Monday, February 28, 2005

And the Oscar goes to.......

What a fabulous night of Hollywood glamour?!? I gorged myself on the multitude of Star Fucking exploits. The evening began with the pre-show featuring the one and only Star Jones.

Star to Maria Full of Grace actress: (note that question was stated in slow overly pronounced loud English because Star thought the Columbian actress couldn't speak English) "I was told that your father is a veterinarian. I just have to know, do you like dogs and cats and all those animals?"

Maria full of Grace lady with unbelievable restraint: "Yes."

You've just got to love it! The prep. work for this kind of event must be beyond daunting!

The Oscar frenzy spilled over into the morning shows with Katie displaying her undercover anchor skills in the now signature Coach evening bag Katie Cam! You can't make this shit up. Katie took said cam to the Vanity Fair party where she kissed ass while announcing to everyone "I've got a camera in my handbag!". Gonzo journalism is truly dead.

Katie takes the Star Fucking prize with her mix of aging anchor she-cat playa-hating & step below stalker anxious approval seeking interview with Hillary Swank post 2nd Oscar win.

Katie: "Congratulations! You look amazing. I loved your performance in Million Dollar Baby, Hillary! So, do you feel that you are better at choosing movies now? Because, in the past, you've made some bad choices but it seems that now you've found your stride.". Commentary from Angry Black Bitch - Ooooh, that was bitchy! Backhanded I hate you because your talented and nice question of the year award winner, for sure!

Hillary: "Well, thank you Katie! I do feel that I've grown from the blah blah blah blah." ABB translation - I can't believe you went there B-Atch. But I understand why your such a she-bitch - I'd be pissed too if I was a NYC diva wanna be trapped in a perky girl next door persona. Whatever! My 2 Oscar havin ass is so outta here.

Total delight all around.

Other highlights.
Chris Rock's break down of the war in Iraq based on The Gap and Banana Republic. Classic.

Sean Penn trying to come off hard in defense of Jude Law's played out over exposed year of disappointing ticket sales. Defend the craft, my brother! Defend the craft!

Beyonce overload. Robin Williams with tape over his mouth (finally!). The sound of censors crying as Tim Robbins approached the mike. Audience diving award presentations. And the bloody Counting Crows. I thought they were all dead! Finished off with a Prozac dosed Dustin Hoffman and Babs dragging out the Best Picture presentation until you thought Scorcese would jump on stage and pimp slap them both!

Belch!

OMG! Overly full of tinsel town glamour. Loved it. Two thumbs up. Better than Cats. I smell Emmy!

Friday, February 25, 2005

Let the Star Fucking Begin!

I love celebrities and I love movies! With that out of the way, let me say that they still aren't all that. I don't star fuck, but there is nothing more enjoyable than watching others do it.

Star fucking, by my definition, is the best defined as a complete and literal act. Katie is a great example of a Star Fucker. When a star is on the show she engages in a lot of pre-sex set up - "I just love this next guest!" and "Brad is such a nice person, I can't wait to chat with him!". Although she's also good for a round of player-hating cattiness with the womens "Gosh, (insert star) you must spend all day in the gym to look like that" or "Do you ever get afraid of growing old and becoming irrelevant?". Usually, Katie star fucks like a pre-teen at an N-Sync concert. It escalates within the interview until you reach the point that you wouldn't be surprised if she jumped the poor soul!

Now we've got to suffer through Star Jones claiming that every Black actor is her "best friend" and dropping wedding hints like "I haven't see you since my wedding! Were you at the table sponsored by Visa or Evian?".

I long for the days of Joan Rivers sans Melissa. The original Bitch used to smile and gush, but never with sincerity. Following day you'd get a full write up that some called two-faced but I called fantastic! Her real achievement was being invited back and getting interviews from stars that she just slammed.

Which brings me to my final point - stars don't need to be fucked like that! Joan didn't have to be sincere, she just had to be accurate. Ahh, give me the good old days when the fashion mistakes of the Golden Globes were corrected by Ms. Rivers keepin it real post show. By the Oscars she had her bitches in check!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

H.W.J.D.?

How would Jesus Drive? He wouldn't. Duh!

I was just virtually run off the road by a neo-con in a mini van with ten - that's right -10 freakin "Vote Life/God" and "It's a Child not a Choice" bumper stickers on the back of her wide assed car. This proud member of the faithfull road my ass like (insert your own visual) down Kingshighway. I merged and the she-bitch got behind me again! Maybe her car was horny?

Anyway, she finally made St. Louis driving move #350, which is to speed up along side me then stare at me then swerve in front of me almost causing a massive five car pill-up when she slammed on her sanctified brakes and (Praise be to God!) got in front of my speed limit driving ass!

Now, is that how Jesus would drive? I wouldn't even know that she was a neo-con fascist-radical-genuflecting-false-saint-worshipping Catholic but for the ass of her car! Since this is the third time I've been run down (no, I don't have Kerry 2004 stickers on my car since I don't believe in bumper stickers) I'm just gonna assume that this is how the faithfull want to advertise. It's a life - as long as it's not in front of you on the way to mass!

Proposed AngryBlackBitch bumper stickers.....

Vote Death! Satan.
It's a money pit, not a child.
Pro-Porn!
Got Jesus? Then Drive Like It, Bitch!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Autism 101

My brother Bill is autistic, which is a disorder no one really knows anything about other than how it is displayed. Bill is the oldest, so my sister and I have always been around autistics and their families. Normal gets redefined when one has a brother with autism.

NBC has jumped on the autism train with a series titled "The Hidden Epidemic". Although I applaud NBC for taking on the issue, I am generally offended by phrases like "the deep personal toll taken on families' and blah, blah, blah. My family was going to be fucked whether Bill was "normal" or not, so I have no idea if the deep personal toll can be related to him or all the other drama we each brought to the table.

Just once, I'd like to see a severe autistic on t.v. rather than the high functioning genius who makes $30,000 on paintings of London. My brother is cool and I adore him. He has a limited vocabulary and his sign language has been "Bill-a-fied" so that it's hard for folks to understand. Bill can't tell you when his teeth hurt and he really can't stand doing "new" things. When he learned how to write his name it was the equivalent of a PhD and we were all so proud of him.

If NBC would like to do a real story on the toll autism takes, I'd be happy to sit down with them. I'd tell them about the 90% divorce rate among parents of autistics. I explain the physical and emotional drain of years spent teaching a child to say "no", "my name is ...." and "I live here". I'd give a detailed explanation of the fear and anxiety you feel when they don't learn "help" and they never get their address right.

I now worry about Medicaid cuts and job funding cuts. Yes, Bill works (shout out to Chic-Fil-A!! Y'all ROCK!!) and the funding for his job program is on the chopping block AGAIN this year. I'd like to ask the viewers of NBC how moral it is to tell a 34 year old autistic Black man who is ready for work at 4 am because he loves it so much that he's just screwed 'cause Bubba don't want no new taxes. Yeah, I get pretty emotional.

Hey Katie, do you really wanna know how emotional it is? Nah, I didn't think so. I don't wish autism on anyone, but it's not a plight - it's a state of reality. We don't pray for a cure and I haven't cried about it in years. Bill has a great life and sometimes he even makes time for a visit with me. But this "pro-family" agenda is taking a toll on my family. We don't need sympathy or Brian Williams mouthing off about new "treatments". I just want the state to get it's boot off my neck so I can be a sister for 5 minutes rather than an advocate 24/7.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Food for the Soul

To update y'all on my points/soul food situation. My co-worker Rob and I headed over to Delmonico's for lunch today. I had smothered chicken. mashed potatoes and stewed cabbage with a piece of corn bread. It was so good it made me want to jump up and smack somebody! I have not counted the points and really I don't intend to - why spoil it?

Rob had smothered pork steak and the same sides. He said it made him feel like he was home in Kentucky. Particularly the corn bread.

Delmonico's is a wonderful little slice of Black history here in STL, with embroidered quotes from the bible and pictures of MLK and Mike Tyson on the wall. It's the kinda place where people speak when they walk past you and portions are generous. I can't think of a better place to indulge my food cravings with a portion of Black folk's culture thrown in at no charge.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Points

I've been on Weight Watchers for four weeks and have been shedding pounds pretty successfully. I like the program because it allows me to eat a piece of fried chicken every now and then and I can save up points for a future event or holiday. I picked Weight Watchers because life isn't worth living without a french fry or chicken wing once in a while. Friends pitched me South Beach and Atkins, but I'm a Sistah and there is no way I'm living on vinaigrette and spinach or bacon for the rest of my life. And I am not going to gain and loose and gain again - this Angry Black Bitch can't afford to buy a new set of clothes every year.

For the last two weeks I've been saving points so I can eat something extra special yummy for my birthday tomorrow. I'm not terribly hungry on the diet, but I am nostalgic. Now, faced with trying to decide where to eat and what to indulge in I'm at a loss. What do I miss the most? Cheese cake or brownies? Fried chicken or smothered pork chops? This point based birthday indulgence has grown into a huge decision! What if I order some mac & cheese and it sucks?!? This has to be great, right? This has to be the meal of the century!!

And now comes an irrational anger at people who like spinach and turkey burgers. I hate them for not having to sacrifice anything because, by a simple quirk of fate, they like the "good" stuff. I resent KFC for ever making Extra Tasty Crispy chicken. And I really hate those people featured on the Weight Watchers web site who feel "great" and "actually enjoy non-fat Ranch dressing". Screw them. I miss eating trash and I miss the act of eating trash. Nothing compares to pulling up to the drive through window with NPR on the radio and rolling down the window - "I'll take a #1 with a pepper and an orange soda!". Ahhhh. Can you feel the joy?

Tomorrow I'm going to eat some soul food for lunch. Then I'll put a star on the calendar for the next food holiday, which should be Easter. While others go the church I will worship at the stove. Let's just hope they don't fuck up my birthday lunch or I might riot. Just imagine.....Angry Black Bitch holds soul food chef hostage - demands perfect collard greens on penalty of death!

Friday, February 18, 2005

Sanctified

Urgent News Alert!!! Missorians still seeking divorce due to lack of marriage sanctity awareness!

Last night a friend informed me that her divorce is taking longer than expected because of the demand for divorce in St. Louis City. What gives? It's been over 6 months since the citizens of Missouri voted to "protect traditional marriage" from the assault of ....well.....er....other Missourians trying to get married. Oh wait, gay Missourians trying to get married! So, why does it seem that 50% of married Missourians don't seem to have a "protected" marriage? I was soooo sure that divorce would end, families would stay whole and children would no longer try to kill their parents. But why come marriages still end, families still hate each other and children are still plotting to kill someone in their family for something?

Well, it pisses me off! Yeah, it makes me freakin' angry! If the State is going to deny the civil right of marriage to gays and lesbians the least Missourians can do is stay in their God aweful miserable unsatisfying sexually-drought-ridden freakin marriages. Is it a marketing failure? Maybe the protectors of traditional marriage should do an advertising campaign! Something like "Hey ASSHOLE! Stop fucking your neighbor's wife! Marriage is Sanctified 'Round Here!".

Do something, cause all this marriage ending post santification has got to be...well....sinful?

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Black History

Last night I was treated to an overview of an exhibit currently being featured at the Missouri History Museum on the Transatlantic Slave Trade. This exhibit is unique because is deals with the economic benefits of slavery and how slave labor helped build the Americas. Slavery is a touchy subject for some, but an emotional subject for most. It is a part of the collective history of every American and yes, it was the fuel that drove the engine of the American economy.

The curator clicked on a slide of neck, arm and leg irons. She said in a soft voice "we found remnants of sand in these irons". And I shuddered. My eyes grew moist. The lump that emerged in my throat was the result of a sad and hollow anger that lacks heat because it knows that this crime, like so many against humanity, will see no justice. Somehow the thought of sand being trapped in those irons made it clear that they held a human being who lived and walked and touched a beach in a state of bondage.

I am humbled by the fact that my ancestors overcame inconceivable fear, a horror that is the marriage of bondage and lost hope. Each year the history represented by those leg irons grows more distant and seems less real. But there was sand in them. People were bound by them. They raised their master's children, harvested our nations crops. That sand in those irons cries out to me "I was!" and I want to shout back in my AngryBlackBitch voice "Because of you, I am!".

Visit and explore the economic contributions of the African in America during slavery.

Captive Passage: The Transatlantic Slave Trade and the Making of the Americas at the Missouri History Museum. This free exhibit opened Sunday 2/6/05 and explores the role of the trade of Africans in the building of the Americas. The Missouri History Museum also has permanent exhibits on African American history and culture. On exhibit through August 2005.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Walking the Walk

Two years ago I moved back to St. Louis to be with my sister and brother. This was an easy decision to make. My time in Dallas had been fun and I grew both personally and professionally, but it was time to come home. The change in location motivated me to make some personal changes as well. I decided to get active in causes that mattered to me. I decided to walk the walk.

During the election cycle of 2004 I volunteered for several local groups. I also became active in an African American professional group, which has become my primary outlet for community service. The most amazing part of my new activism is that is was easy to do. The need for citizen involvement is truly great and I have been able to participate on every level.

But the fulfillment of activism brings with it frustration and disappointment. I was one of the few liberals who was thrilled to hear the call of 'moral values' during the 2004 election. No, I was not happy about the social judgment and attacks on civil rights that came along with it. But it was heartening to hear average citizens express concern for their communities and demand a voice in the political process. After November 4, I waited to see what all these community focused citizens would do. At the shelters I volunteer at for homeless teenage mothers, I waited to see bus loads of concerned Christian women show up and participate in the lives of young women who had chosen to have their children and now needed direction, a home and advice. And I waited in vain.

The easiest thing on Earth to do is to vote your values. Living them is another matter. I volunteer at two faith-based shelters for teenage mothers. One is run by a Catholic charity. And they are each in desperate need of donations and volunteers. So where are the moral value voters now? What are they up to? How are they walking the walk after convincing Missouri that family values were the correct moral values? Well, they are not volunteering at faith-based community organizations. I'd give my last dollar to see that bus pulling up this Thursday when I spend an hour teaching 10 brave young women the value of their vote and the role of politics in their life.

Walking the walk has it's rewards. It allows me to call out the value voters for the lazy hypocritical shits that they really are. Coating the conservative agenda in the gloss of family values was a smart move. They won. Now, every day they spend watching Joan of Arcadia rather than participating in the community they claimed to want to "protect" is a day they spend exposed as full of shit morality whores - yeah, whores who peddled their rhetoric to satisfy their lust of power.

Wanna shut me up? Walk the walk. The community you voted to "protect" is waiting.........

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Katie

This morning I engaged in my new ritual of trying to avoid the Today Show with little success. To clarify, it's really Katie that I can't stand anymore. Her voice, her constant star-fucking, her attempts to seem earnest by wearing glasses - I'm over all of it. But it really is hard to avoid her - I can't get beyond the whole Diane Sawyer/Nixon connection and CNN is still dabbling in that whole "let's get two pundits to yell at each other for 30 minutes" thang. FOX is out of the question - I finally trained my TiVo (otherwise known as The Precious) to resist the urge to record Channel 2. And let's face it, CBS is like torture.

So, between channel hopping I am exposed to the "Katie Experience". Today, it dawned on me that Katie has gotten away with a rather radical transformation. Why come she gets to metamorphasize like Michael Jackson and not be held accountable? Evidence of transformation - Katie has gone from a brunette to a honey blond with unfortunate frosting (I have insider confirmation that she does it to herself in a ritual that is much like cutting). Her lips have gone from non-existent to bow-shaped with a fleshy fullness about the top and sides. Also, any evidence of the aging process has been removed from the surface of her skin along with normal expressions or the ability to blink fully. Is it me, or would a side by side comparison of Katie 1998 and Katie 2005 be just as freaky as the Michael Jackson evolution?

Now, I don't like Katie C. for a lot of reasons. Recently she has engaged in this sad exploration of teen sex that makes her come off like the only virgin to emerge from the 1970's. She goes on and on about the impact of music and media on young girls self esteem and sexual identity. But what does the image of Katie C. tell our young people? Is the on-air battle between her skin and the ramifications of 20 years most likely spent tanning with oil sending a positive message to young women about aging or self esteem?

I think not. Rather, she is a sad representation of our new American physical image - freakishly tight, plump and over exfoliated. And she wonders why generation Y wants boob jobs for their graduation present. Katie, I know you see the connected between media and self esteem, but why can't you see the connection between your overblown emotionally desperate coverage of Ben & Jen and young women feeling lost without a man?

Wanna know why young girls will sell their souls for the fleeting rewards of vanity Katie? It's time to look at the anchor in the mirror. Make that change.......

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day has always gotten on my nerves. There's just something wrong about setting aside one day to be romantic or tell that special someone that you love them. It seems like we have to schedule our emotions based on the monthly reminders sent out through the Hallmark marketing machine. Whatever happened to sincere acts of affection or love?

Angry Black Bitch is issuing a Valentine's Day challenge! Be nice when you feel like it, not when the calendar prompts you to. Tell people you care, but only if you really do. And don't buy flowers because you are supposed to - buy them because you want to.

So, Happy Valentine's Day! This Angry Black Bitch is doing the same thing today that I do every Valentine's Day - pampering the hell out of myself and showering affection on me, myself and I.

Looking for love? Start with yourself!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Royal Rant

This post was my take on the announcement yesterday (2/10/05) of the engagement of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Welcome to my Blog!

Okay, so after years of refusing to join the blogger world I am now drinking the Kool-Aid. My wonderful co-worker Rob gave me Angry Black Bitch for my 32nd Birthday (2/22 for those that need to send presents or cards) and so here I am!

I hope to use this blog as an outlet for my numerous rants about things that frustrate or infuriate me. Basically, it's like therapy but cheaper.

So, welcome to my blog.