Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Pause...

Chil'ren,

A bitch has been in meetings all motherfucking day! All day, for real!

Good meetings...productive meetings...but meetings all bloody day!

Although a bitch has some serious thoughts on all manner of shit, my ass can't think clearly right now.

Lawd have mercy!

So, look for a refreshed bitch tomorrow...my ass needs to power down and recharge.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

A bitch heard Gospel music in my head this morning...

A bitch was thrilled to hear from Dixie that BarefootCajun is okay. My ass was worried! This bitch hopes all my fellow bloggers in Katrina's way or with loved ones in that heifer's way have heard good news.

Katrina is now doing her best to establish her place in history. A bitch was horrified by the images and stories of survival and death. In moments of great suffering a bitch thinks of my own family…how would my ass feel…what would this bitch do…why does shit like this have to happen?

It may surprise some of my readers that a bitch woke up with Gospel music in my head…

2 cups coffee with 1% organic milk, Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed, a frown and cigs…

After you’ve done all you can…you just stand…
A bitch grew up attending a traditional black Baptist church. Yeah, it’s shocking! An understanding of personal responsibility and compassion formed my morals, even though very few people in a bitch’s world demonstrated those traits. My childhood church was not obsessed with what others did, but chose to focus on what you would do. Church was a forum to explore that element of personal responsibility and to be infused with the positive encouragement to follow your convictions. That encouragement came from the music…Gospel music…deep soul wrenchingly beautiful songs that still help my ass cope and stay inspired.

Church has changed and a bitch no longer attends...unless it's a gathering of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks. Usually my ass has service in the cathedral of my mind...where a bitch is welcome and the music is the sermon.

Child you just stand!
A bitch still believes that all things happen for a reason. A bitch has faith. Whenever something happens my ass tries to see the challenge set before me. And then a bitch takes a stand. A song will simply enter my mind and the lyrics will say go on…move forward…stand. Sometimes a bitch will sing it out loud, but regardless it is there. It is my power not my burden. It provides the perspective not judgement. It feeds my hope and faith in the meaning behind so much pain, hate and oppression. A bitch wishes religion would act more like the music produced to honor it...or is it that musicians understand religion better than preachers...or better yet, could it be that musical preachers just get it?

May His peace be with you ‘till we meet again…
When my father died a bitch was devastated and shocked. There are no words to describe what a person goes through when they loose someone they love. As my sister and this bitch traveled to Chicago to bury my beloved father music filled my soul…not sad pitiful music…not dark mournful music. It was the music of life and it was exactly what this bitch needed.

Till we reach that distant shore...

When a bitch watched that casket lower into the ground…

And we study war no more…

When this bitch knew my ass could no longer endure my mother’s instability in my life…

May He give me strength to endure…

When my ass had to comfort a dear friend who was forced to present papers to enforce his presence in his husband’s hospital room after a stroke…

Till we meet again…

When my ass watched in horror as the world went to war…

We will meet again…

When nature reminds us that none of us are promised tomorrow…

A bitch believes in a higher power and that it speaks to us and guides us through this thing called life. The Devine One was singing Gospel music to a bitch this morning…and this bitch once again found comfort in a the face of devastation.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Sweden, San Fran and that bitch Katrina...

A bitch had one of those weekends! My ass was up at 5am Saturday so that my morning ritual of java and cigs could take place before my journey to Columbia. A bitch attended the PROMO Equality Summit and learned tons about what’s going on in Missouri’s LGBT community. Sometimes we St. Louisans forget that we’re not the only fucking city in this state. Who knew folks from Joplin had it going on?

Anyhoo, a bitch got her activism on and then headed back. This bitch extends thanks and adoration to my friend Barbara who drove to and from Columbia! My ass was exhausted and hungry by the time we returned to St. Louis. Needless to say, this bitch consumed a three-piece Original Recipe from KFC and several vodka crans then collapsed.

Sweden...the new "it" country!
A bitch is grateful to all for the encouragement my ass received regarding my efforts to learn Swedish. Sweden is the new “it” country, chil’ren! And think of the vodka…a bitch is with AbsolutBilly on the vodka tip – one must love any country that makes good vodka! Thanks for the links and info on Swedish language resources.

A bitch knows that Swedes speak English, but my bitchy intellectual ego simply will not allow me to play the silly American. My ass is planning a trip to Sweden by 2007 (remember, a bitch is broke) and this bitch will be able to curse fluently in Swedish by then! So sayeth the bitch...

Moving on, swiftly…

ABB's Fall Travel to San Fran...
A bitch will be traveling to beautiful San Francisco in September! A dear family friend lives there and a bitch's sister has advantage miles. Do they have In & Out Burgers in San Fran? Just curious. Travel details will be firmed up soon and a bitch hopes to meet some of my West Coast readers while there…

I can stand the rain, against my window...
This bitch was troubled by that evil heifer Katrina or Ekaterina or whatever that motherfucking hurricane is named! Why New Orleans?!? Why is that bitch of a storm targeting one of my favorite cities? Since a bitch was also agitated with worry about a certain Barefoot Cajun , my ass was unable to sleep and thus woke up…well…bitchy.

Full of bitchitude and in need of java, a bitch prepared 1 cup coffee with a dash of 1% organic milk followed by Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and several cigs…

ABB’s Letter to Scooter Regarding the Hurricane Factor…

Dearest Asshole,
You ignorant assed shit! My ass has tried to correct the minions that surround you because this bitch was certain that you were too dumb to fuck shit up without help. But a bitch is now wondering if the problem isn’t really you.

Once the hurricane hit Florida you should have fucking ended your vacation. What kind of fucking President takes a 5-week vacation in the middle of a war anyway? Heaven to Hell and back again, you don’t get a vacation when you don’t really work! Anyway, there you are falling off your bike daily and the motherfucking Gulf is being hit by the storm of the century!

If you are going to tell the country that you are conducting bitness in Crawford you should have the fucking ability to conduct a live press conference in the middle of a weather disaster! You dumb motherfucker! CNN had the creepiest fucked up audio coming from Crawford…made it seem like you were dialing in from Mars! Get you ass some technology…better yet; get your ass back to D.C.!

1/3 of the nations oil/gas is now either fucked or delayed due to Katrina. You’ve destabilized the Middle East and oil production in Iraq is still not at pre-war levels. Don’t you think now is the wrong time to piss Venezuela off? Your friend Paddy’s timing was really fucked…way to go, pissing off the President of an oil producing country 1 week before 1/3 of our oil supply goes on a hurricane hiatus. Asshole! Now, you can’t even take Hugo Chavez out…he just told Latin America that if he dies they should know that it was the United States that killed him. Now is not a time to send troops, motherfucker. This bitch recommends that you send a fucking doctor, because the only thing keeping Latin America off our ass is Hugo’s health. Jesus, what if he catches a cold?

A bitch wants some motherfucking work out of you Scooter. Contrary to popular opinion, a bitch is your boss. Just because my ass didn’t hire you doesn’t mean you don’t report to me. Even though a bitch is looking at ways to fire you, you are still on the clock. Perform, motherfucker! We’ve got a war, rising gas prices, social security, Medicare reform, a huge fucking hurricane and a Supreme Court confirmation to take care of.

You’ve fucked up our gas situation, produced no exit strategy for the unnecessary war, proposed no viable solution for social security's troubles, trashed Medicare and pissed off old people, and managed to have 50% of Louisiana’s National Guard in Iraq during the largest hurricane to hit the state since 1969. Are you proud? Think you accomplished a lot and need a break?

You make me sick and the thought of you getting 5 fucking weeks when the average American can’t afford to take a sick day makes me want to vomit!

You know what, never mind. Stay in Crawford. We’re probably safer that way…

Signed an AngryBlackBitch.

A bitch sends blessings and well wishes to my brothers and sisters in Katrina's path...may you look back at this storm healthy enough to bitch about it!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Brain fried, body tired...

A bitch is exhausted. My ass plans to go home and get some rest tonight. Tomorrow, a bitch will be heading to Columbia MO to attend the PROMO Equality Summit. This bitch plans to get her equality on…BIG TIME!

Brother Rob Thurman and this bitch are planning the next United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks gathering. We think the Greek Festival over Labor Day weekend would be a lovely setting for a tent revival…lamb, yummy sweets and drink. They’ve got the tent and the UCBLDD will bring the drama. Save the motherfucking date!

Brother Rob and a bitch are also meditating on all things Swedish. My favorite Angry Swede has inspired a bitch to learn more about Sweden and Brother Rob is also researching all things Swedish. Sweden would be the new “it” country, but the language is a challenge. A bitch plans to purchase Swedish for Dummies this weekend…

Toodles until Monday!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Invisible Bitch…

Chil’ren, a bitch must apologize for the delay! Bit-ness had to be taken care of this morning! All is done and my ass has some shit to say!

Last night a bitch settled down with a vodka cran to watch the PBS documentary on Ralph Ellison. My ass hasn’t cracked open Invisible Man since college, but a bitch was fascinated to learn more about the man behind the novel.

After watching the documentary a bitch sat and philosophically sipped my vodka with ice followed by cran and allowed the subject to settled in my mind.

How many of us are invisible? How many of us live on the margins of society? How many times have we walked by someone and never really registered that they were there?

Confessions of a Former Invisible Bitch…
A bitch grew up in very white St. Louis County. On the first day of kindergarten, my ass was shunned and called a nigger to my face. When a wee bitch shared this with my mother, she counseled me to pull my ass together (there were a lot of tears) and to learn to “live this life black”. This bitch interpreted that to mean that my ass should learn to live under the scorn of others. A bitch developed coping skills that included angry glares and a general ability to sit silent for hours in the back of the classroom.

As a wee bitch grew into a young adult my coping skills were perfected. By the time a bitch arrived at college my ass was an invisible bitch. Imagine a young black woman moving within society but never really being seen…that was ABB in college for the first semester.

Second semester a bitch came out as an AngryBlackBitch…silent curses became loud verbal rants and the mask of anger replaced the mask of indifference. ABB the black militant radical feministah was born.

But a bitch has a confession. My ass didn’t throw the mask away. A bitch entered the workplace and was immediately thrown back into the same world that confronted my ass the first day of kindergarten. To my shame, this bitch retrieved the mask. And so it continued for several years…a bitch in disguise and invisible in plain sight.

Until…

In 2000 a bitch discovered a lump in my belly. My ass freaked out because it was clearly not a gas bubble. Without telling anyone, this bitch hurried to Planned Parenthood to get the lowdown. The lump was in my lower abdomen and my ass wasn’t even sure it was a Planned Parenthood worthy thing but it was the weekend and this bitch would be damned if that shit was going to wait until Monday! The nurse was wonderful and it turned out that a bitch had fibroids, which are nasty fast growing non-cancer containing tumors that grow in a woman’s uterus.

A bitch was referred to a gynecologist and set up an appointment. The appointment changed my life forever.

My fibroids were of the worst-case nature. They were large and would have to be surgically removed. No laser and outpatient convenience for a bitch…these motherfuckers required the knife and staples and all manner of drama!

A bitch promptly named my tumor Enid and strategized with my surgeon on the best way to kill her.

Fast-forward to the day of the surgery. A bitch sat down with my sister to sign the hospital forms. It hit me that my ass was signing a form that acknowledged my possible death. A bitch was so stunned that my ass cruised through the pre-op in a daze. Dead, death, die…would a bitch die?

If a bitch died on the table how would my ass be remembered?

As the mask.

The surgery was a success and Enid was murdered with no complications. Once my ass ran through the fantasmic meds and my mind cleared a bitch resolved to come out as an AngryBlackBitch once more.

People might not like me, but they sure as fuck will know the real bitch that they don’t like.

November 18th is the anniversary of the death of Enid and the second coming of an AngryBlackBitch. My ass will celebrate it by keeping it real and being authentically me. My scar, which runs from my belly button on down to the valley of paradise, is a reminder to be real and never be invisible again.

Are you living life invisible?

If so, are you ready to be visible?

How do you want to be remembered...?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Liberal bitchitude from a liberal bitch...

A bitch is stressed! Too much to do and not enough time to fucking do it!

As a result, my ass is beyond bitchy! Bitchitude to the highest power, chil’ren!

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

If a bitch is a liberal…
To clarify, a bitch is a liberal and fucking proud of it! If you read my shit and like it, then you must understand that this bitch’s opinions reflect the opinions of lots of liberals. Attempts by the right to define liberal values remind a bitch of the assholes in high school trying to tell my black ass what qualifies as “acting black” and/or “acting white”.

If a bitch is black and fucking does it…it is black!

If a bitch is black and can fucking articulate an argument and pronounce shit correctly…then motherfucking black people can articulate an argument and pronounce shit correctly!

Building on that theory…

If a bitch is saying it, then a liberal is saying it. My ass ain’t ashamed to be black and intelligent and my ass ain’t ashamed to be liberal and rational…and you can bet your ass this bitch isn’t the only rational fucking liberal out there.

So what do liberals want? Great question, chil’ren! We want many of the same things our conservative neighbors want. The problem is in the details...

Liberals want chil’ren to be educated. It doesn’t matter if you like kids or not. It doesn’t matter if you fucking have chil’ren or not. Uneducated heathens are a menace to society…that’s a fact.

We want to take it back to basics. Heathens are not running wild and getting into trouble because they need more “religion” in the schools. Don’t let some non-religious politician who was educated just fine in a non-religious school use the issue of religion to distract you from the real problem! Heathens are running wild because we have removed “morals” from the schools. You remember morals, right? Those fucking basic societal rules that almost every religion can agree on? Stop beating the shit out of each other, respect differing opinions, respect other people’s property, wash your ass and brush your teeth! Toss in some reading, writing, math and science and leave it the fuck alone. Think of education as a pot-roast…you add the ingredients that will result in a really yummy meal then LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE AND LET IT COOK, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Liberals want affordable healthcare. For some of us, that means universal healthcare. Catch that knee before it jerks! A good rule to follow is that if your ass would like a fracture to be covered you can assume your fucking neighbor would too. We want universal healthcare because it’s cheaper…fact. It is cheaper to prevent a prolonged illness than to treat a prolonged illness…fucking fact. Stop listening to economists who get off revising spreadsheets! This is fucking easy to understand…when you go to the doctor with high blood pressure it costs $$ and when you go to the emergency room with a stroke it costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Toss in the fact that taxpayers are fronting the $$$$$$$$$$$$$, because they let some dumbass convince them that was better than fronting $$ and you’ve got the current state of healthcare in America. A bitch doesn’t give a flying shit about a fear of big government. This bitch fears the 150,000 uninsured working poor soon-to-be-ill-as-a-motherfucker Missourians more. My ass sincerely hopes that we all can agree that 150,000 soon-to-be-ill-as-a-motherfucker Missourians who are working and will not be able to work ill-as-a-motherfucker are something we should avoid having to confront at the Schnucks grocery on a Saturday afternoon retching up the plague.

Liberals do not sit around in a circle surrounding a lit black candles calling upon Satan to produce more abortions. Doesn’t happen. Sorry, ‘cause a bitch knows some folks like the imagery. We support “planned parenthood” as a philosophy…teach abstinence, protection, prevention and fucking basic anatomy…teach it all, for the love of Gawd! Safe, legal and rare does not mean safe, legal and often. Choice, for this bitch, starts before sex. But babies are not a person’s punishment for making a poor choice…babies are not punishment at all. My ass works with young mothers who love their chil’ren and my ass works with some who treat their chil’ren like that pair of shoes your ass wishes you never bought but can’t give away. Liberals just accept the fact…and it is a fact…that people have always, do now and will continue to fuck for pleasure. We also accept the fact that “planned parenthood” takes place in plenty of religious households…otherwise my ass wouldn’t see so many 2 chil’ren having, married at 22, now 45 Catholics smiling on their way to mass. So, let’s stop bullshitting about sex ed. leading to fucking, accept the fact that people fucked before sex ed. and they fucked after sex ed. and try to come up with some options and…dare a bitch say, choices to prevent disease and unwanted pregnancies.

A bitch could go on and on, but my point has been made.

A bitch is a liberal and a liberal is a bitch. No shame in my game. You dig...?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Volunteering in St. Louis

A bitch would like to post the following St. Louis volunteer opportunities. A certain JewishIguanaGirl requested more info. and this bitch is more than happy to provide some!

Keep in mind that there are literally multitudes of agencies and organizations in need of volunteers in every city. Getting started is easier than you think!

Food Outreach
(314) 652-3663
Food pantry and provider of meals to men, women and children living with HIV/AIDS. Check out the site and there is a list of volunteer opportunities! My ass has heard great things about the volunteer experience here.

Habitat for Humanity St. Louis
My kind of faith-based initiative! A bitch has participated in a build and it was an amazing experience! Check out the site for more information on volunteer needs and opportunities. Habitat is building strong communities through decent housing, chil’ren!

Haven of Grace
A shelter for homeless teen moms. They need babysitters to watch the chil’ren when the moms are in enrichment classes. They also have fundraising events that need support throughout the year. Check out the site for more information.

Herbert Hoover Boys and Girls Club
You name it and this club has it. They are in need of tutors in almost every subject, volunteers to coach sports and the facilitate many of the other activities offered at the club. Check out the site for more information. My ass has had some serious fun trying to act young up at the club.

Planned Parenthood – St. Louis
Education, contraception and medical care. Help them out when they need it. Check out the site for volunteer information.

Stray Rescue of St. Louis
A bitch’s sorta-beagle was adopted from the pound in Dallas. My sister’s three-legged Chow mix, Sweetie, was given a second chance at life through Stray Rescue. Stray Rescue picked Sweetie up on the North side after she had been shot in her front leg. They secured medical treatment, saved her life and provided her with a foster home. This no-kill rescue shelter is in need of foster homes, donations, dog-walkers, weekend foster homes and a ton of other things. Save a life and adopt from a shelter, not a puppy mill...and support Stray Rescue or Sweetie will have to correct your ass!

Feel free to shoot a bitch an e-mail if you have any questions about these organizations!

Making friends in Venezuela one death threat at a time...

A bitch had a peaceful evening at home last night. My ass sipped vodka crans while watching a special on A&E featuring Missouri and our glorious Meth problem. This bitch was fascinated to see the emerging war on Meth manifest itself in fucking Franklin County. Not only are we the #1 slackers in the country (guilty as charged) but we are also the epicenter of the Meth menace.

So proud…so very fucking proud…

Since this bitch rarely leaves the city and, when my ass does, rarely goes within shooting distance of Franklin County, watching the A&E special was almost like watching an episode of Cops in Los Angeles. It was so random and sad and so very foreign.

Following a mind cleansing viewing of the Daily Show, a bitch took to my lair on the 3rd floor to sleep…

My dream-based submissives (yes, a bitch now has two vying for my correction), Karl Rove and the Prince of Darkness were feisty and in desperate need of correction. Apparently, my brief vacation from beating the shit out of them made them think they were done with the rod of correction. Silly little shits…don’t they know that a bitch will be handing down discipline for years to come?

Honestly, my ass really does sleep better when ritualized correction is included in my dreams! Go figure.

Waking rested and only slightly congested, this bitch began the morning routine.

2 cups coffee with 1% organic milk (yum), tons of Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and a fresh pack of cigs…

Goddess spare me! My ass turned on the Today Show and…well…can a bitch just share with my chil’ren that Pat Robertson has lost his damned mind!

Matt Lauer kicked it off with “Why is Pat Robertson calling for the assassination of a world leader?”

What! What the fuck did he just say? A bitch can’t wait to see the TiVo rewind figures on that shit, because my ass sure as hell replayed it twice.

Paddy, we’re close but a bitch plans to add him to my submissive stable so we can be…well...closer, told his 700 Club viewers the following

To recap...President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela needs to be taken out. President Chavez has made Venezuela a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism. Oh, and it’d be cheaper to just take President Chavez out because “we don’t need another 200 Billion war.”

Oh shit…a bitch is getting all excited and flushed!

It’s hard to isolate what this bitch enjoys more about Paddy loosing his fucking mind.

Could it be that this call to assassinate President Chavez comes so quickly behind his prayer vigil asking Gawd to “create more vacancies on the Supreme Court”? Paddy’s starting to sound like the BTK killer in prep. mode!

Could it be that Paddy pointed out what is probably a fucking accurate dollar estimate for the cost of deposing Saddam, which Scooter could have done without the American public hearing right ‘bout now? Goodness, did his microchip malfunction? Fantabulous!

Or is it that Paddy seems to believe that Muslim extremists and communists are in partnership to launch a massive take-over of the United States…from fucking Venezuela! Oh…oh…my ass just cracked a rib laughing! That Paddy…he’s just so ccccrrrrrraaaaaazzzzy!

ABB's Rational take on Paddy's Verbalized Insanity...
A bitch knows that the logical conclusion to Paddy mapping out his plan to assassinate a foreign head of state is that he’s worried about President Chavez telling the United States to go fuck ourselves. Hugo (we’ve bonded, but a bitch is working on establishing trust) thinks we suck and he’s not sure he wants to sell us his oil. We think Hugo is bonkers and we don’t like our oil purchases tied to whether we’re "likable". If the United States holds to historical behavior, we should mount a faux militant resistance to Hugo’s socialist regime, sell arms to that resistance and provide training, support the new leadership once the faux overthrow is complete, establish a puppet president in a bullshit democracy, get nervous when our boy in Venezuela stops returning our phone calls, get livid when evidence appears that he’s using our fucking planes to transport cocaine into Tampa, freak the fuck out when he turns his guns on us and then invade the country we single handedly destabilized in an effort to encourage…well…stability!

It’s so predictable it probably already has odds listed in Vegas!

ABB's More Exciting Take on Paddy's Verbalized Insanity...

But a bitch plans to indulge in some deluded thinking. It’s more fun on a Tuesday to imagine that Paddy is an undercover serial killer who has been fooling the world into thinking he’s a religious leader, while spending his evenings roaming the streets searching for new victims! Shit...yeah...foaming at the mouth! Paddy may very well be the Undercover Evangelical Christian Church Leader Turned Fiend killer! Fucking fantabulous indeed!

Screw BTK!

This bitch is waiting for the American Justice episode on the capture of the UECCLTF killer...aka Paddy Robertson!

Monday, August 22, 2005

WWHSTD...?

Happy Monday, chil’ren!

A bitch went to Black Pride this Sunday and, despite the heat, had a wonderful time. Amazingly, this wee little blog was quite the topic of conversation due to a certain post my ass did back in the day. It’s believed that some gay Republican took said post and attempted to use it as proof that radical, very radical, militant, fringe and out of step CRAZY motherfuckers (see ABB) are saying mean and divisive shit about them. Someone posted it on gaystl.com and whew was that a good move for this bitch’s readership!

Thanks for the publicity, you politically challenged young things! No…really…THANKS!

A bitch would like to welcome all the new readers from gaystl.com. However, a quick review of the comments posted in the forum section raised an alarming issue that this bitch would like to clarify. ABB is not this Lulu character. ABB does not like this Lulu character…or should we say caricature…who is posting comments that read like a poorly done low budget 1920’s black-face review.

LuluLogCabina…honey?…that’s not how black people talk. That’s how white people trying to insult black people talk. Now, this bitch isn’t insulted…rather my ass is intrigued. Could you be the same politically confused piece of shit my ass built a new asshole for earlier in this blog? Ooooh, a bitch likes that conspiracy theory...fuck it if it's true or not! Love ya, you peevish little shit! Confused? Peevish means…oh never mind. Shit like this is what we get for narrowing the digital divide.

As a bitch considered the reposting of my rant my ass wasn’t quite sure how to react. On one hand they did expose my bitchy blog to a multitude of new readers. On the other hand, what on earth were gay Republicans doing reading a blog titled AngryBlackBitch? Fascinating, isn’t it? This bitch decided to consult with a higher power!

WWHSTD?
Our beloved Gonzo was shot into the evening sky over the weekend. A bitch wishes she could have been there to witness it! As my ass began to process the use of my post as an example of aggressive and divisive liberal behavior my ass simply had to consult with my spiritual advisor…the late and still great Hunter S. Thompson!

Note to Lulu…said with a whisper and very slowly…he was a writer, which means he wrote things…

Last night a bitch utilized vast amounts of vodka and cran followed by ice to summon HST. As always, HST came to a bitch in a dream…

A bitch and HST sat sipping cocktails and smoking…my ass a cig, HST…well…come on now. Anyway, we were soaking our feet in a Jacuzzi like thing. Behind us, strapped to the four points of correction, was Karl Rove. Needless to say, the atmosphere was calm and loving and full of mutual respect.

ABB, eyes closed and rod of correction laying to the side…”Gonzo, what do you thin my ass should do about the reposting of my shit on gaystl.com? It’s not as if my ass is upset. A bitch is simply curious. Should a bitch respond or attempt to jump into the dialogue? What would you do?”

HST, high on...well…come on now, eyes hidden behind sunglasses and gun, as always, at his side…”Bitch, fuck it! I lived by one simple rule. Say it, mean it and live it. Let them work that shit out. You said your piece, you fucking meant it and, honestly, you don’t give a fuck what some messed up wanna be Hitler Youth thinks about you. Wanna hit?”

Ahhh, Hunter…a bitch misses you already, you willful motherfucker!

Toodles!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Mercy, mercy me...

If you didn’t read blogs or progressive media sites you would be very confused by the news today. It would seem odd to you that all the major news outlets were covering the discovery of a woman’s body…a woman that you really wouldn’t have been aware was missing.

No longer a missing mother without coverage, LaToyia Figueroa is now a victim with coverage nationwide.

Murder is front-page news, but the desperate search mounted by her family, friends and community wasn’t worth 15 minutes of airtime.

A bitch is mad! Livid! Shout to the heavens angry!

Look at how eager NBC is to cover a murdered LaToyia.

Note how detailed ABC is as they relate the story for the first fucking time.

Read about the discovery of LaToyia’s murdered body on CNN…fuckers!

31 days of pain, agony, worry, frustration, terror and anguish.

31 days without coverage.

31 days without LaToyia.

LaToyia…may you be at peace, be with your creator and be with the child who was murdered within you…

Rest and be blessed.

This struggle called life is left to the living and we have much work to do…

Friday, August 19, 2005

This woman's work...

A bitch is annoyed. Since my ass strives to keep it very real at all times...

The Current Rules for Comments on a Bitch’s Blog
A bitch adores praise and encourages a lively debate. However, comments should relate to the topic of the post…or your ass will be corrected and a bitch don’t play. Kissing my ass then pimping your blog will not fly here...move on now...SCOOT!

Comments should not threaten anyone with hangings and such. This bitch is sensitive to references about the rope…violate and expect to be corrected by the sanctified delete option my ass has control of.

A bitch shall delete a comment if it reads like an advertisement. You will notice that some comments direct a bitch to another blog…that’s cool with me. But a bitch doesn’t need to buy any fans or auto parts or any such shit. This bitch is broke. Nuff said.

Moving on swiftly…

An Update on a Bitch’s Brother’s Job Situation
Thanks again for all the advice and information. A bitch has compiled a list of resources based on many of your comments. My ass is much more confident that my beloved brother shall find the ultimate autistic job placement shortly! Until then, Bill will be enjoying community activities. My ass will let y’all know as soon as Bill has a permanent placement…and a bitch will expect tons of blogger support for that business!

Anyhoo…

My ass is tired. This has been one long motherfucking week!

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Babies having babies...
As many of you know, this pro-choice bitch volunteers at several local women’s shelters. Many of the women are teen moms who have been thrown out of the house because their mother would loose her housing qualification if she had what the state defines as another family living in her home. Some have fled abuse or molestation. At one shelter, there are 10 moms and a waiting list of 200.

A bitch is often tempted to stay at home and watch American Justice on A&E. My ass is frustrated with all the babies having babies. But, as any community activist knows, once you jump into the fucking mud you have no delusions about whether it’s shallow or deep. Babies are having babies. Some are having them willfully, despite access to protection and sex education. Others are having them because that’s what girls do in their neighborhood at 14. Some have been raped and some don’t have any idea why they are having babies.

My ass is mad as hell about this shit. A bitch is pissed off that anyone would bring a child into the world without plans and hopes and love. A bitch is fucking pissed that so many of these young women have been molested and raped and have never been counseled. A bitch is mad as hell that bullshit religious protestors gather outside of Planned Parenthood instead of volunteering to teach a young mom how to balance a check book. And my ass is livid that churches in our community can spend Sunday after Sunday railing against gays and lesbians while not spending a second on family and parental responsibility.

This bitch volunteers every fucking week at shelters. Some of these moms are full of shit, don’t give a shit and don’t want my help. Some of them are so hurt by years of abuse that they aren’t ready to hear what a bitch has to say. And some of these moms blow a bitch away with their courage, tear at the ice covering my cold dark heart and inspire me.

When my ass hears about a “culture of life” this bitch actually gets excited. Maybe now there will be enough volunteers to read to each child at the shelter! Maybe now there will be enough pens and paper for the moms to take notes on basic budgeting! Maybe now we can support a full time rape counselor and sex education programs!

Yeah right…

It’s easy to blame "fucking" for the baby problem in the ‘hood. It’s easy to sit at the kitchen table and rant about condoms and the pill and freedom of choice. The hard part is getting off your ass and getting involved in some of these lives.

We can prevent unwanted pregnancy through education and access to birth control. There are options if you have unprotected sex and don’t want to get pregnant and there are options if you are pregnant and do not want to have a baby. The way my ass sees it, if the religious right wants to reduce abortions that is one goal and if they want to promote a culture of life that’s another…unless they value waltzing around the Planned Parenthood building on a random Tuesday more than supporting a young homeless mother.

Wanna take bets on who will be volunteering at the shelter next week?

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Take a stand...

A bitch would like to thank everyone who came out to AMP last night and joined in our vigil! Brother Rob Thurman should have pictures up soon.

Needless to say, this bitch is exhausted but encouraged!

2 cups java (with cinnamon), 2 Sudafed, 1 Claritin and 2 Excedrin…

The Today Show was boring beyond belief. My ass clicked over to CNN after Katie launched into a story about teens dying after playing some sort of choking game. A bitch knows that childhood is difficult, but my ass never considered choking a fun activity. Well, that’s not entirely true. A teen bitch did fantasize about choking several of my classmates, but my ass suspects that this game isn’t about revenge.

CNN was in their over the top Breaking News mode because of the Israeli withdrawal of settlers in Gaza. A bitch hopes that the withdrawal of the settlers and the Israeli troops that protect them will bring some peace to that region. Watching people being torn from their homes is heartbreaking and should be a motivator to both governments involved to not fuck this shit up!

It took my ass 15 minutes to decide that CNN was going to milk the footage of settlers being dragged out of their homes for hours. Sadistic fucks. While watching TiVoed episodes of The Daily Show my thoughts turned to politics and the challenges that face Americans in the next two years. As much as a bitch loves to blast the political right, we bitches on the left have some work to do. Since nothing pisses this bitch off more than a bunch of conservatives shouting about what liberals think, my ass would like to put my thoughts out into the atmosphere…

ABB's Liberaltudes...a work in progress

Healthcare
Stop being such complete shits…yeah, my ass means you! Fact – it costs more to treat catastrophic illnesses than to prevent them. Fact – mass illness is a huge threat to our country. Fact – we can afford it…let me repeat, WE CAN AFFORD IT! Everyone take a potty break and come back to the table and work it out. Lock the motherfucking doors and do not take any phone calls from the pharmaceutical industry or insurance. Create the plan that delivers healthcare to everyone and then make it happen. Set the goal and then achieve it. Fuckers.

Social Security
Accept the fact that Social Security was a brilliant idea. Catch your knee before it jerks and listen. When Social Security was created this nation was in a world of shit. Not to get into the particulars, but it was fucking brutal. Because the Great Depression was a national disaster and a threat to our democratic form of government the nation responded. Social Security is a good thing, but it is a wee bit ill. If Social Security were a horse it would have a strained knee. Scooter believes that we should put the horse down. This bitch believes that we spent some cash and energy on that fucking horse, that the horse is still a good horse and that we might want to treat the fucking sprain! To my fellow liberals…stop bitching about what Scooter has proposed, prepare a fucking proposal to fix the fucking sprain and take some motherfucking time to explain to people why the horse doesn’t need to die. Fucking do it!

The War
A bitch wishes my ass could just say end it, but we took a shit in the room and we need to either pick it up or make sure it gets picked up. First, we need to redefine our foreign policy. Be consistent, assholes! If we’re going to withdrawal aide to one country for its human rights abuses then we need to stop abusing human rights! And stop being friends with countries that openly do what you invaded Iraq for doing! It’s confusing and fucking hypocritical…and no one respects a fucking hypocrite! Next, we need to develop a uniform definition of success in Iraq and it cannot be the defeat of terrorism. What are we trying to achieve, how long will it take and why are we doing it…1, 2 and motherfucking 3! Then, follow through on 1, 2, and motherfucking 3. We have destabilized the region and we need to fucking resolve some shit, but the constant changing of our purpose reeks of Vietnam and we are about to hit the fucking draft wall fast and hard. Finally, learn from this fucking mistake…once more time with feeling, LEARN FROM THIS FUCKING MISTAKE!

Education
Public education needs to be uniform and fucking financed in a uniform way. Just do it! Fucking do it! This is tied into Social Security, assholes. A bitch has met several generation Y motherfuckers and they are disturbingly stupid. How the fuck are these idiots going to pay for my retirement? Education is not rocket science, for the love of all that’s holy! Tell the religious right to get serious about private school and fucking take it back to basics. Instead of debating “intelligent design” lets have a debate on why children can’t fucking spell “intelligent”! Fix it, remove the religious shit and tell the fucking zealots to take care of that shit at home and start educating these chil’ren so my black ass can retire!

The Environment
Stop fucking with it! Stop making compromises on no compromise shit! Stop apologizing for science! And fucking cease debating fucking facts! Get firm, get decisive and get moving. This black bitch wants to have drinking water in 15 years! Assholes!

Choice
Fuck! A bitch isn’t standing around praying that women get abortions. This bitch is praying that they get access to sexual education and fucking birth control! Who the fuck do these conservatives think they are? We need to educate women on their rights and on their options. We need to work with young women to build up self-esteem and respect while working with young men on the exact same shit. And we need to study some fucking history and remember America without choice. Stop listening to chants and looking at vile pictures. Turn to those clinic protestors and tell them that there is a shelter for homeless moms just waiting for their ass to volunteer. Tell them that mentor programs have a motherfucking waiting list for volunteers. Tell them that there are homes to build at Habitat for Humanity. Pro-Life? Then show it. Nuff said.

Equal Rights
We are liberals! Take a motherfucking stand on some shit! Tell newcomers that if they do not support equality for all then they need to take a right at the motherfucking light! Stop pandering to the undecided. How the fuck are they so unsure anyway? Be something, believe something and have no fear. Equal pay for equal work, equal access and protection for marriage rights, equal protection for employment…these are basics, baby! Look those freaks in the eye and tell them “My ass does not fear gay marriage and you’re a fucking freak for fearing it your damned self”! Look them in the eye and tell them “My ass doesn’t fear an empowered woman and you’re a fucking freak for fearing one”!

Stand up motherfuckers, because the battle has already begun and there are hearts and minds to be won…

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Dream a little dream...

Last night a bitch had a dream. Sometimes my ass dreams of beating the literal shit out of The Prince of Darkness or Rick Santorum or Karl Rove (love to hurt you, darlings), but not always. Every now and then, this bitch dreams about the dark underbelly of power. As my ass slumbers with a frown on my face (a bitch even sleeps angry), my mind sees meetings and evil at work…

ABB’s Account of Last Night’s Truth Seeing Dream…
The group gathered to discuss the current state of Scooter’s poll numbers. Scooter was trying his best to look serious, but all he could think about was the bike ride he had to postpone for this fucking bullshit.

“Karl, I just don’t understand why my fucking poll numbers matter! I’m a two termer! What the fuck can these…what are they called…voters do now?” he whined.

“Shut up an finish your tuna sandwich, you dumb ass. I told you never to question my authority. Not that you’d understand, but we have an agenda that I’m not done executing it. So, your poll numbers matter. Jesus to Gawd, I should have gone after your brother!” Karl snapped in frustration.

Scooter took to his corner and entered his cage as the others entered the room. Karl nodded at Rumsfeld and Rumsfeld kicked the meeting off with a quick recap of Scooter’s dwindling poll numbers.

“Scooter is below 50% in all the polls. Basically, we are fucked on our plan to cripple the masses and establish an American aristocracy. Now, I propose…”

Karl quickly cut him off by standing up and slapping him sharply across the face.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to think and not to propose? Sit down, shut up and fucking listen. His numbers are down because we slipped and allowed the people to see the inevitable failure of the war. We need to refocus. Guilt and fear are our most powerful weapons. We need to find a way to associate “protest” and “doubt” with being un-American and we also need to kick up some motherfucking fear about the children of the middle class being drafted.”

Rumsfeld, flanked by Scooter’s minions, leaned forward and allowed the drool to flow.

“I have proactively leaked several confusing stories to the press.” Karl continued. “These stories have created some serious confusion about troop withdrawals and our definition of success in this war. The people will fear a draft and support the war believing that it can be “won” and that, by winning it quickly, their children will not face a draft. However, we have failed to win hearts and minds! We must promote an image of happy troops willingly serving in this fucked up war!” Karl turns and pins the minions with an icy glare.

“Master, how do we do that? We have run out of ideas!” they say in a chorus of confusion.

“First, you should learn that I run this fucking show! I got us into the White House and I masterminded the second term victory." Karl pauses for impact. “I have contacted the idiots at the Today Show. They are sending Matt Lauer to Baghdad to meet with the troops. Lauer is the ultimate soft interviewer. He will be our guy in Baghdad!” Karl’s face shifts into a soft smile while the minions cheer!

My ass woke up and shuddered. Jesus!

2 cups of coffee with organic milk and multitudes of Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed (the real shit, damnit) and cigs…

Hands shaking and heart racing, I turned on the Today Show.

To my shock and horror, the Today Show was coming live from Baghdad! Matt Lauer was tossing lame assed questions to the troops! Lawd have mercy!

Lauer, looking drugged and hypnotized, to General Casey “Are you worried about the insurgency?”

Casey, looking like he was the one who hypnotized Lauer “Ultimately, the Iraqi’s will be the ones to defeat the insurgency.”

ABB, mouth open and eyes bugging out, screams at the television set “What the fuck? This bitch heard you shits say that we would win the war against the insurgency just a few weeks ago! Now, you tell us that the Iraqi National Army will win the war? Jesus, you’re not even trying to sound different than those fucks that masterminded Vietnam! For the love of all that’s holy, Lauer hit him with a question…something…anything!”

Lauer, with sparks coming out of his ears from malfunctioning “Are you worried about troop morale?”

General Casey, looking pleased that his hypnotizing skills were still sharp “Look at them. Just look at them, Matt. These young people are serving with pride and they just want the support of their fellow Americans!”

A bitch closed her eyes and sighed.

Who needs the Stars and Stripes when you've got NBC willing to bamboozle the masses at 7am on a fucking Wednesday?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Courage...

A bitch would like to thank everyone for the advice and well wishes regarding my brother’s job situation! My ass appreciates it…now stop being so fucking nice! A bitch has bitchitude to maintain!

A bitch would like to send out well wishes to Corretta Scott King, who has recently been hospitalized. Be blessed, for you are worthy…

Actually, a bitch has been thinking a lot about strong women and their acts of courage….

Viola Liuzzo was a Detroit housewife who was moved by the images of racial violence she witnessed on television. In 1965 the American South had erupted and activists were flooding in the assist local blacks as they tried to gain voting rights. When you think of Selma in 1965, your ass need only look at Iraq…terrorists able to strike at will and a people oppressed through that terrorizing violence. Confronted with these acts of horrific violence Viola Liuzzo went down to Selma on her own and got active in the struggle for voting rights.

Viola Liuzzo gave her life to that struggle. She was shot dead while driving with a fellow activist back to Selma. A white woman didn’t drive a black man through the back roads of Alabama. It just wasn’t done and Viola paid the ultimate price.

Her death would have been nothing more than a footnote in Civil Rights history, except for the fact that Viola Liuzzo was the only white woman killed. Her death and the response to it is a study in how the privileged respond when one of their own calls them out for their bullshit.

The FBI took part in an organized smear campaign, which attempted to paint Viola as a white woman interested in getting it on with black men. They systematically attacked her motives, character, marriage and tactics. My ass was staggered by the dedication and patience the FBI demonstrated while they tore this martyr apart for having the audacity to act on her conscience rather than her heritage.

The bitch is absolutely humbled by Viola Liuzzo and my history will always reflect that.

Fast-forward to 2005. We have another woman of courage and another attack on her character, motives, marriage and tactics. A bitch wasn’t surprised to hear on the news that some idiot with a metal chain and a pickup truck took out several of the crosses protestors lined up on the road.

Texas is building up quite a reputation for ignorant assed violent shits, their pick up trucks and what they decide to destroy with them. Hey, you even managed to take out a flag and the visual symbol of Christ’s death for your sins. Yeah…good times…

Yesterday, a reader sent this bitch an e-mail with all manner of shit on Cindy Sheehan. Clearly the reader was concerned that my ass was not informed on Cindy and her “background”. Honey, my ass is beyond informed. This bitch is a 32 year old black woman living in America…trust that I’m aware of what the man will do to tear down his detractors and destroy a person’s integrity. Don’t stop sending me shit, but you must understand that all I see is the same tired assed character assassination that was perpetrated against Viola Liuzzo and anyone who has the courage to call the man out on his bullshit.

Such is the cost of courage.

This bitch just drove to the grocery store with Brother Rob Thurman...a black woman being driven by a white man without fear.

That is the legacy of courage.

So I ask Cindy’s detractors…where is your courage?

This bitch suspects that it’s keeping your privilege company.

Monday, August 15, 2005

The wall? Yeah, a bitch just hit it...!

A bitch has hit that wall. You know what my ass is talking about, the evil wall of extreme exhaustion that slams into your ass just when you would normally be getting your second wind. All the worry and fretting about my brother’s job has worn my ass out!

Shit.

Nothing to do but read other people’s blogs!

How do you say bitch in Swedish?
A bitch was fascinated when my ass received a comment from PissedOffPencil. POP is…well, a pissed of Swede. My ass followed POP’s comment to see what all this pissedoffedness was about, but was thwarted by my inability to read Swedish! Since a bitch refuses to believe English is the only language of blogs, my ass spent several hours trying to translate Swedish into English…and let my ass tell you, that shit is no motherfucking joke! Swedish is very pretty to look at on the screen, but not a language this bitch is going to master anytime soon. Honestly, my ass bullshat my way through five years of Latin so that I wouldn’t have to take a verbal language test.

So, imagine my surprise when POP posted a comment today with a link to the English version of the very Swedish PissedOffPencil! Thank you POP, my favorite AngrySwede. Since my ass respects the diversity of language and culture, this bitch shall endeavor to learn several curse words in Swedish!

Keep on keepin it real, Sistah Maven!
NuggetMaven is always a good read, but her ass took it to another level today…a bitchified level that my ass truly appreciates. Go on with your bad self, Maven!

Boadwee Blog for the People!
Brother Boadwee’s Boadwee Blog is a favorite of this bitch. And my ass was thrilled to read this and see that Boadwee is channeling that inner bitch! Can I get an Amen?

And finally, a Canadian blog…
This bitch adores Canada. My ass hasn’t visited very much, but Tim Horton Doughnuts and Smarties are to die for!

Today my ass decided to see what my neighbors to the north were up to! Brother down in Toronto, you didn’t have to go there with the homemade Mac & Cheese! A bitch now has to have some…mayhap a trip to Delmonico’s is in order. Shit! My ass can’t cook Mac & Cheese for shit!

Somehow knowing that Canadians dream about the same yummy food stuff that my ass does is a comfort to me...

Toodles!

Vigilant, Shaken + Stirred

His Pontifical Greatness, Brother Rob Thurman, and this AngryBlackBitch are hosting a MoveOn vigil for Cindy Sheehan!

Gather with us at AMP on Manchester at 7:30pm this Wednesday August 17.

Hold please...

My brothers and sisters, a bitch is working through some serious shit.

A bitch’s brother is facing a layoff from his job. Bill, who is autistic, simply adores his job and my ass is freaked out that he may not have that in his life. So, a bitch’s post will be delayed while my ass tries to get a handle on the problem.

Advice is welcome. If any of y’all have a job in St. Louis for a 35-year-old autistic man with fast food clean-up experience and a great smile please let a bitch know…

Lawd have mercy!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Just another day shoveling shit...

Whew! Shit and Gawd damn, a bitch is stressed! Even my nighttime correction of The Prince of Darkness didn’t calm my spirit.

Why, you ask? What could possibly be so stressing to a bitch that an evening of dream-based sadomasochistic correction can’t turn my frown into a smile?

Well, chil’ren, last night a bitch experienced the ultimate in ghettoized fuckeduptedness. Last night this bitch volunteered at a local St. Louis women’s shelter for homeless teenaged moms. Several volunteers showed up to help baby-sit all the chil’ren so that their moms could sit through class uninterrupted. One of the volunteers parked her car behind the building. You should know that this shelter is located in North City (da hood), but we have never had any problems before…a fact that went straight down the motherfucking toilet last night. The volunteer who parked her car behind the building had her car stolen. I said…SHE HAD HER FUCKING CAR STOLEN WHILE BABY-SITTING A HOMELESS INFANT! Fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit and fucking shit! My assed is so pissed a bitch is about to break out in hives!

KKKKKKHHHAAAAANNNN! (blantant Trekesque breakdown scream)

I mean, shit. A bitch can’t catch a break. Uptight suburban financial advisors from Wildwood can’t even volunteer at a shelter servicing the community without being the victims of crime. Fuck it. Fuck it all the hell and heaven and back again!

Needless to say, a bitch woke up sour.

2 cups of java with 1% organic milk, 4 Excedrin (my ass hit the vodka cran hard as a motherfucker last night), 2 Claritin and cigs…lot of cigs…

A brief note on Cindy Sheehan…
A bitch appreciates the concern my readers have over this matter. All of the comments and e-mails are very helpful! My ass just wanted to make sure y’all understand a few simple things about this AngryBlackBitch’s perspective.

A bitch has a soft spot for the families of military servicemen and women. My ass comes from a military family (Grandfather, Father, uncles, cousins and so on). A bitch opposes the war and no comment or post is going to change that. But what little compassion my ass has left goes to those people whose lives have been forever altered by this combat. Cindy Sheehan’s son died in Iraq…don’t you ever forget that and don’t you ever presume to understand what that feels like. How she grieves, what she says, whom she confronts and why is her business. But her son died in Iraq. Let’s not lower ourselves by attacking her as the helpless pawn of masterful media men or some Hoosier with a liberal axe to grind. Honor and respect that she has made a sacrifice many of us have not. Disagree with her if you will, but you cheapen your arguement when you attack her on the basis of class or gender. And that’s all a bitch has to say on that topic…

On a much more fucked up note…
As most of you know a woman in Tennessee (damn, that state is a bitch to type) got her Bonnie and Clyde on and broke her huuuuuusband out of jail. In a hail of gunfire, Jennifer Hayette sprung her man George and they hit the road. Well…actually, they hailed a cab. Anyhoo, they were apprehended because they are dumbasses and are now cooling their passions in separate jail cells.

Jennifer is alleged to have killed an officer. George is alleged to have hypnotized Jennifer into breaking his ass out of jail.

Why this story pisses this bitch off…
Every once in a while, as story comes along that pissed this bitch off on multiple levels. The Hayette story is one of those rare occurrences…

As a feminist…
A bitch is disgusted with the way Jennifer Hayette is being portrayed in the media. She is a grown motherfucking woman with chil’ren. Stop acting like she was innocent to the ways of the world. This bitch saw her picture and that bitch had wisdom written in every groove on her face. Jennifer may be mental and she sure as fuck is stupid, but her ass was not the victim of a man’s magical mind control. For the record, women (and men) do dumb shit all the time and we do it of our own free will. Nothing pisses me off more than the “My huuuusband had me all spun around and I didn’t know right from wrong and I sure is sorry, officer” bullshit the media is assuming Jennifer is going to deliver in court. Shit, this bitch hopes she raises her head and claims this dumb shit because my ass can’t stand hearing a woman verbalize that some mystical man made her do anything.

As a woman of color…
My ass was fired up and screaming at the television this morning, because the Today Show had a black "journalist" delivering a story that reeked of the mandingo seduced me defense. What the fuck? Is NBC populated with sell out “Thank you, Massa” motherfuckers? Shame!

The Today Show delivered not one, not two, but three back to back interviews with Jennifer’s family and friends all expressing that George "made" her do it.

There was some new influence…

Some new dark force…

She never expressed this kind of violence until George.

George convinced her to sneak him food in his cell…it must be some sort of voodoo mind control.

What the fuck? So, George had a long…very long…long and extensive…long, extensive and violent criminal history. Jennifer still dug his ass, so what does that say about her? Shit, she met him in jail! It’s not like he hid his circumstance from her only to spring it on her at the last minute. My ass hates this shit. George had a criminal history…that’s a fact. Jennifer had a hidden criminal within…another fact.

A bitch believes in powers, but my ass also believes in self-determination. Jennifer Hayette chose her man, married him, apparently procured a gun and a get-away car, allegedly ambushed a prison transfer, allegedly shot and killed an officer, apparently hailed a fucking cab, booked a hotel room, purchased some beverages and flushed her life down the toilet.

A bitch acknowledges that this is an impressive resume of extreme stupidity, but the mystical lure of the black man’s sexual prowess ain’t to blame.

Some people are complete fucking idiots all on their own…

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Watts, revolution and revisionist bullshit...

It’s the 40th Anniversary of Watts, so a bitch is in full revolutionary mode. Add to that the fact that my ass watched a full hour of the Today Show and…well…shit is going to be kept real today…

Ain’t a damn thing changed but the date…
Watts exploded August 11, 1965. The Watts Rebellion, as this bitch prefers to call it, was kicked off by the attempted arrest of a black motorist for drunk driving. That was the match, but the kindling was years of sub-standard housing, redlining, abject poverty and harassment. 40 years later, the only change that this bitch sees is that The Man has become an equal opportunity oppressor. We have truly overcome, because now any minority group can expect to feel the boot of the system on their neck. The kindling is set, but a bitch wonders who will light the match?

Remember Watts as the rebellion of an angry people. On this 40th Anniversary my ass is pleased to see the revolutionary spirit alive in activists like Cindy Sheehan.

Keep on keeping on, sistah!

Why don’t you just shut your mouth…SHUT IT!
Bernard Goldberg, who is a complete and utter ass, has written another thinly veiled attack against liberals. This bitch shall not link to it, because my ass would have to take another bath. Suffice it to say Goldberg is insane and if you doubt me, fucking google him.

Bernie (not close, but a bitch used to beat him senseless in my dreams a few years ago) was on the Today Show mouthing off with his new book. Lauer, true to form, gave Bernie a complete pass on all of his bullshit. This bitch, disgustedly guzzling java and chain smoking through the entire interview, was struck by the general theme of the book.

The cultural elite are ruining America and delivering entertainment products that Middle America is offended by.

Hmmm. Let’s explore this shall we?

As most of you know, a bitch lives in St. Louis. Thank you for the applause! Anyhoo, St. Louis is the gateway to the American west and dead center in the middle of the country. Being a Missourian, this bitch is always fascinated by what neo-con elitists see as Middle America.

The right would like the coasts to believe that middle America is full of Gawd fearing, church going, hard working, salt of the Earth types. Their view of Missouri is based on the brief decade of conformity known as the 1950’s, which they have latched their cloven hooves onto and refuse to let go of. To them, everyone was happy then and the world was a better place.

To this bitch, the 1950’s are seen as a time of oppression for women and minorities. Black were under the boot of Jim Crow, women were popping valium just to get through the day, and gays were subject to arrest for daring to drink together in a bar. Yeah! Good times.

Just as their perception of the 1950’s is off, conservative’s perception of modern day Middle America is fucking wrong too.

Let’s take Missouri for example. Missouri is the leading meth producer in the country (we’re #1). Meth is ravaging rural areas and cities. So, no one can really put forth that small town Missouri is looking at St. Louis city’s meth problem as some sort of bizarre occurrence. In reality, small town Missouri is too busy dealing with the meth-head next door.

Missouri, like most of America, has a high divorce rate. Small town families are not reading about the divorce rate and thanking a merciful Gawd that they don’t live in St. Louis. Rather (say it with that affected New England accent that Katie uses), small town couples are too busy fucking up their own marriages to worry about who’s zooming who in St. Louis.

Desperate Housewives, CSI, Fear Factor and I Want to be a Hilton did just as well in small town Missouri as they did in St. Louis. Small towners are too busy jerking off to internet porn and TiVoing CSI to give a thought to what St. Louisans are watching.

Perception and reality are often skewed. This bitch thinks that Bernie (you little shit, my ass might have to chain you up again) needs to visit the middle before he publishes his next volume of neo-con revisionist propaganda.

Think Peyton Place not Mayberry, motherfucker…

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Some shit that pisses a bitch off...

After beating the living shit out of The Prince of Darkness, a bitch must confess that my new dream-based submissive is working out very well! He’s so resistant to correction! A bitch predicts that it may be months before he submits to my will and begins to bore me. With some regret, this bitch left The Prince of Darkness chained to the dungeon wall and woke up to begin my bitchy day…

Coffee (1% organic milk and Splenda) Claritin, cigs…oh no! A bitch is out of ephedrine-based decongestants! Lawd, what ever shall I do? A trip to the best pharmacy in the world is in order…

Yesterday, one of the lazy assed bitches my ass volunteers with through my black woman’s group sent this bitch an e-mail. Our group is scheduled to volunteer this weekend and a certain slack-mouthed heifer wanted to express concern over the possibility that she may break a sweat. After building her a new asshole in reply, a bitch began thinking of bougie bitches and their drama. Then my ass began to think about other shit that gets on my nerves. Sometimes, we get so caught up in global bullshit that we fail to make note of the bullshit we wade through in our communities…

Bougie Bitches and their drama…
Why the fuck are you driving a $60,000 automobile if you can’t afford the car note? Why are you looking at me like I’m supposed to be impressed with that shit? Fuck you and fuck your car while you’re at it!! Look at you, kneeling down on the fucking pavement so that you can dust off your rims. Lawdy, did a speck of dust get on my precious darling BMW? Perish the though…perish it! It’s a car, asshole! It doesn’t make you accomplished or special…it just made you broke!

When will you realize that this bitch just doesn’t give a shit? Look at me…do I look like a slave to fashion? A bitch is not impressed with your empty ass Prada bag! And you can’t even pronounce Louis Vuitton! Shit, my ass doesn’t really give a shit what you spend your money on…if it makes you happy, go for it! But stop flashing that shit in my face! It doesn’t really register as anything other than another bougie assed bitch trying to get a bitch to playa hate over something I simply do not covet. Show a bitch an Alexander McQueen fashion whip with diamond studs and my brown eyes might turn green…

When you sign up to volunteer outside in St. Louis in August your dumb ass should assume heat…mind numbing heat…humid and evil “God has forsaken me” heat…bitch! 60 years ago your ass would be well accustomed to summer labor, so check the snob reflex. Put on some grubby clothes (borrow if you have to, you fucking priss), pick up a hammer and help build a house for a member of our community who is trying to take a step forward. You sure as shit can bitch about the housing problem, so channel that energy into something. Just think of the calories you’ll burn and stop the bullshitting about the heat! This bitch knows that you are carrying so much debt that you are one firing away from needing some housing assistance your damn self!

Bitching without cause…
This bitch would like to put a stop to motherfuckers mouthing off without cause! A bitch watched the Today Show this morning and Al Roker was sent out on the street to conduct an impromptu citizenship test. When people are born here they are automatically citizens, but everyone else has to pass a test. This bitch has taken the test and it is pretty basic, but the average motherfucker doesn’t even know who the first President of the United States was or who served as President during the Civil War. So, when ignorant bigots start getting riled up about the new citizen populations in America this bitch gets confused. If we all had to pass the citizenship test this Friday how many of us would pass? Let’s try it shall we? Let’s have everyone gather at Busch Stadium and take the test…those who pass get to stay and those that don’t have their rights suspended until they do. This bitch is pretty sure that the new citizens would kick the ass of the “native born”. Unless you are Native American, your ass or the asses of your ancestors immigrated here. This bitch’s people were forced on the boat, but on the boat they were tossed and the boat came to Virginia. Slavery is not an excuse for failing the citizenship test. If anything, the Civil Rights movement and the Suffrage movement should be motivators to fucking pass the hell out of that test! Either way, people need to stop bitching about immigrants…they have got to be better than the assholes we’ve got living here now…

Presidential polls…
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! A bitch told you "W is for winning" fuckers that Scooter was a dumb ass! You were told! So why are you so surprised that he’s gone and fucked everything up? What do you expect him to do? Do you really think Scooter is going to wake up tomorrow at the Ranch, turn to Laura and say “Jesus, I’ve got it all wrong! What the fuck have I been thinking?” No, motherfuckers! This is the fucker y’all were so protective of and so bloody proud of. And, Gawd help us all, he’s doing what he fucking told you shits he’d do if re-elected. A bitch wants y’all to meditate on this, take fucking notes, give to the Devine One in prayer and promise to never do it again! He sucked before, he sucks now and he will only continue to suck. Best of all, Scooter’s lame duck ass doesn’t have to respond to your polls…he can just go on sucking and fucking and blowing shit up. So, thank you for waiting until after the election to evaluate the policies of Scooter. Way to go, motherfuckers!

Whew.

My ass doesn't give a damn if that was good for you, 'cause it was fantabulous for me...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Independence...

A bitch is feeling a wee bit under the weather. My ass is fighting something and it had best not be Ebola…a.k.a. the flu.

2 cups of coffee, double splash of Horizon Organic 1% milk (yum to the second power) followed by Splenda, 2 pseudo-Sudafed, 2 Excedrin and a Claritin…

Let’s jump right into it, shall we?

The death of an independent…

On Wednesday August 24 1955 Emmett Till went into a country store in Money Mississippi to buy some candy. On August 28 Emmett Till was kidnapped, beaten and shot for an alleged affront to a white woman in that store. Emmett Till was 14 years old. His body was weighted down and thrown into the Tallahatchie River. After a search, his body was dragged from the river, bloated and distorted from the brutal beating and exposure to the elements.

In Chicago Mamie Till, Emmett’s mother, was told that her son was murdered. With a bravery that still staggers this bitch, Mamie greeted her child’s coffin in Chicago. Emmett was taken to AA Rayner & Son’s funeral home in Chicago, where the casket was opened and his mother was confronted by the sight of Emmett’s ravaged body. In an act of courageous defiance, Mamie demanded that Emmett’s casket be open for the viewing and the funeral. Pictures were taken. She wanted to world to see what black people faced in 1950’s Mississippi. Mamie wanted to world to see what had been done to her 14 year old son.

John Johnson, the publisher of Jet and Ebony, made it possible for Mamie Till’s act of courage to impact the world. John Johnson’s Jet Magazine published pictures of Emmett before and after Mississippi, and the world was confronted with the harsh reality behind the rumors of torture and oppression in Mississippi.

John Johnson embraced his blessed reward yesterday, when he died at the age of 87. Johnson took a $500 loan (he used his mother’s furniture for collateral) and turned it into a publishing empire. But we need to remember that John Johnson was so much more than a publishing mogul.

John Johnson was the independent press.

Through Jet and Ebony, blacks were given reality rather than stereotypes. Yeah, he tossed in some bullshit, but there was also some cold hard reality. John Johnson should be remembered as the man who gave black people a voice and surprised us with the depth and variety of our culture. John Johnson should be remembered as a publisher who answered to no one, who didn’t have to get “approval” before running the Emmett Till story and who was able to report reality instead of fiction because he was an independent.

So, while we acknowledge the passing of a legend do we not also mourn the death of the independent black press? So many publications closed down. So many others gobbled up by The Man.

Who will be our independent voice? Who will write the stories no one wants written? Who will cover the events those in power want to deny? Who will publish the photos no one wants seen?

Never doubt the power of the independent press. Don’t let some bullshit artist convince you that there is no need for an independent voice! Remember John Johnson, Jet and Emmett Till.

We are talking about one picture, in one article, in one publication. That, more than his millions and his historic listing on the Forbes big-bank-Hank club, is the legacy of John Johnson.

This AngryBlackBitch intends to write until my black ass can’t write anymore…in memory of those who had no voice…loud, independent, defiant, feminist, and militant as a motherfucker!

Where has the independent press gone?

On…

Fucking…

Line…

Monday, August 08, 2005

Happy Monday, chil’rens...!

A bitch’s sister’s bitchday…err, birthday…was Sunday! C-Money, who shall always be older than this bitch, was treated to breakfast (cheesy eggs, fried potatoes and bacon) and dinner (beast, broccoli and chocolate cake)!

Oh, and of course several vodka crans (2 cubes ice, copious amounts of vodka followed by cran)!

Happy birthday C-Money…you are and forevah will be the shit!

ABB’s Fan Community Update…
A bitch took her chil’ren’s pleas to the fan community over at LiveJournal. The fan community will be open to new members, but you must be or become a LiveJournal user (you can join for free) and it is a moderated membership. A bitch will do a separate post with details once a certain live journal fan instructs my ass on how this shit works!

On a much lighter note...
This bitch ended my boycott of the Today Show this morning. My ass feels strongly that they need monitoring…oh, and they are so generous with material for this bitch's blog. After a touching tribute to the late and great Peter Jennings, Katie reverted to shrillish form…

Give me an A! Give me a B! And another B! What's that spell? ABB! Yeah!!!!!

Katie was a cheerleader, so it came as no surprise that she latched her cloven hooves onto the Cheerleaders Help Capture Hit and Run Driver story out of Michigan. What was surprising was how very lame and uninspiring the cheerleaders where. Wake the fuck up and give me some fucking spirit, bitches! The head cheerbitch had all the energy of a long time glue sniffer. Is a bitch asking too much? The entire exchange finally came to an end with the pride of Lincoln High chanting a hit and run suspect's fucking plate number on national television!

Katie, extra nasal and suspiciously full lipped…"See, cheerleading does come in handy! Thanks girls!”

Seriously, my ass is not making this shit up. Lawd, give a bitch strength…

You’ve got to be joking…!
Y’all remember that Michael Jackson trial? You know the one. It seems that two of the jurors, who are writing books and closing movie deals, are now expressing regret for the not guilty verdict they gave Michael. A bitch has composed the following brief note to them…

Dear Michael Jackson Jurors,
Fuck you! Fuck you to heaven and hell and back to earth again! This bitch thinks you are the very definition of slime! Yes, my ass means you.

You are slime because you are trying to profit from what you willingly express was most likely the violation and sexual exploitation of a child. Basically, you are the literary equivalent of the web site operator who distributes child porn. You sick, money hungry, evil assed shits!

You are slime because you are now expressing reservations about a verdict you had the power to influence. Did a fellow juror assault you? Were you threatened? Show us your bruises. The beauty of being a juror is the power of one…or did the judge not instruct you properly? See, if you had held out it would have been a hung jury and they may have tried Michael again. If you really felt he was guilty, that’s what you should have done. Now, he can never face these charges again! Yeah! Way to go! Fuckers.

Finally, you are slime because you have the audacity to show your money hungry profiting from molestation asses on television. Shame on you for failing to fulfill your duties as jurors! Shame on you for seeking to profit from the alleged violation of children! And shame on you for being shameless.

Fuckers!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Assume the position...!

A bitch is not feeling very well today. It appears to be a cross between Ebola and allergies. Suffice it to say, this bitch feels like shit!

The only reason my ass doesn’t feel like total and complete shit is…well...the Novak incident.

Joy, bliss, extreme schadenfreude and the introduction of ABB’s new dream-based submissive!
My eyes have seen the glory of the Prince of Darkness imploding on CNN! Not only did the POD cuss on live television (not a huge failure, since no one watches Inside Politics…and he only said bullshit), not only did he storm off the set like a spoiled schoolboy (honey, you can’t let the Ragin’ Cajun get to you like that) but the whole fight was over none other than…Katherine “damn, that baby’s ugly” Harris!

Say it together now…fantabulous!

Chil’ren, my ass was riding a wave of extreme shadenfreude!

Obviously, a bitch chose the POD to answer to the rod of correction in my dreams last night!

ABB…wet black leather, 4-inch heels with steel points and my wicked bamboo rod of political correction.

POD…bare-assed naked and prostrate at my feet.

“Who’s been a bad, bad boy?” I ask, cutting the rod through the air.

“Me, Mistress! I’ve been naughty! I leaked the name of a covert operative as revenge for that bastard Wilson telling the truth and I used filthy language on live television.” Novak the POD confesses in a harsh whisper.

“Oh, that’s just the recent shit. You are such an asshole! My ass isn’t even sure if you are worthy of correction, you pathetic has-been sell-out Opus Dei little shit!” I ponder, slapping the rod into the palm of my hand.

“No Mistress! No, I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy, but please bless me with correction so that I may change my wicked ways!” Novak the POD shudders and silently prays that his dream-based Mistress does not spare him the rod.

“Fine. 20 lashes. Assume the position.”

This bitch woke up with a smile on my face…but damn those heels make a bitch’s ankle hurt.

What a wonderful way to start the day…riding a wave of shadenfreudal S&M!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Fucked up and the Ugly...

A bitch had a peaceful evening at home last night. My ass watched The Revolutionary War on Discovery. That was some war, chil’ren! Fantabulous drama and the underdog wins! It always amazes me that our founding fathers were able to mount a successful insurgency without the right to bare arms or the ability to bitch about the King under the threat of hanging. Hmmm. What was Scooter saying about building democracies? Anyhoo, a bitch was in historical bliss (which included several vodka crans…2 cubes ice then vodka followed by cran…and a new pack of cigs).

After a restful sleep (a bitch gave Ann Coulter the night off), my ass woke up early and made eggs. That’s right chil’ren! A bitch made cheesy eggs and toast on a Thursday morning…and it was good!

Over my second cup of coffee my ass noticed an interesting news blip on the CNN crawl. A bitch is still boycotting the Today Show, but I plan to resume viewing tomorrow…those fuckers need to be monitored and this bitch is the woman to do it! The CNN crawl that caught my attention was some shit about Katherine Harris (that nasty looking stank bitch who gave Scooter his job). It appears that Katherine of the frightful makeup Katherine’s is making news yet again

ABB’s Op Ed on the repositioning of Katherine Harris’ Face
Katherine Harris is alleging that several newspapers doctored pictures of her to make her makeup appear more hideous. A bitch was actually hoping that digital tampering was responsible for that woman’s face, but the truth is much more frightening.

Katherine Harris really is that heinous looking! A bitch understands that Katherine is trying to spin her ugliness as the part of a liberal media plot, but my ass saw her on television for weeks…she’s really that fucked up in the face! This public relations tactic simply will not work and Katherine need only examine the Linda Tripp case to know that.

Linda Tripp of the backstabbing illegal taping Tripp’s also tried to spin that the evil liberal media was making her…well…look like a walrus in heat. But the truth of the matter was that Linda really was that to’ up. Live media interviews on CNN don’t lie! Confronted with the evidence of her let-it-all-go-to-hell-20-years-ago-edness, Linda attempted plastic surgery…a bitch still thinks she looks like a freak, but a least she looks like a human freak now. The point is that the media didn’t doctor a damn thing with Linda and they didn’t doctor Katherine’s ugly ass either!

Katherine Harris is engaging in the time honored conservative tactic of looking the world in the fucking eye and saying “I know what you think you saw, but you didn’t see what you know you were looking at.” Hurts the brain, doesn’t it? Just review two examples of this clever tactic that conservatives have pulled in the past…

Conservative said they’d never trade arms for hostages, then did it, then turned around and said they never said that they wouldn’t do it and managed to spin the majority of the American public into thanking them for trading arms for hostages and then lying about it.

Conservatives said they never pre-planned the war in Iraq, then said we needed to invade to find weapons, which they didn’t even have the decency to plant in Basra, after which they then changed the purpose of the war to reflect the original purpose as shown in pre-war documents…which was to democratize the region…which they still claim they never pre-planned to do.

A bitch has seen this shit before. There’s always some neo-con on television trying to tell my ass that I didn’t see what I fucking know I saw or that I didn’t hear what my black ass knows I heard!

It stops now!

Katherine Harris was tore up, is tore up and will remain forevah tore the fuck up!

‘Nuff said!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Topicals...

A bitch is still riding a wave of extreme vanity over my fan club! My ass confirmed that it is a private club and this bitch finds the “invitation only” element even more ego inflating!

Last night was a wee bit hectic. My ass rushed home to feed the hounds and then headed to Clayton for what I sincerely hope is the last tired assed black woman’s group meeting this bitch will ever have to attend.

Needless to say a bitch needed a cocktail. Between the drive through Clayton and the 5-minute discussion of black hair care with a woman with a tore up dried out relaxer (moisturize, or the love of all that is holy), this bitch seriously considered vodka without the cran or ice!

Sound judgment and a genuine love of cran won out.

2 cubes ice following by vodka and finished with cran…

Television is beyond lousy. A bitch can’t stomach reality television unless it involves murder and Bill Kurtis (Bill…call me). Last night a bitch settled on CNN, which is close to Fear Factor but not quite as bad.

Covering all the angles, my black ass…
CNN had a brief news blip on the crawl about the power washing of Mount Rushmore. It appears that America’s founding fathers and their homeboy Teddy Roosevelt were filthy! So, they got power washed at the taxpayer’s expense.

A bitch is in solidarity with my Native American brothers and sisters over the issue of the Black Hills. I simply do not accept the notion that the oppression of others is anything other than the oppression of us all.

AIM did a pretty good job of educating Americans on the bullshit going down in the Black Hills. So, a bitch was pissed off to see the power washing of Mount Rushmore featured without a discussion or even a mention of its disputed status.

Chil’ren, this is how The Man works…covet, plan, isolate, justify, oppress then seize. This bitch just wanted to “cover all the angles” and remind would be tourists that the fight to end colonial oppression ain’t over by a long shot!

Native American civil rights are a nuclear topic. This bitch remembers many a Junior High debate in which my classmates made the “what are we supposed to do, give it all back” argument. Too often, the guilt of those who benefit from oppression gets in the way of any real discussion of oppression. Even though my ancestors didn’t exactly ask to be participants in the whole westward expansion of America, a bitch feels a sense of responsibility towards those cultures American colonial growth trampled on.

When covering Mount Rushmore a reporter should cover the Black Hills. A reporter should mention the Sioux Nations. A reporter should discuss the history of the region and the varying opinions of the “monument” that was carved into sacred ground. Then, just for kicks, the fucking reported may want to mention that some taxpayers may find the cleaning of the “monument” offensive.

Just a though…since we want to cover all the angles…

And they say the labor movement is in trouble…
A bitch was amused to see the fall of a certain baseball player. Come on, y’all knew his ass was juiced! A bitch just can’t get over the multitude of ways that this cheating piece of trash has fucked himself!

The cheater lied under oath during congressional testimony and the stupid shit was outed as a steroid fiend less than a month after joining the 3000 hits club!

Fantabulous!

This bitch hasn’t been a fan of the game for quite some time. As my ass has said before…these fuckers have turned baseball into a bat wielding version of world wrestling federation. Booooring! Really, how many 37 to 17 run games of baseball can people endure before they say fuck it and go watch nude mud wrestling?

Either way, this scandal is fun and a good public relations score for the labor movement. A bitch was impressed with the player’s union and their ability to argue against a suspension. These organizers are on top of their shit! His ass should be in jail and they were able to negotiate a 10 game suspension…and they fucking challenged that as too harsh!

What do we want? Union! When do we want it? Now!

A bitch may need to steal those baseball organizers and form the United International Sisterhood of Angry Black Bitches…

Monday, August 01, 2005

A bitch has arrived...

A bitch has spent the last hour being a good Missourian, and what should my bitchy brown eyes behold on the screen before me?

A certain LiveJournal fan by the name of Ayodele (honey, a bitch didn't link to you because my ass wasn't sure if that was Kosher...shoot a bitch an e-mail and let me know) has established an AngryBlackBitch fan community!

That’s right chil’ren!

Drum roll please...

It's called Vodka Cran!

Fantabulous!

Fuck it all, a bitch adores you...

Making friends at the United Nations...

This black bitch had a fucking fantabulous weekend!

Friday…drinks with a dear friend at Grandma’s.
Vodka, cran and spiritual connectedness through conversation!

Saturday…baking (a bitch had to prepare a Red Velvet cake with cream cheese icing for the evenings festivities) then soul food at my play-cousin’s crib!
Red beans & rice, collards, corn bread, spicy chicken followed by blood red cake. Add to the mix several goblets of Grape Kool-Aid and vodka and a bitch as blissed! The evening concluded with some additional bonding at Grandma’s.

Whew!

Sunday...As if a bitch hadn’t had enough socialization, I took my sister to see the Sugarwater Festival at the UMB Bank Pavilion last night! Slap me and call me satisfied! Jill Scott was magnificato! Voice like a fucking Queen! Speaking of Queens, Latifah/Dana was divine. Erykah…a bitch adores your ass! After sitting in traffic for too long then hiking up to the hinterland that is the UMB Bank Pavilion, this bitch has declared that it will take another festival of this caliber to get my black ass anywhere near that venue again. Jesus! And a bitch’s allergies are on crack now, too! Shit. It was worth it! I give it 4 out of 4 bitchslaps!

Needless to say a bitch is exhausted and, therefore, incapable of bullshit.

A key player in my screenplay, All the President’s Minions, has just gotten paid off. As Dickie C. would say…Big Time! This bitch is neither surprised nor all that agitated. My ass is actually pleased that Scooter has appointed someone so abrasive that none of his off the wall crazy assed based completely on lies and built on a foundation of donkey crap plans will reach fruition. Trust me, Bolton is not a closer.

A bitch would like to examine Bolton of the Red Faced Stalker of Employees Boltons. Now, my ass does not have anything against red faced public servants. For all we know, Bolton of the Anger Management Deficient Boltons could have that skin thing that makes one’s face red.

What am I saying?

Fuck that! Bolton looks like he is one bad call away from blowing the ref. away with an Uzi at his son’s little league game! This dude is fucking crazy! Look at him! A bitch feels sorry for the poor country sitting next to his ass at the round table of unitedtude.

Really, this recess appointment is a tragedy of monumental proportions! To appoint someone so evil and nasty and over the top psycho that he will most likely not be able to accomplish anything at the United Nations now is just cruel! Where was this fiend during the pre-war negotiations?

Just imagine our world if Bolton of the BTKesque Bolton’s had been at the United Nations in 2002…

Bolton, the very image of Richard the III and spewing venom “I don’t give a rats ass if you dispute the evidence or not! Give me my war or the wrath of John shall be upon you. Remember, I kill puppies to kick off my day!”

Kofi (close, but a bitch is a wee bit bitter that my ass missed out on the whole Oil for Food corruption payoff…could have funded my cult…err…church!), looking stunned and speaking softly “It would seem that you have a bit of a God complex. We are not in a position to…oh my Gawd…get him off of me…Jesus! Security! Security! Oh…oh, the pain...make him stop! Please, make him stop!”

Bolton, his huge hands circling Kofi’s thin neck, ends the discussion.

“God complex?” he asks, licking the blood from his fingers. “I don’t think I’m God…I am God!”

The room evacuates as Bolton of the Puppy Killing BTKesque Bolton’s fiendish laughter fills the room.

MmmmHmmm.

Either way, this power move is proof that we need some serious education reform in this country! A bitch is serious! This is what happens when your President gets diplomacy and tyranny confused…