My world is designed so I can purchase all my necessary items within a 5-mile radius. Last week I traveled up the street and around the block to "my Walgreen's" to make my monthly purchase of pharmaceuticals. After scoring some Sudafed (for non-Missourians, this is an ordeal because the Meth crisis has made buying Sudafed harder than scoring crack), I made my way to the pharmacy to buy .....well.....more drugs. I waited in line behind a large raggedy man of color who seemed generally agitated and anxious to make his purchase.
Of course, I began to wonder what he was so anxious to get. Was he out of Lithium? Did the next five minutes mean the difference between mental balance and a bi-polar incident? Should I leave and check out the cheap assed lipsticks just in case his ass trips out?
Then it happened. This nasty assed tore up uneven Afro having man turned around a tried to pick my ass up!
He had been looking around and must have picked me up in his peripheral vision. Turning fully around, he looked me up and down with blood shot eyes. Licked his dry assed cracked lips then opened up with "How are you doing?" Unable to escape, I answered with an uninspired "Fine." He went on..."Blah, blah, blah...I hate to wait in line....blah, blah, blah....where you stay at?"
What the fuck? Like I'm going to tell this freak where I live or even the vicinity of where I live. And why is it taking so fucking long for the pharmacy tech to bail me out of this shit??!
Wait. It gets better. His name is called and he says, "Hold on a minute." As if we were actually having a conversation! Turning to the slow assed pharmacy tech he gives his name "Clive or Cletus Threadgood" or something live that ....."No, I just want to pick up my".....drum roll PLEASE......."Cialis."
This nasty motherfucker was there to pick up a fucking erectile dysfunction med.!
Desperate, I pretend to pick up my cell phone and make a call while diverting my gaze. Thankfully, he makes his purchase and, looking back several times to size me up, leaves.
Children, this was an Ah-Ha moment. I now know that cell phones are the greatest invention made by man! But what about me made this man think he could pick me up.....at the fucking Walgreen's!! Jesus! Do I need to take it up a notch? Should I locate my fake wedding ring, which I usually reserve for traveling to New York or on subways? Desperate for clarification, I almost follow him out of the store to conduct an impromptu focus group of one! "Please tell me what about my ABB self made you approach me!"
This soon gave way to reality.....I mean I am sexy as hell......And I was wearing my sassy super satisfied because I scored the 96 count economy pack of Sudafed face......But, damn!
By the time I made it back to my car I had boiled the entire incident down to his sex drive being enhanced by Cialis. Ugghh! I made for the grocery store and shopped one handed, cell phone to my ear, just to be on the safe side......