Friday, July 29, 2005

All the President's Minions...

A bitch had a fantastic sleep last night! My dream consisted of a round of punishment for Rickie Santorum (you naughty, bitter little shit) and an equal portion of correction for Ann Coulter (you faux Aryan neo-fascist ho)! In my dream I was frightfully thin, sitting on an ornate throne and eating the best fucking Philly cheese steak sandwich in the history of all cheese steaks (extra peppers, hold the sauce). After beating Ann (just a dream, oh curious blog reader with the federal domain name), a bitch consumed an entire gooey butter cake!

Damn, the random things one encounters while awake really do influence your dreams!

Needless to say, a bitch woke up hungry as hell!

My ass settled down with my usual coffee, Claritin, medi-phedrine and cigs. Out of habit, a bitch switched on the Today Show, but quickly punched in CNN because those fucks at the Today Show are a bunch of programming bigots who refuse to cover Latoyia Figueroa. Even though this is a story right up their alley…if she were rich and white and missing on a fucking island after a night of drinking. Fuck them, their producer (bigot) and the entire NBC News team!

Not that a bitch is bitter.

CNN it is! Miles O’Brian is a doll. A bitch adores him, but my ass is concerned with the change in Soledad now that she is sitting next to Miles. My ass watched in horror as Soledad latched on to a curious angle of the Breaking News out of London. It seems that Soledad really wanted clarification on the jumpsuits worn by the police conducting the raid. And my ass means really want to know. She had a slight live meltdown and proceeded to drill the poor soul providing terrorism analysis for 5 minutes.

“But what about the jump suits?” and “I’m still curious about the jumpsuits!”

Enough. Let it go, for the love of all that is holy!

A bitch’s TiVo finger itched to switch channels but resisted the temptation.

Miles took over, thanks be to the Devine One, and the news moved forward.

A bitch is fascinated by one story in particular this morning. It seems that Mr. Bolton of the evil assed screaming like a fiend while running you down in the hallway of a Russian hotel yet nominated as ambassador to the U. N. Boltons, is connected to the web of lies surrounding the CIA leak investigation. Chil’ren, this shit is starting to heat up!

Bolton of the freakishly angry Boltons lied on his Senate questionnaire about whether he had been interviewed in connection with an investigation in the last 5 years. Fantabulous! A bitch is all but certain that Scooter is going to toss the red faced Bolton a recess appointment, but this added cover-up angle is just juicy!

Please, please, please let there be a secret taping system! PLEASE!

ABB’s CIA Leak Plot Hypothetical Breakdown
Wilson goes to Africa at the behest of the Executive Branch and returns with clarification that Niger has no glowing material. Scooter’s minions are not pleased and boldly discount Wilson’s evidence, writing the State of the Union speech with source material that they pulled out of their ass. Wilson sees the State of the Union speech, picks up the phone and attempts to alert the minions to their error.

The minions tell Wilson to go fuck himself!

Wilson, pissed off beyond belief, writes a blazing editorial calling out the minions and their bullshit story about Niger. Scooter, confused, asks minions “What up, dudes?” The W-Minion squad soothes Scooter, give him his medication and put him down for a nap. Minions, with Karl (bitch, you are due some punishment, you naughty submissive) and Scooter #2 (unfortunate that his nickname is Scooter, but what can a bitch do) decide to practice a little correction of their own on Wilson. The W-Minions, Karl (bad, bad boy) and Scooter #2 (shadowy shit) call in Bolton of the anger management deficient Boltons for background.

Meeting in a dark parking garage outside of Washington, they gather in Scull & Bones frocks…

W-Minions, in hushed tones “What ever are we to do? They are fucking up our case for War! We want our war! We need this war!”

Karl, slapping the W-Minions sharply about the face “Pull your asses together! Now is the time for leadership! You’ll get your war, you little shits. Scooter #2, tell them the deal.”

Scooter #2, looking the very image of Satan “Go after his wife! Bolton tells me his wife is connected, so she won’t be able to refute anything we say. Spin it that Wilson is disgruntled and his feminist wife sent him off to Niger to sabotage Scooter’s war. She’ll take the fall and Wilson will be reminded that we can have him and his wife erased at anytime. Go after his wife!”

Bolton, excited by the thought of tearing a woman down and seeing her suffer “Yes! Yes!” he hisses.

Scooter #2, taking out his Blackberry “I know just the Satanic freak for the job.”

Karl, Bolton and the W-Minions in unison “Who?!?”

Scooter #2, looking up and pausing for impact “Why the freak who signed his name in the Master’s book 40 years ago…Novak!”

And their fiendish laughter sang out through the parking garage.

Somewhere in Virginia (just guessing), Wilson shuddered and hugged his wife closer.

“Honey, the devil is up to no good tonight…”

Fuck it all; this will make a fantastic movie!

All the President’s Minions, by ABB…

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Meet me in St. Louis...

My ass is in full bitch mode. Fuck it all! A full boycott of the Today Show is in effect, because they managed to completely avoid coverage of Latoyia Figueroa. A bitch is disgusted and therefore shall not watch a single minute of those peevish little shits!

My morning began with a divine cup of coffee (splash of cinnamon in the mix), a dash of 1% organic milk and Splenda, 2 Medi-phedrine, 2 Excedrin and 1 Claritin. Ahhhhh!

A bitch is really suffering from a malaise! His Supreme Pontificalness, Brother Rob Thurman, and Brother This Guy are predicting the end of the world and the Great War of the Fembots, which isn’t helping a bitch’s malaise. Brother Rob is all doomsdayesque and “let’s find a compound in rural Kentucky to wait out the end of days!” Jesus!

Sigh.

A bitch plans to score some soul food at lunch and snap out of shit mood over some serious greens and hot sauce.

This bitch has been thinking fondly of dear old St. Louis. Now that the heat wave has broken, my ass no longer resents every fucking brick in this town out of spite! A bitch can now look about me and enjoy what is a really funky little town…without breaking a sweat.

A bitch wasn’t born in Missouri, but my ass was raised here. My childhood, most of which I blissfully can’t recall, was spent in St. Louis county. We rarely made it into the city. So, when a bitch went off to college outside of Boston it was quite an adjustment. Cars didn’t stop, people seemed mad all the time and the fucking winter made a bitch wonder at the miracle our nation is…just think how bad England had to be for people to settle Boston in January! Anyhoo, a bitch soon began to enjoy the benefits of city living.

My ass has always enjoyed different places. My fascination with people, places and culture is what made me major in Anthropology. Who knew there was no money in it? Boston wasn’t home, but home fucking sucked so this bitch decided to dive in and make the best of it.

After Boston a bitch moved to Texas. Talk about adjustment! My ass spent an entire year bitching about how it wasn’t Boston. At some point, it occurred to me that I was being a dumb ass. Rather than complain about what Dallas wasn’t this bitch decided to embrace what Dallas is. It was salsa and margaritas 24/7, chil’ren. Eight years later, a bitch left Texas with a heavy heart and 25 extra pounds. Who can resist sour cream burritos? Not this bitch!

A bitch moved back to St. Louis in December of 2002 and was immediately caught up in the holiday swing. Since my ass had never lived in the city, St. Louis was totally new to me.

The problem with St. Louis is that St. Louisans don’t appreciate it. We talk down about our town more than anyone. This bitch has lived quite a few places and St. Louis has nothing to be ashamed of! Trust me, most placed end up being either a large or small version of Cleveland and protests to the contrary are fueled by an overly inflated city-ego and a lack of respect for…well…Cleveland! It’s just a town, people. And this bitch loves my bad-school having, Democratic voting, beer producing, crime ridden brick town to pieces!

What ABB loves about St. Louis…

Ted Drewes Frozen Custard This bitch loves the crowd and people watching at the custard stand. I love the fact that this is a unique experience and that it always lives up to my expectations. I fucking hate the calories. If you come to St. Louis and don’t try Ted Drewes you are an asshole!

Diners A bitch has a particular fondness for diners and we’ve got tons of them. A bitch can get cheesy eggs anywhere and anytime! City Diner, Courtesy Diner, Uncle Bill's (though not technically a diner) - this town is lousy with them!

An affordable bar scene for people over 30 This is a huge thing! Some cities have an over 30 bar scene, but who the fuck wants to shell out $15 for a vodka/cran that’s mostly cran just to sit in a bar full of self obsessed morons who have no knowledge of current events and can only discuss their workout, where they workout or how they plan to change their workout. Fuck that! Give this bitch AMP or Grandma’s any day. Adults, the ability to smoke inside, reasonable yet strong drinks and stimulating conversation are all a bitch needs.

Theatre featuring your friends A bitch enjoys a good show, but I simply adore the fact that St. Louis theatre usually has someone I know in it. And it’s good shit, too! Fucking check it out. There is life beyond The Fox and there are some truly talented folks putting on cool shit. Oh, and the price of tickets won't feel like a violent assault either!

There’s more (people who read, cool schools, great tattoo shops, moving traffic, rents under $500), but a bitch has to go get that soul food now.

If you live in St. Louis, good for you and a bitch hopes to see you out and about!

If you don't, come visit and a bitch just may buy you a vodka/cran...

Oh shit! All that positivity just broke my fucking malaise!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The return of Tiger Lilly...!

Everyday a bitch checked for some sign of life. There were sporadic posts, but now it is clear...

Tiger Lilly has returned!

Have you seen Latoyia Figueroa...?

Have you seen this woman?

Please read this report about a missing Philly mother to be. Her name is Latoyia Figueroa. She is 24 and pregnant.

If you have any information please contact the Philadelphia Southwest detective division at (215) 686-3183.

Thank you Maidink for bringing this to my attention!

War and Peace...

A bitch was truly and firmly corrected by a certain Blood Ray on the Broderick/Silverman Brighton Beach Memoirs/Biloxi Blues issue. Broderick had the original role on stage and was replaced by Silverman for the movie. Thank you, my Broadway darling! Biloxi Blues shall be rented and respected…but Silverman did do a good job in BBM…a bitch adores that movie!

On a much more serious note…

ABB was deeply touched by the news that a young soldier from Missouri died in service to this country. The news is very sketchy and even the cause of death has not been reported. But this bitch would like to take a moment to remember Army Pvt. LaVena L. Johnson.

This 19 year-old 2004 graduate of Hazelwood Central High School died July 19 in Iraq from non-combat injuries. She was assigned to the 129th Corps Support Battalion based at Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I know very little about this young woman. She was a member of a diversity group at Hazelwood Central. She volunteered for the American Heart Association, donated blood, and was committed to recycling and the environment.

From what little we do know it is clear that Pvt. Johnson was a remarkable young woman. And I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge her life and death.

Too often, we liberals let conservatives own the war. Before your knee jerks hear me out. This bitch is against this war and was from the beginning. My ass never bought in. But what truly concerned me was how fellow liberals completely abandoned “the war” as they went into battle over the case for war. Conservatives are not the only ones who follow the battles and shudder at the loss of life. We liberals are connected to the war, whether we oppose it or not. It is that connection that holds the key to our bringing this mess to an end.

A bitch is angry…so what’s new? A bitch is horrified…so what? A bitch reads about the short sweet personal history of this 19 year old woman and I wonder what she would have become. What would Pvt. Johnson have contributed to this world? Think of her drive and determination…think of her bravery and courage. A bitch wants you to think about this whether you support this war or not.

When I do all I can think is …oh my God, she was so very young!

A bitch could barely stand to see Pvt. Johnson’s mother on the local news being comforted by an area police officer. My mind couldn’t seem to wrap around the harsh visual representation of absolute grief.

Oh my God…so young, so young, so young!

But I made myself watch…if her mother can bare this pain then my ass can observe it.

The loss of a soldier impacts us all. Each time, each story and each life hits me very hard. I did not wish for Pvt. Johnson to die in service to my country. A bitch thinks it hurts more because of my opposition to this war. There is a special sorrow because I wanted so much for this not to happen.

But a bitch refuses to distance myself from the war and the losses. Young men and women are in harms way and we can’t just turn a blind eye and argue over the academics of it all.

No, conservatives don’t own this…we all own it. For it or against it, this shit always has a way of hitting home.

So a bitch just wanted to take a moment out of my day to acknowledge the Johnson family’s "new reality". May the Devine One grant them peace 'till they meet again...

This, my brother and sisters, is why the struggle must continue…

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Détente...!

Crankyprof and this bitch have achieved détente!

Isn't it amazing how quickly a conflict ends when two women are involved?

We will both maintain joint custody of our dream-based submissive, but Crankyprof retains custody the week prior to the election.

A bitch can hardly wait to go to sleep...!

Rise...!

A bitch clearly needs to see Biloxi Blues, which was originally boycotted by my ass because Jonathon Silverman of Brighton Beach Memoirs fame didn’t get the lead gig. What was up with that shit, anyway? Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Broderick, but Silverman owned that role and it has taken a bitch a long time to get over that casting injustice. However, a bitch shall seek out Biloxi Blues and put the “Africa hot” issue to bed!

This heat is pissing me off, Africa hot or not. The promise of a cold front moving in over the next 24 hours did little to help a bitch get through another night baking on the third floor of our unfortunately well insulated Victorian oven…err, house.

Eyes gritty and temper sour, a bitch made for the kitchen this morning.

2 cups java (dash of happy cow milk, multiple spoonings of Splenda) 1 bowl of Raisin enhanced fiber, 2 Medi-phedrine (a bitch will swing by this afternoon to replenish), 1 Claritin and cigs…

A bitch strongly recommends that you have a dream-based submissive. Clearly, Crankyprof and ABB are going to have to square off over Santorum. Yeah, I know she’s got dibs because she lives in his state. But Rickie is too ideal a submissive for this bitch to give up without a blog fight! Prepare for battle, Mistress of the Pen of Red Death!

A bitch has temporarily replace Karl with Ann Coulter as my dream-based submissive of the moment. Karl is getting his “correction” from the newly empowered Washington press corps and a bitch can’t get him to mind! Ultimately this bitch hopes to settle on either Santorum or Tucker Carlson. Tucker doesn’t look like he’ll last long under the whip, but he may be worth a try…

The revolution has come…time to pick up your gun…!
Y’all remember that old black militant song? This bitch has only witnessed it through documentaries, but it always gets a chuckle out of me. Fuck whether the revolution will be televised…does your ass have a weapon? Gets me every single time!

Missouri’s radical conservatives pushed hard to get a concealed handgun law passed. A bitch lived in Texas when the concealed weapon measure passed there and it didn’t exactly increase gun crime or decrease gun murders…a bitch actually worked with several people who seemed shocked that it had been illegal to have that loaded .45 in the glove compartment. Basically, these laws are bullshit and are based on the fear most folks have of everyone else. This bitch knows that your family is more likely to knock your ass off...at night…with a butcher knife.

At least in Texas you have additional laws to back up that weapon in your handbag. A bitch will never forget watching the local news report on a man who shot a would-be hub cap thief dead from his apartment window, yet faced no criminal charges because a person can defend his or her property through deadly force after sunset in Texas. You have got to love that shit…you just gotta!

A bitch is tired of reasoning with fools! Fuck being rational and asking motherfuckers if they really want Mitzi or Tommy to reach into Mommy’s Prada handbag and blow their brains out! You are destined to be a Dateline disaster story and that is not my fucking problem.

This bitch wants to freak people out...Black Panther style.

Missouri has aggressively given the gay and lesbian community the shaft. Some activists plan to attempt to apply for marriage licenses on the anniversary of the August 3rd Amendment 2 embarrassment, which made marriage defined as the union between one man and one woman a constitutional amendment. A bitch really doubts that this will have much impact, but it will clog up the line so that hetero couples are inconvenienced. But really, this is a soft protest.

ABB would like to see the Missouri GLBT community and their allies leverage the concealed weapon law to protest Amendment 2! That’s right, gather up a huge group of…well…gays and lesbians and friends and show up at the local permit office and freak these motherfuckers out!

Trust me, this shit worked wonders during the Civil Rights movement. The Man does not respond to reason, but give him a militant to fear and he will turn to the rational option and embrace it as a brother!

Either way, it would freak some motherfuckers out. Can you imagine the hysteria in St. Louis if 400 people all showed up at the permit office at the same time? We’d have to be dressed in our best militant garb…black on black on black. In keeping with the militant handbook, we would mass on the lawn and do some sort of drill. Then, Malcolm X style, my angry black self could turn towards the office door and point my middle finger in that direction. At which time we’d all turn in extreme military precision and march to the door like a stylish version of the Fruit of Islam!

People would shit themselves!

Shit…

It’s too hot for a bitch to go out wearing all that black…

Just a thought…

Remember chil’ren, when you think protest think militant…and factor in the heat.

Rise!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Stop the madness...

My darlings! Thank you all for the comments on Friday’s post. A bitch simply adores stirring up dialogue and stimulating conversation.

Chil’ren, a bitch is fired up about so much shit. Where to start? How should a bitch begin?

2 Medi-phedrine (so good…so, so good), 2 cups of coffee (1% organic milk & Splenda) and a new pack of cigs…

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck…?
A bitch was horrified when the press reported the shooting of a civilian in the London subway. But my ass withheld my judgment because we didn’t know the facts yet. And then we got the facts. And a bitch has been feeling sick to my stomach. His Supreme Pontificalness, Brother Rob Thurman, preached on this incident via his blog.

A bitch does not have much to add. Just don’t try to tell a bitch that this is our "new reality". Fearing the fear of others has been my reality. A bitch is tired of fearing what that fear may move them to do.

Observe how smooth the transition was…how easy it is to view the denial of your rights as the protection of your liberty. Open your eyes…and see what I see…terror knows no limits and fascism happens in real time.

Moving on but not forgetting…

Look at my record on welfare reform…
Katie Couric interviewed Rick I hate most things Santorum on the Today Show this morning. Rick is a freak and this bitch thinks he’s the anti-Christ. Anyhoo, Rickie (not close, but a bitch is considering him to replace Rove as my whipping post…I mean submissive…only in my dreams, Mr. Homeland Security…only in a bitch’s dreams) was pimping his new book on families. As I listened to him go on and on about America and why working women are destroying the country a few things flitted through my bitchy mind…

Has anyone ever seen Mrs. Santorum? Are we even sure she exists? A bitch has seen a lot of his very special aide, but my ass has never seen his wife. Is that anyway to promote family values? Fuck freeing Katie Holmes…we need to free Mrs. Santorum. As you read this she may be chained in the basement of her home, forced to watch Leave it to Beaver by his lover...I mean aide. Just a thought…

Who cast a spell on the voters of Pennsylvania? A bitch has been there several times and my ass can’t imagine how a peevish fuck like Santorum got elected in such a working class kind of state! Did the dead vote? He’s anti-labor, anti-minority, anti-woman, anti-gay and anti-kink. Who does he represent?

Rick’s new book is called It Takes a Family. Rick is tired of the anti-family posture of the country. A bitch must object! All you have to do is go to the movies to realize that the traditional family has captured this country! Jesus, a bitch can’t get a fucking NC 17 flick in the summer! Anyhoo, Katie pressured Rick to explain his stance against working moms.

Katie, snotty and still tinged a rare orangish pink. “Can you understand why many women are offended by your attacks on working moms? Many women can’t afford to stay home!”

Pause. What the fuck? Katie, this was your chance to assert the feminist within! Tell that sadistic fuck that you work by choice. You’re rich! Why are you trying to front like you have to work to feed your chil'ren? Even this bitch will admit that you have worked hard to gain status and the independence it affords. Claim it bitch!

Play.

Rick shot out a comeback. "I do understand that. Just look at my record on welfare reform!”

Pause. What did he just say? Did he just say welfare reform? What the fuck does welfare reform have to do with the challenges facing working moms? And not all working moms are single? And this bitch sincerely hopes that women don’t stay with a man for economic reasons…please tell me that we are beyond the “suffer his ass or suffer welfare” stage! Who the fuck is Rick Santorum and where did his crazy ass come from?

Pennsylvania..take down this misogynistic, homophobic, anti-labor, neo-fascist bigot!

The little things we let slip by…
This morning the Today Show ran it’s usual 5-minute news update to begin the program. A bitch was causally sipping coffee and chain smoking when a simple phrase in reference to the extreme heat pissed my ass off.

“This is Africa hot. This is not good. This is melt in the sun hot.” Said the middle-aged middle American who was baking in the park.

What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? A bitch doesn’t know what is more disturbing; that this man said what he said, that the editor thought it was a worthy quote to describe the stifling heat or that Al Roker of the my ass sold out Rokers let that shit pass!

Stop the madness!

Friday, July 22, 2005

Random searches my black ass...!

A certain United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks devotee has made an offereing of…well…decongestants. Damn, my congregation knows how to touch my cold shriveled bitchy heart! Darling, a bitch adores you and will be dropping by to visit the best drug store in town next week…

Two Medi-phedrine (Jesus…they are real!! Glory be to The Devine One!!!), a HUGE cup of java, 2 Excedrin, 1 Claritin and several cigs…

Needless to say, a bitch is beyond disturbed by the announcement yesterday that NYC commuters will be subjected to random searches when they ride the subway. In the face of the London tube attacks this kind of security upgrade seems reasonable. However…

People, and the prejudices they carry within, are the problem.

As a very black bitch, my ass is more than familiar with “security” and “random searches”. My first experience came when I was a wee bitch of ten years old. My mother dragged my reluctant ass to Saks here in St. Louis to shop for neckties and dress shirts for my father. She was trying to match the neckties and shirts to a couple of suits she had purchased from Saks previously. We entered the store, two black bitches and a Saks garment bag, and were immediately tagged by two obvious looking security goons. We were approached over 20 times with offers of assistance. The security goons followed us the entire time we were in the store. A bitch’s mother was not able to find what she was looking for and we exited the store, at which time we were immediately confronted by the security goons who insisted that my mother had put something into the garment bag.

Now, my mother is insane and very bitchy, but she’s no thief. Being crazy, tired, frustrated with her shopping experience and fucking pissed off, my mother proceeded to cuss the guards out…loudly…at the entrance to Saks. A wee ABB was both embarrassed and impressed. The manager was called out and also received a fierce cussing out. My ass will never forget what he said as my mother called him every sort of motherfucker one could imagine…

“Our security does not target black people. Our security is based on observed behavior.”

My mother shot him a certain finger, asked him to observe it then sit on it and spin and marched off.

Random security is bullshit. Security, like advertising, is based on stereotypes and assumed behavior. This bitch has been followed through more stores and suburban neighborhoods than you could imagine. That’s not based on observed behavior. I’m not a thief and like most women of color my ass has been trained from a very young age to shop with care, not touch my handbag while next to anything and move about with caution. Not because The Man is right, but because going off on assholes is time consuming and a bitch has places to go!

I’ve had car doors locked as I walk by. A bitch’s sister has been singled out for full body pat-downs at the airport so many times she has begun to question whether she looks Chechnyan.

This sort of bullshit is insulting and discriminatory. But the worst part is that they ignore the prissy assed sorority bitch across the store pocketing $150 worth of bras. Racial profiling has simply allowed drug dealers to acquire a 20ish blond, put her into a Honda Civic and run heroin from Maine to Texas without a care in the world.

A bitch knows what will happen in New York. Brown people, women in scarves and other ethnic minorities will get hassled. I’ve got $50 for the first blond, blue-eyed faux-Burberry suit wearing Paris Hilton wanna-be bitch that gets asked to open her Kate Spade on the way into the subway.

This shit is intrusive and will not make you safer. Terrorists used airplanes…we increased air security…they switched to busses and trains…we’ll increase security and they will move on to the next huge target our government isn’t watching.

A bitch’s ancestors fought too hard to gain the few civil rights my ass has for me to have them taken away on the pretense that its for my own fucking good!

Fuck them.

This bitch plans to carry a zip lock baggie full of Betsey the sorta-beagle’s shit the next time I’m in New York.

A bitch figures that someone should find WMD…Betsey’s shit is toxic… and you get what you deserve when you dip into a bitch’s bag…!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The whole world is watching...!

A bitch woke up feeling like absolute shit. My eyes are all puffy and I’m hacking up things. My ass didn’t even hit the vodka last night! This is so wrong…

After preparing a fantabulous cup of java (no cinnamon, because a bitch didn’t have the strength) I settled my ass down to watch the Today Show.

Breaking News…from Sudan…?
It seems that Condi (not close…can’t stand the ho) decided to visit Sudan and take care of some non-business. Mainly, this visit was a bullshit public relation stunt that never had any real object of addressing the over 2 million displaced Sudanese on the verge of death. Condi had on a ruthlessly pressed pant suit and not a hair was out of place…until…Andrea Mitchell of NBC News and also the well preserved wife of Alan Greenspan of Fed fame decided to ask a question.

The incident in Sudan went something like this...

Andrea M. to the dude running Sudan…“Mr. President/dictator/tyrant, why should we trust you when you have lied so many…Jesus! Get your hands off of my...oh my God….Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas anymore…help! Help me! My husband controls the world’s economy!! This suit cost more than your national debt…!”

Security guards actually lifted wee little Andrea Mitchell up and tossed her from the press conference. And a bitch means tossed. Andrea reported the incident to Katie Couric via phone. Condi (that ho) demanded and received an apology from the mass killer and displacer of millions.

Condi's statement of the moment "They have no right to push and shove." But they can torch a fucking villiage unchecked, right? Can you believe this shit?

For 20 minutes this bitch actually held onto the hope that the crisis in Sudan may make it to the top of the media dung heap. They’ve roughed up Americans in front of a high ranking official! Now they will have to take this genocidal drama seriously! Now, maybe this government will be embarrassed into some real action…

More Breaking News…from London…
More bombs or incidents of bombs. Same story…different day…new video.

What were they saying about drama in Sudan?

Oh, never you mind.

CNN has a witness from the tube live..!

And the heap just got taller...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Oh, the horror...!

A bitch rushed home last night to get a jump on the big supreme announcement. My ass had just finished feeding the hounds when CBS, CNN, ABC and NBC broke into regularly scheduled programming to report yet another White House leak!

You got that right, the motherfuckers are now leaking without shame! They blatantly leaked the name of Scooter’s Supreme Court nominee before the big press conference! DRAMA!

A bitch was startled but quickly recovered, grabbed my notebook and took some notes.

John Roberts, Jr.
Harvard undergrad and Harvard Law with honors and whatnot.
Considered a 100%er – meaning he’s one of the boys in the conservative boys club.
Difficult to define because of a limited official record.
50 years young, so could serve for decades.
His law firm worked on the infamous 2000 recount for Scooter.
Signed a brief bitching that Roe was wrong.

A bitch needed a drink!

2 cubes ice, 3 shots vodka followed by cran.

A cig was lit and my ass drank the first of what would be many vodka crans...fast.

Seems that John Boy is a legacy nomination. Scooter wants America to feel the pain for years and years to come.

But why the advanced leak? Why spill the beans hours before the press conference?

All was revealed when Scooter and John Boy approached the podium.

Was Scooter sauced?

Okay, a bitch can’t confirm that Scooter was full of the elixir of the gods. However, a certain tyrant’s language was a wee bit slurred…if you get my meaning…very slurred and more fumbled than the average Scooter fumbling debacle of a press conference. Maybe he bit his tongue the last time he flung himself over the handle bars of his bike?

Scooter launched into a rambling introduction of John Boy and this bitch was amazed by his inability to get through what amounted to 5 minutes of communicating with the public.

Pull your shit together, son! Jesus to heaven and back again...speak damn you!

"Blah, blah, blah…John is a good man…blah, blah…won’t legislate from the bench…blah, blah, blah…put himself through school...blah, blah, belch, blah."

Boring!

“I’m placing in human hands the authority and majesty of the law!”

Majesty? Did he just say majesty? Majestic my black ass! Keep it real, honey. This isn’t about “strict interpretation”. This is about your interpretation and your ability to insure your interpretation for decades.

Fucker!

“John will faithfully apply the constitution!” or something to that affect…
John will tow the party line...hard…and to the right.

“John has a profound respect for the rule of law!”
John is in my fucking pocket. I’ve seen his work…how do you think my ass won that first court battle...err, umm...election?

Scooter to American “How do you like me now, bitches?!?”

A bitch is torn. I’ve got to give it to Scooter for nominating a minority to the court (white, male, straight, rich and overeducated). But we are once again fucked.

And this fucking will go on for years.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Breaking News - Scooter Makes a Move...!

The ABB News Network has confirmed that Scooter (W is for what-the-fuck-were-you-red-states-thinking) will make an aggressive move tonight to turn the liberal wrath away from Karl (honey...you need to call a bitch...or you will be punished!!) Rove!

Super, double, double, deep, deep with whip cream on top, major background sources confirm off the record without video or audio that Scooter will announce...

A Supreme Court Nominee!

Yes!

In Prime Time!

The only thing that could have worked better would have been a full-scale invasion of Pakistan...

A bitch will observe in silent horror as the media heard follows the bouncing scandal ball as it moves far, far away from my submissive...Karl Rove...who I beat senseless every single night in my dreams…

A recap of the most predictable damage control maneuver known to man will be posted tomorrow.

Philosophicals

A bitch was bored beyond all belief last night. The original plan to sit on my ass and watch documentaries on the Sundance Channel crashed headlong into the evil serpent of re-run documentary programming. Motherfuckers! Can a bitch get a new documentary please? I know they have them. Next Monday had best make up for yesterday…

This morning I woke up to the rhythmic sound of my mostly-beagle snoring. Betsey the beagle’s allergies are acting up and she’s all snotty! A bitch knows she should sympathize, but that mutt snore is too cute for words.

After a 5-minute tummy rub for the mostly-beagle, I stumbled into the kitchen to prepare coffee. A bitch added a dash of cinnamon to the grind this morning…fantabulous!

Philosophicals

Marriage
The Today Show had a segment tackling the topic of cohabitation before marriage. Seems that Katie wanted to know if cohabitation before marriage had any impact on a couple’s survival. A bitch has very firm beliefs on this, even though my ass will never formally marry (a bitch does plan to throw one hell of a party at 40…white dress…strippers…look for the registry at Tiffany’s in 7 years). This bitch isn’t big on formality or veils, but I do adore cake.

Anyhoo, if we test drive a car and try on shoes, why can’t we test out a relationship and see how that works? My heart goes out to women who end up married to an ass that they know would have been exposed as an ass had they only lived with him or her for a few weeks. Or the poor man who wakes up one month into a marriage and realizes that his partner really is a shrew…that’s gotta suck. The only complaint against cohabitation is that it is a supposed "sin". But this bitch feels that taking an oath before The Devine One without making sure you can live by that oath is a far greater sin. Walk in the shoes for a mile before you start bragging about how fucking perfect they are…

Guns, the NRA and a bitch
A bitch is not pro-gun. This position in based on a childhood incident that involved my crazy assed mother, a cup of tea, an argument with my father and a loaded .45 on the kitchen table. A bitch was 8 or 9. Quick thinking on the part of my older sister spared our neat little country subdivision from a Lifetime Movie plot. Sigh. You just can’t put guns in the hands of anyone. Trust me…

After my sister buried the bullets in the backyard and inspected the gun to make certain that there was no way our absolutely unstable mother could end a life with it, we all settled down at the kitchen table to sip tea and passively avoid dealing with the disaster that almost took place.

A bitch was amazed to read that the NRA has decided to diss Columbus as a convention location because they had the audacity to ban some sort of shoulder cannon. Who knew it could be that simple to get them to go away? Anyhoo, a bitch believes in gun control and thinks that you would too if you’d seen a gun in the hands of a mentally unstable yet technically proficient bitter short wild-eyed black woman with a grudge against the world.

To be rich and criminal
Roman Polanski is a fugitive. Don’t get me wrong…a bitch loves his movies. But his ass skipped out and ran to Europe after allegedly drugging some young skinny thing in Jack Nicholson’s hot tub and molesting her. Why come he gets to give testimony in some liable case via satellite? Why is the British government granting him this courtesy? Why can’t a bitch be rich enough to manipulate the legal system for 30 years? Why?!?

Something about that cinnamon in the coffee makes a bitch ponder and reflect…

Monday, July 18, 2005

It never rains in Southern California...

Sometimes a bitch wishes she lived in California. I used to lie to myself and claim that my midwestern loyalty was based on a fear of states that shake. But Missouri shakes too…shit, the last time this fucker really got it’s groove on the fucking muddy river reversed itself. It's the combination of shaking, mud-sliding, wildfire having and serial killer producing that keeps me smack in the center.

But why does California get all the fucking fun?

Gay marriage battles, a bodybuilding magazine deal making former sorta-actor governor, the easy to make fun of celebrities (hello!!), cults and In & Out Burger. Is there no justice!?!

The midwest has serial killers, but California has fucking Zodiac killers or Manson loyalists.

Showoffs!

So, of course it would be drama in a city in Cali that drew my bitchy eye this afternoon...

San Diego. What the fuck is going on? The nation has been distracted by the governator and you go and show the fuck out!

Sigh.

Maybe a bitch should relocate…

Oh when the saints come marching in...!

My brothers and sisters in bitchitude had a fantabulous gathering at the meeting house Saturday night! Well, a bitch can’t be certain that all in attendance had fun…but my ass sure did!

And after all…praise is about personal happiness at the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks!

His Supreme Pontificalness, Sistah Rob Thurman worked so hard to bring the gospel of bitchitude to the peoples at Grandma’s Politicians Club. Sigh. The spirit was in the house, chil’ren!

A bitch is certain that our brothahs and sistahs who were unable to attend felt touched by the power of bitchitude as well. Can I get an amen?

A bitch was thrilled to see so many St. Louis bloggers and bloggeristahs representing.

BTW, fantabulous hair Clipgirl! We’re loving it!

Hugs and kisses to all!

But a bitch is beyond hung over…still.

1 cup of viciously strong coffee, two tablespoons of Splenda, a dash of suspiciously sour 1% organic milk, 2 Claritin and 2 Sudafed (that’s right…the real shit…a bitch was able to score!).

So…are you really a bitch?
My ass has to be honest…I truly adored meeting some of my favorite blogs Saturday night. But there was a suspiciously DEA-esque looking someone who posed the deep, deep, double deep background in-depth investigative question to a bitch…

“So…are you really a bitch?” he asked in a super sober affectedly bored voice.

“Umm…yes.” Answered the bitch in her best Andy Warhol impression.

He didn’t get it.

Tan in a bottle…
A bitch was still bloodshot eyed and dry mouthed this morning. I flipped on the Today Show and, to my horror, was confronted with Katie Couric cast in a freakish shade of orangish pink. I’m not kidding! The bitch was wearing white and her hair is still the very definition of the absence of color, so her new orange/pink skin tint was shown off in striking relief.

Someone hates you Katie…someone really hates you! And a bitch thinks it might be "you". Change starts from within…or, in your case, from within a cheap assed bottle of discount faux tan #2.

Now, my ass knows that y’all are tired of the media spectacle that is The Rovian Affair. So, we’ll give my submissive the day off. Momma was a wee bit harsh last night and Karl may need to heal…

Homegrown terror...
Eric Rudolph, the infamous Olympic Bomber and killer of abortion practitioners, is due to be sentenced for violating that sanctity of life in order to…well…a bitch thinks he was supposed to be killing to prevent killing. It’s so confusing!

This hypocritical shit didn’t even embrace the "martyr role" like a true believer should! Eric took a deal and thus will not be killed for killing to prevent killing.

You’ve got to love this shit!

Now, all week long we’ve been watching the media try to come to terms with the fact that the alleged bombers in the London terrorist case were “homegrown”. Homegrown is really a term that should be reserved for tomatoes or cabbage. Anyhoo, a bitch is amazed that people are amazed. My ass isn’t all that fluent in British culture, but we Americans are very familiar with “homegrown” terrorism and the inability of our government to address it…

Example #1 - The Confederacy and those that love them…
Yes, America had an insurgency before insurgencies were cool. Our own homegrown insurgent militant radical fringe were The Confederate States of America. They declared their independence then erected a flag and took to the hills with guns and bombs and independent cells that all acted on their own but held to a central ideology. Sound familiar? So, what happened to these Confederate insurgents ABB? Good question! The Union won the War on Terror, but the Confederacy has still not been quelled. Why, the boy Governor of Missouri proclaimed that the radical militant flag of the insurgency could fly over a Confederate graveyard in Missouri just last month!

A bitch was shocked…do Nazi flags fly over the graves of German WWII dead in France? Yeah, we’ve struggled with that “hearts & minds” thing for a long time…

Example #2 - The KKK and their many fringe spin-offs...
Angry that they were not able to break away and continue the domination and ownership of blacks, a fringe group comes together to regulate the “black problem” by burning and killing and terrorizing and drowning and lynching and…you get the picture. The law looks the other way for the better part of a century until the media begins to cover the violence, at which time the law attempts to ban the KKK as a terrorist organization (yeah, for real though!). Given the fact that they still seem to be able to burn down an AME Zion Church whenever they want to, a bitch is pretty sure that this terrorist group has not been neutralized. Yeah. And you thought bin Laden was hard to hunt down? We can’t get rid of a bunch of drunken assed rednecks riding around in pick-up trucks and burning down black folks houses of worship. Lawd Jesus, help me now!

Exmaple #3 - And who can forget the war to protect the sanctity of life by taking lives...!
A bitch cannot stand the militant fringe of the anti-choice movement! What the fuck are these people thinking? And where do they get off choosing which biblical phrases to adhere to? All or nothing, motherfuckers! Even my heathen ass knows that. This insurgency against the will and power of the Supreme Court pisses me off to no end, simply because these people wrap themselves up in the cloak of moral superiority when they are really just cold...blooded...serial killers.

Fuckers.

But my point is simple. Terror can be and more often than not is homegrown. The media should know this. The real story is why it is so difficult to address terror within our borders…a bitch is convinced that a proper examination of that angle may bring about a better plan to address terror abroad. Either way, insurgents don’t always speak with a foreign accent.

The last person to attempt to terrorize this bitch was wearing a “These Colors Don’t Bleed” tee shirt, driving a fucking Ford pick-up truck with a Confederate flag decal on the bumper and shouting for my multi-generational American black ass to go back to Africa.

Friday, July 15, 2005

See you at the meeting house...!

A bitch couldn't say it any better than Rob Thurman! Y'all will need to bring cash to Grandma's tomorrow, 'cause your credit will get you nowhere...and no booze!

To all our out of state and international church members, drink with us in spirit and remember our lone commandment...accuracy!

The Accuracy Commandment of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks
Everything comes back to accuracy. If honesty is a baseball bat then accuracy is a sword. You can kill a person with both…but the sword is more efficient.

See you tomorrow...!

It's Friday. Do you know where your submissive is...?

A bitch shot awake at 6:50 in the a.m. this morning. My ass has no idea what woke me up, but it must have been brutal!

1 cup of coffee, 4 teaspoons of Splenda, 2 dashes of organic 1% milk (yum!), 1 Claritin and 2 pseudo-Sudafed…

My ass must admit that I watched the Today Show with very little interest this morning. Usually, a bitch eagerly awaits the fuck-ups and incidents of bitchy attitude that is the Today Show. But a bitch learned that those fuckers have rebounded in the ratings. My concern is that my constant abuse of Katie and Matt has resulted in an increase in viewers…folks are tuning in just to see them act like asses!

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?

Anyhoo, something did jump out at this bitch while I guzzled coffee and popped pills…

Rove and Novak sitting in a tree…
This bitch is still holding out hope that the blood in the water will result in the ultimate removal of Karl Rove from public service. As my loyal readers know, Karl and I are beyond close. A bitch has been ritualistically beating Karl (trust me, he loves the pain) for well over a year. As his dominatrix, I’ve noticed that Karl has been getting rebellious lately. He no longer jumps when I say jump and what was once a two-hour foot bathing session has become a measly hour and a half! What the fuck?

Pause.

New readers should know that a bitch is referencing a reoccurring dream and these beatings in no way actually happen…unless dreams are reality and reality is just a dream…in which case my ass is as sick as a motherfucker…

A bitch just assumed that Karl needed more discipline, but now that the name leaking nonsense has been revealed my ass is beginning to question whether Karl is a submissive at all! Crafty little fuck. This bitch plans to switch from the paddle to the whip! We’ll see just how committed Mr. Rove is...

The media, still shocked to discover that they have new shiny journalism balls, has not tired of the Rovian feeding frenzy. Press briefings haven’t been this much fun since Monica’s amateur CSI-esque preservation of Presidential fluid leaked (pun intended) onto the scene! It’s brutal, but great fun.

At any rate, it now seems that Karl spoke to a lot of reporters. Cooper and Miller and even the Prince of Darkness himself! Wow!

So what happens now? Most likely nothing. Seems that Rove leaked the story to everyone and announced that Plame was fair game and so on. But, clever bastard that he is, Karl didn’t exactly “out” her…or did he?

Follow a bitch back to the recent outing of a certain Spokane mayor. See, “outing” is not new and has a long history that these prosecutors can reference. A good outing simply requires enough evidence to make denials worthless.

Note – Spokane mayor soliciting young, very young, frightfully young boy sex online made protests about his straightness seem …well…silly.

Note – Strom Thurmond being outed as a fucker of oppressed black maids by the public appearance of his unfortunate "love" child (Jesus, her ass took after her father…poor child) post mortem made his resume of questioning the mixing of the races seem like Massa in the morning ain’t nothing like Massa after midnight in the slave quarters. Freak.

Sigh.

The list goes on and on. Outing is a clearly defined thing. Given the evidence, Karl has been outed as a back stabbing, below the belt hitting, “yo’ momma dis tossing” protector of the party line that he is.

But is it a crime? That’s yet to be determined. Personally, a bitch has no doubt that Rove is the leaker and that he knowingly leaked Plame as a covert operative to Novak. I call upon the church to pray for the existence of a secret taping system. Pray, damn it! Pray!

This bitch wishes the media would cease tossing out dumb assed questions about who the leaker is. If you are really asking, then you’re a dumb ass. If you’re asking because you want to seem impartial, then you’re a dumb ass. Fuck it…you’re a dumb ass!

Shit. This bitch ain’t exactly complaining. My ass will take anything over the “who will Scooter select” Supreme Bore story.

Gives a bitch nightmares…

Thursday, July 14, 2005

A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise...

A bitch plans to break open a rather dusty version of The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. Such honesty and accuracy...warms the wicked soul! Scooter's recent inaction on the Rove matter almost makes a bitch wonder if he is a reader of Machiavelli...but that's not possible since Scooter doesn't read. Maybe he got the audio version...

Rob Thurman and my ass are busy working on the complete gospel of the United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks.

Chil'ren, this will take time. See, we're not gods yet and last time my ass checked we get 7 days and 7 nights or something like that...

A bitch is thrilled that the spirit of bitchitude is spreading throughout the world. Already, brothers and sisters in from East Coast to West Coast, Canada and parts of Europe have given their testimony!

And the church said Amen!

BTW, Fahren had a bitch cracking up with the Machiavelli quote!

Happy Bastille Day...power to the masses!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Where to begin…?

A bitch has been so preoccupied with the new cult…I mean church work that I have not been on the job!

Now, my ass is confronted with multiple incidents of bullshit to rant about. So get comfy, ‘cause a bitch has some shit to say!

First, shout outs to a few fellow blog hounds that are working hard for the masses.

South City Mouth has a lot to say. Keep it coming honey! Keep it coming!

A big bitchy thank you to Kim Plaintive for bringing the over-blackness of Alicia Keys to my attention. Seems KP was working on some survey responses to acts that performed at the Houston Rodeo. Note – a bitch has been to the Houston Rodeo and recommends the fried dough…skip the turkey leg…trust me on this. Seems that some of the respondents felt that A.K. was too black. Anyhoo, a bitch loves me some A.K., but she isn’t exactly too anything. And what is too black anyway? What the fuck! This bitch thinks that a person can never be too ethnic/sexual/bitchy/loud...it’s your life, so live it to excess! “Too” is “code” for “your blackness makes me uncomfortable” and a bitch has no time for that. If I had a dollar for every time some ass told me that I “intimidate” people or that I’m very “ethnic” my ass would be too rich to bitch. At any rate, if rodeo visitors in Houston are thinking you’re too black, you are probably just barely black enough…

Whoops!
Missouri executed an innocent man. Thank Gawd The Innocence Project helped us uncover this massive fuck up! A bitch has always been torn on the issue of the death penalty. My ass does think some folks need to be put down. The problem is that our system is simply too fucked up to identify who gets the needle and who get a pass. This possible murder at the hands of our legal system is just one more example that we are not ready or fit or prepared or worthy of making this decision. What the fuck do you say to this man’s family? What do you say to the victim’s family? Jesus to heaven and back again, by fucking this shit up you have let a fucking killer walk around somewhere for 20 fucking years! Lawd have mercy!

More on Rove…

Katie Couric took part in the biggest waste of time my ass has seen in a long while. Ms. Couric, hair frosted to an extreme that made me question whether her stylist hates her, decided to question Newt of the Gingrich Newts about Rove. As if his ass has anything relevant to say! Why not call in the Swift Boat Vets and ask them what they think? Fuck me; am I the only bitch who thinks this is crazy?

Newt, being a fucking RNC robot from way back in the day, not only defended Rove but questioned whether Novak (the original Price of Darkness) did anything wrong by questioning Wilson’s critique and, in the process, slamming Wilson’s wife and outing her as a covert agent. Clearly, Newt thinks that Novak is a patriot.

All of which would have been fine if it weren’t for the fact the Katie was outmaneuvered. It was like watching a young Mike Tyson beat the living shit out of some unprepared boxer on his way to the title. Newt didn’t even break a sweat. And hats off to those darlings at the Today Show for letting Newt tackle this spin unopposed! No, no, no! For the love of all that’s holy, don’t dare to book someone from the other side to provide some fucking sanity to the debate. That would be too much like right!

Fuckers! All of them are fuckers. Makes my ass wish I knew some voodoo…

Clearly Rove slammed Ms. Plame in an effort to discredit Wilson, who wrote an article pointing out that the President was wrong on plutonium in Niger.

And Scooter was wrong about Iraq trying to get some glowing material from Niger.

Wilson was dispatched on the request of someone in the Executive Branch, not his wife. She recommended him…because he had contacts…which he used…to find out the truth…which Scooter chose to ignore.

It’s just that fucking simple!

And how did the clowns in the White House respond? Did they thank Wilson for providing information that might have prevented our country from the catastrophic fucking disaster of intelligence failurtude that we are now witnessing?

No!

They outed his wife and her covert status! By doing so, they put the lives of every contact that she has ever worked with in jeopardy. They destroyed the integrity of any investigation that she was working on.

SHAME, SHAME, SHAME! Motherfuckers....SHAME!

And hey Newt! The fucking federal government that you sooo adore has determined that what Novak did was more than wrong…it’s fucking illegal! And just because the Prince of Darkness goes unprosecuted don't go thinking he didn't break the law. Please...that level of ignorance is beneath y'all.

I hate these people and I hate what they have done. But I hate the Today Show more for giving their dumb asses a forum to attempt to spin that what they did wasn’t so bad. Way to go! Criminals don’t have a voice and NBC is committed to ending that injustice in the world of media!

Sigh.

A bitch is worn the fuck out!

Add to all this that NASA is about to shit out another billion-dollar tax payer funded "experiment" and a bitch is beside myself!

Thank goodness my ass has my church to fall back on…

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

It's official...!

Imagine my shock when I read this while slacking off at my job!

Yeah! Missourians are #1 when it comes to wasting time at work!

Oh shit. A bitch is conflicted. Pride is at war with lazitude.

Fuck it!

We're #1!

We're #1!

If you can’t beat them, rip off their hustle…!

ABB and the fantabulous Rob Thurman have decided to join forces and form a church of anti-technology bitch thought.

United Church of Bitchitude and Latter Day Drunks © has been born!

Thanks for the lesson deblog Shawn!

Classes will begin at Grandma’s Politicians Club on Manchester Saturday July 16th sometime after 10pm…

We’re working on commandments and such. But I think the basic philosophy is pulling together quickly!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Breaking News, my black ass...!

A bitch had a bad nights sleep. My ass was tossing and turning! Needless to say, I woke up bitchy to a high degree.

Coffee (made with a dash of cinnamon), add organic milk and Splenda (oh, how a bitch adores you). Stir, and then settle down to a breakfast of Claritin and cigs…

The news was tragic this morning. Katie Couric was almost inconsolable about Dennis being so fucking lame. You know, Hurricane Dennis? Because you may not be aware that a fucking hurricane was approaching…what, with all the coverage of other news that took place over the weekend…NOT!

Jesus, Katie actually sounded disappointed that Florida wasn’t destroyed!

All fucking weekend long it was hurricane, hurricane, and hurricane. It’s coming, it’s coming fast, it’s almost there, it’s going to hit soon, boy is it big…blah, blah, blah.

It was like listening to geriatric porn.

A bitch had to move fast to catch anything about the Newsweek/Rove/Cooper story. Then, after a 48-hour hurricane watch that included Anderson Cooper almost being decapitated by an airborne Ramada sign, Dennis hit shore like a wimp.

This bitch feels towards hurricanes what I feel towards shark attacks. If you live on the water, then you live and die by the water. And if your ass is swimming amongst the food chain, understand that you may be dinner for a shark.

My ass was so tired of this fucking hurricane that I sincerely hoped it would blow the CNN live crew into the gulf. That, at least, would have been entertainment.

So, what are we to make of the highly anticipated Newsweek article? Will it be an old fashion expose? Or will Newsweek pull back, having been recently pimp slapped over “aggressive” reporting? Jesus! Either way, a bitch will have material.

According to the anchor bitch on the Today Show (has Ann Curry left for Dateline already?), Karl (those that read me often know just how close Karl and a bitch are) was e-mailing Cooper (the writer) about Ambassador Wilson and his trip to Africa. On super-spin mode, Karl slammed Wilson for telling what turned out to be the truth about Uranium or some other substance and Uganda…Sudan?…maybe Chad. Anyhoo, Wilson was right. Rove went on to claim that Wilson only got the Africa gig because his wifey was connected.

No, it’s not a smoking gun. Fuck it; a bitch will still have material!

ABB’s Theory on the CIA Outing Scandal
No need to snuggle down. This theory is short and simple.

This bitch thinks the whole “leak” angle is a distraction. No one "leaked" anything to Novak. Karl and his minions were sending out teasers against Wilson the week prior to the outing. But those related to reporters who were still trying to maintain some semblance of journalistic integrity.

Chil’ren, we're talking about Bob Novak here. The original Prince of Darkness. Seriously, his ass is older than sin and Satan combined. Novak didn’t need to be "spun". Shit, Novak fucking volunteered!

So, if you’re looking for a leak you are so off the mark. Novak knows Washington and he knows the players.

And you can be fucking certain he knew Wilson was married to Mrs. Thang and what her fucking job was.

Leak?

There was no leak.

The genius was in making people look for one…

Friday, July 08, 2005

2 cubes ice, then shots of vodka followed by cran...

A bitch watched the coverage of the London attacks all... night... long.

My ass consumed a multitude of vodka crans, 6 pseudo-Sudafed and an unmentionable quantity of cigs…

Drunk, this bitch found the evolution of media coverage of the attacks fascinating!

It began when I stunned myself awake the evening before at 3:30am (a bitch has sleep issues) and turned on CNN to see coverage of an “incident”.

The incident became a probable attack. The probable attack morphed into a clear attack of unknown origin. The clear attack of unknown origin changed into an anti-Christian (all thanks due to the new Pope) atrocity. The anti-Christian atrocity morphed into a most-likely-not-the-work-of-the-IRA bombing. The MLNTWOTIRAB quickly evolved into the work of Islamic jihadists. And it was quick work to decide that those jihadists were al Qaeda.

Now, the real work began. The machine must move swiftly to connect this attack to Sept.11and thus...uh...err...Iraq!

But wait! Is that a ray of propaganda sunshine I see before me?

YES!

Lawd have mercy…it’s Rudy Giuliani!

In London!

Slap this bitch and call me Martha.

Whatever could he have to say?

It was something like “America stands behind our ally as they stood by us during our time of need…Sept. 11”. Keep in mind...my ass was very tipsy.

Thank you Rudy! Jesus, what would we do without you?

This bitch is torn between wonder and horror. Am I the only one who watches the big propaganda machine and sees them for the bullshit artists that they are? These people are working their asses off! And all under the cloak of legitimate news. Sigh. A bitch is concerned that The Man may not be getting the kind of acknowledgement that a 24-hour propaganda turn-around deserves!

And yet, a bitch remains un-spun...

Things ABB Slurred to the Television...

The fact that terror cells are still able to execute coordinated attacks at will is not a sign that the tide is turning towards to efforts of democracy.

Soledad, Diane and Katie – we are not safe, have not been safe and will not be safe.

CNN – cease comparing these attacks to The Blitz of WWII. Some 43,000 civilians were estimated to have died during The Blitz. Sit down, shut up and listen. A bitch has always admired London for its ability to survive a multi-year bombing. You diminish that achievement when you launch into the comparison game. You limited, irrelevant media hack fucks.

ABC – It’s 2005. Go live or give it up.

NBC – Nothing is shallower than viewing a tragedy through a national gaze. Couldn’t you at least mix in some fucking coverage with all the “American Hero” and American Victim” stories. Jesus to God, you people are so fucking lazy.

p.s. to ABC – Stop star-fucking NBC for all their stories. They suck and all you are doing is following them down the fuck-up trail!

CBS – Hello? Is there anyone home?

A bitch does not recognize the existence of FOX.

Sigh.

The true tragedy is that so few even noticed that the G8 wrapped up having accomplished so little…so quickly.

Anyone up for another cocktail?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

To my friends in London...

To my friends and readers in London, my soul is numb at the news this morning.

Once again, pictures of pain and terror and fear fill my television screen. Just 24 hours ago, I dreamed of 2012 with anticipation and excitement. Just 24 hours ago, I watched the joy of victory on the faces of so many London residents.

And now, there is terror. Again.

Know that I am shocked and horrified and disgusted by the violence that has been leveled upon you.

Know that I understand that my emotions don't mean a damned thing right now.

Now is not a time for anger or politics or rhetoric.

I will save the analysis for another day.

To my friends in London, I hope that you are safe and that those you hold dear are too. Beyond that, I have no words...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Breaking News - A Resignation and a Jailing...

Damn, shit is happening so fucking fast!

A resignation...
Randa Hayes has resigned from her post as Director of Missouri's Division of Business Development and Trade.

This bitch sincerely hopes that the Missouri Dems don't back off.

Why was her file sealed? Why did her arrest go "undetected"? Why did her never done bitness with big business but raised a ton of money for Republicans felonious ass get appointed to one of the most crucial positions in the state? WHY!

A bitch will be on this like flies on shit....

A jailing...
A bitch is troubled by the jailing of Judith Miller for a story she didn't write. My ass understands that Judith may hold a criminal's name in her files. But she was not party to the actual crime. It seems like an act of inefficiency to jail Judith for what she might know when you could attack Bobby Novak for what the entire fucking world knows he does know.

But that's too much like right...

Fuckers.

Officially a Baby's Daddy...

A bitch has been following the drama in Monaco over Prince Albert (we were close, but this recent disclosure has expose a void of honesty that a bitch might not be able to get past) and his baby. That's right. His BAAAAAAABBBBBBY!

It is official. Prince Albert is that baby's daddy.

Unfortunately, this will not result in the brownification of the Grimaldi family seat. A bitch isn't saying that brownification is required, but it would have been fun. But Monaco has a thing for legitimacy...well...they say he needs to be "legitimate", but they've changed the rules before. Sigh. It's always the details that fuck shit up.

Stef must be fuming that Albert is making a run at her title as official Grimaldi fuck up! Ohhh, my ass wouldn't want to make that bitch mad!

Anyhoo, congrats to Albert's baby and that baby's daddy, Albert.

So much to bitch about, yet so little time...

A bitch is loving the rapid fire coverage going on in the news world! George Clooney got my ass all riled up this morning by pontificating on the Today Show about the G8 Summit. Georgie Boy (so close, yet not intimate) has clearly memorized his talking points, but this game will not be won by the pretty…

G8 in the Movies...
A bitch watched a fantabulous movie on HBO called The Girl in the Café. The plot centers on the G8 Summit and the Millennium Goals. This movie is a must see! If you don’t have cable or satellite, hook up with someone who does. There are moments of drama and fantastic questions in this movie. What are our goals and are we truly committed to reaching them? If we accept defeat before we sit down at the table, then how can we possibly succeed? A bitch was moved and challenged! 30,000 children die of poverty each day and people shouldn’t need a fucking G8 Summit to address it.

Forgive debt, stop supporting and creating puppet governments and increase trade while you increase aid. Or don’t. Just stop putting forth goals if you have not intention of working towards achieving them.

Moving on…

Culinary Diplomacy...
It seems that London is calling! A bitch was thrilled to hear the announcement that London will host the 2012 Olympic games. Not that my ass is interested in the Olympics. Honestly, a bitch finds the underscoring of the Chinese female gymnastic team unfair and intolerable! Those girls are flipping and twisting us off the mat and all we can say is that we doubt the age on their birth certificate. WHATever! It’s an even greater achievement if those bitches are 7. Add to that the scandal over the winter games and that whole pairs scoring fuck up and my ass is totally turned off.

But now there is London! What a fucking party! A bitch plans to be there with bells on. The appeal of a London Olympics was enhanced by the fact that my ass thinks London was awarded the games because a certain French President pissed off the Finns. Seems that certain folks think Finnish food is bad and said so while chatting with a certain Russian and a certain German. He also dissed British food. A bitch has never had Finnish food, but my ass did sample the dishes of London town. Suffice it to say my American pallet had a hard time adjusting. But, then again, my ass had a hard time fitting into those fucking skinny British jeans too. There must be something to all that tea drinking…

Anyhoo, two of the votes on the Olympic Committee were folks from Finland and a bitch thinks a dash of national food honor might have been at play. Paris was in the running up until this week. Sigh. It’s nice to know that we share the burden of a verbally unpredictable President with our French friends.

On a local note…
Missouri’s boy governor is in a bit of a pickle. Seems that the heifer he hired to bring big business back to Missouri has a criminal past…of theft and forgery! Duh, duh, duuuuh! Her conviction was uncovered several weeks ago, but Miss Thang wasn’t fired or put on leave until yesterday. And why was her criminal file sealed? Oh yeah, the shit is beginning to boil and it couldn't have happened to a bettter ass than our boy Blunt….

As Watergate taught us, it’s the cover-up that always comes back to bite you in the ass…

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Fight the power...

A bitch was thrilled to see the return of my blog mentor Rob Thurman to the scene!

My mentor de blog wasted no time challenging my ass to act up and get my "radical" on.

MmmmHmmm, a bitch can dig that shit! Fight the power!

My ass has no intention of seeing War of the Worlds. Ever. I have a sneaky suspicion that Mr. Cruise sees the box office results as a validation of his bullshit. A bitch isn't condemning those that have gone to see it, but my ass is staying home.

If you are so motivated, you may also want to protest Mr. Cruise and his views (poet...didn't know it!). Take your $10 and donate it to a Post Partum support group. Or go get your ass some frozen custard! It's your money, chil'ren...spend it like you live it!

What do I plan to do?

I see how you is!

We'll see about the support group, but this bitch will totally be seen at Ted Drewes...

A bitch immortalized as art...


This bitch loves South Park!











So, when my blog pal NuggetMaven offered to do ABB as a South Park character my ass couldn't resist.

And don't I look fine?

A bitch's intimates are gasping at the shocking resemblance.

Bitches!

Today is a bitch’s brother’s birthday!

My beloved older brother is 35 years old today. Yeah!

My brother Bill is the most amazing person that I know. He is autistic. Not Rain Man autistic, but “oh shit, this dude is autistic!” autistic. Bill has always been the single most inspiring person that I know. A bitch witnessed his frustration as he struggled to learn the coping mechanisms that were vital to his survival in the modern world. And my ass resented the hell out of him for getting all the attention all the time.

Shit, just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean a bitch can’t indulge in some sibling rivalry!

Through my 20’s I wasn’t able to spend much time with Bill. My sister and I have always known that we would eventually have to step into the guardian role, so a bitch consciously lived my 20’s so that I wouldn’t resent the sacrifices of my 30s.

Bill has a vocabulary of less than 100 words, yet is a master manipulator particularly when McDonald’s is under discussion. He is profoundly autistic, but maintains close friendships and an active social life. It took my brother 7 years to learn how to use the bathroom and over a decade to learn the few words he verbalizes. Yet, despite his many achievements his greatest is his job. Bill has worked at Chic-fil-A for several years. He gets up at 4 am to prepare for work, because he just that excited about his job. And the ABB family is very grateful to Chic-fil-A for supporting alternative work solutions that provide opportunities for mentally challenged adults.

Whenever a bitch gets too full of myself I think about my brother Bill. I remember the joy he gets out of a simple value meal from McDonalds. I remember the eager excitement he exhibits when I ask him how works was.

So, even though I’m pretty sure he’s not even aware a bitch has a blog I would like to say a huge Happy Birthday to my big brother Bill!

Thanks for making this world a better place for 35 years.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Here and Now...

A bitch was moved to hear of the passing of Luther Vandross. More than a fan, this bitch grew up on Luther and survived some of my most traumatic moments listening to him.

Luther Vandross sang of love…the possibility of love, the longing of love, the commitment of love and the bittersweet pain of love lost.

Perhaps it is because so many of my emotional moments coincided with Luther’s record releases or maybe because a bitch is really a softy under all the drama…I don’t know…it just seems that his velvet voice should have been around longer.

Luther’s last song was the one that really tore at a bitch’s heart. Dance With My Father makes me cry the tears of a daughter who knows the pain of loosing her Dad. When I first heard the song I literally had to pull over the car and let it all out. Then I cursed Luther Vandross for bringing it all back so quickly and so sharply that it felt like I was unstable in an instant. But now there is only gratitude.

A bitch studied voice for many years. I no longer sing…not quite sure why, but I guess I will again when I should again. The hardest thing to do as a performer is to connect with your audience. Singers can be taught the art of voice, but only a rare few can make you feel like they are talking to you and only you. Luther did that for me…over and over again.

A bitch finds solace in the knowledge that he is reunited with the father he expressed such love for…

From Dance With My Father

Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again

Luther Vandross was 54 years old…

Friday, July 01, 2005

Ahhh...Friday...!

A bitch is very excited about this long weekend. My ass will be catching up on some serious sleep and avoiding people all weekend long. Yeah! The fridge is stocked and I simply can’t wait to do nothing. You know your ass is grown when you look forward to sleep.

A certain Crankyprof must have been up early this morning! A bitch recommends a visit to her for the latest on Brooke versus Tomkat. If someone had told me 20 years ago that Brooke Shields would be writing an Op Ed in the New York Times, my ass would have snorted in his or her face. What is this world coming to? But a bitch must give Brooke Shields her due…she has earned an honorary bitch degree for defending her cause and condition. I can almost imagine her neck jerking as she breaks off her read…

Speaking of reads…

That Guy, who a bitch simply adores beyond all reason, has delivered one in honor of…well…in honor of great bitchy reads! Honey, tell it until it is forever told! TELL IT!! A bitch lives for this kind of accuracy.

I too was thinking about Independence and liberty and shit. It may come as a surprise to many of you, but a bitch is a pretty big fan of the July 4th holiday. Not only does it include grilled beast and the mass consumption of alcohol, it also celebrates a tiny group telling The Man to fuck off. I love that shit!

This year a bitch is dragging ass into the holiday. It’s true! I’m fucking exhausted. This is not so much a physical exhaustion as a mental exhaustion. After giving it some thought, my ass has come to the conclusion that carrying the burden of an enlightened mind is generally exhausting. This shit has not improved my mood at all.

A bitch needs a plan…

Things ABB Plans to Do To Maintain Her Sanity In the Modern World

Use the word no. A bitch is too eager to please. From now on, my ass plans to say no when I want to, which is often. No, I don’t want to do a favor for you. No, I don’t like that movie. No, you can’t sit next to me. And no, it wasn’t good and I won’t be calling your ass again…

Stop helping out when my ass doesn’t want to help out. A bitch is always trying to help motherfuckers out. Fuck it! It’s a dog eat dog world. A bitch fucking extends herself and assholes just take more. And can a bitch get some reciprocity? Hell no! From this day forward a bitch is doing what she wants to do and holding motherfuckers accountable. My ass if fed up with the lack of appreciation anyway.

Speak shit into being. It’s time to return to the space of positive thinking and declarations. From now on, a bitch will speak my wants into existence. It works. A certain Mr. Thurman is always speaking shit into existence. Okay, so he has powers. That doesn’t mean that my ass can’t develop some fucking skills too…

Stop lying. A bitch is always trying to spare peoples feelings. See, my ass used to be “too honest”. After several vicious confrontations in college, a bitch began to get more political and less accurate. Fuck that shit! Other people seem to feel empowered to be honest like a motherfucker with me. Well hold on, ‘cause the bitch has some reciprocity for that shit stored up.

This Independence Day a bitch is taking control!

Be safe...

Be free...

and be a bitch…