Monday, October 31, 2005

Oh no he didn’t…!

As this bitch sipped her coffee this morning a certain Scooter made his second nomination for Justice O’Conner’s replacement to the Supreme Court.

Scooter, properly chastised from the right for his first nominee, chose Judge Samuel Alito.

Okay.

Well, that’s different.

Still a lousy choice, but definitely different.

ABB’s Mind-Based Conversation this morning with Scooter…
ABB…"What the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your motherfucking mind?”

Scooter, with a serious whine…"I’m working hard! This is hard work! Give me a fucking break, bitch. I need to find my base again!”

ABB, with temper…"You couldn’t find your ass with both hands, motherfucker!”

Scooter…"Fuck you! This is my nomination and y’all will have to deal with it. I’m the president!”

ABB, speaking softly…"Scooter, you do understand that proceeding with this new nomination will be a declaration of war.”

Scooter slurred back with attitude…"Yeah, what of it! So, is this war? Do you fucking liberals want a piece me? Jump on in, honey, ‘cause the conservatives have warmed this fucking pool up for ya! Fuck this fucking shit!”

ABB, on a whispered breathe…"Fine…WAR!”

Let the battle begin...

Post #1 The Plague...

A bitch has a lot to say today, so hold on tight and buckle the fuck up.

A bitch had a hectic weekend full of appointments and such. The Sunday morning news shows got a bitch all riled up! Last night my ass snuggled up with the dawgs to watch something other than the news.

ABB’s Failed Attempt to Avoid Reality by Watching The Plague on The History Channel…
A bitch adores The History Channel! It can be hit or miss, but the hits are fantabulous. This bitch can’t get enough of historical drama and serial killers, so The History Channel is appointment viewing for my ass.

A bitch was so excited to hear that The History Channel was planning to show The Plague yesterday that my ass pre-scheduled it in the TiVO.

Shit, a bitch never said my ass was normal.

Anyhoo, The Plague was amazing. The show was a two-hour reconstruction of The Black Death’s reign of terror on the world. They did a really good job of incorporating medical experts, historical records, historians and cheesy reenactments complete with costumes, fake blood and faux festering black boils.

Fantabulous!

As this bitch watched The Plague devastate Europe my ass sipped my vodka grape cran (heavy on the vodka ‘cause my nerves are bad) and began to ponder what the modern world would do in the face of such a natural disaster.

This pissed me off, because the whole reason a bitch turned on The Plague was to avoid thinking about our own current fucked up Bird Flu pandemic waiting to happen world!

FUCK!

Well, shit…nothing to do but spin it out, because now my brain has latched on to reality and will not let it go.

A bitch has written extensively about Missouri’s fucked up non-health healthcare system. Medicaid benefits have been slashed and over 150,000 Missourians are now without healthcare. Anyone with a senior citizen in his or her world will know that Medicare is fucked up too.

So, when a bitch read this my ass almost went ballistic. On top of denying citizens healthcare under the guise of budget cuts at the state level, now the goons in government are planning to starve the people too!

Education sucks, so the masses will be too stupid to see the hammer coming down upon them. Reproductive rights are under attack (look for a post on that later on today, chil’ren) so the rich will get richer and the poor will get chil’ren. Healthcare is a fucking joke and we all know that will result in illness, additional poverty and suffering. And now, in order to pay for their fucking war and tax cuts, these evil motherfuckers are cutting food stamps in an effort to starve the masses!

But bitch…what does that have to do with The Black Death?

Great question chil’ren!

See, disease is the great equalizer. As a bitch learned last night, The Plague devastated the rich and the poor equally. Kings and peasants died the same miserable blood gagging boil-invested death!

Remember that the 1918 flu pandemic, which was an avian flu that mutated to spread from human to human, did much the same damage. Death, misery, population devastation…yep, that motherfucker was just a plague by another name. And lack of healthcare, crowded poverty stricken neighborhoods, economic greed and an apathetic government didn’t help the situation back in the day.

Well, chil’ren, it’s 2005 and the ingredients for a nice worldwide Plague are upon us!

13% of the population lives in abject poverty, which means that close to 25% of the population lives in extreme poverty and a whopping 35% is poor as a motherfucker. It may come as a shock to some, but malnutrition and unsanitary conditions are still a factor of American poverty.

Most Americans who fall into that 35% are the working poor, who were just removed from the Missouri Medicaid rolls and my ass is pretty sure we’re not the only state suffering under the miserable weight of a craven Republican non-family...fuck your family…my ass is only concerned about my family agenda. So, Americans are working more, making less, unable to see the doctor…what else can we add to this fucked up soup?

Yes! No more food! Yeah! Now the elderly, mentally ill, developmentally handicapped, poor and the struggling will no longer be able to count on their government for food. Wait, it gets better. Chil’ren will be pulled off of school lunches. A bitch works with several area schools that have already informed my ass that, should this budget butcher job make it through the senate, most of their students will loose the only real meal they get each day.

Way to fucking go!

Oh bitch, can it get any more fucked up?

Yes, chil’ren, it can.

Because all of this cold, compassionless, evil, typical craven assed governmental behavior is happening while the world faces the very real threat of another avian flu pandemic and the most globalized economy in modern history.

Hmmm…one would have to look back to…my ass doesn’t know…wait…oh yes, the era of the Black Death to see a caldron of despair such as this.

Globalization…check.

Disease….check.

Greed and apathy…check.

Poverty…check.

Malnutrition…check.

You’ve just got to love progress!

Pay attention to Scooter’s grand plan to address a possible pandemic expected this week.

Did a bitch scare you, yet?

Happy fucking Halloween…!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Friday bitchitude and a dream-based beating...

A bitch is a wee bit philosophical about the indictment and resignation of Scooter Libby today. My ass hopes that the investigation into the possible involvement of Karl Rove and the rest of Scooter W.’s minions continues on to completion.

But this bitch is feeling…well…angry.

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Last night in my dreams, while my ass was contemplating which implement of correction to use on Scooter Libby, a bitch pondered the shit storm that is the Valerie Plame CIA leak case. As this bitch ran my fingers across the merciless rods of correction at my disposal all my ass could think about was how everything would have turned out if Scooter W. and his minions has acted differently.

Instead of my regular dream based beating, this bitch strapped Scooter Libby into the four points of instruction and started out with a little conversation.

ABB’s Dream-Based Rant to Scooter Libby on the Eve of his Indictment…
Motherfucker! Why the hell would you do such a stupid thing? It’s not just that you responded to criticism by using the weapons of government against your enemies and it’s not just that you lied and encouraged others to lie about the evil shit you did!

The problem, Scooter, is that you failed to listen and then react correctly. The evidence you acted so aggressively to protect WAS FUCKING FLAWED! The war you so vigorously promoted WAS NOT JUSTIFIED!

Motherfucker!

If you present evidence and someone disagrees with your interpretation or the validity of that evidence, you should listen! After you digest their argument, you should represent the case. If they still disagree then maybe your evidence is bullshit! But what did you do? You went into attack mode!

Dumb assed motherfucker!

Stop looking at me like my ass is crazy!

If you and your fellow minions had only listened to all of the people who told you your evidence was bullshit…would we have gone to war? Would we still be engaged in combat trying to establish order in a chaotic shit storm of our own creation? Would 2000 Americans be dead? Would the world hate us? Would our credibility be diminished just when we need it most? Would our resources be depleted? Would parents be crying and chil’ren be parentless? Would our nation be depressed and apathetic? Would your master plan be in shambles? Would America be broke and pimping ourselves out to China?

Fuck it.

Would your ass be about to get corrected?

Open your eyes, honey. This is going to sting...

ABB’s Post Ass-Whooping Contemplation…
Shit.

A bitch should get paid for doing such noble work.

This bitch secretly believes that Scooter Libby was still feeling the sting of the ABB rod of correction when his ass typed up his resignation letter this morning!

Chil’ren, have a safe and happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Shit...

Oh my! Where to start?

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk (yum), 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Congratulations Chicago! The White Sox have won the series…could it be the end of days? Party hard and try not to riot!

Okay, now what?
Harriet Miers requested that her name be withdrawn for nomination to the Supreme Court and Scooter reluctantly complied. A bitch enjoyed the theory proposed on CNN…

Scooter’s administration is anticipating indictments today or tomorrow in the CIA leak probe, so they announced the Miers withdrawal this morning in the hopes that the indictment announcement will overwhelm the Miers media debacle. Once the indictment scandal kicks in Scooter’s minions will announce another nominee who will then distract from the indictment scandal!

Shit…it’s worth a try.

Anyway, now conservatives are going to lobby for a seasoned conservative and liberals will scramble around trying to find dirt on whoever that nominee is.

Drama!

Ann Coulter and her dislike of the name Scooter…
A bitch watched the Today Show this morning with every intention of munching on a yummy bowl of bran and raisins. Unfortunately, the producers of the Today Show decided to call in Ann Coulter of the bitter hag faced Coulters to provide commentary on all things Scooter!

A bitch lost my appetite when confronted with Ann and her twisted, evil, rancid and emaciated face.

Matt Lauer to Ann…"How is the White House going to handle to possible indictment of Scooter Libby?”

Coulter, ever evil and willing to play the minion…"Well, I guess they will be able to get rid of someone named Scooter. I didn’t even know who Scooter Libby was until 5 minutes ago!”

ABB to the television
…"Nice try, bitch. You know Scooter Libby. Shit, you probably know who waxes his asshole at the spa. Is this how you’re going to try to play it? Are you really going to appear on national television and act like Scooter Libby is a nobody? You are such a fucking asshole, Ann! Note to Coulter – no one knew whom the fuck John Dean was either! Skank.”

Lauer, apparently thrown by Coulter’s non-denial denial…"Reports are that the White House is concerned that they may loose the mastermind of Bush’s political success, Rove, and a key advisor to the Vice President, Libby!”

Coulter, silently wondering if Lauer finds her attractive, responded sharply…not quiet shrillish…more of a sharp bitter tone…"They are just two guys who work at the White House.”

ABB to Coulter…"Bitch please! And stop crossing your bony legs…you might cut somebody!”

Lauer to Coulter…"Many conservatives have begun to vigorously attack the White House including you.”

Coulter, having been briefed that Scooter planned to withdrawal Miers via the microchip implanted in her faux Arian head…"Bush made one mistake…Harriet Miers. He just has to eliminate that one mistake and everything will be fine!”

Lauer blinked then moved forward…"What, if anything, do you expect to come of all this?”

Coulter, longing to slide her tongue down Lauer’s neck, leaned forward…"Well, the Republican Party will be rid of a man named Scooter and Harriet Miers will withdrawal her name from consideration. Then, everything will be perfect again!”

A bitch sat back and took a sip of coffee. It seems that Ann Coulter of the fiendishly evil Coulters has a real problem with the name Scooter. If this bitch had a larger ego my ass might wonder if that freak reads my fucking blog and has confused Scooter Libby with the ABB presidential Scooter.

No…no fucking way. Ann can’t read!

So, this is how conservative plan to play it. Ann has no credibility to loose, so it was a wise move to put her ass out there to test this new spin. The problem is that all the president’s minions reject academic research. They have no real understanding of Watergate or any other scandal for that matter. Shit, in the same interview Coulter called Ken Star a Boy Scout and announced that liberals were in the wrong to attack him when he went after Bubba Clinton for lying about a sloppy blowjob.

Folks, no one knows who anyone is until they get in trouble. The fact that the average American doesn’t know who Rove or Libby has nothing to do with whether they are key to Scooter’s administration or not.

And this bitch isn’t excited to see them get indicted because they may be key to the administration…my ass wants to see someone held accountable for creating a climate of fear and intimidation that resulted in a clear path for Scooter’s administration to lie to the American people and the world about their case for the Iraq War!

So, fuck you Ann Coulter…my ass can’t stand you! You are a disgrace and you should take to the hills and become the hunched over hermit you were destined to be at birth!

And the Today Show can fuck off too…between live abdominal surgery and Ann Coulter in the morning a bitch might just puke!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Sadness, buyer's remorse and anticipation...

Sadness...
Brother Rob is leaving a bitch!

Loyal readers know that Brother Rob Thurman is a bitch’s co-worker. For two years this bitch has worked with Brother Rob in our tiny office. My ass liked Brother Rob right off the bat…he was funny, cynical, smart and bitchy which are all the best qualities in a person. Oh, and he knows fashion, good corn bread and how to dance. So, for two years my ass has had the privilege of working with someone a bitch could truly admire and respect.

Getting to know Brother Rob has been a blessing. For my birthday this year, he gave a bitch her blog. This bitch will always be grateful for that not so subtle push into the blog world. And my ass will always be grateful to the Devine One for leading me down the path that introduced me to Brother Rob Thurman!

A bitch is proud to call Brother Rob my friend and sorry that he will no longer be my co-worker. My ass looks forward to continuing our work with the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks…look for a church meeting announcement soon!

Brother Rob is moving on the work in development with a local agency servicing the homeless in St. Louis.

Sigh.

Well, shit…how can a bitch resent that?

Fair thee well, Brother Rob! A bitch expects regular visits and frequent gatherings at Sweetie Pie’s.

You are the shit…don’t you ever forget that!

Sob.

Pulling my ass together and moving forward…

Buyer's Remorse...
A bitch has been reflecting on all the shit that has gone down in the past two years.

Scooter proposed an overhaul to Social Security that included privatization and a ton of other costly changes.

Scooter proposed a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage.

Scooter muscled through a prescription drug benefit to Medicare that no one understands. Because the new system prohibits the government from negotiating with drug manufacturers on drug costs the benefit has amounted to nothing…some drugs probably cost more and seniors are getting screwed.

Scooter has fucked up his unjust war. Now, with 2000 Americans dead and no end in sight he is left mumbling stay the course to an apathetic audience.

The Supreme Court has seen one very qualified and scary nomination followed by another unqualified and scary nomination. Harriet Miers appears to be on the outs and the only person who doesn’t see that yet is Scooter.

The economy is fucked, raises are flat, fuel costs are through the roof, the environment is fighting back, devastation is left unaddressed and Prozac is seeing huge profits.

Americans are poised to enter the holiday season depressed, broke, stressed, cold, uninsured and uninspired.

It’s no huge surprise that a new poll shows that Scooter wouldn’t win if a presidential election were held today.

Some of us saw this shit coming…we never voted for him and we never supported his policy fuck-ups. Others are experiencing the wrath of Scooter for the first time…stings doesn’t it?

Well, on behalf of all of us who tried to warn you…FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FOR NOT LISTEING TO A BITCH!

Now, do my ass a favor…learn from this harsh and devastating lesson and do some fucking homework next time!

Oh Devine One...please send us a candidate with real values, good ideas and the intelligence to implement them!

Anticipation...
A bitch is excited about the pending announcement in the CIA leak case. My ass is all a flutter!

Shit!

This bitch is prepared for the worst and hopeful for the best. This shit stinks to high heaven and a bitch would like to see someone go down for pulling a shitty stunt like this. However, a bitch is wise and aware that the powerful rarely face punishment for the evil they do.

Tick tock, tick tock…MY ASS CAN’T STAND IT!

A bitch has a confession to make…my ass is hoping for a trial. A nice, long, emotional trial to hold me over until the elections in 2006. Hopefully, there will be cameras in the courtroom. Gawd, a bitch is getting all worked up just thinking about it!

Oh well, nothing to do but wait and imagine the media orgasm that will hit should indictments be announced.

For all this agony a bitch is praying for some indictment ecstasy...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rosa Parks...

Long ago, when this bitch was a wee bitch, my ass was told the story of Rosa Parks. My parents, who came of age during the Civil Rights Movement, took great care to instruct their chil’ren on our history and how our rights were won or not won. As a result, a bitch has always known that there was a time before Montgomery and after Montgomery, before the bombings and after the bombings and before Rosa Parks and after Rosa Parks.

Rosa Parks went on to her sweet reward yesterday at the age of 92.

A reflection on a life…
Rosa Parks did not end racial segregation in America. She stood up and told it to kiss her black ass.

Rosa Parks did not call for a boycott. Her actions justified a boycott and her courage demanded it.

Rosa Parks did not force black and white citizens of Montgomery to boycott the buses for 381 days. She stood as a motivation and an inspiration…if she could be so courageous how could anyone turn away from a protest in fear?

Today a bitch left my house in a racially integrated neighborhood, drove to work at a lesbian owned business, sat down across from my white male colleague and began my day. At lunch a bitch went to a local cafĂ© and picked up sandwiches…my ass entered through the front door and was not refused service.

Rosa Parks and those that her actions inspired knew a world where those simple things were not possible. Because of them, this bitch knows a world where my simple life is the minimum expectation.

A bitch will not mourn Rosa Parks, but my heart does weep a bit for those who do not walk through the doors others shed blood to break down…

This bitch will remember the woman...the black woman...the powerful black American woman that was and is Rosa Parks.

A bitch can see her...head held high, shoulders back and eyes fixed on what can be rather than on what is.

Blessed be...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Monday sucks...

A bitch was truly antisocial this weekend. Sometimes my ass just gets overloaded. So, this bitch took to my hovel…with vodka and cran in hand…

Yesterday, a bitch indulged in my favorite Sunday ritual…watching the political chat shows and indulging in potatoes fried with onion and cheesy eggs.

Meet the Press was a joy! Russert was wearing his green tie and looking very serious and frownish. This bitch is going to skip over the rather boring analysis of all things Scooter and move right on to the exchange that…well…it was amazing, chil'ren.

A bitch has enhanced it with some liberal bitchitude, but the basics are the same.

Russert, tie green and mouth grim…"Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, do you expect there to be indictments?”

Kay (we are not tight but a bitch has hated her for years and feels that such a long-term relationship negates formality) “No Tim, but what I really hope is that there are not some silly indictments on some sort of non-crime like perjury or obstruction of justice. I hope that the prosecutor doesn’t do to Rove and Libby what that mean ole meany did to Martha Stewart! If you can’t get them on a real crime you shouldn’t be able to take them down on a technicality.”

Russert paused. It seemed that he closed his eyes and said a little prayer to the Devine One to take him away from the insanity that is Washington D.C.!

“You are not suggesting that perjury and obstruction of justice are not crimes, are you?” he asked with a wisp of fear in his voice, as if her answer terrified him.

“No. No, I’m not saying that. I know that perjury and obstruction of justice are crimes. What I’m saying is that DeLay has naked pictures of me in a drawer somewhere and that’s why I have to come out here and say shit that doesn’t make a lick of sense! Ummm. Oh, ummmm. Hmmmmm. What was I saying? Yes, there are crimes and then there are crimes and I think the Republican leadership should only be investigated for crimes!”

Russert moved on, careful to avoid giving Kay any more questions, and the show continued with more blah, blah, blah talking head nonsense.

Oh, but what a juicy morsel of bullshit! Jesus, did a sitting United States Senator just suggest that non-elected public officials should be exempt from the penalty of perjury or obstruction of justice?

Hold on just one fucking minute! A bitch enjoyed the senatorial bullshit on Meet the Press as much as the next bitch, but that little exchange freaked my ass out! What the fuck? Senators and people who work at the highest levels of government should be held to a higher standard! These assholes have the ability to make mistakes that…oh, my ass doesn’t know….TAKE A FUCKING NATION TO WAR!

Can a bitch give false testimony in court under oath? Can a bitch try to manipulate others to give false testimony or bury evidence of a crime?

No.

Well, if this bitch can’t do it you better fucking believe that some overpaid ignorant government shit can’t do it either!

Jesus to Gawd, Senator Huchison has no fucking shame.

Fucking minion...

Friday, October 21, 2005

SwedenCanada & scandal-based foreplay...

A bitch’s brother Bill finally completed his cleaning. His ass wasn’t too pleased about the process. Fuck it…a bitch would rather have him bitter than have to deal with his autistic ass and dentures!

Thanks for the well wishes and positivitude!

This bitch is going to spend the weekend mending my stressed soul and being anti-social.

2 cups coffee with Splenda and a healthy dose of 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

The Creation of SwedenCanada…
Last night, while sipping a vodka grape cran post dental appointment, a bitch indulged in some CNN viewage.

Hurricane Wilma is set to hit somewhere…hard, Tom DeLay’s mug shot is making this bitch think he knows something my ass doesn’t and Tucker Carlson is an asshole. Okay…that bit about Tucker Carlson wasn’t on CNN, but then again his ass isn’t on CNN anymore either…because he’s an ASSHOLE!

Some 16-year old Goth teen has been arrested for the murder of Dan Horowitz’s wife, Katie Holmes is so fucking happy her face is about to crack and a bitch can no longer sue Kentucky Fried Chicken over the size of my ass.

Clearly, the world has lost its fucking mind and is spinning out of control!

Whatever can a bitch do?

That’s right, chil’ren…a bitch is going to think fondly of my adopted dream-based homeland…SwedenCanada.

Yes! A bitch has combined Sweden and Canada in my mind and created the ultimate it country!

People speak Swedish, English, French and bitch.
Folks munch on meatballs, Smarties, yummy doughnuts and chicken (note – chicken is universal).
Everyone has access to healthcare.
There is low gun violence.
Anyone can get married but no one has to.
Hockey…’nuff said.
A bitch is adored as the national symbol of perfect bitchitude!

Ah…if a bitch could live in dreams.

The prolonged ache…
A bitch is fascinated with Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald…you know, the dude who is investigating the CIA leak case. MmmmmHmmm…Fitz is the man of the moment.

My ass was thinking last night, while nursing another vodka grape cran, that waiting for Fitz to announce his decision is much like exquisite foreplay.

At first a bitch wasn’t attracted to the CIA leak story. Then, when it was announced that there was a possible legal component, a bitch looked at it with renewed interest. Once Fitz was brought on board, it was almost like the CIA leak case and a bitch exchanged out first kiss…and it had potential…so maybe my ass would fool around with it a bit and see what develops.

Oh, the past months have been like torture. This bitch even began to view Fitz and his fucking leak as a complete tease. We had Novak then Russert then nothing. FUCK! Then came Miller then jail then nothing. Jesus! Now we’ve had Rove then Libby, then Rove and more Libby then Miller and Rove again.

AHHHHH! Give it to me, for the love of all that’s holy!

Umm. Sorry. A bitch isn’t big on patience.

Yes, this story is driving a bitch crazy. If Fitz indicts it will only extend the game. Should he take the easy road and issue a report it will feel like a night of anxious heavy petting that was followed by the lamest sex on record.

Gawd, give a bitch a good juicy leak to hold me over! The anticipation is killing me…

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Mental Health...

A bitch had another sleepless night. Now my ass is truly exhausted, stressed out, hormonal and bitter.

2 cups coffee with Splenda (my ass went to the grocery) 1 % organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Update on a bitch’s brother…
A certain residential director finally contacted a bitch. We had a long conversation about life, liberty and my fucking frustrations with the system. This bitch is happy to report that my concerns were received well and with appreciation.

The proof is in the pudding, but my ass feels better having talked to a reasonable person who seems to want what is best for my brother.

Bill’s follow up dentist appointment is tonight and hopefully teeth will be cleaned and a bitch will not have my nerves destroyed!

As for Bill’s job situation…well, that’s a work in progress. Which is another reason why this bitch isn’t getting any sleep.

Mental Health…
A bitch is the youngest in my family. My brother Bill is the oldest sibling, so my sister and this bitch have been caught up in the world of mental health our entire lives.

Our mother spent 12 years advocating on behalf of our brother…with the state, the city and the Department of Mental Health. She took the lead in his care and therapy. Basically, she lived and breathed autism for over a decade…24 hours a day, 7 days a week. My sister and this bitch watched our mother turn bitter and exhausted…slowly she unraveled. Not all of this was due to her battles for our brother…but it didn’t help.

Families are on the front lines of mental health advocacy. A bitch does not have the words to describe the fear, worry, sadness, frustration and heartache that comes with having a loved one who has a mental health issue. There is also laughter, joy and indescribable pride. My brother’s name is Bill…he is autistic and so much more.

This morning a bitch watched the news in horror. A mentally ill woman in San Francisco threw her children in the bay to drown. It has been reported that she said she heard voices. A family member said she was homeless and had been living with her chil’ren in a shelter. Someone said they think she had stopped taking her meds.

There will be the same talk about forced medication and patient’s rights. The media will speculate about the validity of the insanity defense. A morbid memorial is probably being set up…teddy bears and flowers for chil’ren who will never see them or play with toys again. People will search for blame, causes and responsibility. A few will search for the truth.

The sad reality is that mental health care is a complicated issue. Patients are often released into a world with little understanding of mental illness. Access to medication and therapy is lacking if not non-existent. And too many mentally ill Americans join the ranks of our nation’s homeless. We walk by them and avert our gaze. We read about them and roll our eyes and say shit like…"Where is their family?” or “I would never let my sister walk around like that!”

Our ignorance is present in our absolute statements about what we would do and how we would handle it.

Families face limited legal options, an apathetic public, a fucked up medical system, over worked and under paid social services and law enforcement officers who are stretched to the brink. Oh, and lets not forget the actual loved one who is dealing with mental illness.

A bitch is exhausted and tired. My ass is kept awake at night fretting about the quality of my brother’s care, his happiness and his security. This bitch worries about the present and the future. When my ass sees horrible stories about abuse my stomach turns at the thought of anything happening to Bill. When there is a media story about a mentally ill woman killing her chil’ren, this bitch is tormented that the same system that turned its back on her could turn its back on Bill at any moment.

Who will stand for my American family? Who will speak truth to government for Bill and the millions of Americans who depend on the system for so much? My ass isn’t asking for a handout…this bitch’s family has worked and participated in the building of this country for over 100 years. My ass is asking for what’s right.

A bitch wants a peaceful sleep. A bitch wants to know that Bill is a priority and that our society will judge ourselves on how we treat the most vulnerable not just how or if we pray. A bitch is torn up inside because too often my ass feels alone in this fight. This bitch is irrationally angry that other families don’t have to feel this horrible never-ending stress. And my ass knows that so many other families know exactly what a bitch is talking about…that too many American families face their own silent ongoing drama.

My ass wishes folks realized that "those people" have a name, many have loved ones who care about them and too many have families who simply don't give a shit. This bitch wishes people would see the mentally ill and handicapped...look a person with down syndrome in the eye or smile at my brother's insane joy over McDonald's rather than just sit and stare.

My brother’s name is Bill…he is autistic and so much more. He has a limited vocabulary, is hyperactive and obsessive compulsive. He also loves his family and friends, French fries and Dr. Pepper, obsesses about magazines and clean surfaces and is an all around great guy.

Our struggle is to keep him visible, to prevent him from becoming a diagnosis and to prevent him from joining the ranks of the invisible.

Sometimes my ass even gets sit down and share some of those fries.

Sometimes a bitch gets to be a sister...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

An update and some other shit...

A bitch would like to think all of the concerned social workers that contacted me regarding Bill’s situation! Last night my ass was cursing all social workers, but hearing directly from several of you my ass must revise my opinion.

Update
Bill’s dental appointment has been rescheduled for this Thursday. A bitch will be there. My ass is a wee bit anxious…it’s hard to see him get upset. So, a bitch is sending prayers to the Devine One that Bill will be more at peace and allow this cleaning to get done!

A certain social worker’s boss has not returned my fucking phone call. A very bitchy message has been left with the Executive Director, Residential Director, a certain social worker’s boss and a certain social worker.

A bitch will be heard.

One of my biggest pet peeves is returning phone calls. This bitch thinks phone calls should be returned within 24 hours. Now, my ass understands that a person may want to avoid returning a phone call when the message is irate…but a bitch doesn’t give a shit.

Anyhoo, my ass will keep y’all posted!

2 cups coffee with real sugar (a bitch needs to go to the market) and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

When murder hits home…
A bitch was trying to avoid thinking about the drama of my brother’s care last night. My ass didn’t turn to the elixir of vodka and cran…that’s a dangerous road to travel down. Instead, this bitch turned to CNN!

Legal analyst Daniel Horowitz has been thrust into the public eye in a very tragic way. His wife was murdered in their home. He found the body.

The facts of this case are still coming together, but a bitch is more interested in the spin and who’s doing it.

Horowitz did an interview with Nancy Grace, most likely in an attempt to prevent her from drawing unsubstantiated conclusions and convicting him on national television…that’s just her way. Tonight he will do a live interview on Dan Abrams' legal show.

Nancy Grace, being the publicity hungry media whore that she is, plopped herself on CNN real quick. Nancy went on and on about how legitimately distraught Horowitz is and how he had an alibi.

Abrams did much of the same on the Today Show this morning.

A bitch is disgusted.

First of all, we don’t know the facts of this case. What we do know is that most people are murdered by someone they know…boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, mother, father…oh, and husband too. A bitch knows this and any lawyer fresh from the bar exam should know it too. Nancy Grace and Dan Abrams should certainly want to protect their friend. What they shouldn’t do is cross that fucking line between friend and legal pundit. Fuck it…it’s not like their trained lawyers who would know that drawing conclusions this early isn’t wise.

Also disturbing is the appearance of Horowitz on television so soon after his wife’s murder.

A bitch comes from a tradition of theatrical public grief, so the fact that his ass can fucking speak makes me suspicious. Note to Horowitz – anything you say or do may be used against you in the court of public opinion. Get a lawyer and cease doing interviews. Jesus, she’s not even buried yet!

This bitch can’t even fucking count the number of suspects who have had their reputations dragged through the mud by various media whores trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. Time after time, these so-called legal pundits have drawn unsubstantiated conclusions and have articulated wild theories. Now, when one of their own is knee deep in a gruesome killing, they present this united front of support. Shit, Nancy Grace is a fucking character witness for Horowitz and he hasn’t even been charged!

This stinks to high heaven.

For Horowitz, the frenzy he loves has hit home. Copters fly overhead and the media is camped out in front of his house. A bitch would have respected him more had he withdrawn…it would have been human and moving to see a man who loved the spotlight demonstrate some fucking class and move into the shadows to mourn his wife. Instead, he chose to circle with the sharks.

Should we anticipate a live feed from the funeral?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Food for the soul...

A bitch is feeling slightly more calm. Still bitchy, but more calm.

My ass just inhaled a yummy smothered pork chop, stewed cabbage and mashed taters from Sweetie Pie's. Sweetie Pie's is new to the Manchester strip and it is fantabulous...unless you are a vegetarian.

Ah...a bitch needed some food for the soul.

Now, peacefully sated, my ass will continue my vigil for a FUCKING RETURN PHONE CALL FROM THE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO PISSED ME OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE!

They have until 5pm...

...then a bitch shall begin building them a new asshole.

Anyhoo, check out Sweetie Pie's on Manchester at the corner of Tower Grove (where Mangrove used to be). They serve breakfast, lunch and dinner...oh, and yummy Mississippi style soul food that'll make you want to jump up and slap somebody.

Oh yes...my ass is angry!

A bitch is pissed off!

Fuck the coffee and the fucking Splenda too!

Indulge a bitch, please.

ABB’s Rant about Social Services…
Loyal readers know that a bitch’s brother, Bill, is autistic. Bill is not Rain Man autistic…he’s profoundly autistic.

Now, this bitch and my sister are my brother’s co-guardians. Our father is no longer living and our mother is crazy, so we are each other’s family. We like it that way. When we moved back home to St. Louis we knew that we were going to take on the role of guardianship.

And we have endured non-stop bullshit from day one of my guardianship.

Medical
The motherfuckers who administer Medicaid should have to live under Medicaid for a year…just one year…then their asses would have a better understanding of just how fucked up their blessed system is!

Two years ago a bitch assisted my brother’s caseworkers as they navigated the Medicaid wasteland in an attempt to get Bill a basic dental cleaning. 10 months later, Bill went in for a cleaning and came out with three filings and a root canal. A bitch is still waiting for someone to explain to me how paying $3,250 for a root canal is saving the taxpayers money when his general cleaning would have cost $250.

Motherfuckers!

Two years later and we are stuck in the same nightmare. No dental and no fucking basic understanding that preventative medicine costs less than catastrophic treatment.

Housing
My brother lives in a group home. He requires 24-hour care, which is provided by one of the leading centers for autistic care in the country…which is right here in St. Louis. We are blessed that Bill is not rotting in a Mental Hospital…a bitch knows that. But Bill is dependent on Social Security and that is where he gets fucked. Bill pays for his housing and all that falls under that. Missouri, desperate to ensure that a 35 year old autistic with a vocabulary of less that 100 words doesn’t take them for a ride, indulges in yearly changes to his housing guidelines.

So, year-to-year Bill is better off working…then not working…living in a group home…then living in a private care facility…paying for his shit as an individual…then paying for his shit as part of a group.

And this black bitch is a fucking case manager…rather than the fucking sister my ass wants to be!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...fucking fuck it!

Shit.

The Facility and assholes
A bitch is pissed about a specific thing…the social workers who run my brother’s facility. Not all social workers, but these specific social workers and the social workers who trained them and the social workers who trained the motherfuckers who trained those assholes. A bitch is so tired of asking for basic communication and being confronted with terminology.

A bitch is fed up with people discussing my brother as the client, the patient and the case.

A bitch can’t stand one more fucking minute of some master degree-holding asshole ranting about forms, estimates, procedure and all of it! If my ass hears the word 'behaviors' one more motherfucking time....UGH!

A bitch just wants to be called and told when something happens…my ass doesn’t give a shit who told who what and who was supposed to notify me by such and such form!

Ugh!!!

Bill lost his job September 30th. He was supposed to have that job until December. A bitch was notified last night. My ass still hasn't been contacted regarding a plan.

This is unacceptable!

Bill got upset at his dentist appointment last week and they had to cut it short. His rescheduled appointment was canceled today because someone forgot to order his calm down pill. A bitch will be lighting candals tonight in the hopes that the decency gods will motivate someone to FUCKING CALL MY ASS AND TELL ME WHEN THE APPOINTMENT IS!

This is unacceptable.

And once again my ass is stuck managing a case with after the fact information and a resistant system that seems determined to make guardianship such a fucking misery that my ass will abandon my brother, step out of their way and just let them do with him what they wish.

Good try, motherfuckers! All y'all did was bring down another load of whoop ass from this angry black bitch.

A bitch ain’t going anywhere…my ass can’t say the same thing about this fucked up system.

Lawd have mercy! Life isn't supposed to be like this...

Monday, October 17, 2005

A plague of uncertainty...

Chil’ren, a bitch is exhausted! My ass just couldn’t get to sleep last night. Oh well, now a bitch is slow and seeking energy…

3 cups coffee followed by Splenda and 1% organic milk, cheesy eggs and toast, 1 Claritin, 1 Sudafed (a bitch needs to go to the Medicine Shoppe and stock up) and cigs…

My ass watched the Today Show this morning and was disturbed to see Katie Couric looking very Joan Riversesque. Someone hit the Botox a little too hard this weekend! This bitch finds an expressionless face freakish. Since Katie was already looking every inch the over preserved freak, this recent round of Botox resulted in an uber-freak appearance. Isn’t it a little early for Halloween?

A bitch was trying to figure out what brought on this new experiment in anti-aging when young Dakota Fanning appeared…on horseback in Central Park.

Oh…now my ass gets it! Katie, desperate to appear young a vivacious next to the new tween queen, decided to…well…renew herself over the weekend.

Fuck me if she didn’t appear alongside Dakota in the second half hour…on horseback in Central Park. After listening to her talk to Miss Fanning as if the child were a toddler and not a pre-teen, a bitch switched over to CNN to get caught up on the sorta-news of the day.

A plague of uncertainty…
Harriet Miers is facing a vicious confirmation hearing. Social conservatives are still not sold on her and would like to see her nomination derailed so that Scooter would be forced to put up one of their chosen fascists. Democrats have been struck mute…do they diss her and then face a more seasoned conservative nomination or do they confirm her and face a lifetime of trying to figure her out? DRAMA! Suffice it to say, this confirmation hearing will most likely be a combination of Clarence Thomas and Robert Bork. Oh yes, this is definitely going to be appointment viewing for a bitch!

Scooter Libby (a bitch is still pissed that his ass has taken over my nickname for the president) has emerged as a likely target for the investigators trying to track down who was responsible for the illegal leaking of CIA operative Mrs. Wilson to Bob I am Satan Novak. This bitch is still confused…didn’t Novak leak the name? When all the dust is settled, shouldn’t Novak still have to answer to what he knew and when he knew it? The Prince of Darkness should answer for this shit…tick tock on the justice clock for Novak and his fellow minions.

Karl Rove just got done testifying again before the Grand Jury investigating the same illegal leak of Mrs. Wilson’s name. This bitch has been giving Karl special corrective attention of late. Word on the street is that Karl plans to resign if indicted. Oh, how the mighty do fall! Who wants to take bets on whether Karl masters his own salvation? Crafty motherfucker.

Tom DeLay, the Exterminator from hell, is knee deep in a shit flood of his own creation. Drama couldn’t happen to a better asshole. So, why hasn’t the Attorney General of Missouri launched an investigation into DeLay’s connection to Roy and Matt Blunts campaigns? Oh, and wasn’t he linked to Jim I don’t like work Talent’s fundraising too? What gives Missouri? Time to dig dirt, assholes…GET TO IT!

And to top it off, Scooter’s triumphant Iraqi election fell rather flat. Americans are worn out and totally over this war. Scooter’s attempt to rally public support resulted in yet another public relations disaster. Coaching happens all the time, but this bitch wants to know who on the Scooter payroll backstabbed his ass by broadcasting the entire pre-event coaching session to every major news outlet. That was beyond bitchy! Fantabulous.

Ah, this week in bitchitude looks promising...

Friday, October 14, 2005

Happy fucking Friday!

Regarding my quest for Smarties…my ass has been informed that they reside at Nestle here in town! Yeah! Smarties will be procured at lunch and inhaled immediately. Although the idea of Smarties from Montreal is appealing...aren't the ingredients listed in French? Oooh, la, la!

Moving forward...
This bitch had a dawg related scare this morning. My sister’s pooch, Sweetie the three legged chow, hurt her back leg. She only has one front leg, so a bitch’s sister was anxious that she may end up with a two legged chow. DRAMA! Since my sister had a meeting, this bitch ended up running Miss Sweet up to the vet. No major damage, but Sweetie is now on an anti-inflamatory med and we’ll have to watch her to see if it persists.

And a bitch started her day off with 1 cup coffee and major DRAMA!

A bitch truly enjoyed all of the comments on yesterday's post! Fantabulous! Regarding the question of whether we should fret over sex ed. while so many other things are going to shit in America…a bitch is rather passionate about this being a huge issue.

You cannot discuss poverty in America without discussing the role planned parenthood (the practice not the institution) or the lack of planned parenthood plays in it. A bitch wants to make certain that folks know that straight black women are the fastest growing group being diagnosed with STD’s and that there is a syphilis epidemic in St. Louis. Many parents are as uninformed as their chil'ren here in the land of daily mass and sanctified marriage. This bitch thinks that sex…sex ed…and sexual politics are way up on the list of shit we should talk about.

In Missouri, the politics of sex is poised to take a huge toll.

They have chipped away at reproductive rights with the goal being that young people will no longer be educated on any form of family planning other than abstinence. Chil’ren do not learn that there is a correlation between when a woman has a child on her own and whether she will live in poverty. The divorce rate is at 57%, public education is producing dumb assed chil'ren and good jobs are harder and harder to find. Add to that the fact that Missouri recently removed 150,000 working citizens off the Medicaid and it begins to look like our state's goal is to destroy the American dream one family at a time.

This is the cold hard reality of republican family values in action. All of this is usually looked at issue by issue and, when viewed that way, it is easy to say that there are other more pressing issues to confront.

But a bitch likes to keep it real. Missouri has declared war on the working poor and poor black women in particular. Missouri is systematically creating a loose/loose scenario in which families are locked into a cycle of separate and not equal eduation, malnutrition, inadequate health care and generally being pimped by the state. Their chil’ren will emerge uneducated, unhealthy, uninspired and unprepared.

This is our other war and y’all can bet your ass a bitch is going to fight it.

On the issue of partisan politics…
A bitch has said it before and my ass is about to say it again…there is a right and a wrong and liberals need to cease apologizing!

If you think that social security is no long needed…your ass is wrong!

If you think an employer should be able to fire someone because they are gay or lesbian…you are wrong!

If you think that education should differ state to state, county to county…that a child who gets a shit education in St. Louis city will not turn around a bite the ass of the chil’ren getting a good education in St. Louis county…your ass is wrong!

If you think you can invade a country and “build” a democracy…you are wrong!

If you think Karen Hughes can rebuild our reputation in the Middle East…you are wrong. And if you think she can accomplish anything while we are still fighting an illegal war...you are dead wrong!

If you think that informing people about how to protect themselves against STD’s leads to sex…WRONG!

If you think that American women have achieved equality and moved into the post-feminist era…you are wrong!

If you think that we live in a society where all are equal and black chil’ren and white chil’ren will lift their voices up and sing old negro spirituals…we ain’t there yet, half of us can’t sign and you are wrong!

If you think health care for everyone is a stupid idea…you are wrong.

If you think that a free press that questions those in power is un-American...you are wrong!

If you think a living wage will come about out of the goodness of an employer’s heart…WRONG!

If you think the glass ceiling is history…wrong, wrong, wrong!

If you think our abuse of the environment will never come back to haunt us…wrong!

And if you think marriage is a “sometimes food” reserved for Gawd fearing Christian heterosexuals and that any alteration of that will destroy society…yep, you are wrong!

This bitch has values…

If that’s partisan then a bitch is partisan as a motherfucker…

Happy fucking Friday!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

To screw or not to screw...

A bitch has a headache…sinus pressure and such.

My ass appreciates the promise of Smarties from abroad! A bitch’s sister pointed out that Nestle Purina is right here in St. Louis and they may have some Smarties on hand. This bitch plans to investigate. If they don’t, a formal request for yummy chocolate goodness will have to be made!

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, followed by 3 Excedrin, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

The passing of Jack White…
A bitch is a Nixon conspiracy enthusiast. My ass is fascinated with the entire Nixon era, particularly the role of media. Nixon was plagued by many scandals, most of which he brought down upon his own ass. As much as Nixon damaged the image of the presidency, investigating Nixon lifted the image of the media.

Jack White was an amazing reporter whose Pulitzer Prize winning article on Nixon’s tax evasion helped establish the depth of corruption within the Nixon White House and, indeed, within Nixon the man.

White was a reporter’s reporter back when reporters where reporters. This bitch mourns the loss of the man as well as his ethic…

Moving forward…

To screw or not to screw...
Americans are in a culture war over sex…who, what, when and where. This bitch has been more than a little annoyed. When my ass read this article about a new chastity group that was formed by Princeton University students…well…a bitch just wanted to scream!

A bitch understands that there are some people and groups that advocate abstinence until marriage. What my ass doesn’t understand is why abstinence groups feel that other groups shouldn’t discuss the alternative to abstinence...otherwise known as sex.

Let’s be honest…there isn’t a whole lot to discuss about abstinence other than the benefits of not getting pregnant or exposed to disease. A bitch can just imagine the meetings…

“Hello everyone! Well, no sex happening here. How about you? Still not fucking? Great!”

Or maybe these abstinence group meetings are actually discussing the challenges of not having sex…

“Oh my Gawd…I so wanted to get laid yesterday. Sex was all I could think about. Thank Gawd I have this group to fall back on and discuss not having sex!”

Better yet, maybe they just sit around and get nasty…

“I had a dream last night where I was…well…I was horny! Yeah! And I just kept being horny!”

…nasty talk isn’t all that kinky when you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. Shit, those fantasies have got to be boring as a motherfucker!

Anyhoo, this bitch believes that abstinence should be a component of any sex ed. curriculum. However, sex ed. requires a discussion of sex too and my ass is fucking tired of people acting like discussing sex makes people more likely to have sex.

This bitch was blessed to have participated in a comprehensive sex ed. class in school. Added to that was a healthy dose of my crazy assed mother threatening to kill me if I “came up pregnant” in her house. This bitch was scared off sex by the facts for years….YEARS!

And when my ass decided to get it on this bitch was equipped with some knowledge and a realistic understanding of the consequences.

Yeah, this bitch supports abstinence…my ass wishes motherfuckers would abstain from promoting abstinence only education.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Quizzicals...

A bitch is dealing with the season changing blahs, which is weird because fall is my favorite season. Fuck it!

2 cups coffee, 1 slice yummy apple pie (my sister loves me), 1 Claritin, 2 Dayquil gel caps and cigs…

A bitch has decided to write a book. My ass has several topics swimming around in my head…life, race, class, equality, bitchitude and the emergence of Sweden as the new "it" country. This bitch is going to indulge in some free-writing tonight and see what develops.

Anyhoo, since this bitch hasn’t any idea how a book gets published my ass is going to be doing a lot of research. Oh, and then there is the matter of actually writing the fucking thing. Oh well a bitch’s book is in the works!

Moving forward…

Quizzicals…

Our neighbor to the north...
My ass googled Canadian news and found out that there is a heated teachers strike in British Columbia. Who the fuck knew? My ass spends hours contemplating the state of American society as if it is the only game in town. Too often, a bitch looks at other countries and just assumes that they are either fucked up beyond repair or perfect. In reality, everyone has something to bitch about. Somewhere in British Columbia there is an angry teacher bitch and an angry why the fuck can’t my child go to school because he or she is working my motherfucking nerves parent bitch.

Somehow it is comforting to know that Canada has these problems too. There's more to Canada than yummy Smarties and universal health care! A bitch is glad to know that y'all aren't too happy up there while we Americans wallow in misery. Good luck on that strike thang, B.C.! Oh, and send more Smarties!

On police beat downs…
By now everyone has seen the video of a New Orleans resident getting the shit beat out of him by New Orleans police officers and a couple of FBI agents. A bitch was disturbed but not shocked to learn that the officers were white and the victim was black. Nor was my ass shocked to hear many in the media discuss the possible defense of the officers and debate whether such a beating may be justified.

This bitch feels towards this latest police beating what my ass felt towards the Rodney King beating. If this man was such a threat why not shoot him? If police academies are teaching officers to beat until submission, is that the right course of action? At what point does an arrest become an assault? A bitch believes that this type of aggressive physical action is wrong. The facts of the case will always be disputed, but no one should be beaten to that extent in an effort to make an arrest. No one should be continually assaulted while their hands are cuffed behind their back and they are on the ground. At that point any bitch would resist as human survival kicks in.

We shall see, but haven’t we seen enough?

Toodles...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Scooter and the neverending photo ops...

This morning it was announced that Scooter and Laura were going to appear on the Today Show! This bitch took copious notes and added a bit of bitch-flavor to the following recount...

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, cheesy eggs with toast, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Scooter and the neverending photo ops - Another Failed Strategy…
Sunday night, after watching Scooter’s already damaged reputation take a beating on every political chat show, the minions gathered to discuss strategy.

It was decided that Scooter and Laura would head down to the Gulf and attempt to piggyback on the Today Show’s rebuilding efforts. The minions secreted Scooter and Laura out of the White House and prepped him for the interview.

“Be strong and be consistent! America needs to see that the President is working hard and engaged!” the minions chanted.

“I am working hard, motherfuckers! Just give me the hammer and shut the fuck up!” Scooter slurred.

Laura snarled firecely…"Pull yourself together, man! I’ll have you back in your cage in a fucking second if you don’t get into character!”

Ever fearful of his lonely cage, Scooter repented and reviewed the talking points.

Scooter and Laura joined Matt at the Today Show’s Habitat for Humanity build site. Scooter had a hammer and Matt had a microphone…

Matt, carefully avoiding contact with dirt and wood-like materials, addressed Scooter…"What is the biggest change you’ve seen in the region post Katrina?”

Scooter fingered his hammer and desperately wishing he could smash Lauer’s head open…“Hope is returning! Oh, and they are rebuilding an infrastructure.”

Matt…"Are you trying to get a second chance at a first impression by coming down here?”

“Don’t be glib. You’re being glib! You don’t know anything about first impressions. I KNOW ABOUT FIRST IMPRESSIONS! A lot of people are working hard! I take responsibility!”

Matt, careful to step back from the irate President…”Some Democrats are calling your trips bullshit photo ops. They want to see a plan. Do you have a plan?”

“I don’t think Washington should dictate to New Orleans how to rebuild. I don’t share the attitude that we know more than local people!” Scooter replied dismissively.

Matt, digging in and attempting to be a journalist…”Congressional Democrats are upset that new relief legislation lacks a forgiveness clause and mandates that loans be paid back in 5 years. Are you going to ask that a forgiveness clause be put back in?”

“The initial legislation was for small amounts of money. The new legislation is for large amounts of money. It’s a lot of money! I’m giving these people 5 years to pay it back. Shit, those are the terms mandated by China! You sure are quoting a lot of Democrats today, Matt.” Jesus, I hate this motherfucker Scooter thought then flushed with the fear that he might have actually said that out loud.

Desperate to sound Presidential, Scooter offered up…“I’m trying to inspire people to volunteer!”

Matt, remembering that the Today Show isn’t real news…”That’s a good point! This may motivate others.”

Seeing her husband going down in flames, Laura tossed in…”This is very American!”

“I think most people are not interest in politics!” Scooter mumbled, desperate for a shot of bourbon…JUST ONE FUCKING HIT OF BOURBON, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Matt…”Are you surprised by the reaction of your fellow Republicans to the nomination of Miers?”

I’m surprised that I haven’t bashed your head in with this fucking hammer, asshole! “I made the decision to nominate someone who is not part of the judicial monestary!” Scooter fumbled.

Always eager to redirect, Laura dug deep…”Harriet Miers is a role model for young women! This may be sexism!”

Wondering if the cameraman was getting his good side, Matt changed topics…”Many people are concerned about Avian Flu. Is this the end of days?”

“We are working hard. We need to give more power to the military to take the lead on these things.”

Sensing that Scooter was on the verge of a breakdown, Lauer turned to Laura…”Your husband has been through a lot. What toll has all of this taken on him?

Laura, eyes glassy and lips tight…”He has very broad shoulders!”

Hung over and desperate for Irish coffee, Scooter finished with…“I can barely stand up! Let’s go build a house!”

Eager to take out some frustration on a defenseless wall, Scooter walked away and began to hammer like a madman.

“I’m working hard! Can’t they see how fucking hard I’m working!” Scooter mumbled while striking blindly with the hammer.

Laura spat on the ground, cursed sharply and glared at Scooter. So much for strategy, she thought, and longed for the days of vetted audiences and pre-screened questions.

A bitch, sitting beside her beloved sorta-beagle, sat back in stunned silence.

ABB to Betsey the sorta-beagle…"We’re fucked.”

Betsey to her bitch…"Girl, you’ve been fucked.”

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Revolt of a Minion...

A bitch had one of those weekends where you run around and end up exhausted. Weekends full of work make a bitch very bitchy…

2 cups coffee followed by Splenda and a healthy dash of 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

This bitch watched the Sunday political chat shows and was…well…my ass was shocked. It’s been years since a bitch has witnessed conservatives attacking within the herd! My ass forgot what a fucking joy it is to witness…

The Revolt of a Minion…
Ann Coulter is pissed! Girlfriend is fired up and not pulling any punches, chil’ren. She is joined by Pat Nixon was framed Buchanan, Bill mother told me to hate you Kristol and just about every conservative newspaper in the country. This bitch witnessed the conservative mauling of Scooter Sunday and it was as gruesome as a lion hunt on the National Geographic channel!

As you may have guessed, a bitch has no love for Ann Coulter. Ann is a bitter, hard, nasty warrior for the Right and this bitch can’t stand her. My initial response to her reformed protest stance on Scooter was one of joyful amazement.

After reading Ann's current rant, however, a bitch has moved on to anger…

I eagerly await the announcement of President Bush's real nominee to the Supreme Court. If the president meant Harriet Miers seriously, I have to assume Bush wants to go back to Crawford and let Dick Cheney run the country. From www.anncoulter.com October 10, 2005.

Bitch please! This is what you get for supporting an idiot looser for President…twice…based on the perception that his Vice President would control him and tell his ass what to do! Honey, y’all fucked up and my ass means fucked up good. That shit worked for the first term…sort of…but Scooter has been empowered by a second term and now we all have to reap the whirlwind. And don’t try to convince yourself that voicing your displeasure will make him change his mind. This motherfucker doesn’t respond to complaints…trust.

Harriet Miers went to Southern Methodist University Law School, which is not ranked at all by the serious law school reports and ranked No. 52 by US News and World Report. Her greatest legal accomplishment is being the first woman commissioner of the Texas Lottery. From www.anncoulter.com October 10, 2005.

Oh no you didn’t! Shut the fuck up! All of the sudden a person has to be intellectually qualified? Where were you when we liberals were demanding a President with a brain? A bitch is so glad that y’all have decided to embrace thinking…too bad you waited for the nation to go knee deep into an illegal war, mount up the largest debt in history, rape the environment and return to the days of medieval healthcare!

I know conservatives have been trained to hate people who went to elite universities, and generally that's a good rule of thumb. But not when it comes to the Supreme Court. From www.anncoulter.com October 10, 2005.

Way to fucking go, Ann! Jesus, you must be the pride and joy of Cornell!

First, Bush has no right to say "Trust me." He was elected to represent the American people, not to be dictator for eight years. Among the coalitions that elected Bush are people who have been laboring in the trenches for a quarter-century to change the legal order in America. While Bush was still boozing it up in the early '80s, Ed Meese, Antonin Scalia, Robert Bork and all the founders of the Federalist Society began creating a farm team of massive legal talent on the right. From www.anncoulter.com October 10, 2005.

Ahhhh! A bitch is just going to let that one sit and stink on ice. Boozing? What boozing? Scooter came to Jesus and renounced the evil elixir of alcohol! A bitch thought that was one of his greatest qualifications. Didn't y'all say his boozing wasn't a big deal? And cut the bullshit, Ann…Scooter was elected to represent a select group of people and he’s just doing the devil's work up there in Washington D.C.! It’s a little late to break out the Breathalyzer, isn’t it honey.

However nice, helpful, prompt and tidy she is, Harriet Miers isn't qualified to play a Supreme Court justice on "The West Wing," let alone to be a real one. Both Republicans and Democrats should be alarmed that Bush seems to believe his power to appoint judges is absolute. This is what "advice and consent" means. From www.anncoulter.com October 10, 2005.

All this questioning of Presidential power is so very un-American, Ann! Wasn’t it you who said everyone should be patriotic Americans right now? Buck up and take it like a citizen, Ann. You get the government you demand and your emaciated non-blond ass has been defending Scooter's gospel for years.

Jesus, what is the world coming to? Next week we’ll have Ann Coulter bitching about tax and spend Republicans and the impracticality of an ownership society…

Is Ann seeing the light? No…she’s just waking up to reality that the Emperor has no clothes and his ass is one ugly naked motherfucker. Ann Coulter is not moving to the Left. My ass is certain that Ann Coulter is really just concerned about this redefinition of her beloved Right. And all my ass can say is tough shit you spawn of Satan! Asshole neo-cons get no brownie points for fuguring out that W stands for Wrong when their idea of right is just as fucked up.

This liberal hopes Democrats do their patriotic duty, keep their distance from the brawl and let these assholes feast on their own all the way into the 2008 election cycle…

Friday, October 07, 2005

Post #3 - Katie Couric's Breasts...

Oh yeah, that second dose of Sudafed just kicked in!

This morning a bitch was able to catch the second half hour of the Today Show and it was a classic.

Who could forget Katie Couric’s colonoscopy last year! Chil’ren, it was exactly what this bitch didn’t need to see while trying to inhale cheesy eggs and toast!

What could possible top that?

You guessed it!

Katie graced viewers with the weirdest mammogram in the history of breast fattening cancer screenings staged for morning television!

This bitch is all about preventative medicine, so let me first urge all women to do self-exams and get screened if they are in the right age bracket. Know your breasts, ladies! The Today Show has provided information here.

Having said that…

Katie Couric has dense breasts.

A bitch has not had first hand knowledge of Miss Couric’s breasts, but their denseness was revealed to the world on the Today Show today. Sadly, Katie didn’t participate in full frontal nudity despite the rating potential. Instead, Miss Couric practiced several deliberate body hiding angles and held on to her hospital gown shroud like a 90-year-old nun.

First, Katie had a mammogram. Her breasts were flattened to allow for a more accurate reading and, since she didn’t howl in pain, female viewers should be encouraged to go forth and be screened! Shit, if Katie can do it so can you.

Next, Katie was encouraged to have a breast ultrasound. Viewers were informed that women with very dense breasts should have this procedure because it allows technicians to clearly see the difference between a cyst and a problem.

Well, Katie’s breasts are fine. They may be a little shocked after being handled, massaged, squished and then ultrasounded. From the delirious smile on Katie’s face, this bitch is guessing that her breasts enjoyed the ultrasound far more than the mammogram.

What the hell…kudos to Katie for putting her breasts where her colon has been and promoting breast cancer awareness!

A bitch shudders to think of the Pap smear segment you just know they’ve got planned for next year….

Happy Friday, chil’ren!

Post #2 - So many submissives so little time...

A bitch just consumed several yummy wings for lunch, 2 more Sudafed and a Mountain Dew…

My ass is the queen of the world!!!

Oh…sorry…a bitch is a wee bit wired…

Anyhoo, as promised my ass has more to say!

Scooter, the base and who lost whom…
Last night, while a bitch tried to decide which ruthless rod of correction to use to best beat some respect into Karl Rove’s wide ass, my ass sat upon the thrown of correction and enjoyed the soothing sensation of William Bennett bathing my feet in a bath of warm water he had fetched for his Mistress.

What?

Catch up new readers! A bitch has an entire stable of dream-based submissives. Doesn’t everyone?

So, as my ass was saying, Wills had fetched the foot bath water. It took some time, since he was instructed to catch the fresh drops of morning dew from leaves within my dream-based forest of bitchitude. Your ass had better believe he was righteously punished with the relentless rod of correction for taking so fucking long!

As William finished bathing my feet and patting them both dry, this bitch decided upon a long thin leather whip for Karl.

With a single pointed finger a bitch directed Wills off of the thrown and he returned to the back of the room where he was being forced to gently rub cocoa butter into the swollen bellies and feet of 100 pregnant black women while walking on a carpet of rusty nails.

Turning my attention to Karl, a bitch approached him and checked the restraints.

Suddenly Bill Kristol appeared out of fucking nowhere!

“What the fuck? How dare you intrude! This is a bitch’s sacred dream-lair of correction!”

Kristol, ever the warlock, was unapologetic. He soon changed his defiant stance after this bitch slapped him sharply several times.

“Mistress, my deepest apologies. I must beg you to release Karl Rove! The President has sealed himself within the Oval Office and is…oh God…he’s making decisions! Jesus…oh God….” Covering his face with his hands, Kristol began to sob.

A bitch waited for him to collect him self then prompted him to continue with a wicked flick of my whip against his left thigh.

“Ouch…shit! Yeah, ummm, as I was saying…please release Mr. Rove! The President is crazy and stupid and that is a dangerous combination! He will ruin the country!” Kristol whined.

With a single raised palm a bitch silenced him.

“No shit, asshole.” was sighed.

Slowly a bitch approached Karl Rove and removed his gag.

“What have you to say to this, Karl? Speak!” a bitch commanded.

“Mistress, it is true that Scooter is out of control. It is true that he has been fucking up hurricane evacuations, the budget, the war, the environment, and Supreme Court nominations. And it is true that I am distracted, but that has nothing to do with you! Mistress, I have to prepare to testify before a Grand Jury! They are planning to indict me and this is my last chance to avoid a perjury trial. I simply do not have time to peel grapes for you, run the country and think for Scooter. Jesus to God, I am only one man!!!” Karl, spent, collapsed.

Sharply my ass turned to Kristol.

“It seems to me that Karl has his priorities in the right place for once…he has chosen to serve his Mistress. You, on the other hand, are seeking to perpetuate your sick, people hating, and greedy neo-conservative agenda. It’s much easier to critique those in power than to control them, isn’t it? Karl is mine…until they send his ass to jail. You wanted Scooter to be President and now you are feeling the same pain the rest of us have been suffering for years. Leave me!” and he was dismissed from my liar.

Suffice it to say the dream progressed quite well after that. As a bitch woke up my ass was pleased with the world having corrected Karl Rove and William Bennett in one night!

Sipping my morning coffee, my ass was not surprised to see a waxy Bill Bristol on the Today Show blaming the White House’s recent mistakes on a distracted Rove. Basically he was saying that Scooter isn’t qualified to select a nominee on his own, no one on the Right is prepared to trust Scooter’s judgment and Harriet Miers should be a good American and step aside.

Smiling, this bitch admired my fresh pedicure and wondered…is Bush losing his base or has the base lost Bush?

Post #1 - Bullshit...

It’s Friday and this bitch has a lot to say. So, expect several posts today…

2 cups coffee followed by Splenda and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

A bitch was pretty pissed off to hear that the Catholic Church is now searching for gays in the priesthood. After years of scandal and too many victims of priestly abuse, the Catholic Church has decided to resurrect The Inquisition…right here in St. Louis…against gays. A bitch is amazed that the Church is still attempting to view pedophilia as a component of homosexuality, but then again they also think wearing a condom is abortion. At any rate, this bitch was pondering the Church’s inability to grasp the difference.

My ass has also been having deep and thoughtful conversations with Brother Rob about the world and how fucked up it is. We’ve debated education, health care, the plight of the working poor and race. Yesterday we discussed education, chil’ren, the relationship between sex ed. and abortion, hope and the evil light of reality.

So, when my ass settled down to watch TiVoed episodes of Oprah last night this bitch’s mind was primed. The episode was about child predators in America. Specifically, the fact that many child abusers are given slaps on the wrist and released to prey on children again. Oprah was fierce and angry. She has established a reward for the capture of offenders featured on her web site. Every Friday Oprah will provide updates and feature new offenders.

Please take time to view this information.

Oprah’s show on child predators featured a huge screen of young, happy, innocent faces…children who are lost and have been victimized in the most horrible way. Many of the young women this bitch volunteers with are survivors of sexual abuse and Oprah’s statement that these are all our chil’ren is an opinion shared by this angry black woman too.

As a bitch continued to watch, the show segued into a rundown of last year’s high profile child murders. Child after child, family after family, investigation after investigation, funeral after funeral flashed across the screen. The number of cases that took place in such a short time overwhelmed this bitch. Once the show was over, my ass sat back and digested the information.

The Catholic Church is hunting gays, chil’ren have been put at risk by the unmonitored release of child predators and conservatives are rallying to attack…well…gays/working women/minority rights/working families/privacy rights/women’s rights and the list goes on and on.

It all boils down to this one clear thought for me…while we debate the bullshit we fail to tend to real bitness.

While the Catholic Church mounts a campaign to seek and remove gays from the priesthood…chil’ren are still in danger because pedophilic priests are not the target of this investigation…and pedophiles, not gays, were the assholes who raped and molested chil’ren then utilized the protection of the Catholic Church to continue to RAPE AND MOLEST CHIL’REN!

While conservative Missourians mounted a well-funded campaign to constitutionally prevent same-sex marriage…communities sat uninformed and unprotected from the very real threat of violence against the most vulnerable and their families.

While this bullshit ruled the airwaves real problems and real threats went unaddressed.

Imagine the impact of a national campaign to educate chil’ren about their safety.

Imagine the impact of a Federal Amendment for chil’ren’s rights.

Imagine the impact of a funded study on pedophilia that utilized the information garnered from the multitude of pedophiles within the clergy and sought to better understand how, why, when and can we stop it.

Imagine a Church protecting its youngest members rather than harboring criminals.

Imagine if all the money, effort, phone calls, canvassing and energy that was put into Missouri’s Amendment 2 had been put into advocating legislation that would fund treatment, fund police monitoring programs, fund case workers and parole officers, call for longer sentences and an education program for adults and chil’ren.

A bitch has been inspired by Oprah’s show but my ass is also ashamed of what our society chooses to do in the face of what it should do.

This bitch shouts SHAME to every hate-mongering conservative who spent one hour marching against same sex marriage but hasn’t spent a second working to make this society safe and whole.

This bitch shouts SHAME to the Catholic Church for harboring criminals and fiends then using a sex abuse scandal of their own creation to inspire an atmosphere of hate, violence and oppression. Did you learn nothing? You are unfit to judge!

And this bitch joins Oprah is saying enough. Sit down, shut up and listen, motherfuckers! Our communities have very real threats and our families face very real challenges.

If you are unwilling to address the real danger then step back and let this woman get to work.

But my ass will no longer take the bait and validate the premise of bigoted declarations.

We are at war against evil here at home, chil’ren, and the casualties are mounting.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

A scientific miracle and the art of cleaning money...

Hello chil’ren!

This bitch was thrilled to hear about the successful breeding of a Tom Cruise and a Katie Holmes! Isn’t it amazing what medical science can do today? And, since postpartum depression doesn’t exist in their world, parenthood should be one big fucking dream. Go with Gawd, TomKat and your future kitten! The world always needs another fucked up and angry with the world child of celebrity train wrecks. This bitch is thrilled that Frances Bean will not have to walk down that road alone…

Moving forward…

2 cups coffee followed by Splenda and just a dash of 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

When Dumb People happen to a Good Hustle…
This bitch is savoring the tangy media morsel that Roy Blunt got down and dirty with Tom DeLay and diverted funds to Matt Blunt’s campaign for Governor of Missouri…allegedly. Matt Blunt, our pasty Confederate Flag adoring Governor, is already drowning in dismal poll numbers but it still brought a smile to this bitch’s face. Being connected to this wanna-be John Gottiesque scandal couldn’t have happened to better piece of shit!

However…a bitch is pissed off on behalf of money launderers around the world! Millions of sanctified, Gawd fearing, long skirt wearing, bible toting, James Dobson worshipping Missourians are going to forever connect the skill of money laundering to this sorry assed example of it.

These sorry assed motherfuckers made dollar for dollar transfers from convention party funds to state campaign funds…allegedly...dollar for fucking dollar, chil’ren! This is a perfect example of the crisis our education system is in! Folks don’t even know how to hide illegal money transfers or launder illegal contributions anymore! Carlo Gambino is spinning in his grave.

If you are going to be slick with the cash the least you can do is clean it through a bakery or sub shop before sending it to your cronies! And, for the love of all that is holy, do not send the exact dollar amount you received from one illegal account to your cronies account!

A bitch is disgusted. These assholes aren’t even good crooks. Shit, even Nixon’s minions moved Watergate payoff cash through several accounts before paying it out!

Oh my Gawd! Has it really come to this? Is the neo-con version of the Republican Party really so fucked up that they are making Nixon look smart?

Oh, the horror!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Blog of the Motherfucking Week!

A bitch was just informed that my ass made the Riverfront Times Unreal Blog of the Week...or as we bitches say, blog of the motherfucking week!

Well, slap my ass and call me Martha!

This bitch reads the RFT (our New Times rag) now and then along with our city's other paper of note The Vital VOICE Newspaper (wink) so this is quite a nice complement.

A bitch welcomes new RFT blog of the motherfucking week readers!

Oh, did my ass mention that there is bitch apparel for sale...?

Read a bitch, love a bitch and wear a bitch!

Toodles...

The Women behind the Asshole in charge...

A bitch has been indulging in some serious conversations about China, democracy and the future of the world with Brother Rob. My ass loves this shit! However, this bitch has something else to bitch about today…

2 cups coffee with Splenda and 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed, yummy raisin bran with organic milk and cigs…

A bitch woke up today and settled down to watch the Today Show. My ass was still pissed off at a segment they ran yesterday regarding a British study that said stay at home moms produce better chil’ren than working moms. So, today’s segment on the women behind Scooter sent my ass over the edge…

ABB’s rant on the women behind the asshole in charge...
With the nomination of Harriet Miers for Supreme Court Justice many members of the media are crowning Scooter the king of championing the equality of women. It is true that Scooter’s administration has a lot of high profile women in key positions, so one might assume that Scooter is one heck of a pro-woman’s equality kind of guy.

This bitch thinks that assumption is pure unadulterated bullshit.

Regarding Miers…
Scooter and his minions have settled on the word trailblazer to define Miers. They hope that the public will see Miers as a woman who broke new ground and shattered that glass ceiling to bits. A bitch finds the nomination of Miers insulting. She is being presented as a replacement for one of the most accomplished women of our time. Love her or hate her, Justice O’Conner was in the top 5 of her class at Stanford Law and kicked down quite a few doors. Justice O’Conner was an amazing nominee because she demonstrated just how accomplished a woman could be and, in reality, had to be. She was qualified. Miers is not. And this bitch absolutely rejects any fucking position piece that says Miers was the best woman for the job. No fucking way. Her lack of judicial qualifications in the face of the amazing qualifications of the woman she has been tapped to replace is the very definition of insulting and a clear statement from Scooter regarding how he views women.

Regarding Rice…
Condi, on paper, is quite an accomplished woman. She went to college very young, did very well and then proceeded to live out the black assimilation dream held by many of her generation. Condi has a lot of policy experience, leadership experience and can speak Russian. So, why the fuck is Condi sitting next to the man sitting next to the man sitting next to the head asshole in charge? Why isn’t Condi the head sistah in charge? And why should my black ass be excited to see a woman who could be president sit back and develop fucked up policy for the man who should never have been president? Fuck this shit! This ain’t progress, motherfuckers! This is just the same tired ass bullshit with an uptight white-girl bob. And her policies suck ass!

Regarding Hughes…
Jesus. Where to start? Karen Hughes had a great career as a journalist, which she decided to flush down the toilet and go work on Scooter’s campaign for Governor of Texas. This bitch has no problem with tough as nails, hard working, smart and disciplined women. My ass does have a problem with a woman like that working her ass off for the most uninspiring, unqualified, dumb ass silver spoon wanna be Texan ever to run for office. Shame on you Karen! And this bitch is terrified that the pit-bull of the 2000 election is now spreading American values throughout the Middle East. Lawd have mercy!

And finally, regarding Laura…
Laura Bush is an articulate well-educated woman who was a practicing librarian. By all accounts she loves books and is an avid reader. She seems self possessed and confident. Why in the name of all that is holy did she settle on Scooter? Why Laura? Was it the money? Was it the opportunity to better his ass? Is this a mercy marriage? Are you running for saint or something? Or…could it be that you are evil and therefore attracted to evil? At any rate, Laura’s ability to speak throws into sharp relief her husband's inability to string a sentence together. And those adoring looks are creepy. Go with Gawd, girlfriend…this bitch doesn’t even want to know your life.

W does not stand for women. The true legacy of Scooter's administration for women will be one of constant attacks on women’s privacy/health/reproductive rights, a sick return to pseudo-Christian female submission, an economic debacle that has particularly hurt women of color and a freakish sorority of women standing behind male ineptitude rather than seizing power.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Oh shit...!

Brother Rob's pretend internet boyfriend just posted on Fantasia's latest venture.

Now a bitch is a bitch, so my ass is about to be bitchy as a motherfucker...

What the everloving fuck is Miss Thang doing? What the fuck? A bitch is having trouble wrapping my mind around Fantasia writing a book about, along with other issues, being illiterate...while illiterate. And why the fuck is Fantasia writing a book anyway?

Now listen, this bitch has compassion for those that can not read. My ass loves to read and a bitch can not imagine how a person survives without being able to read warning labels or naughty fiction or anything. Jesus, my ass would overdose on Sudafed if I couldn't read!

So don't get the wrong impression. My ass wouldn't have said a thing...if Miss Thang hadn't "written" a book. This bitch is just fascinated. Clearly the lack of reading skills, and my ass assumes writing skills, didn't prevent Fantasia from shitting out a book.

Anyway, whilst a bitch trips on this shit please enjoy one of the funniest dis/rants/critiques my ass has read in a long time...there are several posts, so be sure to READ ALL OF THEM!

A bitch is still laughing...

The Selection - A bitch's Dream...

A bitch slept like a rock and woke up ready to kick some ass…

2 cups coffee followed by Splenda with a dash of 1% organic milk, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

Let’s just jump right in shall we?

The Selection – A Bitch’s Dream...
Last night this bitch’s dreams were filled with drama.

Deep in the bowels of the West Wing a viciously drunk Scooter sat waiting in his bedtime cage. Tears of anger and rage trickled down his face as he alternated thumb sucking with taking long pulls from his bottle of moonshine.

Suddenly, the door opened and Karl Rove entered the room.

“Karl! Let me out! I think I have to use the little boy's room!” Scooter whined hysterically.

Rove, rolling his eyes and silently damning Scooter to hell, approached the cage.

“Jesus, you smell. When was the last time we bathed you? Fuck it. Come on and get your pee on, but don’t get comfortable. You’ve been a real shit and now that you are back on the sauce your ass is staying in the cage unless we need to fly you over another disaster area!”

Scooter, eyes bloodshot and mouth slack, eagerly watched the cage latch. Once it was released he made his move.

“What the fuck? Jesus, get back here you fucking worm!” Karl shouted and made a frantic grab for Scooter, who was out of the cage and to the door in a flash.

“Fuck you! Fuck you hard, motherfucker! I’m the fucking ruler of the free world, asshole! It’s time for me to rule!” Scooter slurred then shot out the door.

Moving quickly despite his inebriated state, Scooter gained access to the Oval Office and locked the door. His minions, seeing that their master had been released, gathered at the desk.

“Those fucking Republicans have turned their back on me. After all I’ve done for them! I gave them a war…shit, they love to kill people. I gave them anti-gay amendments and stuff like that. I refused to talk to that National Association of angry black folks. I’ve cut taxes for the rich and granted countless no-bid contracts. Hell, I’ve signed their budgets too! And what do I get? Huh? Not a Gawd damned thing but grief and backstabbing bullshit!” Scooter ranted.

“Now, these fuckers are distancing themselves from me when I need them most. They criticize the war, even though they wanted it and the government spending that came along with it. They bitch about levees and shit. They are pissed at the deficit, but I never saw a single one of them push back from the table and turn down a plate of pure pork! Assholes! All of them are fucking assholes!” he slurred.

Scooter took another swig of his moonshine and scowled.

“Master, you should punish them! You should make them pay.” A brave minion whispered from beneath his dark hooded cloak.

Slowly Scooter lifted his head. His glassy eyes narrowed and his thin lips curled.

“I know what to do. I’ll nominate one of you to the motherfucking Supreme Court! Yeah…you there. What the fuck is your name? Miers! Get your shriveled up ass over here! You are perfect for the job. You have never been a judge, you attended a bunch of pro-life fundraisers, you donated money to that tree hugging shit Gore and you are female. You are female, right?”

Miers moved forward and knelt at Scooter’s feet. “Yes Master! I am female. I serve at your will, Master!”

Scooter, seeing double at this point, placed his hand on one of Miers heads. “You wanna know what the best part is? Your resume lists one of your organizations as the Exodus Ministries! Half of those motherfuckers attended that ex-gay shit and the other half are going to get a fucking hard-on thinking that you are a true gay hating neo-con. I wish I could see their faces when they realize that it’s not the same fucking organization! Ex-cons, right? Whatever, it will piss them off.” Scooter paused for another swig of Jesus juice. “Democrats will hate you no matter what. But those turncoat asshole Republicans will really hate you. Yeah…payback is a bitch! How you like me now, motherfuckers!”

Miers sat on Scooter’s lap as the minions twirled and danced with glee!

Watching the scene on the monitor in the Situation Room (not to be confused with that unfortunate show CNN has foisted on Wolf Blitzer), Karl Rove rubbed his hands over his face.

“Jesus! I am too old for this shit!” he said softly.

“Should we pump in the gas, my darling?” Laura Bush asked rubbing her hand slowly across Rove’s back.

“No. Let him have this one moment. Our master plan is still in play, baby.” Turning away from the monitor Karl embraced Laura and kissed her passionately.

And a bitch shot up in bed! That was nasty as a motherfucker! This bitch snuggled once again beneath my blanket and sighed.

Drifting back to sleep my ass made a mental note to cut back on the CNN viewing…that shit may be essential, but it inspires some freaky assed dreams…