Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Election Day...

A bitch slept like a rock last night. Since this bitch suffers from insomnia, rock like sleeping is a rare thing! So, my ass woke up full of energy and infused with bitchitude…

2 cups coffee, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed and cigs…

A certain loyal reader sent a bitch an e-mail asking why my ass hasn’t weighed in on the riots in France. Well, a bitch doesn’t weigh in on anything without doing my research. This bitch will say that this turmoil is surprising, since France has done a good job projecting an image of internal peace and Frenchness. My ass is also fascinated because the media seems to be having a wee little breakdown on how to cover these riots. CNN has bounced back and forth between announcing another French Revolution and proclaiming that young Muslim youth have taken to the streets in a revival of West Side Story.

Either way, this bitch is still in observation mode. My ass learned to move with caution on such topics when this bitch mouthed off about Quebec succession several years back and incurred the wrath…and a rather detailed history lesson…of a certain Canadian friend.

Still stings.

Anyhoo, that’s why a bitch hasn’t weighed in. You’ll be the first to know if my ass moves from observation mode to bitchitude on the topic…

This bitch is trying to get excited about election day. My life has been so fucking chaotic…and a bitch doesn’t adjust well to chaos…that this election snuck up on me. Shit, a bitch didn’t even realize it was coming up until my ass received several e-mails requesting volunteers to get out the vote. Well, today is the big day and political strategists are watching to see if Scooter has coat tails or if his ass has gone lame early in the second term game.

Missouri has a few ballot initiatives going and some important races in districts my ass can't vote in, but all eyes are on the Virginia and New Jersey governor races. Republicans and Democrats took off the gloves and proceeded to beat the living shit out of each other. Advertising has included references to candidate’s infidelity and attacks against candidate’s religious views. A whole lot of people have spent a ton of money to tear each other to pieces.

So, now what?

Oh yeah…go forth and vote oh weary citizen!

A bitch is concerned. Who the fuck are these candidates anyway? And what do they stand for?

If this is a taste of what we have to look forward to in 2006 my ass is seriously concerned!

My ass has decided that this is all a matter of really bad advertising and a product from hell!

ABB’s Political Advertising Critique…
Basically, both political parties need new advertising agencies. You both have been marketed wrong! But republicans are really suffering…they just haven’t faced the music because dems aren’t in a position to challenge them.

See, if a republican political ad were like a burger commercial…

“Our competitor doesn’t make burgers! No, he says he makes burgers but in reality he makes SANDWICHES. And we all know who eats sandwiches…TERRORISTS! That’s right. Do you want to eat like a terrorist? No!

So come on by Republican Burgers R Us and eat like a real American!”

Now, that kind of spin may work in the short hall. But, if your burgers are nasty as a motherfucker people will simply stop coming. Shit, how many nasty burgers must a person eat to be a loyal American? They may not head over to the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe, but that doesn’t mean they won’t go home and skip eating out altogether!

In response to the quick burn out of the Terrorist Love Sandwiches campaign, y’all introduced a new angle…Jesus eats Burgers! And it worked pretty well in 2004. People who had stopped eating at Republican Burgers R Us were drawn back in by the opportunity to eat like Jesus!

But how long will that shit last?

Really…when a Jesus Burger costs 10 trillion dollars? Who can afford to eat like the Savior these days?

So, now y’all are back to your 1991 campaign…Eat at Republican Burger’s R Us because Liberal Sandwiches Suck! Which is stupid, because the only way a person can really know if you are better is by trying the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe!

Y’all have lucked out, because the Liberal Sandwich Shoppe has fucked up on their customer service for a few years. Folks have visited and been told that the Shoppe thought about selling burgers only until they decided to not sell burgers but they never supported burgers...just the right for the other sotre to explore burgers and come back with more information...but the data on burgers was flawed so now they are back to selling sandwiches.

But what happens if they rehab their customer service and launch the Republican Burgers Are Foul and We Have Our Act Together Now campaign? Consumers, sick to death of your rancid burgers and hungry as hell, may just give them a try. Word will spread and y’all will be sitting on the curb babbling incohernatly about the good ole days and how you should have made every customer sign a contract with America to eat burgers for life.

Yep, y’all need a new campaign and a new product.

How about some Fiscal Responsibility Fries and a Financially Sound Social Security Milk Shakes?

Oh, whatever...this bitch may just go Vegan...

5 comments:

Chris said...

I think the dems will be talking about eating in "moderation" come 2006.

nostradumass said...

excellent metaphor! hopefully the republicans keep pushing it even after it's well known their burgers are 100% grade A mad cow.

weird-ass denver--i voted last week so now i'm on pure spectator mode. but i don't think this election is nearly as important for the mid-term elections as scooter's actions over the next year... but we shall see.

Victrix said...

Ohmigod, ABB, you are priceless, absolutely mofo'ing PRICELESS!

Mr. Brian said...

this was absolutely brilliant!

Qivan said...

I find it ironic that the Riots in France are happening because of how non-French immigrants are being treated, yet in Canada the French are always upset about howthey are treated because they are the minority.



Ain't Karma a bitch?
I'm half French so I can say this.