and they leave out his family's ownership of slaves too.

Thankfully, PBS decided to tackle the Jesse James myth and the reasons folks hold on to it like a life-line.

Anyhoo…Reconstruction aired first. Y'all should have seen the amazing pictures featured in this segment! A bitch couldn’t help but think of the Gulf region after Katrina. Jesus, Katrina swept through the Gulf like Sherman on his merciless march and this bitch couldn’t get those dual images out of my mind.

A devastated south…masses of displaced citizens…homeless, abandonded and politically inconvenient brown faces…and politics ladled on top like flavorless and watered down cold assed gravy.

And what to make of the latest reconstruction effort. Seems like the same elements are in play. The current administration does not wish to crush the Gulf, but they also do not want to reward the region for willfully standing them down during the post hurricane debacle. Added to that, is the ability to rebuild in their image…a new Gulf region reflecting the Gulf as outsiders would prefer to see it. Which is pretty close to what went down after the Civil War, and that shit only served to pour salt in those southern wounds and reinforce distrust for the whole process.

The stakes are just as high. A few mistakes…a few errors in judgment…just a little trust put to the left when it should have gone to the right or to the right when it should have gone to the left and BAM…you’ve got a motherfucking separatist movement that will thrive in certain regions for over 100 years.

Mmmhmmm…which brings me to Jesse James.

See, Jesse was a border raised Missouri boy to his core. He was pro-slavery, pro-Confederacy…his values and beliefs solidified by the Missouri/Kansas Border War. As most Missourians know, we owe much of our present inability to move beyond to the racial and political divides of the Civil War to our states unique style of Civil War expression…guerilla, militant and brutal to the point of nastification.

Example - after slaying 100 unarmed union soldiers then removing their scalps, genitals and ears…well, it’s a wee bit hard to make nice a few years down the road.

So, regions of Missouri sob over their Civil War battle fields and honor Confederate Remembrance Day and the ‘big cities’ cast desperate eyes to the Devine One and pray that ‘those people’ wake up and realize this war is beyond done…been done…DONE! For the love of Gawd...DONE!

Whew.

Anyhoo…

Jesse never gave up the war. An interesting component of Missouri’s inability to get with the program was the post Civil War disenfranchisement of pro-Confederacy loyalists. Some people were relocated in an attempt to break up insurgent connections and many lost the right to vote during Reconstruction. As a result, these disenfranchised people witnessed Reconstruction…they didn’t participate in it. And they wanted ‘their’ Missouri back.

Lynching…intimidation….segregation and racial tensions lay in the wake of Reconstruction in Missouri. Clearly, Jesse wasn’t alone in his barely controlled fury over a defeated south. The fire was never really put out…embers long tended were easily stirred to flame and Missouri...hell, America...hasn’t been truly united since.




Which brings a bitch to the final show my ass watched this month on PBS…The St. Louis World’s Fair documentary. Specifically, the segment addressing the issue of segregation at the Fair…our Fair…that motherfucking 1904 World's Fair that St. Louis still gets misty about.

Fair attendance was segregated…'negro day' was handled with mixed results, since several vendors refused to serve blacks for fear of loosing white business. One of our city's greatest achievements…like so many parts of the city, built in part with minority labor and participation…became a demonstration of our city's greatest failure.

St. Louis, forever trapped in black and white.

This bitch watched some good shit on PBS this month. Now, as Black History Month comes to an end and the media begs American to remember that the Gulf was hit by a hurricane, all this bitch can do is shudder and sigh.

The challenges are so similar…to reconstruct, heal and revitalize. This time the ingredients appear less volatile, yet the residue of injustice unaddressed still coats our victory pan.

And will our nation turn away…just like before…exhausted by the struggle, discouraged by the distance yet to walk and desperate for denial.

Will this new reconstruction remain half-baked in a forgotten cold oven, within the dirty kitchen of America's house still divided?

Again...

This bitch had a fantastically wonderful birthday celebration of bitchitude! Since my ass doesn’t own a digital camera (color me old school), please check out my brother in bitchitude, Blood Ray, for pics.

Sadly, a bitch was not able to get my act together regarding All About Ann…theatrical organization is hard as a motherfucker! But plans are in the works for A Night of A Thousand Anns. Current plans are to have folks attend as Ann Coulter or an Anti-Ann Coulter themed thang.

Whew!

Anyhoo…so much to bitch about and so little time!

Jumping in with the first dose of bitchitude...

Again...
It didn’t take those motherfuckers long, did it? South Dakota has passed a piece of shit the size of...well, Montana through their state legislature. The Governor plans to sign it…and ban all abortions in the state with no exceptions for cases of rape or incest. Oh…but they’re willing to be compassionate if a woman’s life is in the balance.

Nice of them, huh?

So, now what? Well, Planned Parenthood has promised to fight this shit. And that fight will likely end up in the Supreme Court…which is now well stocked with anti-choice freaks.

Mercy!

This bitch is disgusted, disturbed and freaked out. Americans have an amazing ability to forget the not so distant past.

That foggy thang called history…when women had no choice. And a bitch can’t help but wonder how far this assault will go.

A bitch sees beneath the scab…to the puss ridden infection that is the true debate.

This battle is about choice...all choice. The unspoken war cry is for government control over women’s bodies, health and decisions. The leap from abortion to birth control to all control is a series of small skips and a bitch simply can’t understand why motherfuckers can’t see this for what it is!

How long will it take for these motherfuckers to start challenging the pill? Seriously, they are already munching like ravenous beasts on the morning after pill, sex ed and the ability to seek medical advice and contraception without parental consent.

This is a war and abortion is the first front!

There is a part of me that almost wants to see America experience life without choice…again. Mayhap the pain, suffering, botched back alley medical torture and general degradation will bring about some motherfucking sanity...again.

But the cost of re-learning the already learned...the painful lessons of America without choice...those costs are too high to endure...again.

In lives.

In damage to our society.

In all the things that we say we value then turn around and willfully flush down the toilet as if these rights were an afterthought and not won through the blood, sweat, tears, struggle...oh yes, and the lives of too many.

Lawd, give me strength.

Yeah, we will do this...again.

We can re-learn the already learned…again.

Re-educate the masses by bearing witness to suffering...again.

But how many of us want to pay the cost of this war...again?

It’s February 27, 2006 and a bitch hears the sound of war in the air.

Again.

Mercy...not again...

Off until Monday...!

A bitch has been busy as a motherfucker!

Bitchitude shall return Monday...

Toodles!

Japan's golden moment...

C-Money and this bitch caught the Women's Figure Skating finale last night. My ass wasn't surprised by the United States performance...unlike everyone at NBC.

Emily Hughes was a joy! Bless her for actually having fun out there!

Sasha did what Sasha does. It's not her fault that the weight of the world was heaped on her shoulders by the desperate for ratings by any means necessary NBC public relations team.

Kimmie will be back and she has much to be proud of!

But the night belonged to a beautiful, talented and accomplished skater from Japan. Her face said it all...the determination, the nerves, the anxiety, the shocked joy and the bewildered pride as she stepped onto the top podium and into Olympic history.

Her name is Shizuka Arakawa...and last night she was golden.

Friday Night Bitchfest!

Mmmkay...

Sweetie Pie's at 6:30pm for smothered Mississippi goodness. Note to vegetarians: y'all might want to skip this one since almost everything is cooked with some manner of meat. Feel free to join us (love ya!!), but a bitch doesn't want anyone to get ill or violate some sort of serious thang.

Post Sweetie Pie's all parties will converge on AMP (they've been warned) for vodka crans and debauchery. Try to house shots...yum!

All About Ann is slightly up in the air, but a reading may take place...who the hell knows! A bitch knows that my ass isn't cut out for theatre...LAWD!

Anyhoo...see you!

Shit storms on top of shit storms...

This bitch had a wonderfully indulgent birthday! Cupcakes, yummy potent berry-like shots and vodka crans were all consumed in vast quantities.

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Dubai or not Dubai?
This bitch has witnessed with some amusement the mass revolt against a certain President Scooter B. by the party faithful and Democrats in protest of the pending handover of 6 United States ports to a company owned by the United Arab Emirates.

This situation brought to light the fact that ports are foreign owned/operated in the first place. It also threw into the spotlight the negative side of this administrations pitch to not trust anything Middle Eastern.

Members of the United States government from both sides of the aisle are calling for a hold on this pending deal. They have expressed concerns that the United Arab Emirates has connections to Al Qaeda…two of the September 11 highjackers were from the UAE. And there is the ever present concern that most items shipped through United States ports go unscreened…which is troublesome no matter which country owns the port.

Scooter B. is once again surprised that he no longer holds the trust of the masses. He has threatened a veto of any legislation presented to halt the deal and even went so far as to accuse opponents of the deal of being racist against the UAE. Basically, Scooter B. feels that the UAE is an ally and that we should “reward” our allies for “playing by the rules”.

Further complicating the situation is the fact that our friends in London, who apparently owned the port, are selling it and really don’t want to hear us fuss about them selling something to whomever they want to.

And so chaos reigns again in Washington D.C.!

Senator Joe Biden…Joey B. to this bitch…made the case against the deal on CNN this morning.

“Columbia is our ally in the War on Drugs and I don’t see us putting them in charge of immigration or border control”…or something like that came out of Joey B. on CNN.

Nice.

To which the President’s minions are replying…this deal has been “scrubbed” and is not putting America at risk, y’all need to trust us and shut the fuck up.

Hmmmm.

And there in is the motherfucking problem. Scooter B. is facing two storms of his own creation.

Storm #1 – The Loosing of Hearts and Minds Domestically
Scooter B. is a fuck up. Amazingly, the American people can withstand multiple examples of fuckeduptitude before they feel compelled to call anyone on it. Thus, Scooter B. has been living with a false sense of security…believing that his 'say it and it will be' tactics would hold until he could flee Washington for Texas and put this whole nasty leadership experience behind him.

But the people are now doubtful…and Congress is in revolt. Democrats are seizing on this public relations debacle to get some footing in the domestic security game. Republicans, having recently checked out Scooter B.’s ass in search of coattails are now horrified at the notion of midterm elections on his fubar record.

This bitch thinks that this incident exposes the weakness in Rovian diplomacy. Rove is the great brand generator, but has failed in actual policy development. Karl, as the man behind Scooter B.'s 'say it and it will be' technique, may have actually believed that shit. Now they are all faced with a rather bitter harvest…and attacks on an international deal tied to our nation’s integrity and honesty at the negotiating table.

Way to fucking go!

Storm #2 – You ordered it and now you’ve got to eat it
The public relations machine behind Scooter B.’s power brilliantly seized upon his perceived strength in the national security arena and rode that horse all the way back to the White House. The strategy was simple. America has enemies, only Scooter B. and his minions appreciate just how much those enemies hate us, we live in a post-September 11th world, be very afraid, Osama is still out there planning tons of shit and then be very afraid some more.

It worked…perhaps a wee bit too well.

The American people are now conditioned to distrust all things Middle Eastern. So, when the same President who told them a region was our enemy then turns around and says 'my bad, what I meant to say was some folks in the region' it looks like, smells like and is bullshit. The people don’t want to hear that the United Arab Emirates are our ally. The people don’t want to hear that we should trust them. Because the people have not seen a tangible victory in the Middle East.

See, Scooter B. and the minions of D.C. created a monster in the image of the Soviet Union, Germany and Japan. Their spin lumped the entire Middle East into one big pile of danger, our war as the war to end all wars, Iraq and the only hope for regional stability and victory as a defined thing. In that screenplay, the American people are anticipating a huge battle against this single regional enemy which will result in a triumphant American victory…a formal surrender and some sort of treaty signing…a decade of stereotypical bigotry and distrust…and the slow rebuilding of a relationship in which said single regional enemy understands who Daddy is.

Now, a bitch would like to be optimistic about this shit. Really, my ass would! But this administration doesn’t have a good track record with handling huge ‘you should have anticipated this shit and were warned it would happen but now you wanna act surprised then fuck up the management, clean up and all things related’ storms…much less two right on top of each other.


Do they, chil’ren?

Loving on Bitch Magazine...

Bitch Magazine is 10 years old!

Congratulations and thank you too.

Get Bitch gear and subscribe!

Birthday fantabulousness and some inner work...

Thank you to everyone who sent birthday wishes to this bitch!

This is also my blog anniversary…and trust that this bitch never thought my ass would be saying that.

One year ago, Brother Rob Thurman gave this bitch a birthday present and a bitch is grateful. To be honest, my ass enjoyed reading blogs but never envisioned myself writing one. But this has become quite a fun place to voice my opinions, share my thoughts and practice the fine art of bitchitude.

Thanks Rob.

Moving forward and feeling every one of my 33 years…

Some inner work...
A bitch has a pet peeve that is worthy of exploration on my birthday.

Ageism.

A bitch entered the corporate world a wee bit younger than some…not younger than all. At 20, this bitch fell victim to age specific discrimination. My first job was in an office full of women in both management and support roles. And the office was racially diverse. Yet, a bitch was subjected to passive aggressive digs, inappropriate use of language and some overt discrimination based on my age.

Now this bitch has been around enough people of varying ages to know that age is nothing but a number. My ass was quite disappointed to witness that getting older didn’t mean getting wiser.

A bitch knows better than to connect age with wisdom. Some dumb motherfuckers are more than double my age and some wise people are half my age...and vice versa.

Yet lately this bitch has found myself saying that a person’s stupid behavior is because they are “young” and have some “living yet to do”.

Gasp!

And nothing pisses me off more than practicing a behavior with others that annoys the hell out of me when others do it to me. Shit and double shit!

So, a bitch is going to address this issue and do some inner work.

No more "girl", "kid" or "youngster"!

Gawd, a bitch can’t stand that shit.

Whew.

A bitch feels better now.

And once this bitch has completed my inner work, my ass can then begin calling motherfuckers out when they do it to me (wink).

Ahhh…the joy of self improvement!

A Quizzical...

A bitch was thinking about the recent church fires down South. They are believed to be linked and it seems that investigators have some good leads. Hopefully, they can solve these crimes quickly before more historic churches burn to the ground.

No, this bitch is not a church going gal. But a bitch respects all places of worship... particularly small older churches where the history is written into every age spot on the floor and every nick on the wall. A bitch grew up in a small yet overflowing historic black Baptist church...the kind that heats up like a furnace 15 minutes after serviec begins and makes Sister So & So rapidly fan herself for fear of presperation.

My ass was wondering what the major 'war on Christianity' organizations were saying about these fires. A bitch thinks that the War on Christmas was up to debate, but a bitch can’t argue that someone has a beef with something when they commit arson and target so many churches in such a short time.

So this bitch took a detour and visited both Focus on the Family and Southern Baptist Convention online. In the past, these web sites have been used to rally the faithful on all manner of topics.

Well, Focus on the Family had nothing about the church arsons! Nothing at all. They weren’t even listed as a Hot Topic, like single parenting, homosexuality, abortion and porn! Clearly, they are distracted by the upcoming meeting of gay non-gay gays here in St. Louis this weekend. And who would dare question them coming here to attemtp to degayify gay gays rather than going down South to help small communities rebuild their church homes?

Umm...you got it in one. This bitch!

Moving forward...

The same was true of Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), which did have an Adopt a Church link but that was related to churches damaged in Hurricane Katrina or Rita. They also dedicate extensive web space to the SBC Annual Meeting in Greensboro…hurry up y'all and get a 'group rate' discount!

Mercy.

And so a bitch was left feeling quizzical about this.

One would think that these organizations would be all over this news. At the very least a bitch would have hoped that these two sites would have something set up for concerned members to donate to help rebuild these small rural churches...many of which were Baptist and of various racial and cultural backgrounds.

And what of the mega churches that now dominate some cities? Why not call for them to scale back on some project…yeah, put that indoor pool on hold and help rebuild a rural church burned to the ground.

Huh?

Yeah, a bitch isn't holding my breath.

Sigh.

But a bitch is happy to report that local churches and volunteers are stepping up and helping out.

Mayhap the enraged mega church attending anti-choice degayification convention holding Evangelical faux-community could learn a lesson from the emotionally connected, underfunded yet willing to help out a neighbor real community…

Clean...

My fondest birthday wish is that folks get out and volunteer in their communities. Yeah, it’s kind of corny but a bitch doesn’t need much for myself except to be among friends and family…and vodka and cran (wink). Whether through work or some other outlet, this bitch sincerely wishes that everyone experience the satisfaction of being a volunteer!

And on that note with extreme happiness at a birthday present a day early…

Clean…
This bitch started volunteering in the St. Louis community several years ago. Although my background is not in social work or mental health, this bitch found being a volunteer to be both rewarding and not all that hard. There were tons of resources and people to help me out and the young women at the shelter are amazing and inspiring too.

My first year volunteering at the shelter was the ultimate learning experience. The shelter houses 10 families of single teen moms and their chil’ren. Some of the moms had an unplanned pregnancy and some of them were pregnant as the result of rape. All of them were homeless and the shelter provided mental health counseling, transitional housing support and assistance with continuing education and job placement. Although a bitch tried to remain detached and just teach my classes, my ass quickly bonded with some of the young women.

One young lady in particular really worked her way into my heart. She was very shy and withdrawn, even with her 2 month old little girl. And, therefore, a bitch was challenged to make her feel at ease and get her excited about the various topics. Over time she began to get more vocal and engage in our various discussions. She was so bright and serious…a mother at 16 years old with so much responsibility on her shoulders.

One day we were chatting after class and a bitch shared with her how impressive her work was. She ducked her head and said that there was nothing impressive about her.

“You don’t know me. I’m not special at all. I’m not clean and I’ll never be clean again.”

A bitch asked her what she meant, careful to keep my voice even and my tone without judgment.

She then shared with me that she had been raped. She did not report the incident to police. Three months later she found out she was pregnant. A few weeks after that, her family booted her out of the house.

While struggling to remain calm, my ass also struggled against rage. No woman should have to endure what this young woman went through. A bitch talked to her about her dreams and hopes…her plans and fears…her insecurities and self doubt. She was seeing a counselor, working full time and studying for her GED.

With classes each week and sometimes on the weekend, a bitch saw this young woman a lot. When our classes came to an end, a bitch was thrilled to hear that she was moving into transitional housing with her baby. She had completed her GED and was now working full time. A bitch moved on to a new set of young mothers, but that young woman never left my mind or my heart.

So, this morning a bitch called the shelter to schedule my voter education classes. After some general conversation and serious scheduling, my contact shared that this young mother had called the shelter to inquire about me a few weeks ago. She wanted to know if 'that proper talking girl still taught those classes’. Just hearing that brought a smile to my face.

“How is she doing, by the way?”…my ass couldn’t help but ask.

“Oh, she’s having the darndest time!”... my contact stated.

Oh no! A bitch’s stomach dropped. Shit!

“She’s had to reschedule her second semester classes around work and is frustrated. But we told her that this might happen and it will all work out."

What? Second semester classes?

Yes, that young woman who touched my soul was trudging her way through college. She wants to be...will be...a social worker. And she wanted to know if a bitch still taught classes there because she was interested in dropping by and saying hello.

We hooked up on the phone a few minutes ago and a bitch hopes to see her next week and hear all about the perils of college (wink).

A bitch is sharing this story with her permission. She got a real kick out of my request and a bitch got a real kick out of hearing her laugh. She told me laughingly that she started out wanting to prove me wrong…that she wasn’t capable of the things a bitch kept telling her she was capable of…that she was somehow forever flawed. But then she started to enjoy the small successes, the feeling of achievement when she received her GED…the feeling of accomplishment when she paid her bills and cleaned her home. And she just wanted to let me know that she was happy…pissed at her new schedule at school, but happy. Her baby is a wild child, she said, with that quirky parental pride in her voice.

And this bitch can’t wait to see them both next week…its like knowing what my present is, but having to wait a week to unwrap it!

In my few years as a volunteer my ass has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. For every success story there is one of a continued struggle, and for every one of those there is the possibility of success, however it is defined.

Of all the things a bitch could have been given for my birthday a day early, hearing that one of my first sorta-students was living…participating…surviving and so much more just made my fucking year!

Clean.

Torino - The Battle of a Bitch's Flee-to Countries!

UPDATE: Congratulations Team Canada for a fantabulous Gold Medal victory in Women's Hockey!

And major congratulations to Team Sweden for taking the Silver and Team USA for taking the Bronze!

Okay, so a bitch had to take some time to recover from Sweden’s resounding defeat of the U.S. Women’s Hockey Team in Torino. My ass has concluded that any team or indivudual who talks to Katie Couric prior to competing is doomed to fail...DOOMED! The woman is a curse walking!

Sob.

Lawd, a bitch was unable to cheer properly for Sweden out of respect and loyalty for the U. S. Women's Hockey team...who then got blown away by Sweden in a rather good reenactment of the 1980 U.S. Men's Hockey Miracle on Ice. And, hello...we're supposed to win those reenactments ladies!

Sob again.

And it doesn’t get easier!


Tonight, Sweden and Canada skate against each other for the Gold! Umm, and Silver.

Oh, the horror!

Nothing to do but inhale Smarties and just watch the whole thing unfold via satellite television!



But a bitch has been justified in my chosen flee to lands. Silver and Gold in women’s hockey…which is the element all flee-to countries should be judged on.



Enter into history, Shani Davis...
Congrats to a certain United States Speed Skater for representing the South Side of Chicago all the way to a gold medal!

Go on, with you bad self…

Oh...yeah...and congrats the the United States Women's Hockey team for winning Bronze. Y'all stick rock in a bitch's book!

Some thoughts...

This bitch had a fantastically lazy weekend, which my ass needed in a big way.

AngryBlackBitch Festitude Update…
Lawd, a bitch’s birthday is this Wednesday! Okay, a bitch has planned this shit as much as my ass plans to plan it. Friday night a bitch shall indulge in a feast of smothered yumminess at Sweetie Pie’s. This bitch is thinking 7ish.

Festivities shall then move to AMP on Manchester. Vodka crans will be consumed and then things will simply evolve. A bitch hates to over structure my debauchery (wink), so my ass will simply say that we’ll be at AMP for some time or until they throw us out.

Educating voters…
A bitch has been planning my 2006 Voter Education curriculum. As some of you know, this bitch conducts voter education classes at several area women’s shelters. Each year, a bitch goes through all things government and voting related. There is nothing more powerful than an educated voter. My classes kick off with the United States Citizenship Test, which is kind of fun to take if you are already a citizen. Give it a whirl! It’s amazing how many of us blessed with citizenship at birth couldn’t pass this thing…sad and amazing. Anyhoo, this bitch is excited to get down to business and register these young women to vote!

Some thoughts on control and anger...
Since a bitch is an angry bitch, my ass gets a lot of anger-related feedback. Many people are rather angry that other people get angry! Lawd, y’all should have seen how many angry motherfuckers materialized after my King Kong post.

Anger scares some people because it is associated with a loss of control. A bitch sees anger as another expression of passion…and this bitch has nothing but pity for people who fear passion. Anti-anger advocates concern me…they seek to remove passion because it fuels action and Gawd forbid the masses get off their fucking asses and act on some shit. These anti-anger advocates would rather see the masses peacefully eat their Soylent Green, never questioning the ingredients.

A bitch once met a man who said he never got angry. He and his wife nodded…calmly…and he went on to say that he didn’t 'care for' anger. This bitch couldn’t help but mourn the fact that this fellow has never enjoyed some of the side benefits to relationship anger...a good angry bout of sex or even make up sex after a massively angry fight. And what of his blood pressure? All that pent up rage...because everyone gets angry or takes meds to inhibit getting angry...isn't healthy.

My ass wanted to take him aside and tell him that he was missing out on all those passionate juices getting stirred up. Jesus, he probably never lost control…never threw anything or tore something up…never threw caution to the wind…never gave a shit enough to loose control. And looking at him, a bitch saw the absence of passion….neither dark nor light…never reaching the agony or the ecstasy of full emotional expression.

For about an hour a bitch was truly concerned for this couple. Then my ass said fuck it...they’ve made their bed and chosen to lay in it very calmly and with extreme civility.

This bitch favors the control of loosing control. A bitch adores the explosion and doesn’t mind cleaning up the mess.

And this bitch rejects the notion that passion and anger are inappropriate. That school of thought harkens back to the days when 'good girls' didn’t raise their voices, break a sweat or have an orgasm. Generations have suffered and struggled so that we can shout, scream and let some energy out.

So, scream...

Shout!

Go on, now...

Let some energy out!

By request...Betsey the sorta-beagle!

This is Betsey the sorta-beagle. She's not sad...that's just her face.

Betsey is a retired hunting dawg. Well...to be honest, a bitch suspects the phrase 'that hound don't hunt' might apply to Miss Thang thus she was booted from the pack.

Their loss...a bitch's gain!

And Betsey got a cool tattoo out of it (on her belly, but you can't really see in this picture).

Toodles!

Fear followed by loathing...

We’re gonna jump right in, chil’ren…

A curious advertisement appeared in Newsweek magazine’s February 20, 2006 edition. On page 75 there is a full page policy statement from an organization called Coalition for a Humanistic Euro-British Canada. A bitch did a quick Google search and found a CBC write up about the same policy statement. The Coalition for a Humanistic Euro-British Canada (whew...wordy as a motherfucker) would like to limit immigration to Canada to include only Europeans and Brits. They would also like to see English become universally adopted as the official language for the world. Which begs the question…does this motherfucker not realize that English is not universally spoken in Europe?

Anyhoo...

This bitch found it fascinating that this ad would be placed in Newsweek here in the United States. A bitch isn’t saying that Newsweek shouldn’t have taken the ad…but it is curious that this very Canadian issue should be advocated here. Could it be that Michael Chessman, founder of this coalition, is trying to rally a North American European/British immigration push? A bitch decided to ask Mr. Chessman via e-mail…he has yet to respond. But then it did come from angryblackbitch@yahoo.com (wink).

The obvious flaw here…please let it be obvious…is that limiting immigration to Europeans and/or Brits in no way guarantees that those immigrants will be white. There are multi-generational families of various cultural backgrounds who are European or British. But it seems clear that Mr. Chessman would like to see some white immigrants come forth and repopulate Canada. But that’s not right, either…Canada, like the United States, was pre-populated with First Nations long before the European invasion.

Hmmm. That’s a tough one. Clearly Michael said fuck it…he wants 'English speaking immigrants' and he wants them now!

A bitch sees this issue with American eyes.

Fear followed by loathing…
A bitch lives in St. Louis and St. Louis is an immigrant city. The French founded it and the masses followed. Italians, Germans, Irish and so forth all made the River City their home. And each new group was treated to the legendary St. Louis cold shoulder.

We are slow to warm up unless you went to high school here (go Vikings!).

Most blacks originally came to Missouri as slaves, but a huge population immigrated here during the great Northern migration in the 1900’s. Chinese immigrants settled here too, following the westward expansion of the country. Later years have brought immigrants from just about everywhere, most recently Bosnia.

Yeah…St. Louis, like all of America, has always been a haven for immigrants.

And with immigration comes ignorance, discrimination, oppression and bullshit built on a foundation of low self esteem and fear.

When this bitch attended college out East my ass found out that quotas had existed at elite universities that restricted Jews from attending.

A bitch lived in Boston and learned that storefronts used to have signs that read Irish need not apply.

A bitch visited New York and learned that horrible stereotypes and depictions were widely accepted about Italian immigrants.

This bitch lives in St. Louis, where street names were changed during World War II to erase the city's German heritage.

And in East St. Louis there was a horrific race riot in the early 1900s that resulted from white worker's fears that relocating black laborers would take their jobs at a lower wage.

The same might not be true of Canada, but American immigration policy is well interpreted through fear and loathing. The 'original other' acting in fear against the 'new other'.

What gets lost in the deep valley of insecurity and self doubt is the fact that diversity was part of the American experiment from day one.

And a bitch has always been fascinated by people who automatically assume that they are being denied or threatened when someone else is given an opportunity.

Did that 'other' get the job you should have...or did the 'other' get the job you weren't ever going to get?

Maybe it’s just less painful on that ego to blame the Bosnian next door…

A bitch will letcha know if Mr. Chessman decides to share.

A nomination!

A bitch just learned that AngryBlackBitch has been nominated for The 2005 Koufax Awards: Most Humorous Blog!

Well, shit.

Y'all have a sistah feeling triumphant and shit.



It's an honor to be nominated.



Thanks to whoever put a bitch's name out there...now back to your regular bitch-based badassed programming.

Does someone have a Gawd complex?

Happy Thursday, chil’ren!

A bitch has been sitting here inhaling Smarties. Fantabulous! My ass expects to reach a sugar coma soon.

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

A note about potty mouthism…
A certain Anonymous posted a rather odd comment declaring that a bitch is a Potty Mouth. Having not heard that phrase since grade school, a bitch had a good laugh. It always amazes me when folks take issue with swearing or cursing or cussing of whatever the fuck you call it. This bitch adores colorful language…and it is just that, language.

The history of naughty language is fantastical. Words come in and out of social acceptance as cultures change and evolve. My favorite former naughty word is knave. People used to get their ass kicked for calling someone a knave…you’ve gotta love that. Go ahead…say it.

Knave.

Just rolls on out and slaps a motherfucker, doesn’t it?

Anyhoo, a bitch thanks Anonymous for pointing out the obvious and invites that knave to piss off!

Does someone have a Gawd complex…?
Yesterday’s news cycle was all about Dickie C.’s confessional non-confessional on FOX news. Our stoned faced Vice President took responsibility for shooting his hunting partner, but declared that he had no obligation to inform the American people about the circumstance of the shooting or the shooting itself in a timely manner.

A bitch still has questions regarding this incident. Dickie C. admission that he had a beer at lunch doesn’t exactly put to bed my notion that he was drunk off his ass and held the news of this shooting up until his blood alcohol level settled. If this was a personal trip with friends, then a bitch would like confirmation that my motherfucking tax dollars didn’t slide into the mix. Did Mr. Cheney pay for his Secret Service protection out of pocket? Did this bitch and my fellow Americans pay for his transportation to the ranch in Texas? In my mind, the Vice President is correct…if this was a private trip off the company dime the rules are different. But a bitch questions just how off the company dime this trip was. And a bitch also questions the notion that the President or the Vice President can ever truly be 'off the company dime' and unanswerable to the public…by whose will they hold office.

Having said that, a bitch thinks Dick Cheney may have a Gawd complex.

Since his boss, Scooter B., doesn’t have a strong understanding of his job description it’s not a huge leap to assume that Dickie C. is also confused. It dawned on me that the only time theses assholes here their job description as detailed in the United States Constitution is when they are officially accepting the job during the swearing in ceremony. And who’s going to start asking questions in front of the world? Can you imagine it?

“Umm, hold on a second. Did you say my job is the preserve and protect the Constitution of the United States of America? Oh! Glad you said something!”

Anyhoo, a bitch read this shit with some concern. It seems that our Vice President is thinking independently. More importantly, our Vice President is also acting independently. The news that the Vice President interprets his powers to be vast and without question shines a new light on some of his past behavior.

For example, those controversial closed door meetings with…well, a bitch isn’t sure who he met with since he refused to answer any questions other than to say that he met with energy ‘people’ to discuss the nation's energy policies. A bitch was concerned enough with the news that the Vice President, who has some serious ties to the energy industry, but that was before he clarified his ‘powers’ to be omnipotent. Now, a bitch wonders what major policy decisions Dickie C. made in that room. Mercy!

So, the Vice President can declassify national security information, make policy decisions behind closed doors then not issue any statement about what decisions were made and shoot people at will.

That doesn’t sound very American to me or Gawdlike to this bitch. Nope. Dickie C. must not have a Gawd complex.

This is more minionesque behavior.

By request…Behold, Rufus!

For C-Money with love.

With the frenzy and confusion about who fucked up Katrina relief, who shot who where and why, and all things war related it’s easy to overlook the crowning of a champion.

Rufus, a bitch is impressed!

Way to go, you dawg-like thing!

Now, a bitch has some issues with pure bred dawgs. This bitch lives in a state famous for puppy mills and meth, so an industry that promotes the pure over a good old fashioned mutt rubs me wrong.

But a bitch adores all things canine and couldn’t help but watch the Westminster Dawg Show last night.

ABB’s Completely Made up Shit about That Dawg Show…
C-Money nursed a beer in agitated frustration as her favorite, a fancy assed Rottweiler named Shaka Zulu, started out strong then seemed to get flustered when it came time for Best in Show. Our living area seemed to pulse with the tension as Shaka squared off with that sassy Golden Retriever and a certain Bull Terrier named Rufus.

C-Money’s scowl grew as the crowd loudly proclaimed their adoration for the Golden Retriever.

“What the fuck? Hello!?! The Rott, motherfuckers! The Rott!” she muttered angrily.

“But that Golden retriever is so cute, Money! Look…see that smile?” a bitch replied.

“Shit, anyone with an ounce of sense can see that Shaka is the shit.” C-Money replied.

A bitch, always one to cave to any indictment of my senseliness (wink), quickly switched allegiance to Shaka.

Oh Shaka!

Go forth and win one for all the Rotts of the world who endure fear and misunderstanding!

Go, Shaka...go!

Shaka?

No! No!! Bad dawg.

He became distracted and confused during Best in Show. And that fucking Golden Retriever seemed to prance with renewed enthusiasm. What an asshole! Cocky little motherfucker.

The tension grew. The judge reviewed and then noted his decisions.

C-Money leaned forward.

A bitch took a long sip of vodka followed by cran.

What?

What!

The Bull Terrier?

You’ve gotta be shitting me!

Pause. Sip more vodka cran and watch as steam rises off of C-Money.

Fuck it. That dawg is cute as a motherfucker.

“C-Money?” a bitch asked quietly.

“What?”

“You can’t be mad! Everyone loves a terrier!” this bitch replied with fiendish joy.

“Fuck you, Shark-fu. Fuck you and your terrier loving ass.” C-Money shot back with a twinkle in her eye.

Who needs the Olympics, chil'ren?

This day belongs to the dawgs...

In heaven the streets are paved with Smarties!

My blog brother in Montreal, Jeremy of the Canadian Jeremys, has sent forth a fantastical selection of Smartie-based joy!

Lawd, the sheer selection is amazing!

There are Smarties in a heart shaped box, the traditional box of Smartie goodness, Smartie mini-eggs and…a giant chocolate heart filled with Smartie-based fantabulous goodness!

Oh...

Ummm…

Give me a minute…

YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes YEEEESSS!

Jeremy, if a bitch weren’t already play married to a funk loving gay white man who makes fantasmic collard greens…and you weren’t already married for real because y’all can do that in Canada…this bitch would totally make you my Play Husband (wink)!

Hmmm...but you could be my Montreal-based Play Cousin.

Oh the joy!

Thank you Jeremy! For this, a bitch shall forgive all of Canada for kicking Sweden’s ass in Women’s Ice Hockey (8-1) in Torino. Ouch!

Toodles and adoration!

Just a touch of love...a little bit...

Cranky Prof has inspired a bitch!

What a bitch loves...in no particular order…

1. A slow walk through the park in autumn surrounded by vibrantly colored leaves, with the air just touched with a chill and a cozy house waiting for me upon my return.


2. Apple pie a la mode for breakfast.


3. My family, by blood and by the grace of Gawd.


4. A really good Crème Brulee and a side of coffee.


5. The sound of babies laughing.


6. That feeling of exhausted relief after a good, long, hard emotional cry.


7. Sitting around with nothing my ass has to do and shooting the shit with C-Money and/or friends.


8. Soul food eaten at a table surrounded by soulful people.


9. Jazz...the way Miles played it...


10. Wit, humor and a well phrased sentence.

Degayification...

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This bitch is a single bitch, but my ass enjoys a day dedicated to love anyway.

Hordes of chocolate don’t hurt either (wink)!

2 cups coffee with Splenda and yummy 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…



A word on the legions of degayified gays coming to St. Louis…
As many of you are aware, a certain anti-gay and yet so very gay convention of wanna-be degayified gays will be coming to St. Louis to celebrate their un-gay gayness…and get their freak on at Mardi Gras.



Since a bitch will be out and about celebrating my birth…and Mardi Gras…and the invention of vodka…my ass would like to invite all the degayified gays coming to town to party down! Now, you will be amongst lots of ‘gay gays’ and allied straights…and everyone will be tossing back vodka crans at gay bars…but a truly degayified non-gay gay should be able to hold out against temptation. Right?

So, welcome gay degayified non-gays! You will be experiencing St. Louis at its most debaucherous…and we promise to provide a fantabulous testing ground for your newly degayified self (wink).

Oh, and when we see your confused ass at those bars…feel free to buy a bitch a vodka cran! That’s vodka and cran with no lime, honey. And easy on the ice.

Speaking of degayification in practice…

Anti-gayness isn’t just about legions of self-hating gay non-gays descending upon St. Louis. It’s also about money, honey!

Lots and lots of money…that our federal government is hemorrhaging in an effort to degayify the United States military. That’s right, our military’s Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell policy is costing some serious cash.

How much money, ABB?

Brace yourselves, chil’ren.

Degayification of the United States military costs some $363.8 million dollars over 10 years.

Mmmmmhmmm.

Who knew homophobia was so expensive? Ouch...that price tag sure does clash with those traditional values! This bitch wonders how long Uncle Sam plans to walk around broke as a motherfucker sporting that expensive degayed uniform before he goes in for a make-over?

Usually, when money talks The Man listens. Just don't expect any social equality to come bundled in with that recruitment package...you may want to recall that the desegregation of the military took place in 1948 and the Voting Rights Act in 1965.

My prediction?

Queer Eye for the Recruitment Challenged is about to go into pre-production…

Duck, motherfucker!

This bitch spent yesterday on my comfy sofa-like thing, under blankets watching the Sunday morning political chat shows. But the real news didn’t break until later in the day!

Dick Cheney shot his homeboy!

A bitch isn’t proud of my initial reaction…which was to laugh like a maniac for, oh maybe 10 minutes. Yeah…a bitch needs to work on that compassion thang. But Lawd! Can you believe that shit? How many times has a sitting Vice President had the words ‘shot someone’ associated directly with him?

Oh. Well shit. How could a bitch forget Aaron Burr? Well, the Burr Vice Presidency makes Cheney’s little hunting accident look pathetic!

Or maybe not.

Maybe the Spawn of Satan had an episode. Maybe he got pissed off at this Harry Whittington character and decided to take his ass out! Or maybe he just had a general anger management incident. Shit…he’s been under a lot of pressure…oh who the fuck buys that? Cheney is the Ice Man. If he shot someone he meant to do it or was inspired to do it by a cool throbbing anger that crept into his veins…his blood pressure most likely didn’t even go up! Yeah… all Hannibal Lectoresque. Mmmmhmmm.

Which got a bitch thinking…why would everyone assume that Dick Cheney didn’t take a shot at this dude? Taking into account the Burr factor, it’s not as if Vice Presidents haven’t let their temper get the best of them before.

And then it dawned on a bitch…this is some sort of privilege in action. See, Dick Cheney gets the benefit of the doubt! He's old, rich, white, presumably straight…he’s got no reason to attempt to kill his 78 year old hunting buddy.

Right?

And that got a bitch thinking about the Mistress of Rancidity, Ann Coulter…and her recent call for the poisoning of a Supreme Court Justice by loyal minions. She got the benefit of the doubt too. And it’s not as if wacky assed crazy talking white women haven’t tried to knock high ranking political folks off in the past. Ann getting the benefit of the doubt really pisses me off…she’s not even human!

But this automatic enforcement of the race card explains a lot. Shit, no wonder The Man is willing to go to extraordinary lengths to maintain power in a country that no longer reflects his ilk as a majority! Lawd, these people can shoot someone in front of the Secret Service and get away with it!

Was a blood test conducted to see if Mr. Cheney was sober?

Was a crime scene analysis conducted to reconstruct this shooting to see if it fits into the related tale?

Did local officials conduct a full interview of Mr. Cheney?

This bitch doubts it, since this motherfucker was out of the state within 24 hours.

Nice.

And Ann? That wanna-be Aryan stank monster coasted out of that verbal malfunction unscathed. No investigation of Ms. Coulter’s affiliated organizations. No interview of Ms. Coulter by…oh, my ass doesn’t know…maybe the Department of Homeland Security to see if she’s a part of some sort of neo-con sleeper cell and her words were code for Rise! Nope…this national embarrassment gets to say she’s joking about poisoning a sitting Supreme Court judge and walk away. Just walk on by…

Amazing!

Can you just imagine…living with that kind of assumed innocence for just one day?

Lawd, the crazy assed shit this bitch would say and do…


Oh and Mr. Cheney? As y’all are always saying…guns don’t hurt people, people do. You might wanna shoulder that firearm and take a hunting safety refresher course. You wanna set a good example for the chil'ren, right?

Anderson Cooper...

A bitch's sister has scored this bitch a signed Anderson Cooper picture.

Sadly, Anderson didn't sign it to AngryBlackBitch with the side note "I Adore Your Blog" as requested. In fact, a bitch hasn't completed a handwriting analysis to confirm that Mr. Cooper actually signed the thing...but a bitch prefers to think the best of people and their signing of things containing their image (wink).

Anyhoo...Anderson will be accompanying this bitch all over town for my birthday. Framed, of course. He'll sit right next to my vodka cran and cigs!

Then, should his picture survive the festivities, Anderson Cooper will grace my desk...gazing upon this bitch as my crazy ass practices the fine art of bitchitude daily.

Up next...Christiane Amanpour and Howie Kurtz!

About the Grammy's...

Yeah, it’s Friday!

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes expressed over C-Money’s allergic drama. She’s doing much better now and had better not scare the living shit out of me again. Take your meds...and heal!

Moving forward…

About the Grammy's...
While sitting in the emergency room a bitch was able to see the Grammy Awards show. Artist after artist floated across the television screen bedecked in various fashions. A bitch was looking forward to the return of Sly and The Family Stone.

There was a huge contrast between Kanye West’s award based desperation and Sly's return to the stage. On one hand you have a man who has been very clear about his Grammy aspirations and his sense of his 'I am so very Grammy worthy' self. On the other hand you have…well…an artist who approaches the world of music on his own terms. Sly’s appearance was kind of up in the air and he clearly didn’t feel compelled to star fuck the Grammy Awards…which amazingly put the Grammy’s and the attendees in the position of star fucking Sly.

Fantabulous!

Mr. West feels that his shit is the best and that winning a Grammy in some way announces that to the world. He took to the stage with a certain Jamie Foxx in a P. Diddy-esque extravaganza complete with marching band outfits and a random gold digger cheerleading squad segue that blended into a skit featuring sorta-fratbased black men...who dissed said gold diggers and announcing that they (the gold digger squad of money hungry women) would not get their (the black fraternity-esque squad) money. Then the performance continued until it finally…thank Gawd…came to an end.

This bitch was left hoping that someone would come along and love Kanye for who he is and not his “pot of gold” so that he could sit the fuck down and shut the hell up. Lawd, every time a bitch hears that song my ass is struck by how insulting it is to women and how insulting it is to men. It's just insulting…and if you don’t want to fork over the gold then don’t, you self obsessed trend whore.

Mercy.

But then on came Sly…the performer, the legend and the Mohawk wearing fantabulous freak! His performance was remarkably different from the Grammy hungry Mr. West’s blatant rip off of…oh shit, just about every black extravaganza award show performance a bitch has seen. Sly slid in, laid down his shit then dropped the mic and exited the stage.

And a bitch couldn’t help wondering if folks caught the lesson in that shit…that the power of celebrity is in the individual and how they choose to handle fame. Trend whoring for Grammy fame or taking the stage at the Grammy’s with authority…no need to hold up a sign…clarity in action. But you’d have to look away from the mirror to see that, Mr. West…just step away…and create something as an artist.

A bitch ain’t saying he’s a Status Seeker…

…but he ain't hanging with just any ol' motherfuckers.

To be blessed...and to know it...

A bitch spent last night in the emergency room…Barnes/Jewish on Kingshighway to be specific. My beloved sister, C-Money, had an allergic reaction to something and broke out in severe hives with alarming swelling of the hands and arms. She was in New York on business and flew back home around 6pm...a bitch had her in the emergency room by 7pm and we spent the evening there.

Let me tell everyone that C-Money is recovering well. We don’t know what set it off, but the meds are doing their thing.

And a bitch should also tell you that my ass is now in full post-traumatic event freak out. It will pass...

My sister and brother are my everything. There is no limit to my love for them and watching them suffer in any way is almost too much to take.

But a bitch is blessed and knows it…there were many other people in the emergency room who didn’t leave with their loved ones. And a bitch has had that experience...not the waiting in the room, but the result…the phone call that confirms that a life has ended and that nothing will ever be the same again.

So much happens in 5 hours. Group any random 45 individuals in a room together for 5 hours and life will happen, shit will go down and change will manifest.

This bitch wishes that everyone could have that type of experience and know it for what it is.

A bitch wishes that opponents to the morning after pill could sit in the assessment room. Would their eyes wander to the sexual assault protocol sheet on the wall? Would they allow themselves to ponder the 'what ifs', the 'there but for the grace of Gawd go I’s'…or would they ponder the tragedy of the fact that victims of a crime that ravaged choice from their physical bodies are now confronted with a medical situation that withholds choice for political gain?

Could they hear a young woman sobbing…see a young woman curl into her equally youthful friend as if she wanted to be absorbed into that body…as if she sought to fuse herself to that anchor and disappear? Would they see that? Would they…could they observe that and still speak about the morning after pill in that hollow and vacant voice that assumes the privilege of a life without molestation, rape or violation? Oh Gawd, a bitch couldn’t do it…and it broke my heart to witness such pain, such innocence…while sitting in that emergency room.

A bitch wishes everyone could witness the glory of familial love. How absolute it is…how wrenching in physical display. Just once...to sit in a room and see an elderly black man sit with startlingly erect posture in a wheel chair. Just once...to hear a nurse ask his companion if he can be moved…to see that companion turn and lean forward, gently take that fragile hand and ask softly if it was okay…then turn to the nurse and say “This is my Grandfather and I will move anywhere you need me to be.” Could they witness that and question the struggle for adequate healthcare? Would they gaze upon that and talk in terms of numbers…budgets…objectives and motherfucking priorities? Lawd, give me strength…a bitch couldn’t do it. My eyes were trapped…our gazes locked and everything a bitch was feeling was mirrored in that man’s frustrated gaze, which said to me.."This life…this man…this beloved family member is my priority. No budget…nothing means more than that at this moment."

Yes, my brother...nothing.

This bitch wishes that everyone could hear the laughter of an infant break through the silence of worry. If y’all could have seen the joy on that baby’s face…the pure happiness in his mischievous laughter. To witness the love wash over his grandmother’s face…and every face in the room. Oh it was so beautiful…old and young, White, Black, Asian and Hispanic…all turning towards that beautiful sound and smiling. You just couldn’t help but smile. It was a common joy…a much needed reminder of life. If we can share that in an emergency room, why on Earth can’t we share the rest of this shit out here?

And this bitch wishes everyone could hear their loved one’s name called and walk back to the treatment room with them without pause. A bitch wishes that everyone could listen to a doctor talk about medication and know that they can afford it…that the emergency room visit was 'covered'…that this essential treatment was going to happen without delay.

A bitch wishes that everyone left the emergency room and went home to fret over their loved one…and not the paperwork, the bills, the challenges, the decisions...the fucking compromises that now make up the American healthcare experience for far too many.

A bitch is blessed and my ass just wishes everyone could be…that’s my prayer, my wish…my mission…my work…

May you all be so blessed…and may those of us who are know it.

The race you hear...

Happy Wednesday, chil’ren!

St. Louis woke up to some serious snow, which is still falling outside and giving local drivers and excuse to drive like they have lost their natural mind. Which means a bitch is full to bursting of bitchitude!

Call to the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!
A bitch needs a revival of sorts. Can we get a meeting at AMP? Huh…can we?

Update on AngryBlackBitch Fest…
The date is February 24. The occasion? The one year anniversary of a bitch’s blog and a bitch’s birthday! Oh, hell yes! Details are still being ironed out, but the festivities will include the debut of a bitch’s play All About Ann featuring the fantabulous Blood Ray and a certain Shavita as Ann Coulter. Events shall center around Manchester and involve a lot of drinking…eating of soul food…and debauchery! Oh, and the play!

Lawd, a bitch can’t wait. Food, vodka, chocolate…what could be better? More details to follow once a bitch gets my ass in gear.

Jumping in with thoughts of international chocolate on my mind…

The race you hear...
Yesterday, an article in the St. Louis Post Dispatch web site asked the question…does black have a sound? A bitch read on to discover that the article was about voice profiling. My international readers should know that this refers to the cultural and regional accents in America.

The article specifically addressed profiling…screening and drawing assumptions about an individual based on their assumed race determined by their voice. Through such profiles, an individual may be assumed to be white or black, smart or dumb as a motherfucker, rich or poor and so forth. As with most profiling, voice profiling is usually used to the detriment of the individual being profiled. A person may be rejected for a job interview, leasing an apartment or pitching a contract.

Writing exposes a unique side of voice profiling…the assumed spoken voice behind the written voice of an author. Most of y’all don’t know a bitch, so you are projecting a voice to go along with my words. This dawned on me when some ignorant shit posted a comment using a certain colloquial flair stereotypically associated with blacks. Got my back up, mostly because a bitch has always been a victim of that shit from the flip side.

A bitch was raised in a predominately white suburb of St. Louis. My father was from Pennsylvania and lacked a traditional southern accent. My mother, though raised in the south, was particularly dedicated to breaking away from her southern accent. So a bitch was raised using a more formal version English. What ignorant bigoted blog surfing shits may call 'uppity talk'.

This bitch was accused of talking white by black people and not talking black enough by white people. Some 8 years in Dallas post college helped round out that 'uppity' accent a bit, but this bitch still doesn’t 'talk black' by St. Louis standards.

So, is a voice black or white? If a black bitch talks like this, isn't it automatically black? And should anyone be denied access to something simply because they sound black or southern or small or large?

Jesus to Gawd, are we still stuck on this shit?

A bitch has had many illuminating experiences because of my voice. If this bitch had a dollar for every time my ass set up a meeting over the phone only to see complete surprise on their face upon seeing my ass walk through the door a bitch would own Nestle…and the first order of business would be distribution of Smarties in America (wink).

As a culture buff (Anthropology major…guilty!), a bitch is distressed by voice profiling. It results in southern students being taught to drop their accents, New Englanders being schooled out of that nifty and oh so specific sound and Midwesterners being taunted for how we say water. Difference is not bad and should not be threatening…New Yorkers are not superior because of their accent and folks from Virginia are not slow or stupid because they speak as if every word were dripping in something sweet and decadent.

And black people don’t all ‘talk like that’ nor does ‘talking like that’ mean they can’t make rent every month. Assholes.

Oh…and for the record 'Lawd' is said with a serious sassy slightly uppity accent... and absolutley no shame. Color this bitch black and call it a fucking day.

International chocolate...!

A certain Jeremy from Montreal is sending this bitch chocolate blessings that should arrive just in time for a bitch to drown my ass is Smartie goodness on Valentine's Day (The Day of Extreme Bitchitude)!

Fantabulous!

Ooooh...but That Guy, being ahead of the curve always, has thrown down a potential challenge to all things Smartie related.

Oh my! Chocolate goodness from Prague!

Clearly, a bitch is going to have to conduct SEVERAL taste tests to compare my beloved Smarties to...umm...Lentilkies...and do not ask a bitch how to pronounce that.

Ahhhh...if only diplomacy utilized inter-chocolate-exchanges...

Hugs to you both!

Okay...

A bitch is pausing for the day.

Bitchitude will resume tomorrow.

Oh...and here's a picture of puppies for all the random folks driven to a bitch's site looking for Scarlett Johansen on the cover of Vanity Fair!

By the by, rumor has it there are naked stars inside the new Vanity Fair...but not on this site (wink).

Toodles!

Update on the New Bedford incident...

Update...the man suspected in the attacks that took place at Puzzles Lounge in New Bedford, Mass. has died.

Robida was shot during a gun battle with police in Arkansas and he later died at a Missouri hospital. It is believed that Robida shot and killed a police officer and a female passenger in his car.

The coverage…
Given the nature of this attack, the fact that the suspect was at large and armed and the fact that the attack at Puzzles Lounge was clearly a hate crime a bitch finds the coverage by most media outlets completely inadequate. Had the victims been straight white women and the attack been in Aruba this story would have been covered wall to wall.

Better yet…three married straight blond white women from Alabama attacked with a hatchet in Aruba and their husbands flee to England…would that do it….would that grab your fucking attention!?!

Sorry assed motherfuckers.

The unexplored shit within this poorly covered story…
A bitch noticed that a couple of initial news reports stated that Puzzles Lounge had been victimized with graffiti before. Neighbors report that the suspect was a known racist and had decorated his room with swastikas. Reports also stated that ‘low level’ harassment had been reported by patrons in the past. Taking into account that this most recent incident involved a FUCKING HATCHET AND A GUN…a bitch hesitates to ask what ‘low level’ harassment looks like in New Bedford.

Anyhoo, looks like y’all have some multi-level shit to deal with. Don’t blow this opportunity to address shit just because the crazy motherfucker who went off the deep end at Puzzles Lounge was killed and saved the state some money.

A bitch is sending prayers for healing, unity and growth to the New Bedford community…

Keep the lie alive...

This bitch is feeling the pain of overindulgence! My ass prepared a fantabulous queso with Rotel and spicy sausage incorporated, which a bitch then inhaled as if it were my last supper. Oh, the joy! Of course, multiple vodka crans were also consumed. Don’t you just adore Super Bowl munchables?

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers…a bitch is pretty sure they won the game. Lawd, a bitch could almost hear my cousin Derek screaming all the way from D.C.!

And on to the advertising…

It seems that the advertising community is still recovering from the indecency backlash. On a whole, the ads were tame.

Anheuser Busch didn’t disappoint a bitch. My favorite ad was the 'we’re going to hit your emotional core or you’re not human' wee horse drawing the beer cart with the assistance of elder horses from the rear ad. Very cute...C-Money was driven to tears!





Career Builder hit home runs with their 'I work with a bunch of monkeys' spots…oh, and jack asses too! Very funny and an appropriate use of primates too (wink).





A bitch continues to be disturbed by that Burger King man. Something about his plastic face freaks a bitch out! The revival of the cheesy dance spectacular failed to stir a bitch or inspire yummy burger cravings…and, yes, a bitch found the layering of humans dressed like burger ingredients unappetizing. Mayhap they should investigate a jingle?




Dove ran a fantabulous ad that tied in with their real women focused advertising. A bitch thought the spot was emotional enough to cut through the beer clutter but not so emotional that it killed the joy. Great job...great campaign...a bitch isn't fond of the soap, but my ass will support the effort to promote self esteem in young women!




The ABB Killer of Joy Award goes to the Athletes4 Jesus ad. Was that Kurt Warner? And thanks for bringing up my eventual death during an evening of sin and greedy overindulgence! Is it too much to ask for a faith-based ad exploring the positive benefits of Gawd? Must the brand message be about eternal hellfire and damnation? Shit, the tag could have read Get Saved or You're Toast!

Jesus!

Ooops…

Lawd!

Oh shit…

Fuck it! Joy was killed...well, for 5 minutes at least and then a bitch went for more Queso.

Sigh.

Sadly, the only flesh bared during the telecast was Mick Jagger’s 295 year old tummy. Since ABC was compelled to censor rather non-controvresial Stone's lyrics, a bitch can't even anticipate the compeltely over the top Focus on the Family response of over the top sanctified outrage today. And what's a Super Bowl experience without Dr. James Dobson and his minions acting a fool?

Shit...a bitch will have to fill the void.

Dear FCC...this bitch found Mick's stomach disturbing and totally inappropriate for family viewing! Lawd, my sorta-beagle Betsey was passed out on the couch and might have seen it! This semi-nakedness during family time must cease...
Signed...ABB c/o Focus on the Debauchery

Super Sunday anticipation...!

This bitch is eagerly anticipating the Super Bowl this weekend! No, not the game (sorry, but a bitch just has to be honest).



The commercials, chil’ren!



It’s time for the annual Bitch Squad ritual of fast-forwarding through the game to the ads…oh and any random acts of nudity that may sprout forth…bless them (wink).



ABB’s Super Bowl Advertising Viewage ritual…
Note…a bitch begins recording at the pre-game show just in case some advertisers snuck in there. My ass usually watches a movie until the game has been on for 30 minutes. By then, you can begin to screen and critique the ads and never actually have to watch the game! Since there is now the possibility of scandal-based drama at the Halftime Show, a bitch shall watch The Stones get their ancient groove on…then it’s back to commercial viewage!

Yumminess...
Multiple salty crunchables for C-Money
A queso-like dip
Cookies
Pizza
Wings
Ranch dressing for wings





Drinkables...
Winter lager for C-Money
Vodka
Cran
Grape cran
Water…for balance
Soda-esque beverages for C-Money’s balance






Gear...
Flannel and raggedy assed comfortable shit that dates back to college
Snuggly slippers
Pillows
Blanket for passing out under


Lawd, a bitch can’t wait.



And may the best advertiser win!

A chase, a beating, the coverage and an investigation...

A bitch’s sister scored Sudafed last night! Three cheers for C-Money! A bitch woke up this morning with clear sinuses, fired up and full of bitchitude…

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% yummy organic milk, 2 Sudafed, 1 Claritin and cigs…





A chase, a beating, the coverage and an investigation…
As many of you know, this bitch has trained my TiVo not to record anything on FOX. A bitch can’t stand FOX and my ass is pretty sure watching it would be bad for my health. But last night the local FOX affiliate was the only news channel to show the entire tape of the recent police chase and beating incident by Maplewood police officers in St. Louis city. Reluctantly, this bitch watched.

For those of you who are unaware, this incident is being investigated by the FBI. There were possible civil rights violations. Also, Maplewood is a border city to St. Louis city and there are rules that apply to police chases entering other jurisdictions.

This bitch and my sister C-Money watched the entire tape last night. Prior to airing the tape, the local FOX news…ummm…people (they aren’t exactly reporters…trust a bitch) felt compelled to spin the shit out of this story. Blah, blah, blah…the suspect was driving like a madman…he passed several school busses and put chil’ren in danger…it took several attempts to bring him to a stop…he ran and may have been armed…and police clearly had their hands full subduing him.

Most of this jived with what we could see on film…minus the rather liberal use of yellow that peppered the commentary.

One St. Louis city cop was clearly visible during the take down and subsequent beating.

And then something curious was overheard…something very clear and very telling…a single sentence that was of the moment and amazingly observant…

“They’ve just spotted the helicopter, so they’re going to cool it.”

Pause.

Rewind.

Play.

“They’ve just spotted the helicopter, so they’re going to cool it.”

Hmmm. Ain’t no amount of yellow laced bullshit gonna spin through that. This might be a case of an extreme beat down that was only a serious beat down because FOX, of all stations, decided to follow a police chase.

This bitch will continue to follow this incident. My ass is thrilled to have several local sources, including a new local find Pub Def who is following this and all things local and political. The issues on the table are potential civil rights violations, whether excessive force was used, whether any violations occurred when Maplewood police continued to pursue into the city, whether any violations occurred when police engaged in an extended chase through city streets and whether St. Louis city police utilized their resources correctly in this incident.

Just one more thing…during their 9pm news-like show FOX 2 covered, and a bitch uses that term loosely, a recent threat posted to a St. Louis independent media site. They wanted the public to know that a posted comment called upon local blacks to attack white police officers and their families. True to form, FOX failed to mention the fact that the comment could not be traced to a black person nor could the race of the person be verified. They did mention that the comment was anonymous. And the local NAACP president came on to voice his concern…which a bitch found odd since we can not confirm that this comment was made by a black person and it may have been posted to get the very new coverage it did.

For the record, we are all upset and concerned…but there have been no incidents of violence against anyone in relation to this. This bitch hopes that holds, but my ass doesn’t expect FOX or any other news channel to cover the lack of retaliatory violence…peaceful protest and non-violent action just doesn’t stir up those ratings does it? Assholes.

A bitch is proud of the way St. Louis has handled this so far. We have a long history of contentious relations between city residents and the police. This incident is under investigation by multiple agencies and community organizations.

And we can and we will handle this together...St. Louisans working together to address this shit in our city.

Tell that to your money hungry tyrannical boss, FOX 2!

Oooohlala!

Okay, so a bitch located the spot deep in the depths of Blogger Help that contained the...what's that stuff called...'code' that this bitch then pasted into the Template to take y'all NARAL chil'ren to my XML whatever thang. It is listed as A Bitch's Feed and tucked under my archives and above my blogroll of fantastical people.

A certain Michelle has forwarded some other cool code looking stuff, so if that's not what y'all needed just let this bitch know and we'll just paste the Michelle code like stuff in and take another spin (wink).

My ass is off to score...ummmm...purchase some Sudafed.

Toodles...

Violence!

A bitch was horrified to read this shit. Patrons attacked in a gay bar…with a hatchet and a gun!

Sick and hateful motherfucker!

My heart goes out to the victims and their families. May they recover from this violent assault and be whole. My heart also goes out to the community of New Bedford Mass. and a bitch sincerely hopes that they pull together and not apart.

Be careful and aware...
The alleged assailant is Jacob D. Robida, 18, of New Bedford. He is considered violent, armed and dangerous. Police said Robida has dark hair, is about 5 feet 6 inches tall and weighs about 200 pounds. He is believed to be driving a 1999 green Pontiac Grand Am with Massachusetts plate number 85EC58.

If you have any information about this crime or the location of this freak, please contact the New Bedford police or your local police department. Do not approach this person. And if you see him near a known GLBT business or community center/shopping area/anything gay…call 911 immediately.

Mercy.

Marketing in the month of blackness...

Lawd have mercy! A bitch is out of Sudafed and my head is killing me!

My ass has been working myself into a fit trying to set up an RSS feed for this bloody blog. Shit! It looks so simple, but this bitch has some sort of blog-based mental impairment. And a certain group of NARAL people have sent down the challenge, so this bitch is determined to succeed. Mmmhmm...this blog will feed via RSS or my ass isn't angry, black and a bitch!

Damned complicated technology based drama.

Fuck it…a bitch is going to solicit help. Uuugh! And this had better not be completed in less than 5 minutes…which would highlight my inability to do simple assed computer based shit.

Jesus…is it too much to ask for directions to be written for technology challenged bitches?

Moving forward…

February is Black History Month. For this bitch, every month is Black History Month but my ass can see the value in setting aside one month for deeper exploration. There are, however, some things about Black History Month that…well…sit on a bitch’s nerve and do a dance.

A bitch is always amazed at how many companies fuck up their Black History Month advertising. Clearly they feel compelled to advertise...they wouldn’t want to appear as if they didn’t adore black people…but some sustained marketing prior to the 'we love black people' February push wopuld be wise.

If a bitch had a dollar for every radio ad announcing some random company's commitment to diversity/community support/education/cultural celebration that only runs in February a bitch could afford Sudafed for life! It’s not that the sentiment is off…but can’t they just advertise the car/product/food/whatever? Actually most of them can’t, because they only run ads on black radio, in black magazines or on black targeted television in the month of February.

ABB's note to advertisers…companies that actually market to black people and invest in the community don’t have to announce their commitment to diversity like it's news every February. We already know. Those companies can actually market their products or programs! Amazing!

And a bitch can always tell which company has fucked up in the 12 months prior to Black History Month. Mmmmmhmmm. For example, they may have set up their web site to suggest primate specific films to potential customers searching for films about…oh, let’s say Dorothy Dandridge or Dr. Martin Luther King. A bitch may have gone online and searched for such films and been directed to also consider The Planet of the Apes.

Let’s say that company, having enjoyed a year of being diced and sliced in the press for their alleged (wink) fiendish business practices, has this new primate film pimping for black movie searches situation blow up in the mass media. Gasp!

Whatevah do they do?

You called it, chil’ren! After a botched attempt to convince a rather computer literate society that this clearly programmed search/ignorant primate-based bullshit was a random glitch, the company reverted to the time honored tradition of the full color center spread 'we adore black people and specifically black film and are dedicated to diversity with every cell in our craven corporate body' advertising placement in a black publication during Black History Month!

Check out the February edition of Essence Magazine with a certain Ms. Hill on the cover. Flip to page 125 and read all about Wal-Mart’s celebration of black film and black filmmakers! And on page 128? Yep, a plug for Walmart.com where you can find Lean on Me, Shaft, Chisholm ’72 and Spike Lee’s X!

Lawd, this multi-paged advertising is screaming to me..."See our commitment to diversity?!?"

"Witness our dedication to all things related to black film?!?!"

Ahhh...the soothing call and calming scent of instant diversity through skilled crisis managment marketing that can only mean it's Black History Month in American!

Fubar...

Can a bitch predict a score or what? Lawd, Scooter came sooo close to hitting my estimated 50 point total…a bitch arrived at 45 points. And if you got a different score you weren’t tossing back vodka crans like my ass was (wink)…

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 3 Excedrin (Lawd, a bitch should have drank a glass of water pre-sleep), 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Jumping in with a sick sort of joy…

The pre-game spectacle…
A bitch chose CNN for the 2006 State of the Union viewage. Wolfie B. and Paula 'if you can’t tell I’m a conservative you’re not paying attention' Zhan were giddy as teenagers heading out to Prom…which explains their matching Anderson Cooper blue accent apparel (Wolfie B. stepped out with a tie and Paula chose a fashion blouse). Anderson, clearly not pleased to have his signature color pimped out in violation of his contractual ownership of Anderson Cooper blue, revolted with a slate colored shirt and…was that a crimson tie?

We’re all in mourning, Anderson, but bless you for dressing the part.

Anyhoo…the pre-game was better than the actual speech. There was excitement, drama, bitchiness and several multi-angle shots of a certain decorated canine who mysteriously failed to appear during the actual speech! Cute dawg, by the way...very WWII (wink).

Wolfie B. broke the news that Cindy Sheehan was arrested in the Capitol building. Gasp! Paula, no longer trying to hid her long held dream of a position at FOX, literally smirked. You should have seen it…that heifer got glassy eyed, a bitch thinks there was drool, and sorta-smiled. Several anchors then launched in to a bizarre and very non-journalistic critique of Ms. Sheehan and her pattern of arrests. Whatever…it was fantastically defiant and harkened back to the days when people actually threw down in the Capitol building (that’s why you can’t bring crutches etc in there…someone once got popped in the scull….excellent).

The CNN camera folks did a great job of capturing all manner of shit. Tom DeLay looking satanic and sporting what has to be the worst dye job in D.C., Kay Bailey Hutchinson looking every inch the conservative gender-balance minion that she is and sporting what has to be the most desperate call by a head of hair for a root touch up since Madonna in the Lucky Star video…

Oh look, there’s Mrs. Alito and she’s clearly please as punch to be hanging with the spouses! In a flash a bitch was reminded of Angela Lansbury’s character in The Manchurian Candidate…and we all know she could turn on the emotions when it was politically beneficial. And Sam the Man…honey looked like he was about the hurl…and all the political molestation he was getting made a bitch check the rating for this pre-game show. Seriously, there was more man-on-man love going on between Alito and the people he now has to please than a bitch catches on LOGO!

Creepiest pre-game moment…Condi, who either didn’t get the memo regarding Laura’s ownership of winter white or didn’t give a shit, was shaking hands with the Supreme Court justices. Note to my beloved Salon.com sister’s in bitchitude…she still hasn’t released that bowl movement…posture was rod up the spine straight like Scooter wishes Mary Cheney was straight. Okay, so Condi is done shaking the hands of the Supremes and turns away…Clarence Thomas of the 'oh my Gawd he’s a creepy assed freak Thomases' looked Miz Thang up and down…and he licked his lips! No shit! Motherfucker licked his lips like a pimp eyeing a prospective new...um...employee! Licked his lips like a hungry man about to eat a plate of ribs! Yeah…like that!

This bitch almost passed out!

By this time, a bitch had consumed several vodka crans, too many cigs to count and a plate of yumminess (not soul food, since a bitch is going to lunch Thursday and is trying to ration…but yumminess none the less).

Whew!

The State of the Union pre-game show then proceeded to wrap up with more man on woman corner of the mouth kissing than the Golden Globes red carpet fashion perp. walk. Smooches continued when Scooter entered the room…

“Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!”

And in came President Bush…otherwise known as Scooter...

Anonymouses who have been waiting like feinds for a bitch to post so that they can tell my ass how wrong a bitch is even though a bitch watched in a semi-sober state may actually want to read the speech can find it here. Then go with Gawd, you spin ready motherfuckers!

The speech...sort of...
He opened by mentioning the passing of Coretta Scott King…which was awkward for those of us familiar with her and her late husband’s dedication to social justice, the history of our government’s systematic taping of Dr. King’s phone conversation, the documented infiltration of all civil rights organizations by government operatives in order to create chaos and destroy the movement, the taping of meetings and organizing events, the arresting of Dr. King and thousands of others as they exercised their civil right to non-violent demonstration, the organized effort by our government to stop voter registration drives, the fact that “activist judges” were necessary to lift the chains of legal segregation and the fact that our government had to “make new law” to protect the black vote.

Scooter then moved on…into a bullshit laden defense of his administration’s prosecution of the Iraq War, the product of our democratization efforts in the Palestinian territories, our complete inability to address the nuclearization on Iran, our complete inability to address anything north of the heavily guarded parallel in Korea and our general lack of a defined ‘victory’ or clear exit strategy anywhere.

By the by, we the people should 'stay the course' and not 'take the isolationist route'.

Scooter defended his domestic spy program, which is now a domestic terrorist monitoring scheme. Blah blah blah...constitutional authority, other President’s have done it in times of war, we’re not going to let people attack us here again and the an open dialogue with Congress will only alert the criminals to our plan for…victory or something along those lines.

Note to the masses…if the President does it, then it’s not illegal with a dash of trust me, which was followed by several healthy portions of be very afraid. Missing from this was any clear example of the success of this program, any real call for an investigation into what actually is an illegal leak from his administration or an acknowledgment that no terrorist with an ounce of sense is going to discuss a crime over a cell phone so this program is basically bust.

The energy plan…ummm, well. This is so hard! Whew…my name is AngryBlackBitch and my ass is an addict. Yep, according to Scooter we all are. We are addicted to oil…and our former dealer is now proposing our treatment plan. Scooter called for ethanol research, hybrids, hydrogen, solar, wood chips, clean burning coal and nuclear power! Wow...it’s like he’s been born again green.

Note to suburban conservative S.U.V. drivers paying in blood at the pump…just say no!

There was no mention of jobs flooding overseas…but Scooter did admonish the American worker to get their re-education on!

Scooter did mention social security reform…in a 'take my plan or wither, motherfucker' kind of way.

He wants tax cuts to be permanent, there will be more slashing of social programs, if you want to get your sex you’d best get married, Aids/HIV funding will be tied to abstinence programs and Christ and the war will be a long….long…..long effort.

And seniors? What seniors? If you’re looking for a stable retirement you’d best start looking at your chil’ren’s extra bedroom!

By the time he was over, a bitch was bleary eyed…and not just from the copious amounts of vodka and food. A certain newly elected Governor from the great state of Virginia almost put this bitch to sleep…thank Gawd no one was watching! And then CNN launched into a post game spin that included an incoherent and slurred defense of all things Republican by J.C. Watts (see picture for visual, since this asshole hasn't been relevant for some time).

In summay...
This bitch inhaled tons of yumminess, drank...a lot...

The state of the union? Fubar.