Friday, June 24, 2005

A bitch is back...

Hello my darlings! I’m back from my brief mental vacation and a bitch is diving straight in…

Last night, while I was beating Karl Rove…just the way he likes it (handcuffed, arms and legs stretched out wide, and paddled over and over and over), a bitch’s mind moved on to the gleeful anticipation of Tom Cruise blowing himself up on the Today Show Friday morning. I haven’t anticipated a television segment this much since Oprah facilitated Cojo’s Revenge! As I paddled, a bitch simply couldn’t stop wondering how ugly Tom would be. Would Tom molest that child on television? Would Katie Holmes make a break for it? My beating took on an evil vengeance, as I got more and more excited about Friday….

What?

Oh, the beating of Karl Rove thing?

Haven’t you ever had the same dream over and over? A bitch beats Rove in full Technicolor almost every night.

ABB – wet black leather

Karl – pasty and buck-naked.

Sigh.

I like to think that he enjoys it as much as I do.

Moving forward…

A bitch shot up with a smile this morning. Coffee was made and the television prompted.

And there was Matt Lauer…and Tom…and Katie Holmes, looking very Patty Hearst meets Kristy McNichol.

Highlights include, but are not limited to…

“I’m just living my life.”, which made a bitch wonder is Tom is in the midst of a tragic remake of Madonna’s Truth or Dare. Love that movie....love it!

“It comes down to the movie. It always comes down to the movie…” Yes Tom. Sadly, it does.

But nothing could compare to the sparing match that took place in Segment 2 between Matt and Tom. A bitch has to give it to Cruise…he’s unrepentant. But his defiant defense of his position on post partum depression and psychology just rubbed my black ass the wrong way.

Tom, a bitch would like to chat with you. See, I feel that you mistake diction for education. Saying something with passion does not make it fact. Using “special science” to denounce psychology doesn’t make your point. And getting that mad over someone not agreeing with your opinion…well, that makes you look like a cultish freak. Sorry, honey. It does.

A bitch is not a defender of the over-prescription of meds to children. But my ass sure knew a few kids in school that needed something…whisky or vodka or ritilin…something!

What really pisses me off is the assumption that only "Tom Cruise" and his minions have “done the research” into psychology and meds and life and evolution and so on and so on. You pretentious fuck! You uneducated ignorant little shit! I know binge drinking frat boys who have a greater grasp of psychology than your ass. Jesus, have you ever even sat through Psych 101?

Tom, have you ever been in the room with a hyperactive child? Not “he needs to run more” hyperactive. No, my ass is referring to “Jesus, this lil'shit isn’t normal!!” hyperactivity. The kind that makes parents consider murder…seriously. No, I didn’t think so.

But you don’t care, do you Tom? You’re just living your life and vocally judging anyone who thinks or does differently than you do. It’s that hypocrisy that pisses me the fuck off. You sit there looking like a strung out freak mouthing off about how you don’t think about other people or what other people think about you. Then your dumb ass launches into a tirade on what other people do. Like you have some sort of PhD. in the science of life…which you don’t… you dumb fucking shit!

Yes, Tom. It does come back to the movies. Your movies suck. So a bitch would like to recommend that you cease molesting chil’ren and ranting against evildoers. How about picking up acting? You haven't done that for years! Or go be happy behind closed doors. Fuck you and your strung out new fuck of the week.

It all comes down to the movie, Tom.

It's all about the movie...

21 comments:

BarefootCajun said...

Oh thank Goddess you're back! I have been anticipating your take on that interview all morning since I'm at work and couldn't watch it myself. I have heard some of the outtakes and what I get from what he said is Tom Cruise = Ass Hat.

JohnBallgame said...

Can't say I agree with everything you write. But have to say you nailed the Tom Cruise, Self-Appointed Religious Expert to the World right on the head. That is some good stuff. I wrote something about that creep a couple of days ago. Check it out.

dmfinny said...

Welcome back girl! A bitch was feenin' harrd...

Sucks when you believe your PR machine, don't it? Between Tom's believing he is the love child of L. Ron Hubbard and Jerry Falwell, and Oprah's "just another nigger" experience in Paris, ya gotta love being a mere mortal sometimes.

This bitch is off to be a mere mortal at some depraved Pride celebration this wknd.

This Guy said...

*Sighs with relief*

This was worth your mini sabbatical!

TheFirst said...

ABB, I'm glad your back. I've missed you. Tom Cruise is an ass and AMEN to everything you wrote today.

Dirk the Feeble said...

But he did Cocktail!

CrankyProf said...

He only did "Cocktail" because he heard the first syllable of the title and said, "Yes, please!"

Nemebabe said...

Oy...I just wish these people would realize that Hubbard made up a religion so he could laugh at people who believed it.

Welcome back! :)

Catherine Vocalist said...

I'm scared of you! :)

Welcome back!

Eva said...

Thank goodness! I felt like I was at a concert waiting for the main attraction to come on stage...

Hate I missed the second half of that interview, Katie really did look like a stepford wife when the camera panned to her on the sofa.

Glad you are back!

disgruntled said...

When I heard the drama with Tom and Madelyn (I mean Matt), I had to rush over. You hadn't yet posted but I'm glad you jumped right on it.

Ain't that some hot shit though? The nerve of your celebrity status to give you rights to talk about someone or something that you know nothing about.

When I adopt a vagina and push ten pounds of life out my ass and get depressed afterwards, then I'll make comments. Until then, I will shut the hell up and let these post partum chicks drug up, frollick in the park, or do whatever they want to get over that feeling!!!

Silly Prick! Go back to sucking cock behind warehouses.

Mighty MaMa said...

I'm glad your back. You made me laugh! A much needed laugh. Have a great weekend!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I said this once on my own blog, and I'll say it here. I'm tired of feeling like some kind of pivot/target person in the media circle jerk when it comes to shit like Tiny Tom. I could give a shit less if he's bouncin' with Katie or if he's on the down-low (it IS hyphenated, isn't it?). Obviously the media and the movie outlets all are vying for our money, and will manipulate us however they think they can to get the almighty buck. As of late, between the Angelina/Jennifer/Bradd debacle and the Cruise/Katie machines... I truly could give a shit less who's fucking who, who's happy etc with their life or not. Obviously it's all flash in place of substance. Rather than actually putting out movies of actual talent or substance, they're now relying upon the external drama (most of it contrived and invented) that divorces and homewrecking can bring.

I, for one, am opting out of the media/movie circle jerk, and will not spend my hard earned money on Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Batman, or War of the Worlds. And I am hoping that the general public is savvy enough to do the same.

PS: ABB, thanks for putting a finer point on Tiny Tom's vehement & vocal INTOLERANCE and IGNORANCE that he's wrapped up and presented to the public as if it were an ACTUAL RELIGION.

kara said...

tom cruise makes me want to beat him with my psychology degree. it's a little brand of therapy i've come up with, a bit of an offshoot of my very own Slap Therapy.

fahren said...

L. Ron Hubbard committed suicide. I wonder what he knew that Tom doesn't.

monkey said...

my gaydar damn near breaks every time i catch a glimpse of tom's fleshy girl ass. any "straight" man with a girl booty is either your local boyscout troop leader or a priest.
abb, thanks for keepin' it real and posting snibbits from the morning shows, because my slack ass never wakes up in time to view them.
back to tom. his uneducated and uniformed rants on medicine have me wishing he'd develop elephantitis of the nuts. what then tom, haul them around in a wheelbarrow and HOPE it clears up on its own? me thinks not.
tom is a creepy guy with a creepy ass, and firchrisskaes, quit kissing on katie. the only thing that parallels in creepiness was the mtv kiss of michael and lisa marie.

JPH said...

I especially loved your vivid descriptions of the Karl Rove BDSM fantasy... "Wet black leather" and "Pasty" go brilliantly together as you already know...

Did you write about Katie fuckface interviewing the bug-eyed bride? I missed that one but if I can make a request- that would be it.

After Matt L. fucking up Risky-bizness Tom I might just have to start liking him again- liking Matt of course. It's hard for ME to watch the TOday show because I can't handle being furious before 11am.

It's Me, Maven... said...

PS: Who the fuck does Tiny Tom think he is? Last time I checked he doesn't have a PhD... what a smug, intolerant fuck!

Kirsti said...

the world needed to hear that. now e-mail it to tom cruise.

jules said...

I wish Tom would let the real Katie out of the closet he has her locked in. The Katie!bot is just so sad.

Did you see this blow-by-blow take of the interview?
http://tinyurl.com/7ngjj
Too Funny

Eva said...

Ok, so since NBC has taken every advantage to play up Part II with Matt and Tom, I had a chance to see for myself what the nonsense was he was spitting. Tom reminds me of every person I've met who is new in learning their religion. They're passionate, outspoken and when pressed for further answers they can't go past the first chapter because they haven't studied and lived enough to be able to connect what they read to real life. I just want to comment on two of his points. 1) The history of Psychiatry is plagued but so is medicine (experiments on slaves and those imprisoned), so is public health (can we say Tuskegee), but should we do away with all of these things because of the history. As we grow and know better, we do better (sometimes) that's what Ethics in Practice is all about.
And then 2) "Ritalin being a street drug." Look around Tom, lots of prescribed and over the counter drugs are street drugs. Hello, don't you have to ask your pharmacist for some Sudafed now and I suppose we ought to stop prescribing Oxycontin, Percocet and Demerol while we're at it. And let's not forget about Ketamine (for pets, but people use it too). I bet some of his Hollywood buddies would be completely dismayed if that were to happen.
(thank you for allowing me the space to vent)