Friday, April 15, 2005

Bitchfirmations

I am a Feministah; a true blend of old school feminist and Sistah. Since tonight is Venus Envy (come one and come all to see my ultra-fabulous dred-headed sister perform some 'Gina Monologues), my thoughts have turned to the state of feminism in America. Conclusion - most women are confused as hell and messed up in the head.

With songs featuring shout outs to all the "Baby's Mommas" and re-touched print images that feature unnaturally thin Amazons, women are simply fucked in the head. Everyday I come in contact with some chic who's messed up about herself and seeking a consultation from an Angry Black Bitch. It's amazing, because my truth often stings; obviously these people find pleasure in the pain. Sigh. All I can do is wonder at the lack of self esteem, bitch power and fierce defiance in most of my fellow females.

How do I stay so on top of my shit? I'm glad you asked! At least once a day I indulge in a moment of bitchfirmations. Affirmations are too A.A. for me, so I've modified the theory to fit into...well......a bitch's lifestyle, so to speak.

In an effort to uplift woman-kind I will divulge a few of my favorites.....

Bitchfirmations of an Angry Black Bitch

When I look in the mirror before leaving for work.....
Damn! You look fine! Even with that extra weight around the middle, bitch you look good! Lift your head up, throw your shoulders back and walk bitch! Walk!

When I'm about to go into a meeting of bitter back stabbing ho's (my Black women's group meetings)
Girl, please! You know these bitches all want to be you. Can you blame them for being envious hating ho's? Remember - you are the shit, you are too together for words and smaller minded people just can't handle that shit! Breath in. Check the lipstick (bless you, oh God of M.A.C.) and walk bitch! Walk!

When dealing with a moment of hormonally driven uncertainty.....
What the fuck is your problem?! This shit happens every month and you do the same fucking thing each time; sit on the couch watching Forensic Files and dreaming of caramel ice cream while trying not to cry at nothing in particular. Pull your ass together, bitch! Now repeat after me.....I am the shit, ice-cream is a "sometimes food" and this cursed shit will all be over in another 48 hours. Now change the channel to E!, drink two glasses of water and fucking chill bitch! Chill!

Carpe Bitchdom!

I'll see y'all at Venus Envy.....where all the cool boys and girls gather to get their Envy on!

3 comments:

billystl9 said...

All those poor west co people are gonna drive down to the hood for venus envy, leave their cells and laptops out in plain view and wonder why they have no car or are missing a window or two when they come out. The over/under for muggings/stolen cars is 16. Bet as you will.

BaltimoreLenore said...

Ya know, this should be printed & framed - like one of those old "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". Only your's is better.

Tiger Lilly said...

I linked this on my site, and quoted you, but people seem to think I wrote this. I wish. My thinking hasn't been this clear in a while. Maybe I should try some vodka...