Last night a bitch had a dream. Sometimes my ass dreams of beating the literal shit out of The Prince of Darkness or Rick Santorum or Karl Rove (love to hurt you, darlings), but not always. Every now and then, this bitch dreams about the dark underbelly of power. As my ass slumbers with a frown on my face (a bitch even sleeps angry), my mind sees meetings and evil at work…
ABB’s Account of Last Night’s Truth Seeing Dream…
The group gathered to discuss the current state of Scooter’s poll numbers. Scooter was trying his best to look serious, but all he could think about was the bike ride he had to postpone for this fucking bullshit.
“Karl, I just don’t understand why my fucking poll numbers matter! I’m a two termer! What the fuck can these…what are they called…voters do now?” he whined.
“Shut up an finish your tuna sandwich, you dumb ass. I told you never to question my authority. Not that you’d understand, but we have an agenda that I’m not done executing it. So, your poll numbers matter. Jesus to Gawd, I should have gone after your brother!” Karl snapped in frustration.
Scooter took to his corner and entered his cage as the others entered the room. Karl nodded at Rumsfeld and Rumsfeld kicked the meeting off with a quick recap of Scooter’s dwindling poll numbers.
“Scooter is below 50% in all the polls. Basically, we are fucked on our plan to cripple the masses and establish an American aristocracy. Now, I propose…”
Karl quickly cut him off by standing up and slapping him sharply across the face.
“How many times do I have to tell you not to think and not to propose? Sit down, shut up and fucking listen. His numbers are down because we slipped and allowed the people to see the inevitable failure of the war. We need to refocus. Guilt and fear are our most powerful weapons. We need to find a way to associate “protest” and “doubt” with being un-American and we also need to kick up some motherfucking fear about the children of the middle class being drafted.”
Rumsfeld, flanked by Scooter’s minions, leaned forward and allowed the drool to flow.
“I have proactively leaked several confusing stories to the press.” Karl continued. “These stories have created some serious confusion about troop withdrawals and our definition of success in this war. The people will fear a draft and support the war believing that it can be “won” and that, by winning it quickly, their children will not face a draft. However, we have failed to win hearts and minds! We must promote an image of happy troops willingly serving in this fucked up war!” Karl turns and pins the minions with an icy glare.
“Master, how do we do that? We have run out of ideas!” they say in a chorus of confusion.
“First, you should learn that I run this fucking show! I got us into the White House and I masterminded the second term victory." Karl pauses for impact. “I have contacted the idiots at the Today Show. They are sending Matt Lauer to Baghdad to meet with the troops. Lauer is the ultimate soft interviewer. He will be our guy in Baghdad!” Karl’s face shifts into a soft smile while the minions cheer!
My ass woke up and shuddered. Jesus!
2 cups of coffee with organic milk and multitudes of Splenda, 1 Claritin, 2 Sudafed (the real shit, damnit) and cigs…
Hands shaking and heart racing, I turned on the Today Show.
To my shock and horror, the Today Show was coming live from Baghdad! Matt Lauer was tossing lame assed questions to the troops! Lawd have mercy!
Lauer, looking drugged and hypnotized, to General Casey “Are you worried about the insurgency?”
Casey, looking like he was the one who hypnotized Lauer “Ultimately, the Iraqi’s will be the ones to defeat the insurgency.”
ABB, mouth open and eyes bugging out, screams at the television set “What the fuck? This bitch heard you shits say that we would win the war against the insurgency just a few weeks ago! Now, you tell us that the Iraqi National Army will win the war? Jesus, you’re not even trying to sound different than those fucks that masterminded Vietnam! For the love of all that’s holy, Lauer hit him with a question…something…anything!”
Lauer, with sparks coming out of his ears from malfunctioning “Are you worried about troop morale?”
General Casey, looking pleased that his hypnotizing skills were still sharp “Look at them. Just look at them, Matt. These young people are serving with pride and they just want the support of their fellow Americans!”
A bitch closed her eyes and sighed.
Who needs the Stars and Stripes when you've got NBC willing to bamboozle the masses at 7am on a fucking Wednesday?