Friday, July 29, 2005

All the President's Minions...

A bitch had a fantastic sleep last night! My dream consisted of a round of punishment for Rickie Santorum (you naughty, bitter little shit) and an equal portion of correction for Ann Coulter (you faux Aryan neo-fascist ho)! In my dream I was frightfully thin, sitting on an ornate throne and eating the best fucking Philly cheese steak sandwich in the history of all cheese steaks (extra peppers, hold the sauce). After beating Ann (just a dream, oh curious blog reader with the federal domain name), a bitch consumed an entire gooey butter cake!

Damn, the random things one encounters while awake really do influence your dreams!

Needless to say, a bitch woke up hungry as hell!

My ass settled down with my usual coffee, Claritin, medi-phedrine and cigs. Out of habit, a bitch switched on the Today Show, but quickly punched in CNN because those fucks at the Today Show are a bunch of programming bigots who refuse to cover Latoyia Figueroa. Even though this is a story right up their alley…if she were rich and white and missing on a fucking island after a night of drinking. Fuck them, their producer (bigot) and the entire NBC News team!

Not that a bitch is bitter.

CNN it is! Miles O’Brian is a doll. A bitch adores him, but my ass is concerned with the change in Soledad now that she is sitting next to Miles. My ass watched in horror as Soledad latched on to a curious angle of the Breaking News out of London. It seems that Soledad really wanted clarification on the jumpsuits worn by the police conducting the raid. And my ass means really want to know. She had a slight live meltdown and proceeded to drill the poor soul providing terrorism analysis for 5 minutes.

“But what about the jump suits?” and “I’m still curious about the jumpsuits!”

Enough. Let it go, for the love of all that is holy!

A bitch’s TiVo finger itched to switch channels but resisted the temptation.

Miles took over, thanks be to the Devine One, and the news moved forward.

A bitch is fascinated by one story in particular this morning. It seems that Mr. Bolton of the evil assed screaming like a fiend while running you down in the hallway of a Russian hotel yet nominated as ambassador to the U. N. Boltons, is connected to the web of lies surrounding the CIA leak investigation. Chil’ren, this shit is starting to heat up!

Bolton of the freakishly angry Boltons lied on his Senate questionnaire about whether he had been interviewed in connection with an investigation in the last 5 years. Fantabulous! A bitch is all but certain that Scooter is going to toss the red faced Bolton a recess appointment, but this added cover-up angle is just juicy!

Please, please, please let there be a secret taping system! PLEASE!

ABB’s CIA Leak Plot Hypothetical Breakdown
Wilson goes to Africa at the behest of the Executive Branch and returns with clarification that Niger has no glowing material. Scooter’s minions are not pleased and boldly discount Wilson’s evidence, writing the State of the Union speech with source material that they pulled out of their ass. Wilson sees the State of the Union speech, picks up the phone and attempts to alert the minions to their error.

The minions tell Wilson to go fuck himself!

Wilson, pissed off beyond belief, writes a blazing editorial calling out the minions and their bullshit story about Niger. Scooter, confused, asks minions “What up, dudes?” The W-Minion squad soothes Scooter, give him his medication and put him down for a nap. Minions, with Karl (bitch, you are due some punishment, you naughty submissive) and Scooter #2 (unfortunate that his nickname is Scooter, but what can a bitch do) decide to practice a little correction of their own on Wilson. The W-Minions, Karl (bad, bad boy) and Scooter #2 (shadowy shit) call in Bolton of the anger management deficient Boltons for background.

Meeting in a dark parking garage outside of Washington, they gather in Scull & Bones frocks…

W-Minions, in hushed tones “What ever are we to do? They are fucking up our case for War! We want our war! We need this war!”

Karl, slapping the W-Minions sharply about the face “Pull your asses together! Now is the time for leadership! You’ll get your war, you little shits. Scooter #2, tell them the deal.”

Scooter #2, looking the very image of Satan “Go after his wife! Bolton tells me his wife is connected, so she won’t be able to refute anything we say. Spin it that Wilson is disgruntled and his feminist wife sent him off to Niger to sabotage Scooter’s war. She’ll take the fall and Wilson will be reminded that we can have him and his wife erased at anytime. Go after his wife!”

Bolton, excited by the thought of tearing a woman down and seeing her suffer “Yes! Yes!” he hisses.

Scooter #2, taking out his Blackberry “I know just the Satanic freak for the job.”

Karl, Bolton and the W-Minions in unison “Who?!?”

Scooter #2, looking up and pausing for impact “Why the freak who signed his name in the Master’s book 40 years ago…Novak!”

And their fiendish laughter sang out through the parking garage.

Somewhere in Virginia (just guessing), Wilson shuddered and hugged his wife closer.

“Honey, the devil is up to no good tonight…”

Fuck it all; this will make a fantastic movie!

All the President’s Minions, by ABB…

13 comments:

Tiger Lilly said...

I wanted to boycott the news with you, but I left NBC on. They talked about Latoiya for about 30 seconds, while they spent far more time talking about Aruba...and the hair that wasn't hers...and her parents...and showed more footage of her and her rhythmless dance/flag troupe (not that I want to be mean to the girl because I hope she is found, but enough alreay. She isnt the only one).

Shark-fu said...

Thanks for the update Tiger Lilly. Another reader sent me an e-mail to update me on NBC's non-coverage and 30 seconds seems to be the consensus. The boycott continues! They have no shame and, if this bitch has anything to say about it, they will have no ratings.

Fight the power!

CrankyProf said...

The local news is on this shit...and sad to say, her trifling boyfriend is looking good for foul play. Check it out:

http://www.nbc10.com/news/4776244/detail.html

If he DID do something, I hope they string him up by his barely-there balls.

Chicago Socialista said...

"a bitch consumed an entire gooey butter cake!"

Totally OT but...can gooey butter cake be found anywhere but STL? I've lived here in CHI for just over a year and no one knows what the fvck gooey butter cake is...it's almost frightening... B!tch on, sister! I love your sh!t.

Chicago Socialista said...

Speaking of boycotting NBC...I've boycotted them since 1999. The only thing I miss is laughing at Tim Russert on MTP.

Crystal-Lynn said...

Gooey Butter Cake

1/2 cup butter
1 box yellow cake mix
3 eggs
1 - 8 oz. package of cream cheese
1/2 t almond extract
4 cups of confectioners' sugar

Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease one 9x13 cake pan. Melt butter. Empty cake mix into a large bowl. Stir melted butter, along with one egg, into the cake mix. Press mixture into pan. In a large bowl, mix cream cheese, almond extract, confectioners sugar and the remaining two eggs. Beat for three minutes with an electric mixer set on medium high speed. Spread over top of the cake mixture in the pan. Bake at 350 for 35-45 minutes until golden brown on top. Allow cake to cool. Dust the top with confectioners sugar. (Cake will be gooey on the top, so don't overbake!)

CrankyProf said...

Oh, GOD, thats ounds good. Weight Watchers be damned, I may have to make that.

As an aside, the blogs are rolling for LaToyia. See mine for details. We're spreading the word, even if the national media is dropping their britches and the ball on this one.

monkey said...

abb, i think i am the culprit on the fed domain name ('cept now blogging from the pc). i work for a non-profit that does job training and placement for disabled adults. we're contracted out at a federal facility. and i use that damn work computer every chance i get.
so let's just say the man gets enormous tax breaks by contracting disabled adults to clean and maintain their site.
scandalous, yes, surprising, no.

cyrstal--thanks for the recipe. my portagee ass had no idea what was in the gooey butta cake, and i feel fatter for just having read the ingredients.

Shark-fu said...

Whew! Thanks for the confession Monkey! A bitch was convinced that the man was building on the already extensive case file titled
The Bitch Threat!

Lots of love!

A bitch plans to get Crystal to make that gooey yummy cake this weekend...

Crystal-Lynn said...

You're welcome Monkey. It's fattening because it's a St. Louis specialty! We're usually in the Top 5 fattest cities in those hateful annual surveys.

monkey said...

abb, i bet you were sweating bullets over the domain, sorry! for the most part, 99% of the sites i attempt to view are blocked by the govt. such as anything having to do with queers, sex (even seemingly innocent craigslist "free" adds are blocked. can a monkey just get a free flower pot now and again? damn), gambling, games (can't view verizons ring tone page). a monkey gets bored at work, and reads the news on-line, and of course, your blog.
didn't know stl was top gunning for fat cities and here i live in bicycle/baby-olied-phag-gym-bot-land of san francisco... when all i do is dream of hush puppies, a good fish fry, and ribs. sigh.

Shark-fu said...

Monkey, you need to come visit! We'll hook you up with some ribs and butter cake! Oh, and 15 extra pounds. A bitch likes to think that we need the weight to survive the winter...

Fuck it, my ass is off to the grocery to buy catfish for frying!

monkey said...

oh, how you taunt with talk of catfish.
this morning i made a breakfast that i will forever more refer to as "the heart-stopper". this consisted of one diced tamale (from the lady down the street), one egg (scrambled), garlic, halapeno cheese, with tabasco. this is mixed together and a side of bacon. a nice cup of leaded coffee, and i might even make it to the farmer's market today, if my arteries don't clog on the way.