Wednesday, May 04, 2005

In a mood...

I'm in a mood. It's because of deadline stress, checkbook drama and PMS. And, honey, that's a bad combination...

Some people wait a lifetime for moment like this...
Why is everyone talking about whether Paula Abdul got busy with that dude from American Idol? I do not watch American Idol. Paula Abdul's voice makes me drop and convulse. I don't give a fuck if she seduced that nappy-headed fool! I hope she did. Get you some, Paula!

Over there! Over there!
So, the Army knew Pat Tillman died from friendly fire and didn't tell anyone for months. Not even his Momma. Is this shocking, Matt Lauer? Please! You dumb assed motherfucker! Would you come clean and interrupt the attempted remaking of the Audie Murphy story? Okay, so in this case the hero dies; he's still a hero! The spin was fantabulous and the Army ran with it. It must have been refreshing to have something to distract from the torture scandal. But this is not news, surprising, shocking or unexpected. This bitch is waiting for the Oliver Stone movie on this shit.

Oh no, not I! I will survive!
Cojo's ass is back on Entertainment Tonight. He sounded tired, but looked great. And that's all that really matters, right? Three cheers for the come back kid! Too bad he has to deal with Mary 'Prozac is the elixir of the gods' Hart. That bitch hasn't had a sincere emotion since 1985.

Beat Down in Philly
Let me get this right. Some suspected felon got the shit beat out him by a Philly cop. He was handcuffed. And the shit was beat out of him again. Katie, do you really need to ask if there is a possible explanation for this behavior? Did it look like that tiny assed wanna be hoodlum was resisting Mr. Burly Man Cop? Grow some journalistic chops and ask the police spokesbitch why that police officer looked like Arnold in Pumping Iron? Looks like steroids to this bitch! Speaking of Arnold...

I don't wanna play anymore!
Arnold? Mr. Cal-i-for-ni-ah? How's it going, honey? Poll numbers got you down? Don't fret! Reform away, my friend. Good luck with that shit, too. It seems that getting the job was a lot easier than doing it unscripted...

Yes, but is it news...?
And finally, the Mom Hero segment on the Today Show this morning really confused a bitch. A mother turns her back from her 19-month-old child "For three seconds". Lil Bit makes for the door and dives into the pool like an escape convict from Alcatraz. Mom begins to look for the child. Searches the home. Oh no! Lil Bit is in the pool! Thank God Mom knows CPR and is able to revive Lil Bit, only to collapse from emotional exhaustion as Lil Bit is airlifted away. Baby's fine. Mom looks shook up. This is not news. This is a tragedy averted and a warning to all Moms with young ones to lock the door and purchase a motion alarm for the pool. But you didn't offer that advice did you, Katie. Way to inform your viewers!

Best Rapid Fire Edit of the Day goes to... CNN!
Toure (correct spelling supplied by Tiger Lily), the fantabulous culture critic on CNN, dropped some real assed shit this morning during the 6:55 am 90 Second Pop segment. Soledad's ass was completely unprepared. It went something like this...

Toure "Paris Hilton's 15 minutes are up."

Nappy Headed Sidekick "She's a smart businesswoman!"

Toure "Paris Hilton is that girl in the class who sleeps with all the guys just to be popular!"

Nappy Headed Sidekick with flushed cheeks "She made $100,000 for showing up to a party for 20 minutes."

Toure "She played herself out for $100,000 and doesn't even need the money. For me, that's an accomplishment. For her, that's a tired assed played out desperate pay cut."

'Nuff said, Mr. Toure! But why did CNN edit that accurate assed shit out of the replay at 8:55 am?

Too true for morning television? I think I can hear James Earl Jones right now...

This is CNN. Where original thought is suppressed 24 hours a day...

6 comments:

Tiger Lilly said...

"She played herself out for $100,000 and doesn't even need the money. For me, that's an accomplishment. For her, that's a tired assed played out desperate pay cut."


WHAT!!! Toure really said that? Oh, why couldn't I get my butt up this morning???

Mighty MaMa said...

I was feeling a bit weakened this morning by the lack of sensible minds out in cyberspace. Thanks for the "pick me up" you have asserted me to start a bitching rampage! Good morning to you! I thank you for the reality check of current affairs!

disgruntled said...

The Today Show...
what a waste.

Lisa said...

I created a fake blog just so I could post a comment here! :)

Excellent rants, ABB! You rock. I spent an hour at work yesterday reading some of the archives and I am humbled by your high snarkitude. It's an awesome thing.

Definitely my new fave blog!

(regular and boring blog: www.snarkypants.com)

San Francisco Click said...

Moovie is good, but do you want to be at Alcatraz Island yourslf?
Here:
Alcatraz Virtual Tour

San Francisco Click - Virtual Tours

It's Me, Maven... said...

Mr. Nugget and I had a convo about this the other morning. Amazing how double standards abound, eh? So what if she screwed this guy or that guy? It's a fucking t.v. show, this isn't world politics, and even then, what difference does it make? I mean look at the Lewinsky scandal... how much do you think that cooze-stained navy blue dress from the GAP affect the world? ZIP. ZERO. ZILCHEROO. The world didn't stop spinning on its axis. And newsflash to all the media -lemmings out there, the world will continue existing, status-quo, regardless of whether Mz. Paula is ass-up-and-face down or not! I'm fucking vicariously thru her!! I only hope she's a size-queen, too:) OOpsies... did I say that out loud?

PS: Been meaning to respond to this for a while... that 24 hour Tourette's-Alzheimers has been kicking my ass this week. :)