Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Some shit that pisses a bitch off...

After beating the living shit out of The Prince of Darkness, a bitch must confess that my new dream-based submissive is working out very well! He’s so resistant to correction! A bitch predicts that it may be months before he submits to my will and begins to bore me. With some regret, this bitch left The Prince of Darkness chained to the dungeon wall and woke up to begin my bitchy day…

Coffee (1% organic milk and Splenda) Claritin, cigs…oh no! A bitch is out of ephedrine-based decongestants! Lawd, what ever shall I do? A trip to the best pharmacy in the world is in order…

Yesterday, one of the lazy assed bitches my ass volunteers with through my black woman’s group sent this bitch an e-mail. Our group is scheduled to volunteer this weekend and a certain slack-mouthed heifer wanted to express concern over the possibility that she may break a sweat. After building her a new asshole in reply, a bitch began thinking of bougie bitches and their drama. Then my ass began to think about other shit that gets on my nerves. Sometimes, we get so caught up in global bullshit that we fail to make note of the bullshit we wade through in our communities…

Bougie Bitches and their drama…
Why the fuck are you driving a $60,000 automobile if you can’t afford the car note? Why are you looking at me like I’m supposed to be impressed with that shit? Fuck you and fuck your car while you’re at it!! Look at you, kneeling down on the fucking pavement so that you can dust off your rims. Lawdy, did a speck of dust get on my precious darling BMW? Perish the though…perish it! It’s a car, asshole! It doesn’t make you accomplished or special…it just made you broke!

When will you realize that this bitch just doesn’t give a shit? Look at me…do I look like a slave to fashion? A bitch is not impressed with your empty ass Prada bag! And you can’t even pronounce Louis Vuitton! Shit, my ass doesn’t really give a shit what you spend your money on…if it makes you happy, go for it! But stop flashing that shit in my face! It doesn’t really register as anything other than another bougie assed bitch trying to get a bitch to playa hate over something I simply do not covet. Show a bitch an Alexander McQueen fashion whip with diamond studs and my brown eyes might turn green…

When you sign up to volunteer outside in St. Louis in August your dumb ass should assume heat…mind numbing heat…humid and evil “God has forsaken me” heat…bitch! 60 years ago your ass would be well accustomed to summer labor, so check the snob reflex. Put on some grubby clothes (borrow if you have to, you fucking priss), pick up a hammer and help build a house for a member of our community who is trying to take a step forward. You sure as shit can bitch about the housing problem, so channel that energy into something. Just think of the calories you’ll burn and stop the bullshitting about the heat! This bitch knows that you are carrying so much debt that you are one firing away from needing some housing assistance your damn self!

Bitching without cause…
This bitch would like to put a stop to motherfuckers mouthing off without cause! A bitch watched the Today Show this morning and Al Roker was sent out on the street to conduct an impromptu citizenship test. When people are born here they are automatically citizens, but everyone else has to pass a test. This bitch has taken the test and it is pretty basic, but the average motherfucker doesn’t even know who the first President of the United States was or who served as President during the Civil War. So, when ignorant bigots start getting riled up about the new citizen populations in America this bitch gets confused. If we all had to pass the citizenship test this Friday how many of us would pass? Let’s try it shall we? Let’s have everyone gather at Busch Stadium and take the test…those who pass get to stay and those that don’t have their rights suspended until they do. This bitch is pretty sure that the new citizens would kick the ass of the “native born”. Unless you are Native American, your ass or the asses of your ancestors immigrated here. This bitch’s people were forced on the boat, but on the boat they were tossed and the boat came to Virginia. Slavery is not an excuse for failing the citizenship test. If anything, the Civil Rights movement and the Suffrage movement should be motivators to fucking pass the hell out of that test! Either way, people need to stop bitching about immigrants…they have got to be better than the assholes we’ve got living here now…

Presidential polls…
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! A bitch told you "W is for winning" fuckers that Scooter was a dumb ass! You were told! So why are you so surprised that he’s gone and fucked everything up? What do you expect him to do? Do you really think Scooter is going to wake up tomorrow at the Ranch, turn to Laura and say “Jesus, I’ve got it all wrong! What the fuck have I been thinking?” No, motherfuckers! This is the fucker y’all were so protective of and so bloody proud of. And, Gawd help us all, he’s doing what he fucking told you shits he’d do if re-elected. A bitch wants y’all to meditate on this, take fucking notes, give to the Devine One in prayer and promise to never do it again! He sucked before, he sucks now and he will only continue to suck. Best of all, Scooter’s lame duck ass doesn’t have to respond to your polls…he can just go on sucking and fucking and blowing shit up. So, thank you for waiting until after the election to evaluate the policies of Scooter. Way to go, motherfuckers!

Whew.

My ass doesn't give a damn if that was good for you, 'cause it was fantabulous for me...

11 comments:

Spexial said...

LMMFAO!!! girl i love your fuckin blog for real..

what gets me the most about those dumb bitches is that they have all these fancy clothes, fancy cars and don't own a house..living in an apartment or better yet, the fuckin projects and live paycheck to paycheck..dumb ass whores

the dubya as i call his stupid ass..574837592 middle fingers to his stupid ass and all the fucking people that didn't pay attention and are now complaining...you got what the fuck you asked for idiots!!!!!

Tiger Lilly said...

Oh My Gawd! I need to stop laughing and re read that. I swear you were put on this earth to make folks crap their pants.

CrankyProf said...

That ornery spirit must be out and about today; everyone's getting into the shit. My LORD. But keep preaching it...

I think you ought to have a gallon of vodka/cran and go lie up in the a/c somewhere. Preferably while planning new ways to whip up on the Prince of Darkness.

Jim said...

You are too entertaining! I may have to drive the two hours from Columbia to stalk you! Keep it up!

-Your newest fan

It's Me, Maven... said...

spexial, that's what I *don't get* either. Driving around in a fancy ass car while you're in the projects/on welfare/whatever. Don't the welfare or county folks do spot checks on those who are on the public dole? I mean, how can someone living in the projects afford a 60K Beemer? *cough cough it can't be from selling drugs or ho-ing for dollars, now would it? cough cough**

Where's a good IRS audit when you need one? :)

Shark-fu said...

NuggetMaven, you know that hos don't claim that shit on taxes! And this bitch won't even take a bet that there has been a crack dealer listed under employment on a 1040.

Damn, y'all just got me fired up again!

monkey said...

good gawtdamn!

if i could just harness your energy and ability to seduce the masses, the world would be mine. ;)

if a motherfuker wants to be livin' in the projects (any h.u.d. property) and driving a sparkly-ass bmw, you know the car isn't registered to them. in cali they do dmv and banking background checks. even my hoopty ford (sorry, sadie) would be too much ride. sad but true.

abb, you had me at--" a certain slack-mouthed heifer wanted to express concern over the possibility that she may break a sweat". i didn't crap my pants, but pretty close! then i thought, shit, we work with the same lady?!

Alexander said...

You...go...girl!!!

Jeff said...

Do it again! Do it again! ::snort/giggle::

Maidink said...

The bougie!! I love it!

Sangroncito said...

you are fuckin' brillant! I love your writing.